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Advice? (Long Story) - 8/28/2008 1:47:35 PM
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raivyne
Posts: 1010
Joined: 8/28/2008
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I am 32. I have two kids and two failed marriages. I was a Christian when I was little but I caved to the pressures of society and God has been trying to win me back ever since. Five years ago at age 27, shortly after the end of my second marriage and birth of my second child he sent a man to me (I believe). The man was someone I knew already.
I don’t really know where to start this story, so I’ll start from the beginning. About 10 years ago, two years after my first divorce I began spending time with a very nice young man whom I had gone to high school with but never knew directly. We had a lot of fun just hanging out together and I looked forward to his company. Then I started getting flowers on my car and such. I had no idea who they were from until he confessed it was he. I had no idea he felt that way about me. He never attempted to talk about the flowers and his feelings in person. I got really nervous and ran away from him. I told him to stop putting flowers on my car and door. As you can imagine he was very hurt.
A year or so later we ran into each other and I apologized for my actions and we sort of made amends. Over the next few years we crossed paths many times but for one reason or another nothing became of it. Then about five years ago we ran into each other in the library. A few months later we were spending a lot of time together and eventually we began dating.
We were together for about three years. The beginning was great, I never felt so happy with someone. Then he started to change, he was afraid of his feelings for me. He would pick fights about silly things or throw my past mistakes up in my face. Finally he told me he thought we should take a break. I objected because “breaks” never go well. In his mind if we spent some time apart and he missed me then I was the one… but if he didn’t miss me then we could go our separate ways.
He took a break anyway, and distanced himself further from me. I became consumed by anger and pain. The whole time we were dating I would pray for him. Pray that God would change his heart into the man I knew he was and could be. He wasn’t the same sweet boy I’d known five years before but I knew he was in there somewhere. I prayed that God would make him see how much we loved each other and take his fear of that love away.
When he tried to come back to me I was still so angry and hurt I refused to let him back into my life. He tried. I got emails, text messages and flowers, all begging me to give him a second chance. My heart was a stone and I couldn’t let go of my pride or let my guard down long enough to give him another chance. I knew I still loved him but I didn’t know how I could pick up and start over again… leaving all that pain behind. So, I asked him for some time to think. Told him I was confused and I didn’t know what I wanted. Well he kept pushing and pushing me to take him back. I finally told him to leave me alone, I didn’t love him anymore and he should go on with his life. It was a lie and I knew it as soon as I sent the reply, but it was the only way I could get peace and quiet. It was wrong of me, I should have found another way. I know that now.
Anyway, we’ve been apart for about two and a half years ago. For the longest time I couldn’t think about going back to him. Then last fall I started feeling differently. It took me a long time to work up the courage to apologize to him and ask him to forgive me. He was already dating someone, which I had no idea about. As far as I knew he was still emailing and texting me occasionally to see if I’d had a change of heart. Well I didn’t want to interfere with his relationship, or be the reason they broke up. So, I just wrote him a letter to apologize and I was sorry I waited until it was too late to tell him that I still loved him and wished the best for him. I gave the letter to his mom to give to him.
A day later there was a note on my door. He was glad I’d given him the letter and wasn’t mad at me. He said if I ever wanted to go out to eat with a friend to call him, he gave me his number. He didn’t feel it would be right for him to break up with his girlfriend just because I came back. He’d promised to give her a chance and she wanted that chance. He said in his heart he felt that we had crossed paths so many times he didn’t think God was through with us. Logically I knew this was the right thing to do even though it hurt. We still sent messages to each other and would visit each other. His girlfriend knew, as he was very upfront about it. Nothing happened between us that shouldn’t have. We were friends plain and simple. when/if they broke up we could try and piece things back together. His girlfriend knew from the beginning about me and his feelings for me as well.
A little more info about the situation should be given I think. He is the only father my youngest daughter has ever known. Her father ran out on her and has only seen her once. Even while we were broke up he still was in her life. He would visit her when his mom had her. He would play with her. He never abandoned her just because we were not together anymore. He loves my daughter like she was his own.
Last month his girlfriend broke up with him, she didn’t give him a real reason. She promised they would talk about it but she thought they needed time apart. They’d been dating for about four months. She was the first girl to make him really laugh since we broke up. She helped him put his heart back together and he loves her for that.
He tried to pick up with me, but he can’t forget about her. He doesn’t feel the same about me anymore. When they were still together he would sometimes message me that he missed me and he loved me still. I guess he didn’t realize how much he loved her until she broke up with him. Now she’s all he can think about. He said there is always hope that one day he won’t feel like this about her anymore, but for now he’s stuck.
I know there is absolutely nothing I can do to change this. He doesn’t love me anymore (or doesn’t feel the same in his words). I am very worried about him but at the same time I’m completely broken. I don’t know what to do. Sometimes I don’t even want to wake up again. I feel like my entire life has been wasted and that nothing will ever be right again. All I’ve ever wanted was a companion in life and he could have been that if I hadn’t been so consumed by my own pain. I also want to be a friend to him while he’s going through this.
The worst part of this for me is that three weeks ago I laid this whole thing at the Alter. I totally let go… whatever would be would be. Then a day later he started wanting to spend more time with me. I thought, “wow that was fast but God can do anything.” I thought it meant things would slowly get put back together. Then last Friday it all fell apart. He was trying to move on, but his heart wasn’t in it. He said it wasn’t fair to me for him to be trying to put things back together with us while he was still thinking about her. He said I deserved someone who could give it their all. Funny thing is he told his girlfriend the same thing when I came back into his life but she wouldn’t listen. She demanded her chance. He was torn. We talked about it a lot and I gave him my blessing to finish what he started and see what happened. We both knew it was the right thing to do, even though it nearly killed me.
He said there’s always hope that one day he won’t feel the same about her and maybe we could try again if that day came.
I don’t know what to do now. How can I still be there for him as a friend when every fiber of me hurts? I cannot turn my back on him again. Even if he doesn’t feel the same about me, he’s my best friend and I can’t abandon him. What do I do? How do I hold onto that hope but let go of my own selfish desire?
The whole last few months I really felt like God was telling me to act in love because that’s what I should have done two years ago. I even pieced together a timeline… about the time my heart started softening was about the same time he was praying for God to just take over and what ever his will was let it be done. Before that he was always praying for our restoration out of selfishness… the very same selfishness I prayed for God to help pull him out of. God finally made all the changes in him that I prayed he would, so he could be the man I knew he was inside. Right about the same time he changed, I changed. I really saw all these “signs”… but I guess I misread them. Maybe there is still hope… but I can feel it and I can’t hear God guiding me right now either.
I’m just totally lost right now. Sorry this is so long. Any advice would be appreciated.
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RE: Advice? (Long Story) - 8/28/2008 2:33:30 PM
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Kat_D
Posts: 3035
Joined: 9/2/2005
From: Where We Shake, Rattle & Roll!
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quote:
The whole last few months I really felt like God was telling me to act in love because that’s what I should have done two years ago. I even pieced together a timeline… about the time my heart started softening was about the same time he was praying for God to just take over and what ever his will was let it be done. Before that he was always praying for our restoration out of selfishness… the very same selfishness I prayed for God to help pull him out of. God finally made all the changes in him that I prayed he would, so he could be the man I knew he was inside. Right about the same time he changed, I changed. I really saw all these “signs”… but I guess I misread them. Maybe there is still hope… but I can feel it and I can’t hear God guiding me right now either.
God is always looking at the motives of the heart.
If I may share this with you...When I became a Christian, I started praying that God would save my Jewish ex-husband (I was divorced before I knew the Lord). I really did want him saved, but deep down inside I had this fantasy that if he got saved, then we might get back together...however, I never expressed that to the Lord, it was just hidden in my heart.
One day, during my prayers for my ex husband's salvation, God shook me and asked, "What if I save Him and My plan for him is that he marry another Christian girl...would you still want me to save him if that was the outcome?"
WOW!
I had to re-examine my heart and motivation and finally came to the conclusion that yes, I would want my ex to be saved even if it meant he would marry someone else. I have prayed for his salvation purely ever since...no hidden agenda....no strings...no "other" motivation.
I'm not sure if I'm on the right track here, but I'll take a chance...perhaps you need to re-examine your motives. What are they, really?
_____________________________
~Kat
"...And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes...no more death, sorrow, nor crying."
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RE: Advice? (Long Story) - 8/28/2008 2:43:22 PM
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raivyne
Posts: 1010
Joined: 8/28/2008
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I don't know. I want him to be happy and I'm prepared for the fact that it might not be with me anymore. At the same time I'm devistated and I don't want to lose him again. I've let him go twice before, each time its harder. I just want to start walking where Jesus wants to take me, but I'm having trouble figuring out what that means. I know if we aren't meant to be I can't force it and I know that means there is something better for me and him... I know that intellectually but emotionally I'm having a very difficult time. I don't "feel" like I am meant to lose him... but I don't know if that's just my voice. I hope that makes sense. He's the first man I've ever really loved... despite my marriages before. He helped me see what love really is and he helped me back to God.
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RE: Advice? (Long Story) - 8/28/2008 3:11:52 PM
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laura...
Posts: 2917
Joined: 3/1/2005
From: NE Ohio
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quote:
We were together for about three years. The beginning was great, I never felt so happy with someone. Then he started to change, he was afraid of his feelings for me. He would pick fights about silly things or throw my past mistakes up in my face. Finally he told me he thought we should take a break. I objected because “breaks” never go well. In his mind if we spent some time apart and he missed me then I was the one… but if he didn’t miss me then we could go our separate ways.
When you say you were together for about three years do you mean living together? If so, and if he is a Christian, why were you not married?
Why do you think he won't change again and revert back to picking fights and reminding you of your mistakes?
Let me get this straight: While he was with his girlfriend he was keeping you on the back burner just in case their relationship tanked. Now that it has tanked <start sarcasm> big surprise <end sarcasm> he tried to pick back up with you but was really hoping to get back with her. Do you really want to now be on the front burner with her on the back burner?
These kind of on-again-off-again relationships usually continue to be on-again-off-again. Right now your relationship with this man is "off". Seriously consider if you want to turn that switch back "on" because chances are it won't stay "on".
James 1:8 A double minded man is unstable in all his ways.
I recommend that you walk away from such an unstable relationship. Wait on God to bring you a man who is permanently "on" for God, "on" for commitment and "on" for you.
_____________________________
This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’ Jer 6:16
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RE: Advice? (Long Story) - 8/28/2008 3:14:30 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 1939
Joined: 9/26/2007
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First of all, dear heart, let me put my arms around you and give you a hug. (HUG) You are hurt and lonely and confused, and I don't blame you. Maybe some of us can help you see a little better (when I'm wrapped up in something emotionally, I'm blind as a bat and need to be reminded of everything).
quote:
ORIGINAL: raivyne
The whole last few months I really felt like God was telling me to act in love because that’s what I should have done two years ago. I even pieced together a timeline…
Base what you do on God's Word, which means you need to be reading it every day. Think of the Bible as gasoline, and you are the gas tank that can't hold enough for more than a day. So every morning - or whatever time is best for you - fill up! And act on what you find.
I can't think of any verse where God tells us to act like we have the emotions and bonding of being engaged or married when we aren't engaged or married, and there's no engagement or marriage committed to and coming up quickly. That's not where your life is at and I think is unwise to pretend it is.
quote:
about the time my heart started softening was about the same time he was praying for God to just take over and what ever his will was let it be done. Before that he was always praying for our restoration out of selfishness… the very same selfishness I prayed for God to help pull him out of. God finally made all the changes in him that I prayed he would, so he could be the man I knew he was inside. Right about the same time he changed, I changed. I really saw all these “signs”… but I guess I misread them.
You were praying and wanting and he was praying and wanting, but I don't see that either of you said, "OK, God, whatever you want is fine with me because I know You do all things well. I'll do what the Bible says to do and depend on You to work out the details."
quote:
Maybe there is still hope… but I can feel it and I can’t hear God guiding me right now either.
Then probably you're going a way that God hasn't called you to. You are wise to sit back, consider, pray, and make no move towards this guy at this point.
Sometimes when we want something really bad we ignore that it wasn't meant to be. You haven't been told of God to wait for this guy, he's just attractive. One of lots of men in this world. One of them probably has your name on him (to be reciprocated some day!  ) and your job is to grow in grace, obey God, avoid sin, and move out in faith in ways the Bible says. Your two kids should be the most important things in your life right now. Get some counseling from your pastor (or join a church if you aren't plugged in somewhere - God doesn't mean for any of us to go it alone. We're a body of believers) and maybe even find an older woman mentor who is a mature Christian.
God bless you, dear one. I am praying for you today. (((Hugs)))
_____________________________
Want to know where a certain word or phrase in the Bible is found? www.biblegateway.com Yay!
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RE: Advice? (Long Story) - 8/28/2008 3:18:19 PM
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Kat_D
Posts: 3035
Joined: 9/2/2005
From: Where We Shake, Rattle & Roll!
Status: offline
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quote:
First of all, dear heart,
*sigh*
_____________________________
~Kat
"...And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes...no more death, sorrow, nor crying."
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RE: Advice? (Long Story) - 8/28/2008 3:37:13 PM
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raivyne
Posts: 1010
Joined: 8/28/2008
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: laura...
quote:
We were together for about three years. The beginning was great, I never felt so happy with someone. Then he started to change, he was afraid of his feelings for me. He would pick fights about silly things or throw my past mistakes up in my face. Finally he told me he thought we should take a break. I objected because “breaks” never go well. In his mind if we spent some time apart and he missed me then I was the one… but if he didn’t miss me then we could go our separate ways.
When you say you were together for about three years do you mean living together? If so, and if he is a Christian, why were you not married?
Why do you think he won't change again and revert back to picking fights and reminding you of your mistakes?
Let me get this straight: While he was with his girlfriend he was keeping you on the back burner just in case their relationship tanked. Now that it has tanked <start sarcasm> big surprise <end sarcasm> he tried to pick back up with you but was really hoping to get back with her. Do you really want to now be on the front burner with her on the back burner?
These kind of on-again-off-again relationships usually continue to be on-again-off-again. Right now your relationship with this man is "off". Seriously consider if you want to turn that switch back "on" because chances are it won't stay "on".
James 1:8 A double minded man is unstable in all his ways.
I recommend that you walk away from such an unstable relationship. Wait on God to bring you a man who is permanently "on" for God, "on" for commitment and "on" for you.
We never lived together.
I know his heart has changed and he is not the same person he was then.
It wasn't exactly like that. We were friends and I was free to date whomever I wished if I chose to do so. He wanted me to be happy too, he never forced me to wait for him. I didn't feel like moving on, I felt there was still hope and I wasn't ready to move past that. He never promised that they would break up, he was very up front that there was a possibility she and he would work out. He is not the sort of man who strings women along, and he's certainly not a cheat.
He also readily admits that he should have not been so eager to know how I felt about him still. He should have said thank you for the letter, and I'm not mad at you all is forgiven, and went on with his relationship. Then if things didn't work out when he was ready we could try again IF she and he didn't work out. He knew he'd made a mistake and apologized for it. He made a bad decision on the spur of the moment that hurt all three of us.
I'm confident if we ever did get back together it would last. Normally once a man and I seperate ways I would never consider trying again because I tend to think if it didn't work once it won't work again for the same reasons... unless one or both of the persons change. This is the first person I've considered a second chance for.
You are right about walking away I think and waiting for God... sometimes i'm afraid i'll never find anyone.
Basically, I want to be there for him as a friend, but its hard right now with me being so hurt. I'm worried he might try to hurt himself as well.
I would also like to know if it is OK to still hope one day we'll be restored (that that's God's plan) as long as I am open to other plans God might have in store for me.
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RE: Advice? (Long Story) - 8/28/2008 3:54:11 PM
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raivyne
Posts: 1010
Joined: 8/28/2008
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: deermousie
God bless you, dear one. I am praying for you today. (((Hugs)))
Thank you for the whole post... I just didn't want to quote all of it.
I recently went back to church and have been going faithfully. I love my pastor and have a few older ladies there I can count on... one of them is his mother actually, but i don't talk to her about him.
Do you think its ok for me to still be there as a friend for him? I sent him a greeting card with a message of encouragement and friendship. I check on him every morning to make sure he is still alive and he's done the same for me. Or would it be best for both of us to not speak at all? Despite everything I still feel that he is one of my two dearest friends, I don't think I can abandon a friend just to spare myself pain.
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RE: Advice? (Long Story) - 8/29/2008 8:43:01 AM
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raivyne
Posts: 1010
Joined: 8/28/2008
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I haven't spoke to my pastor about this (yet). I may if it continues to plague me, but for now I'm OK (big thanks to this thread) just waiting to see what the Lord has in store for me. I think I just needed to hear what I already suspected from outside sources... (other than my mom and friends)
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RE: Advice? (Long Story) - 9/23/2008 9:36:38 PM
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disciplelife
Posts: 61
Joined: 9/23/2008
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1 Corinthians 7:8
8 Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am.
Please forgive me for coming into this thread this late, but I felt convicted to. You and I share a common boat, but your seat is in a different area. God never meant for us to be alone. We are meant to fellowship, with Him and with other Christians. My heart aches for a mate, a companion, as does yours. I have prayed for restoration of a lost marriage, only to be disappointed. Through it all, solid Christian friends have helped me get past that and God has shown me a new way to not be alone. Actually, He showed me that I have never been alone! The people from our married adults Sunday School class were sad when I left, even though I had attended without my wife for almost a year after the separation! I still get phone calls and see them all the time. I guess my point is, you don't need anyone to make you complete (heard that before?), you are already complete in Christ. God's man for you IS there. When He knows you are truly ready to put Him first and your relationship after, it will be unmistakable! You did the right thing by laying it at the cross, now let our Creator build you a companion, in His time. It will be like being hit with a door, the door opening to the rest of your life. If it is the right man, at the right time, at the right place in your life...there will be no doubt.
_____________________________
But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. (James 1:22)
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RE: Advice? (Long Story) - 9/24/2008 1:21:31 AM
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jaimestarcross
Posts: 763
Joined: 11/28/2005
Status: online
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Your children need their mom to be in good shape emotionally -
not mixed up with someone who can't make a real commitment to you!
*I notice you mention he loves your daughter like she was his own since her dad isn't in her life...
He's got a foothold in your life and it needs to be removed since he's
not in a position to make a real commitment to you. Your children
don't need someone who's running back and forth between two women and feeding them both similar words of affection.
You have been through two marriages that failed... be very careful
about having a relationship with a man that has a divided heart.
He's shown you already he'll leave you for someone else and play with
your emotions/heart. Pay attention to the red flags!
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RE: Advice? (Long Story) - 9/24/2008 7:58:01 AM
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Sadey
Posts: 461
Joined: 7/25/2007
Status: offline
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I've read all the posts and am sorry for all your pain.
You have been married twice and now are in the middle of all this craziness. Why don't you take a break from men, relationships, and all the pain? Just stop and concentrateon your relatiohship with Jesus and see where God wants you to be? Take time to be with your kids, enjoy being a mom, enjoy the fellowship at church.
If I were a betting woman, I would bet everything I have that if you tried to completely break off with this man, you would find flowers on your car, text messages and all the other things of courtship and he would be after you again. Please don't do it for that but this man just wants what he can't have. He didn't really want the other woman, thought he might want you, until she didn't want him. Now he has you but Hmmm, maybe he wants her.
So doesn't this sound like junior high school. First he likes you then he likes her then he likes you? I don't mean to sound harsh but do you really think that this is what God has for you. All this pain and hurt? Not even to mention what it must be doing to your kids to have Mom such an emtional wreck all the time.
Please go to your pastor and get some help with this. You owe it to yourself and your children. Please don't dismiss how this must be affecting your children.
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RE: Advice? (Long Story) - 9/24/2008 12:16:04 PM
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Hislittleone
Posts: 626
Joined: 7/13/2007
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Sadey
I've read all the posts and am sorry for all your pain.
You have been married twice and now are in the middle of all this craziness. Why don't you take a break from men, relationships, and all the pain? Just stop and concentrateon your relatiohship with Jesus and see where God wants you to be? Take time to be with your kids, enjoy being a mom, enjoy the fellowship at church.
If I were a betting woman, I would bet everything I have that if you tried to completely break off with this man, you would find flowers on your car, text messages and all the other things of courtship and he would be after you again. Please don't do it for that but this man just wants what he can't have. He didn't really want the other woman, thought he might want you, until she didn't want him. Now he has you but Hmmm, maybe he wants her.
So doesn't this sound like junior high school. First he likes you then he likes her then he likes you? I don't mean to sound harsh but do you really think that this is what God has for you. All this pain and hurt? Not even to mention what it must be doing to your kids to have Mom such an emtional wreck all the time.
Please go to your pastor and get some help with this. You owe it to yourself and your children. Please don't dismiss how this must be affecting your children.
The other posters have given great advice but Sadey's post really stood out. My husband divorced me after being married just under 1 year. I was a single mom for about 6 years. During that time I dated, remarried, divorced (his choice, not mine), then began dating again. Looking back now I greatly regret all the time and energy that I spent on relationships with men that should have gone towards my son. I so wish that I had taken a break from dating and concentrated on my walk with God and my son. I would have less regrets had I done so. Fortunately I am now remarried to my son's father and my life has taken a turn for the better. My walk with God is much stronger and I am a better mother. I just wish that it had all happened sooner. 
You have the chance right now to make a decision about how you will spend your time and emotional energy. Will you give it all to God and your child, at least for a season?
I know that being in the middle of all this is hard and sometimes it's difficult to see things clearly. From an outsider looking in, it seems like there is way to much wishy washiness going on here. It's unhealthy for all concerned (and that includes your children). Instead of relying on feelings so much, turn to the Word of God. Feelings can be fickle and will often lead us astray but God's word won't.
My advice would be to step away from this relationship completely. I say that because it sounds like it would be too hard to just be friends. If you stay friends with him then it will leave the door open to more of this on again off again craziness.
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RE: Advice? (Long Story) - 9/24/2008 4:31:38 PM
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Auben
Posts: 1603
Joined: 4/13/2005
From: Where pines tower and cranberries float
Status: offline
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I agree with the above posters.
I think you were right to put the whole thing at God's feet, but I don't think that God sent him back to you.
I'm sure he is a dear friend and a good male role model to your daughter, but I don't think that he knows what he wants. He tends to be turned on by the pursuit more than the life together.
Put the whole thing back at God's feet and continue as friends. This last indecision of his should only remind you he isn't ready.
_____________________________
Tamara
~Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time~
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