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Life sucks - 8/25/2008 5:34:09 AM
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PhrozenPhoenix
Posts: 236
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline
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Seriously... I'm gonna go insane. The more I try to change the more I become someone I hate and end up going in the opposite direction of the person I would like to be. You know I we shouldn't sweat the small things and its all in God's hands but I don't know how much more I can take of this before I just pop! I feel like getting drunk to high heaven, having random sex, taking the truck out for a spin and drive it like I stole I don't know... I'm soooo frustrated, irritated, annoyed, depressed, etc... I don't know what to do =(
I wouldn't do any of those above things btw... just what I feel like doing to relieve myself a bit and live a little. Common some guy has got to have felt like this before right?
I have ZERO real friends. I'm gonna be 25 next month and still don't know what to do, I'm getting old. I have 50k saved up and put more in everymonth cause I don't have much to spend it on (it was for school but I've given up on all my dream jobs). I wanna move out of my parents house but that means getting stuck at the job I have now. Not that its really a bad job but as it turns out I have something called Avoidant Personality Disorder so making friends and such and after working there two years, I'm sure everyone has their mind made up about me by now... So tying to change is harder than if I just start over at somewhere else. But this is an excellent paying job and I'm almost at full pay after 2 years (20 dollars an hour) I feel like a big baby hardly a man and I actually hate when someone refers to me as a man cause I really don't feel like one though I wish I was (and I don't mean, I htink Im a girl or some weird **** like that... just I still feel like a little kid).
I'm an emotional wreck... I hate what I am. I wanna be happy and excited. I'm like a closeted extrovert. I'm really spontaneous, wild, goofy but I can never let this side of me out in the real world so I keep it to myself and it drives me crazy. I'm judgmental, I'm hypocritical, I'm about as a shining example of Christ as a piece of poop. Which frustrates me even more cause most people at work are not Christians (or don't act like it) though there are a couple (well one) I care deeply for and wish I was a better example of Jesus. In fact he acts more like a Christian than I do and I don't think he's saved (he swears like no tomorrow, but then again, I'm judging, and then when noones around, I swear just as much so I'm being hypocritical too. But other than that, hes a perfect example of what I wish I was)
Everytime I try changing myself I get overwhelmed. I've changed my diet (I'm not fat... just don't like eating junk food all the time), started weightlifting, reading the bible, but when I'm not doing those I have nothing to do, I'm bored out of my mind, I'm lonely, extremely self conscious, nothing to look forward to but work (which I hate at the moment but its more cause of my mood than the job), my family annoys the **** out of me, and just me crabbing about really makes me feel oh so much better about myself </sarcasm>.
I need a hug =(
I know blah blah, well start fixing it. Trying. It's kind of hard being judgmental about yourself or whatever when you've done if for the last 15 years x_X Hard to be happy and excited when you hate yourself. Hard to change how you view yourself when you don't change who you are inside. Hard change inside when you still feel trapped *Sigh* Maybe I'm making excuses. I just want someone to come by pick me up in a blanket, cuddle me in their arms and rock me off to sleep, telling me everythings gonna be ok.
Sorry it wasn't a very manly post...
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RE: Life sucks - 8/26/2008 8:16:18 PM
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1mlasp
Posts: 204
Joined: 12/9/2005
Status: offline
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Hi -
Been there. PM me if you need to talk. Self hatred is not fun.
Sounds like depression to me. Stop being so hard on yourself - there is no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus - even self condemnation. Start seeing yourself the way HE sees you. Who does the Bible say you are?
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RE: Life sucks - 8/28/2008 4:31:49 PM
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evryknee
Posts: 297
Joined: 3/9/2008
Status: offline
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Man Hug to you.
Search for Significance by Robert McGee may help you in your quest for worth. I've found that peace does not come from doing (chnaging), but surrendering. Ur in my prayers!
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RE: Life sucks - 8/29/2008 4:58:18 AM
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DreadPirateRandy
Posts: 6920
Joined: 6/5/2006
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quote:
ORIGINAL: PhrozenPhoenix
I'm soooo frustrated, irritated, annoyed, depressed, etc...
I'm an emotional wreck... I hate what I am.
Citing in sight of what I see in myself.
I don't have much advice for you, seeing how I'm in a similar situation. A blind man cannot lead another blind man on a tightrope without falling.
People often tell me that feelings are deceptive, that you can't rely on them to gain an accurate description of how you truly feel on the inside. I have been through the feelings, the self negativity, and it's certainly not fun.
Before you can hate what you are, you have to know who you are. Who are you? Are you what your feelings say you are, or is there something more beyond deception?
Nobody can answer those questions for you. You can either choose to turn a deaf ear to them or you can continue digesting negativeness.
You choose.
_____________________________
The lunatic, the lover, and the poet, are of imagination all compact.
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RE: Life sucks - 8/30/2008 8:42:48 AM
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PhrozenPhoenix
Posts: 236
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: YZGUY
I've found that peace does not come from doing (chnaging), but surrendering.
True but depressing... I've tried that before and in the end I just end up having a really bad week. Accepting you suck, always did, always will... thats hard to accept.
Oh well, I'll live...
Anyway thanks for the little bits of advice... I'll have to pick up that book sometime...
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RE: Life sucks - 8/31/2008 5:10:42 PM
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denbert
Posts: 17769
Status: offline
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Yes, by all means get a copy of the book. It did me a lot of good. In fact, I need to read it again!
_____________________________
The solution to a problem changes the problem
Denny
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RE: Life sucks - 9/2/2008 10:45:49 PM
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U376977
Posts: 49
Joined: 2/24/2008
Status: offline
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Son, Listen. You are only 25. You may feel like your life is half over, but you still are very very young. Did you know the average age for a man to get married is about 30? You have time to have a very full life. The fact that you are so full of introspection and confusion just means that you are still sorting out your life. That is good. Know that only Jesus Christ can order or life. You must find your passion, what motivates you.
Pleaes PM me if you need to talk. I will read your ramblings. I care.
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RE: Life sucks - 9/4/2008 5:09:18 AM
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Darien8869
Posts: 29
Joined: 6/20/2008
From: Claremore Oklahoma
Status: offline
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I so relate to this struggle. Have been there much of my life. It's not as uncommon as you might think. Some are just better at hiding it than others. I have struggled with same-sex attraction most of my life, in difinite opposition to my spiritual beliefs and desires. I know all those feelings described in this post. It's taken me years to get a grip, but it CAN BE DONE. Never give up, keep trying and don't beat yourself up when you make a mistake, just pick yourself up, forgive yourself and keep on going. Feel free to PM me as well, and that goes to anyone reading this that could use a friend like that. I certainly could use the friendships too. Depression can be treated, and believe me the meds do help. So does having someone to talk to that relates to all that negativity and self hatred. Don't try to handle this **** by yourself. The lonliness is unbearable. If there is someone willing to listen and be there for you, don't push them away! I'd given anything when I was younger to have someone who was willing to listen, love and understand what I thought no one in this whole world could possibly handle hearing about. Thanks for your post. You done a wise thing by sharing your struggle. I would have never had the guts to have done that. Your cry for help has not gone unnoticed as you read here in these responses. People do care, sometimes we just have to let them know there is a struggle to care about instead of hiding it inside ourselves.
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RE: Life sucks - 9/9/2008 5:53:49 PM
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evryknee
Posts: 297
Joined: 3/9/2008
Status: offline
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quote:
quote:
ORIGINAL: YZGUY
I've found that peace does not come from doing (chnaging), but surrendering.
True but depressing... I've tried that before and in the end I just end up having a really bad week. Accepting you suck, always did, always will... thats hard to accept.
Oh well, I'll live...
Anyway thanks for the little bits of advice... I'll have to pick up that book sometime...
There's a difference between saying "I suck" vs. saying I have done "sucky things." The first is a character statement you are placing on yourself that has been placed there due to shame (A shame-based statement). Saying that you have done stinky things is not a character statement, but a fact that you have sinned and fallen short. The hope is not in being different (more perfect (Pharasaical thinking)), but in going to the one who is Perfect (Humble thinking). He was perfect so we do not have to be (not that we shoudn't try do right, of course).
The full truth is that God's love for us, his decision to choose us despite the fact that we have done bad things, is the greater truth. If he says that I have created you, and chosen you to be my child, despite what you or I have done, why is it that we cannot accept that? WHy is it that we believe what we think of ourselves more than what God thinks? It is because of our pride. Yet, when we confess this, he will forgive us and cleanse us from it - giving us hope in the power of His Word. No need to be ashamed of your sins, they have been covered in he blood. We have been guilty, so JC paid the price for you and me, so that we might be reconciled to Him. OK - Off my soapbox now. Preach the gospel to yourself daily, brother.
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