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Multi-Generational Households and Authority - 11/9/2008 12:54:05 PM
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Sideways
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I was just watching a documentary focusing on Zambia, and some of the households covered were multi-general, and it got me curious. Multi-generational households, worldwide, are probably more common then the westernized ideal of moving away and having your own household when you reach adulthood.
But how would the authority structure work? Does anyone else have any personal experience with this? Do the grandparents have authority over their adult children or over their minor grandchildren (and how would that conflict with the parents' authority)? What about major household decisions in a more patriarchal society?
Since most of us here are westerners, how would you feel about living in a multi-generational household? (Especially if you still had to submit to the authority of the eldest generation?) I know some of us here are caring for ailing parents who are unable to live on their own, but that is a slightly different dynamic. Would you want to live with parents/grandparents, even if they were perfectly healthy?
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RE: Multi-Generational Households and Authority - 11/9/2008 1:12:45 PM
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BlessedMamaofmany
Posts: 2026
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From: Just north of nowhere
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My mom lives with me. She is perfectly healthy and capable of living on her own, but she (and Justin and I) chose to have her live with us when she retired.
As far as authority goes, the kids know that Betsemama (our name for my mom) is to be obeyed just as much as mommy or daddy. Disobedience or disrepect to her is punished as heavily as it is towards us.
We've never had any authority issues. My mom is very careful to never overstep her bounds. Actually, she rarely offers advice or input, she'll wait for me to ask (how rad is that?).
If she disagrees with something I do or say as a parent, IF she even says anything, it's in private.
BUT, I know that we (as in our relationship mom and I) are the exception rather than the rule.
If it was another relative, such as my dad and stepmom. I would NOT want to live with them. That would be a whole different ball o' wax kwim?
I would rather cut own foot off than live with the IL's. LOL. Seriously. btdt. No.thanks.
As a side note, my mom moved in with me AFTER Justin left. And while he's on board with her living here, and loves her as much as I do (gets along wonderfully with her in fact) it will be interesting to see how the dynamics change after Daddy comes home...
That's my .02 =)
Sandy
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RE: Multi-Generational Households and Authority - 11/9/2008 1:18:52 PM
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Ellie-Mae
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In our house, my husband's Aunt, my mother, and my brother came to live with us. My brother recently moved out on his own.
We own the house. they came to live with us, and that makes a bit of difference I think.
My husband is answerable to us. Under God, the children our under our authority. The children treat the other adults with respect which means that they obey them, BUT they are not really under their authority. The other adults have to abide by our rules when it comes to the children.
We treat the other adults with respect, but they are not in authority over us. It takes a lot of communication. My husband is the head of this home. He does not push his way, but will put his foot down when the household is not able to run well and is causing stress because if someone is not cooperating. He has earned that respect.
One of the things that really helps is that we all do our best to make sure that everyone else is cared for. When everyone does that, no one's needs get left out.
Also, praying regularly together as a family is a must!
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RE: Multi-Generational Households and Authority - 11/9/2008 3:41:41 PM
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zoebob
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From: land of limbo
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I think Ellie's situation is so amazing. From the few days I spent there I think she described it well. Her husband comes across as a gentle, quiet and respected man.
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RE: Multi-Generational Households and Authority - 11/9/2008 5:31:18 PM
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Sideways
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Sandy, I meant to ask you, will your mom continue to live with you once Justin is home for good?
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RE: Multi-Generational Households and Authority - 11/9/2008 6:13:45 PM
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betterisoneday
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Most of my life we lived on my grandparent's property, either in a mobile a few feet away or in their house. Often one of my mom's brother's would live in their (my grandparents) house, we lived in the mobile and another of the brothers (and his family) lived in a smaller house a few feet to the other side of my grandparent's, it'd be up to 11 or 12 people.
I know my parent's had some problems with it when I was young, but they managed it fairly easily. Partly by paying some rent, which may make it a bit different than what you're saying, and partly by everyone understanding that the children might (will) raise their children a bit differently and you didn't badmouth any of the adults.
The grandparent's were to be obeyed, but if the parent's were right there they would take care of any discipline.
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RE: Multi-Generational Households and Authority - 11/11/2008 12:07:50 PM
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stampinlady
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I think it's wonderful for children have their grandparents live wiith them as long as they get along. If you can have all the rules laid out so that every adult knows who's in charge there shouldn't be a problem.
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"You don't need a New Year's Resolution, you need a Resurection! Dr. Tony Evans
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RE: Multi-Generational Households and Authority - 11/11/2008 12:37:59 PM
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all4aremine
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My husband's mother lives with us and our three children. Actually it works out quite well for us. When I moved in Dh wanted to third the household bills, and I politely told him no we would do the bills between the two of us as long as mother-in-law paid her car and insurance note. Also she is there to take the kids to school and pick them up.
She is to be obeyed just as we are and we include her in all major decisions being made with knowing that we make the final decision. She is not an authority over us and normally she doesn't get in the way of disciplining the kids.
I am used to having a parent living with me, so this didn't bother me. Before I lived with DH and his mom, I lived with my parents even as an adult. They were there for me when I got divorced and went through all my troubles
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RE: Multi-Generational Households and Authority - 11/11/2008 3:44:04 PM
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Row1
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for most of the Bible, extended families living together or close-by were probably very common - but it is pretty clear that the parent-child role is recognized as very specific and special.
off the top of my head: song of songs (brothers, sisters, parents), proverbs (father/son); leviticus (defining incest to be avoided); and i can't recall the book, where it says who might 'marry' a widow. Also emphasis on parent/child lineage, but also on "tribe" lineage, evident in many OT books.
All of these and more show clear family-relation definitions.
this is not the case around the world. i have been told (by someone from India, doing one of these multi-cultural sensitivity training sessions) that in India, currently, for some people, sons and daughters are not so much recognized, as are the whole cohort of kids at the same age - they have some word that is not quite 'son / daughter' or 'cousin,' but is like cousin - indicating closeness to nieces and nephews that is similar to the closeness we recognize between parents and their direct offspring.
Native Americans may have had a similar parent-child concept: offspring are recognized, but nieces/nephews kind of 'belonged' to all uncles/aunts.
In a similar 'multicultural training' talk, a man from Camaroon told us he knew his birth mother, but in his community, he and other kids regarded several aunts as almost-mother - -as a kid he could go eat dinner, and stay the night, at any aunt's home as if he belonged just like a son. The 'father' was not so much recognized, but there was just a group of adult men associated with the group. This guy was from a very rural community without too much direct foregn influence til he got sponsored by his community to go get educated.
The problem with these examples from much of Africa is that, since the Portuguese really ramped up the slave trade in the 1600s, and many European groups began to 'colonize' Africa, the family and social structures of much of the African people have been pushed and pulled and torn apart. New 'countries' were defined by European forces, and these often were defined to split some local group right down the middle, and turn locals against each other, making it easier for Europeans to dominate.
Some of these groups were semi-nomadic, moving when annual rains came, or animals migrated. Defining regions by colonizer ended much of this.
Many of these groups have not had a lot of written history, as the Egyptians and other African groups have had. So, there is a lack of historical info on the family structure in African history.
john Reader's book Africa (the longone, not the short one) might be the best single source to find much of this info on Africa up to and thru colonial history.
So, we have little idea what family strucure was like in Zambia and other African countries, and what structures are in place now in existence has some of the old plus some of what has been improvized across 400+ years of foreign influence.
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RE: Multi-Generational Households and Authority - 11/13/2008 3:54:41 PM
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Oldwing
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From: New Hampshire, USA
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Interesting conversation. My wife and I live 3 hours from our daughter, her husband and our two grandchildren. They have expressed a desire to move to our town. We want them here. We are considering renting a large house for all of us to cut costs for everyone. So its not a straight-forward someone-moving-in-with-someone-else scenario. We are talking about the rules and what has been covered before [in this thread] about parental rights being with the parents, not the grandparents, and that grandparents must be respected are a part of that discussion. Also we must consider times when parents are at work and children are with grandparents only - at those times grandparents are parents-for-the-moment. We grandparents work at home so whenever schedules have children at home there will always be an adult there.
We also have discussed chores, bills, transportation, vacations, privacy, bathroom rules, etc. There's a lot to cover!
We're still in the discussion stage so if anyone has any questions or suggestions please speak up. We hope to be a model for extended family living and that means we have to listen to each other, respect each other and support each other. So I am here to listen to you as representative of our family, as well as let you all know how it goes if/when we make the decision to all live together.
Personally I am thrilled with the idea and everyone else seems the same.
Privacy and division of chores seem to be the biggest items currently up for debate. We will need 4 bedrooms, plus a home office room, so a 5 bedroom house is a must.
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Gary
These things I command you, that you love one another. John 15:17
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RE: Multi-Generational Households and Authority - 11/13/2008 6:58:57 PM
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cynthia
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My household is multi-generational. There is my husband and myself, our three children and my mother. We have lived together for twelve years. My mother is a divorced woman who does not want to live alone. She thinks she would hate it and I tend to agree with her, as does my husband.
My mother has no authority over my husband and I, but we do give her reasonable authority over our children. She is not to interfere in our discipline or discuss disagreements in front of our children. We have had to work through this over the years, but we have a good routine. The children are required to respect and obey her, as long as it doesn’t go against something we have told them. She used to have a tendency to give them orders to do something that’s bugging her (like vacuuming) when they were in the middle of something else, like school! She doesn’t really do that anymore, but she used to. We’ve had to work through it.
We pay rent. I do all the grocery shopping and most of the cooking. The kids have chores. Mom does whatever she wants, but she likes to do some cleaning and is a whiz at the gardening. Our beautiful yard is thanks to her and my husband. She tells him what she wants and he does it. He gets his “honey do” list pretty much from Mother. He’s like a son to her. He is protective and honoring of her. It’s really nice. She likes to have a man around the house who she respects and feels safe with. The two of them get along remarkably well.
We are hoping in a couple of months to be moving, Lord willing. At that time we will likely purchase a home together, with us taking on the majority of the financial burden. She will not pay us rent or utilities. She has given us a very good deal for many years and we want to give back to her. She deserves it. We will live like this as long as we can and take care of her in her old age.
This arrangement has been very good for us. For the majority of the time we have lived together Mom and my husband both worked full time and I stay home with the children and homeschool them. Now that Mom is retired, it still works out just as well. Our home is big enough that she has her own space and we are free to work at our schooling, etc. She has been very helpful in watching the children from time to time, but we don’t take advantage of her. In September, my husband’s grandfather passed away. We went across the country for two weeks and Mom stayed with the children. She said she had a whole new respect for homeschool moms, since school had started when we were gone. I had everything laid out and gave the kids their things to do so she just made sure they weren’t playing around. It worked out okay, but I had a lot to do when I got home. It was very nice to be able to leave and have her help without disrupting her or the kids.
All in all this is a very good arrangement for us. I like having my mother here. It has changed our relationship significantly and we have all done a lot of growing and changing. I’m glad we have a multi-generational family with my mother.
This is not something I could do with anyone. I could never, never live with my father. My mil and I wouldn’t do very well living together either. However this has worked out well.
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My husband and I have a motto:
We are the leader. We are one.
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RE: Multi-Generational Households and Authority - 11/14/2008 11:20:07 PM
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MrsDC
Posts: 150
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From: Sinaloa, Mexico
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quote:
One of the things that really helps is that we all do our best to make sure that everyone else is cared for. When everyone does that, no one's needs get left out.
Also, praying regularly together as a family is a must!
Well said, Ellie!
My husband's mom and step-dad lived with us for several years before we moved down here. (We can't seem to convince them to move this far south! Go figger.) It had its struggles, but I thank God for the time that the kids got to spend with their grandparents. It was worth every hard moment and I wouldn't change a thing!
-- Rebecca
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RE: Multi-Generational Households and Authority - 11/18/2008 12:30:02 PM
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KatMack
Posts: 1074
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From: Along the Canopy Roads
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DH, myself and our three children are living with my parents right now. DH and I owe respect to my parents and we do live by the "house rules" since it is there home- but they don't hold "authority" over us since we are adults. The kids are responsible to obey Mom, Dad and Nana and Papa equally. I'm very blessed that my parents are very respectful of boundries and follow what DH and I say when it comes to the kids.
My mom also cares for them for me while I'm at work. The only problem we've run into is that she struggles with switching back to "Nana" mode after being in "Nanny" mode all day. She'll automatically correct the kids when I'm home and able to do it (and was either in the process of doing it myself or getting ready to). More a minor annoyance than a real issue. I know it's got to be hard for her to make that switch!
Our biggest issue is Mom keeps trying to mother me! I have to remind myself this is a wonderful problem to have. Example- last night my allergies started bothering me and I was stuffy (and a touch cranky). Mom kept making a fuss over me and offering to go down to the drugstore and get me some medicine. I had to remind her that I'm 31 years old and a mother to three. If I want medicine, I can and will go get it myself!
--Kat
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<-- My sweet blessings.
"God will do what God will do. What I'm responsible for is to believe he's all he says he is and obey what he tells me to do. " -magdaleine
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