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My Modesty is Disgusting... - 11/15/2008 3:15:51 PM
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lea84
Posts: 51
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That's at least, what I've been told. It's been a while since I've been able to post here but I knew this would probably be a better place to get insight and advice regarding this problem.
I'm going to be very frank. I'm almost 25 and have only had one bf and am waiting until marriage to have sex. I dress modestly and act that way as well. I don't like to drink, smoke, do drugs, go to wild/drunken parties, see/engage in same-sex kissing. grab/grope my friend's breasts, etc. You get the idea!
I usually try to keep how I feel under wraps to not offend others but I have some acquaintances who, I have been told, see my modesty as threatening or "disgusting". Or how did she put it "your modesty is so disgusting it's not even funny!" 
The reason why I don't say anything openly is because I've been told that I'm a drag or that I make people feel bad for what they want to do. Hey you know what, if you want to get drunk at a party and make out with your chick friend, be my guest I think it's stupid and gross, but don't expect me to be there either.
Some of these acquaintances will invite me to go out with them or go to their house parties and I usually decline and they get offended. But why should I subject myself to behavior that is clearly unChristian and unwise? I don't go around telling them that but I chose not to view it and therefore, separate myself from it. Because I do that, my acquaintances/friends tell me that it makes them feel bad for what they choose to do. But I'm not making them do anything! Not at all! If anything I always try to provide something else to do together such as going to shop at a store when there's a sale, I wanted to go to a garden lighting last week (it's super cool, they handlight thousands of candles!), I invite them to go to an apple orchard with me and other activities that are relatively healthy, inexpensive, and fun. But now, it's me feeling bad.
One of these acquaintances is not Christian but is "looking" I suppose and well dresses...provocatively? It seems that everytime I see her, there's at least 3 inches of cleavage. And no I am not jealous of her cleavage, I can hold my own in that area (literally and figuratively haha!  ) but it makes me uncomfortable to be around her because men look-- and when they look, they LOOK. And then they look at me expecting the same thing too which I will not give. It was a little awkward at the mall where we were both together. It was uncomfortable and it made me wonder if I really wanted to be associated with certain expectations.
I tried to talk to her about it in a very subtle way but she was able to smell me from a mile. Then I was accused of judging her and not wanting to be friends for good reasons and instead being superficial. Then she told me that I wouldn't be bothered as much if I just showed some of "my goods" as well.
Sometimes I wonder if I should even bother being modest because if it isn't offending someone, it's people thinking that I am trying to show that I am better than they are, but I'm not. Then I start to think that maybe I am somehow missing out on something. Does anyone know what I mean? I tend to get this from other women unfortunately. Men have either told me that it's nice to not have to see cleavage 24/7, I'm easy to talk to/approach, and I don't need to always garner attention to myself. But I have the most difficult time with some women and I don't know why. Maybe I am doing something wrong??
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RE: My Modesty is Disgusting... - 11/15/2008 4:08:29 PM
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HisCovenant
Posts: 4118
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Sounds like your modesty is convicting to them and they don't like that. You can't feel bad about that. Just keep doing what you know to be right.
I would also urge you to examine the friends that you keep. It sounds like you are running with a pretty fast crowd. I'm not suggesting that you just dump them, but rather that you reaccess their role in your life and that you intentionally chose some people in your life who are more mature and Christ-like. You may be doing this already... if so, keep it up... if not, I would love for you to think about the influence these friends have over you and how you can influence them without having them lead you down the wrong path.
_____________________________
-HisCovenant/ Zipporah
My friends call me Zippy!
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RE: My Modesty is Disgusting... - 11/15/2008 4:53:08 PM
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lea84
Posts: 51
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Here is the catch: many of these acquaintances/friends consider themselves to be Christian, but I am the one who is "uptight". I've been to some of their parties and they don't think getting drunk every single time is a problem-- they see it as fun. They also think it's funny for the girls to kiss each other and say it's all in fun. I once went to one of their parties with my old bf and when I expressed to him that I was not happy to see him drinking, they all told me that I was being "a drag" and I had no right to control him.
Once one of them asked me why I disapproved of drinking. I told them that having a glass of wine or champagne at a wedding isn't a problem, or a glass at a fancy dinner or banquet (all of which I have done with no issues) but drinking for the sake of drunkenness did not sit well with me. Then she told me that I just didn't want to admit that I thought it was sinning and that I was uptight.
One of these girls I have known since high school and some of them are her friends, or my acquaintances who I have known for the last few years or so. I have never felt compelled to know them better to be honest.
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RE: My Modesty is Disgusting... - 11/15/2008 4:59:02 PM
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BeeLuvsAva
Posts: 1237
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Well first off, don't let them say that! Modesty is in no way disgusting, the sad thing is there are very few women that are your age that are modest.
I agree with HisCovenant, you might need to examine the friends that you keep. They can be stumbling blocks in your life for what YOU believe. maybe not now, but we all have our weak moments, and we do need to avoid the stumbling blocks.
Kudos to you for sticking with what you believe, I know a lot of people who would have just given in to peer pressure to try and fit it, especially if a friend had said "Modesty is Disgusting"
Good Luck!
B
_____________________________
We enjoy warmth because we have been cold.
We appreciate light because we have been in darkness.
By the same token, we can experience joy because we have known sadness.
-David Weatherford
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RE: My Modesty is Disgusting... - 11/15/2008 5:20:23 PM
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lea84
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Thank you for the encouragement! It can be very difficult making friends my age who share the same values. Unfortunately I also seem to attract people who are older and believe they are the wiser and that I am still young and naive. I recently met with a girl who is married, has a child and says she is Christian and goes to church but doesn't think there is anything wrong with living together before marriage, premarital sex, wearing what you want, etc. It was really hard to relate to her. I simply said that I didn't agree with those things and she took that as me being judgmental. Sigh.
When I DO met other Christians, then I am told that I am not "modest enough"!
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RE: My Modesty is Disgusting... - 11/15/2008 5:34:41 PM
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splost
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Disgusting????? Wow! I am sorry people have told you that. I think it is wonderful that you feel the way you do about those issues. I would reccommend buying "When God Writes Your Love Story," if you are feeling down and second guessing yourself.
Think of all the heartache your "less modest" friends are going to experience once their boyfriends break up with them and they wind up not getting married, after they have kissed, etc.
You are doing yourself a huge favor emotionally by not getting physically involved at all before marriage.
Hang in there. You have my support and God's.
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RE: My Modesty is Disgusting... - 11/15/2008 5:56:46 PM
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BeeLuvsAva
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quote:
ORIGINAL: splost
Disgusting????? Wow! I am sorry people have told you that. I think it is wonderful that you feel the way you do about those issues. I would reccommend buying "When God Writes Your Love Story," if you are feeling down and second guessing yourself.
Think of all the heartache your "less modest" friends are going to experience once their boyfriends break up with them and they wind up not getting married, after they have kissed, etc.
You are doing yourself a huge favor emotionally by not getting physically involved at all before marriage.
Hang in there. You have my support and God's.
I agree!
_____________________________
We enjoy warmth because we have been cold.
We appreciate light because we have been in darkness.
By the same token, we can experience joy because we have known sadness.
-David Weatherford
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RE: My Modesty is Disgusting... - 11/16/2008 3:37:35 AM
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nevaehs_gaze
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I agree, find new friends! People who share your morals! If they don't support you, they aren't true friends anyway. I'm proud of you for not giving in and standing your ground. You go girl!!
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RE: My Modesty is Disgusting... - 11/16/2008 6:50:37 PM
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Roberta_
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ael- It's so hard to be a Christian in today's world. If you were to dress like a skank and party, there would be acquaintances who'd put you down for that too. It's better just to please the Lord.
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RE: My Modesty is Disgusting... - 11/16/2008 9:11:02 PM
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pumpkin
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honestly... I would not hang out with them anymore. They aren't really your friends.
When I was in high school I was accused (by my "friends") of being so sweet it was sickening, also being such a goody two shoes that they couldn't handle it. They called me "little Miss Perfect" behind my back. It really made me extremely sad when I found out.... in our senior year, at the very end of the year. It turns out that only about 2 of the "really" good friends that I thought I had were actual friends at all.
I personally would keep on just being yourself. If you don't like doing the things that they want you to do, or dressing the way that they want you to dress (and good grief, what you describe is purely disgusting!) then simply don't do those things. Be yourself. Always.
You may not have to look at them in 1 month, or 1 year, or in 10 years... but you will still have to look at yourself for the rest of your life, and it's better to have lived in a way that pleases you and God than those who are long gone.
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RE: My Modesty is Disgusting... - 11/16/2008 10:27:39 PM
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MrsTracy72
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quote:
ORIGINAL: HisCovenant
I would also urge you to examine the friends that you keep. It sounds like you are running with a pretty fast crowd. I'm not suggesting that you just dump them, but rather that you reaccess their role in your life and that you intentionally chose some people in your life who are more mature and Christ-like. You may be doing this already... if so, keep it up... if not, I would love for you to think about the influence these friends have over you and how you can influence them without having them lead you down the wrong path.
That is pretty much what I was going to say. I don't have friends who party or have same sex relationships. I don't hang out with people who let their bodies flop all over the place because they are not sufficiently covered.
You don't need to change who you are, but if you are preaching to them, then I would think about that. I am not sure if you are, but if that is the case, then I can see where they would be irritated. If you are invited to a bar and don't want to go, simply say no and leave it at that. If you are invited to a party and don't want to go, a simple no should do. You don't need to explain every time why you aren't going. It sounds like your friends know you well enough to know that you don't like those things and they don't need to be constantly reminded. Maybe if that is the case, just laying off of the reasoning will help a bit.
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RE: My Modesty is Disgusting... - 11/16/2008 11:08:54 PM
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kmgnm97
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From: Maine
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quote:
ORIGINAL: MrsTracy72
quote:
ORIGINAL: HisCovenant
I would also urge you to examine the friends that you keep. It sounds like you are running with a pretty fast crowd. I'm not suggesting that you just dump them, but rather that you reaccess their role in your life and that you intentionally chose some people in your life who are more mature and Christ-like. You may be doing this already... if so, keep it up... if not, I would love for you to think about the influence these friends have over you and how you can influence them without having them lead you down the wrong path.
That is pretty much what I was going to say. I don't have friends who party or have same sex relationships. I don't hang out with people who let their bodies flop all over the place because they are not sufficiently covered.
You don't need to change who you are, but if you are preaching to them, then I would think about that. I am not sure if you are, but if that is the case, then I can see where they would be irritated. If you are invited to a bar and don't want to go, simply say no and leave it at that. If you are invited to a party and don't want to go, a simple no should do. You don't need to explain every time why you aren't going. It sounds like your friends know you well enough to know that you don't like those things and they don't need to be constantly reminded. Maybe if that is the case, just laying off of the reasoning will help a bit.
I agree with your advice. Preaching or even a big explanation isn't probably necessary. If someone I don't know very well asks me if I want to join them in going to a bar or something of that nature I just say no thanks and that it is not my thing (or something to that affect). This lets them know that they shouldn't bother inviting me in the future, but I also haven't gotten preachy with them. If they ask me why, then I'll go into a little more detail because then they have initiated that discussion.
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RE: My Modesty is Disgusting... - 11/18/2008 12:53:13 AM
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lea84
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Wow everyone I'm glad to see the encouragement :) I always think that by being the way I am, there is something I'm missing out in life...but it always turns out that there really isn't much that I'm missing.
I definitely can relate to the poster whose friends called her goody-two shoes behind her back. These "friends" refer to me with similar names and somehow think that I am trying to coerce them to change their behavior and be more pious and I am not. Now, if my behavior compelled them to change their ways, that would be great but unfortunately that would be in a more perfect world.
It is also very difficult to find quality Christian friends who act the way they talk. Oftentimes I come across people who think that I am "holier than thou" even though I don't go around preaching. I once even lost a friend because when she asked me what I thought about her having premarital sex and I told her that I didn't agree with it at all and ultimately God was the final judge, she accused me of trying to "be the better person" and ended our friendship on a very bad note! I didn't even want to talk about that topic but because I wasn't "mean" or nasty about it with her, she took it to a whole different level.
I've found that I end up scaring people away because I'm modest, or end up losing friends. I lost another friend just this week  Honestly, this sucks.
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RE: My Modesty is Disgusting... - 11/18/2008 1:42:56 AM
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jesuschick247
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Dear ael84,
I hadn't posted before because I didn't know what to say, but I have to tell you sometimes, it is better to lose a friend who is tearing you down than to keep them, hard to do, I know.
I have also been told that I am way too modest, in High School I was told by this guy who liked me but that I wouldn't go out with because I knew he wanted to have a sexual relationship, that I would-"Never find a guy who is going to match up to my Holier than thou standards and you're going to end up dying single" and a bunch of other stuff that I can't say on here. This has happened with several other guys also.
But, I know that somewhere, there is the perfect guy for me and that is all that matters. I do not accept nor believe the things they spoke over me, in fact, about a month ago, I was prayed over to break the curses that have been spoken over my life and it was such a lift to my spirit.
The point is...no matter what ANYONE says, modesty is not disgusting or weird! It is something to be valued and cherished! We are Christians and we are to be in this world, but not of it.
I always like to use the quote-"Modest is Hottest!"
_____________________________
"The memories erased...Baby, that's the BEAUTY of GRACE!"
"Always be a first-rate version of yourself, rather than a second-rate version of someone else." - Judy Garland
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RE: My Modesty is Disgusting... - 11/18/2008 3:05:24 PM
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HisCovenant
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quote:
ORIGINAL: ael84
Wow everyone I'm glad to see the encouragement :) I always think that by being the way I am, there is something I'm missing out in life...but it always turns out that there really isn't much that I'm missing.
You are missing out on lots of things... venerial diseases, pre-marital pregnancy, DUIs, lying to your parents, flashing the public, drunkenness, carousing, ignoring authority, etc... but those are wonderful things to miss out on!!!
quote:
ORIGINAL: ael84
It is also very difficult to find quality Christian friends who act the way they talk. Oftentimes I come across people who think that I am "holier than thou" even though I don't go around preaching. I once even lost a friend because when she asked me what I thought about her having premarital sex and I told her that I didn't agree with it at all and ultimately God was the final judge, she accused me of trying to "be the better person" and ended our friendship on a very bad note! I didn't even want to talk about that topic but because I wasn't "mean" or nasty about it with her, she took it to a whole different level.
It is tough to be discerning and to come to the understanding that true believers are in the minority. It is painful to learn that people who are easily accessible to you as friends and aquaintances and who call themselves Christians aren't serious about pleasing God and are the ones who need mentoring by you... it's especially painful when you know you are the one who needs mentoring, support, and encouragement. You can't go by age. I promise, the three most immature people I know are in their 60's... maybe it's just the contrast of my expectations to their age.
I still think you need to reassess who are your true friends and to not trust these people you are calling friends who don't have anyone's best interests at heart (not even their own.) Continue to be a true friend to everyone you meet, but discern who you should trust and give the label of "My Friend." All others should be labelled as lesser (aquaintances, maybe) until they have passed certain tests.
_____________________________
-HisCovenant/ Zipporah
My friends call me Zippy!
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RE: My Modesty is Disgusting... - 11/20/2008 11:09:59 AM
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momndaboyz
Posts: 33
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ael84 - I am so glad you came here to post. Your strength and the responses posted here are so refreshing in today's world. I just want to encourage you to continue on in your walk. You are in the right here. My coworker is so much like you and continually challenged by our other coworkers and I stick up for her all the time. The first thing that came to my mind is that you could benefit from a balance of friends, some that can lead and strengthen you as well as these friends who challenge you. I have friends in both walks and enjoy the experience. Here's a question - if they think you are so "odd" - why are they spending so much time with you? You must be inspiring them in some way. They must feel something challening THEM when they test you and try to get you to be like them but you stand strong. You must be doing very well in your walk to have continued on with them. Remember, Jesus had(has) God, his disciples as well as all the "sinners" he spent time with, with the intent to lead them in paths of righteousness. You are doing great! Continue to encourage the alternative activities. I would love to have someone take me to a garden lighting instead of a "saliva party!" Try to include some more people in your life who can hold you up when you feel tested by your other friends.
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RE: My Modesty is Disgusting... - 11/20/2008 9:08:24 PM
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prolifepj
Posts: 724
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From: just over yonder
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Song of Solomon - "I am a garden enclosed...a fountain sealed."
Better to be the 'uptight' whole-hearted one -ready to stand before God than to have pieces of your heart scattered everywhere and nothing to give to God and the one He's preparing you for...
_____________________________
Sho nuff honey chile - Smile, it makes people wonder what you're up to!
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RE: My Modesty is Disgusting... - 11/24/2008 8:18:41 PM
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Covaan_Meshuga
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I agree with anyone who encourages you to keep doing what you're doing. Bless you! We need more daughters like you and more sons who appreciate women like you. We need more women who are not willing to give it up for a night and more sons who are the same.
_____________________________
Abiyah
"Ladies and gentlemen, there are things that you will only be able to learn by the weakest among us, and when you snuff them out, you are the one that loses." ~~Gianna Jesson, 1977 LA, CA, saline abortion survivor
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RE: My Modesty is Disgusting... - 11/24/2008 8:32:38 PM
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PaleHawkWoman
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I wish some designer would consider making a fashionable and modest clothes line. I usually put together my own outfits or sew them, taking cues from classic tailoring styles or altering basic patterns to suit my style. I know that lots of folks don't much care for muslim religion, but you have to admit that many of the clothes worn by muslim women is elegant as well as modest. In fact, I use a lot of Native style when I make something.
One can be fashionably attired and modest at the same time, and I find that women who are so attired are usually treated with greater respect and professional courtesy than women who are more "out there".
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RE: My Modesty is Disgusting... - 11/24/2008 8:37:29 PM
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Covaan_Meshuga
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PaleHawkWoman, I was looking through a catalog of such clothing, and I was amazed at the modesty displayed in them! Loved it! I would love to pick up some items from them, and I am completely enamored with '40 styles. I feel too fat to wear them, however.
_____________________________
Abiyah
"Ladies and gentlemen, there are things that you will only be able to learn by the weakest among us, and when you snuff them out, you are the one that loses." ~~Gianna Jesson, 1977 LA, CA, saline abortion survivor
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RE: My Modesty is Disgusting... - 11/24/2008 9:07:55 PM
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piano_lover
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ael84, I applaud you for your standards! Keep the faith girl. I know that it can be hard to do at times, I'm 23 and I always dress with modesty. It can be a lonely road at times. But God has something better for us, if we will just keep holding on to him. God should be the only person that we aim to please.
And I am not trying to cut down your friends either, but if they are putting down your standard of holiness, then they are obviously convicted. They seriously need to examine their hearts and search to see if God would approve of how they are living their lives.
I have seen the way girls who dress like tramps are treated by guys. They get no respect and are treated like pieces of meat. That has never been the way I want for a man to treat me. So let your friends get mad at you because sadly, they will end up having much more heartache in the years to come. Thanks for posting this! It has given me encouragment!
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And I wish more women would dress modestly. There are even times at church that I see way more than I want to see and I definitely don't want my husband and pre-adolescent son exposed to it either. 
