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Need some advice from both Men and Women - 7/7/2008 12:46:53 AM
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jdurham
Posts: 12
Joined: 7/7/2008
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Have been dating a great woman that loves God. We have been talking about marriage here recently and set a "loose" date around the end of October. I have 2 boys, 13 and 14 and she has 2 boys 11 and 16.
The issue and/or potential problem:
Her 16 year old son is a very strong willed, selfish kid. This is also fueled by his real father that is constantly pushing his son to outwardly oppose his mother. I have battled with my flesh in dealing with this kid, who by the way is 6'4" and 250bs. It seems that whenever we get together with each other or with any of her family the conversation turns this kid. Last year she was at her wits end and we both looked at numerous programs that may have been helpful. After exhasting many options she ended up placing him a christian military boarding school. Things kind of came to a head a few nights ago when he was arguing with his mom about not going back to this same school. The way he was speaking to her was very hard for me not to intervien but I held my tounque. Well yesterday I couldn't hold my tounque....she was trying to get him to cut the grass. He comes outside slamming doors and carrying on. She siad somthing to him and started on her, well I had had it and I spoke up and said that he better watch his tone with his mom. After he finished both of them went inside. I walked in about 5 minutes later and was in his mom's face and hollering....and the conversation got heated again.
My issue is..I just don't know if I can live in the same house with this boy. I do love his Mom but the reality is that he comes with her.
One side of me says that what this boy needs a consistent live to see and that i should continue to be patient.
the other side says that i am a fool for marrying into this situation. I do not see it getting any better.
I am really torn and I want to know what CHrist would have me do. I do not want to do what my flesh says but I am not sure what may be flesh, what may be the holy spirit and what is just plain facts. Thanks for any biblical advice and anyone that has been invovled ina remarriage with kids
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RE: Need some advice from both Men and Women - 7/7/2008 1:13:35 AM
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gmc4Jesus
Posts: 222
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Torrance, California
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J
I can somewhat identify so here's some of my thoughts.
I married my second wife after dating a couple of months. My two teenage sons were with me. However, I didn't give enough (hardly any) consideration about how this new relationship would impact them. They were very respectful and obedient and, for the most part, adapted fairly well to living in the new wife's house. The youngest, however, soon chose to live with his mother. The oldest was independent enough and didn't cause any real problems so he stayed until he moved out a couple of years later to be on his own.
I didn't give my son's enough consideration or time to prepare for what I was jumping into. I had been divorced only a year and was getting married on the rebound (my mistake). If I had taken it slower and given them more time and even the permission to share their views, it might have saved me from a second divorce less than four years later.
I would suggest, if you haven't already tried this, that you try to spend some time with this son, ask him honestly how he feels about the situation. Let him know that you respect him and his feelings. See if there is any particular issue that might need to be a consideration for delaying any marriage until he either grows out of the home or comes to accept you as a step parent.
Some friends of mine also married with teenagers in the house. The son in this situation has been on and off drugs, in and out of jail. The step-father has been very supportive, but it has caused considerable strain on both he and his wife.
You might check with Family Life. I think they have some books and study material that may give you some good counsel as well.
I understand the passion to want to marry someone you love, but make sure you have dealt with any issues in yourself that contributed to any prior marriage failure and make sure that she has likewise acknowledged what she needs to change in herself to make this marriage last a life time.
I can almost guarantee that your and her other children will have some strong feelings about this relationship also. Do the other children get along well with each other? How do your children feel about her? How do her other children feel about you? If you want this marriage to last, you must deal with these issues.
How long have you known each other? I would suggest that you don't do anything until you dated at least one to two years and gotten some pre-marriage counseling to make sure you are dealing with your issues and that you truly know each other.
May God give you wisdom as you proceed with this relationship.
_____________________________
Let's talk about Jesus, His life and teachings at the www.gettingtoknowjesus.org Gospel Study Forum.
Home of "Getting To Know Jesus", a complete Bible study on the life and teachings of Jesus.
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RE: Need some advice from both Men and Women - 7/7/2008 1:24:54 AM
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ChoirDJ
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My advice is that you think long and hard about marrying under these circumstances. Given the details you mentioned, the odds for having a successful marriage would be stacked heavily against you. Problems with the stepchildren (as well as not taking the time to figure out what went wrong in the first marriage) are major reasons why second divorces happen and it's just not worth the pain you'll put yourselves and the children through.
_____________________________
"Sin will take you further than you intended to go, keep you there longer than you intended to stay, and cost you more than you intended to spend." Got it?
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RE: Need some advice from both Men and Women - 7/7/2008 8:32:37 AM
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csl7037
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I also think it's not just about how you and she could handle this kid but how he is affecting his little brother and how blending the families with him so out of control would affect your boys as well. This kid sounds dangerous. It's a hard situation and I can see the side where you think maybe you need to be in the mix possibly to protect her even. But you wouldn't really have a much better place to correct or deal with him as a new stepfather - if anything that would just cause more tension. And there are other people to consider - three other boys who would not benefit at all from that kind of tension or fighting. I feel terrible for the position her younger son must be in and I'd not put my two boys in that situation for anything, if I were you.
Maybe you should get engaged, set a date two years out - which I think normally is silly to do but could make a lot of sense in this situation. And then let him know, at 18 he's moving out. In the mean time, maybe you (and your boys) could focus on your relationship with her 11 year old; sounds like he could use some support and a way to get away from it all sometimes.
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RE: Need some advice from both Men and Women - 7/7/2008 9:09:08 AM
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jdurham
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Wow, thanks so much for the replys. To answer a few questions.
All of our boys get along great. My 2 really do like her and show her more affection than they do their mom. her youngest is a great kid as well, I tease and pic with with him just the same as I do with my 2 boys, I could litterally take him for my own. We have had discussions with all four boys. She with hers and me with mine. When we asked them wht they thought about us getting married that a ll 4 say that its Ok and doesn't bohter them, with not much emotion in their voice. Nothing has surfaced since then (about 3 months ago) that would indicate that they were holding anything back. To much to our suprise most questions have been about the details of life after the marriage, where will we live, who will sleep with who, (we'll have to buy a larger home to accomodate these 4 hariy legged boys!) We have been dating now almost 2 years. We have both said than the major issue, that we can see, would be her oldest. I guess with a date approaching and the blow up on Saturday the rubber is REALLY hitting the road here.
We both recognize the need for counseling but I cannot beleive how difficult it has been to find someone that is, chrisitan, and someone that has really knowledge of these types of issues. Please keep any thoughts, ideas and opinon coming regarding this.
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RE: Need some advice from both Men and Women - 7/7/2008 9:10:25 AM
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Sadey
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Please Please Please don't do this to your boys. Because all of your lives will revolve around this boy and his problems. He 16, wait 2 years until he is grown and gone and then rethink the marriage idea.
We adopted a very very angry boy age 11 and it got worse as he got older and if we had stil had children at home we would not have been able to stay the course.
When you have a child like this everything and I mean everything revolves around them and the other kids are left to fend for themselves.
Take a good look at this situation and just how much time does mom spend dealing with this kid? And to be blunt with you, unless you are bigger than he is you won't be able to handle him because I promise you it will come down to that. He will get physical, especially with you and interloper.
If you do decide to marry please get some counseling for everyone. Also you need to think about your boys physical safety, will they be able to protect themselves when you are not around, would they feel that they had to step in and protect stepmom from this boy? Please don't make the mistake of thinking these things happen to other people.
I'm sorry this boy is so messed up but you willl have no say in his behaviour and it will cause problems between you and her. And again I say if you aren't able to physically handle him you need to back off. And if you're not able to stand by while he disrepects or hurts his mom then you need to not be around until he is grown and gone and that is not a guarentee that he won't still cause upheavel. And yes I feel bad for him that he is such a mess but dragging your boys through all this will not make him a better person and will hurt your children. Your first responsibility is to them.
Can you tell I feel strongly about this  I've seen too many children fall through the cracks because of a troubled sibling.
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RE: Need some advice from both Men and Women - 7/7/2008 9:16:31 AM
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car2ner
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I agree with the above.
Knowing nothing else but what you have posted, I would suggest waiting two years for this lad to turn 18... he needs a dose of real life at that point so he can learn to appreciate what he has at home. If he is out working or at school or in his own place, you will still have to deal with him but not with the same intensity.
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RE: Need some advice from both Men and Women - 7/7/2008 5:55:22 PM
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YZGUY
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Is there any discipline being used by the mom? When you interceded, what happened?
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RE: Need some advice from both Men and Women - 7/7/2008 8:20:10 PM
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MC4JC
Posts: 130
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From: Minnesota
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Who has custody of him? If its the mother and she's not taking control of him, then there may be more problems up the road if he's not respeciting her.
I do agree to wait a few more years before deciding if you want to spend your life with this woman and her kids. After the kids are grown and out of the house, things may be better. Keep in mind that you can never "divorce" the kids - they come with her no matter what.
If you guys are meant to be together, then a few more years of dating and really deciding if you want to be together will be worth it. If things don't improve you know you might have to keep searching for the right woman.
My husband and I both had kids, all teens or older. Only two of them stayed in the house more then a year for us to raise before they were off on their own. We did agree that if the kids were under 12 yrs old, we probably would not have gotten married cause most 2nd marriages are ruined by the kids or the ex's. We were lucky and were spared a lot of the problems that others go thru.
Keep praying and ask for God's guidance if this is the right one for you.
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RE: Need some advice from both Men and Women - 7/7/2008 9:21:09 PM
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jdurham
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Thanks again for the replys. To answer a few more questions.
When I stepped in she stepped back. We spoke today after a long night last night about wether we should continue. She said that she agreed with everything that was said but that he provoked me to anger and I should not have delivered what I said to him the way i did. I tend to agree but I did not apologize for anything that i said to him. We are both in agreement that he will casue problems. I do not have any adverse issues with her regarding her son.
To the question of discpline...that may be in itself part of the problem. She has never really required her boys to do much in the way of chores other than picking up behind themselfs. I explained that she needed to set some basci chores for them and also set consequences for not doing these assigned chores. First time they don't do as they are suppose to, no fussing or fighting, just enact the punishment and move on.
She has custody of both boys. Her ex is a bum and has not paid one cent toward support. He just had a stoke and now she can't go after him for back support.
In an earlier post physical confrontation was mentioned. i am chosing my words carefully when i do speak to him. Not that I am the least afraid of him but I beleive that once that line has been crossed things will never be the same. So I try to avoid that.
Its like he can't see the cause and effect. He can't see that his actions place him in situations that he doesn't like, for example boarding school. Its almost as if Christ needs to remove the scales from his eyes I then beleive he would be an entirely diffrent person. Even through his "issues" he does have a tender side(but somtimes he uses that as manipulation, and finally his Mom recognizes that).
We both agreed today to continue to seek out local counseling. I really need another christian perspective on this. I am sure that there is a angle or position that I am not seeing. Still trying to decifer what is flesh and what is Spirit.
Thanks again for the comments and prayers. If anyone knows a counseler in the Baton Rouge area please let me know
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RE: Need some advice from both Men and Women - 7/7/2008 9:39:09 PM
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csl7037
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quote:
ORIGINAL: jdurham
Its like he can't see the cause and effect. He can't see that his actions place him in situations that he doesn't like, for example boarding school. Its almost as if Christ needs to remove the scales from his eyes I then beleive he would be an entirely diffrent person.
Honestly, I think time/age will remove those "scales". You can't really expect a 16 year old to act like a rational human being - they're not rational human beings! And whatever the mom has done wrong or right, the fact remains that he's a boy who's parents divorced - add confusion and other emotions to normal 16 year old insanity there...and his dad just had a stroke - lots to comprehend for a brain that's not fully formed yet. If the mom sets clear boundaries and doesn't let them be crossed, remains on his side but still resolute, he'll grow to be a wonderful young man, I'm sure. But adding a stepfather into the mix while he's still at home just sounds like more than this kid can handle. He will grow up. Some kids grow up easier than others. You're just in a situation where you'd not be doing yourself, him, your gf/fiancee, or either of your other kids any favors to make things more complicated for him at this point. IMO, patience is in order.
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RE: Need some advice from both Men and Women - 7/8/2008 9:51:17 AM
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Szaftoo
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From: So. Calif.
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quote:
ORIGINAL: csl7037
quote:
ORIGINAL: jdurham
Its like he can't see the cause and effect. He can't see that his actions place him in situations that he doesn't like, for example boarding school. Its almost as if Christ needs to remove the scales from his eyes I then beleive he would be an entirely diffrent person.
Honestly, I think time/age will remove those "scales". You can't really expect a 16 year old to act like a rational human being - they're not rational human beings! And whatever the mom has done wrong or right, the fact remains that he's a boy who's parents divorced - add confusion and other emotions to normal 16 year old insanity there...and his dad just had a stroke - lots to comprehend for a brain that's not fully formed yet. If the mom sets clear boundaries and doesn't let them be crossed, remains on his side but still resolute, he'll grow to be a wonderful young man, I'm sure. But adding a stepfather into the mix while he's still at home just sounds like more than this kid can handle. He will grow up. Some kids grow up easier than others. You're just in a situation where you'd not be doing yourself, him, your gf/fiancee, or either of your other kids any favors to make things more complicated for him at this point. IMO, patience is in order.
His issues more than likely come from being a part of a broken family, not from being 16 and simply being patient will not help. The family needs to be very proactive in getting this young boy the help he needs in dealing with his anger, this won't go away by itself.
To the OP, I would also recommend waiting to get married. This young boy will take a lot of time and energy away from the other family and that's not healthy. They may seem OK with it that doesn't make it fair.
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RE: Need some advice from both Men and Women - 7/8/2008 9:57:42 AM
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MC4JC
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Take it slow and don't make any immediate plans for marriage. A lot of divorced parents (I'm one) tend to give too much to the kids or not require them to do things cause they feel bad for the breakup and want to "make up" for the absent parent - we all have done it at times. Not that its the right thing to do, but it happens.
At 16 and hasn't been raised to accept responsiblity, the changes now will be met with a lot of resistance cause he knows what he can and can't get away with where his mom is concerned.
So I would continue just dating her and letting the boy get to know you better - maybe in time he will come around to his senses.
I know when we first got together a lot of changes had to be made and my husband's boys resented a lot of things. They didn't like me for a long time cause we layed down rules that should have been layed down earlier and to them I was the cause of these changes. They didn't know that my husband and I had discussed these changes away from the boys and only when we agreed on them, did the boys have a "family meeting".
Hopefully things will work out for you all in a few years.
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RE: Need some advice from both Men and Women - 7/8/2008 2:55:28 PM
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jaimestarcross
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Rules and corrections should have been in place from day one - since things were not done that way - it usually isn't long before one or both sons starts to flex their wings and try to usurp authority.
The boys need a good father figure in their lives!
Do you feel you are the man to be a good father figure for her sons?
*If you two are planning on getting married - is she willing to listen and allow you to have authority in the home? Have rules/correction measures been discussed and are being put in place prior to marriage? Can you two problem solve as a unit?
This is really key to getting the home on firm foundation.
You and their mom need to be on the same page - if this isn't the case, then don't
get married.
*There's no guarantee that waiting until the 16 yr. old is 18 - will mean he'll leave home... chances are more likely he'll be living with his mom long pass the time he's 18. Since they have an established relationship/history of fussing/spats and one of them giving in --- I usually find moms will back down or compromise to bring peace in the home... each time she compromises or backs down she loses a little more authority and respect she is due as a parent.
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RE: Need some advice from both Men and Women - 7/8/2008 3:40:06 PM
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allisonbrett
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If you are walking on eggshells around this boy and even with his mom then it seems like a bad idea to pursue a marriage. Many suggested you wait until he is 18 but let's be honest, turning 18 isn't the magic time where we move away and are totally independent. He may not go off to college or join the military but choose to work and live at home until he can make his own way in the world. When you marry you are essentially marrying the whole family and that does include his and her children, parents and even on some ocassions, ex-spouses. This is especially true when you attempt to blend a family.
There are some excellent Christian books on blending families and even a website or two. It's not impossible but it can be done and done well. You are wise to begin questioning the idea of marriage with one so uncooperative. In most cases the biological parent should do the discipline and rule setting and if the boy isn't listening to mom then doubtful he'll listen to you. You may want to talk to a Christian family counselor for tips but aside from that, you're situation doesn't look promising that your marriage will be a happy one while this young man is living at home.
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RE: Need some advice from both Men and Women - 7/8/2008 4:57:55 PM
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jdurham
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Thanks for the replys. To answer a few questions and bring upa few more questions:
Do I feel like I could be a father to this kid? I know that I can but I must fight my flesh in repsonding to him. I have to ask my self what would Christ do?
She and I both are on the same page as the issues that he may and/or will cause. She has no problems wih me discplining either of her 2 boys. The youngest is actually welcoming some boundrys that have already been established. Its is a blessing that we are on the same page.
Regardign problem solving, we are both good at addressing issues head on and not letting anything get past us with dealing with them. One lesson we both have learned from our past marriage.
I had her read this thread yesterday. She said 2 things and one of those things we discussed last night. One-how can I throw my son out at 18? and Two-I don't think I can wait 2 years before we marry. We discussed the second question last night.
I do agree with one repsose that there is no guarantee that this boy will turn into a productive, repsonsible citizen at 18. If for no other reason his lack of maturity. What external factors help in maturing a boy?
Thanks for the honest response....
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RE: Need some advice from both Men and Women - 7/8/2008 5:31:01 PM
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MC4JC
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Ok any chance of taking this boy aside and having a heart to heart man talk for what might be the future? Get his point of view of things - what he expects to happen, what you expect to happen.
Many times we expect certain things to happen or be done and no feedback from the other? Is the boy willing to go to church? Understand that he's probably hurting more inside then he will admit and "hate" you for being the father figure. Maybe have a good long talk without any input with his mother and other kids around. Maybe he will open up to you.
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RE: Need some advice from both Men and Women - 7/8/2008 8:14:37 PM
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jdurham
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Yes I have thought about that and plan on doing so. He told his Mom that I hate him and don't want him around, which is not true. I am praying about this already.
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RE: Need some advice from both Men and Women - 7/10/2008 10:19:21 AM
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car2ner
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Saying that you hate him is manipulation. It has nothing to do with the truth. He has no clue your feelings and you already know that. He'll try all kinds of things to keep his percieved power in the house. If you feel that you should move forward to becoming a commited part of this family, then be that loving brick wall. After awhile it feels so good to stop banging your head against a brick wall.
There is no magic at 18 other than this: if he feels so "grown up" then he can move out! A taste of real life may adjust his games a bit. Our youngest son went through a period of arrogance and thinking he knew everything and some serious game playing. Thank goodness there was no drug use, stealing, pregnancy, etc. It was mostly trying to find out which end is up. He is now in his own place with his brother and I think a little real life experience will be good. Did you go through a period like this when you were a youngster? Not so much mean and bossy but wondering where you fit in?
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RE: Need some advice from both Men and Women - 7/10/2008 11:22:50 AM
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laura...
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I believe that you and your fiance could marry in October even with these challenges and have a very happy marriage. Let's look at some strengths and challenges as posted so far.
Strengths:
* You are both committed Christians
* You love her boys
* She loves your boys
* The boys all get along
* All the boys are in agreement with you two marrying
* You and your fiance communicate well with each other
* You and your fiance agree on discipline and boundaries
* You have been dating for two years
* You both are good at problem solving
* You PRAY for self-control and direction
Challenges:
* The 16 year old son is pushing his boundaries and can be very oppositional
* You have difficulty dealing with the way the 16yo responds to his mother's discipline
* You don't know if you can live with the 16yo
* You don't know when to step in and when to stay out of the discipline arena
All of the "challenges" can be answered with good counseling and some blended-family education.
Now for my suggestions:
* Continue to dialogue with your fiance about boundaries and discipline roles. I strongly suggest that you set a boundary that neither of you will actively discipline the other's sons except under specific situations. A specific situation that would require either of you to step in would be a perceived threat of physical violence. I know that it can be very difficult to ignore her 16yo hollering in her face. However, as a single parent she would have to deal with that if you were not in the picture at all. She still needs to deal with that as his mother without you stepping in. It would just be good to have him be cognizant of the fact that if he displays any threat of violence that you will step in to protect your wife.
* Start counseling and/or parenting education class immediately. Learn how to diffuse volital situations rather than escalate them. The more parenting skills the both of you have the more confident you will be and the more able you will be to stay in control of yourselves.
* Remember that he is 16 years old. He will very likely grow out of much of this behavior over the next couple of years given good boundaries and self control on your and his mother's part.
* Talk to him and assure him that you do like him, that you do want him around and that you do want all of you to blend as a family unit. I'm guessing that a big issue for him is that he feels that he's in boarding school because you don't want him around. Try to assure him that the decision for him to go to boarding school was for his benefit and not just to get rid of him.
* Try planning activities with just you and him like golfing, bowling, sporting events, car repair, construction, community service projects. Again, he's 16yo. He needs to be mentored as a young man soon to be an adult.
* Does he have a job? If not, help him get one to help him on the road to independence and adult responsibilities.
* Be involved in his college planning.
_____________________________
This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’ Jer 6:16
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RE: Need some advice from both Men and Women - 7/10/2008 2:53:13 PM
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mabel
Posts: 181
Joined: 4/11/2005
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quote:
ORIGINAL: laura...
I believe that you and your fiance could marry in October even with these challenges and have a very happy marriage. Let's look at some strengths and challenges as posted so far.
Strengths:
* You are both committed Christians
* You love her boys
* She loves your boys
* The boys all get along
* All the boys are in agreement with you two marrying
* You and your fiance communicate well with each other
* You and your fiance agree on discipline and boundaries
* You have been dating for two years
* You both are good at problem solving
* You PRAY for self-control and direction
Challenges:
* The 16 year old son is pushing his boundaries and can be very oppositional
* You have difficulty dealing with the way the 16yo responds to his mother's discipline
* You don't know if you can live with the 16yo
* You don't know when to step in and when to stay out of the discipline arena
All of the "challenges" can be answered with good counseling and some blended-family education.
Now for my suggestions:
* Continue to dialogue with your fiance about boundaries and discipline roles. I strongly suggest that you set a boundary that neither of you will actively discipline the other's sons except under specific situations. A specific situation that would require either of you to step in would be a perceived threat of physical violence. I know that it can be very difficult to ignore her 16yo hollering in her face. However, as a single parent she would have to deal with that if you were not in the picture at all. She still needs to deal with that as his mother without you stepping in. It would just be good to have him be cognizant of the fact that if he displays any threat of violence that you will step in to protect your wife.
* Start counseling and/or parenting education class immediately. Learn how to diffuse volital situations rather than escalate them. The more parenting skills the both of you have the more confident you will be and the more able you will be to stay in control of yourselves.
* Remember that he is 16 years old. He will very likely grow out of much of this behavior over the next couple of years given good boundaries and self control on your and his mother's part.
* Talk to him and assure him that you do like him, that you do want him around and that you do want all of you to blend as a family unit. I'm guessing that a big issue for him is that he feels that he's in boarding school because you don't want him around. Try to assure him that the decision for him to go to boarding school was for his benefit and not just to get rid of him.
* Try planning activities with just you and him like golfing, bowling, sporting events, car repair, construction, community service projects. Again, he's 16yo. He needs to be mentored as a young man soon to be an adult.
* Does he have a job? If not, help him get one to help him on the road to independence and adult responsibilities.
* Be involved in his college planning.
Wise words Laura!
I recently married a man who's 15 yr old daugher has been challenging much like what you are experiencing Jdurham. Just being honest, I had similar thoughts on certain days as far as wondering if I should marry under those circumstances.
Well we've been married for 5 months now. I can't tell you that some days aren't a challenge. But my hope is to encourage. If you are on the same page as far as discipline and can communicate with each other you are on the right path. We have many challenges for beginning a new life together, but I so thankful every day because my husband and I have a solid relationship and we are on this journey together. I wouldn't have it any other way!
I've found that what has helped for us is for the daughter to see that we (I as the "outsider") have healthy boundaries in place and we are consistant and loving. She knows that we/I will follow through with consequences if she is not respectful. We try to encourage and affirm. We firmly believe kids need to take responsibility for their actions. I've made it an effort to not swoop in and be her "mother". (Even though her mother doesn't "parent" and there are few if any positves in that relationship.) I've given her time to get to know me and establish trust. I treat her kindly and respectfully. She seems to respond a great deal to that. And I can expect the same from her as long as I am doing the same.
We work together and discuss disciplines when necessary. Because our ideas about parenting agree, I know he will back me if it is necessary for me to handle an issue.
We have been working with a counselor, with and without the daughter. The daughter is also in counseling for herself. There are issues with her mother that can be very challenging!
I've known this girl for nearly 2 years and I've seen her grow and change, from ruling and reigning and attempting to control and make the rest of the family miserable, to being much more polite, content and cooperative, and I've no doubt it's come from love, patience, and setting boundaries (and of course following through). My husband really didn't know how to do some of these things such as setting boundaries, etc. We've learned and worked on them together. So, even if a child hasn't experienced some of this, with consistency they can change and I do think our 15 yr old really appreciates having those boundaries, though I'm sure she couldn't identify it nor would she confess it! LOL!
Another positve for her is that she is witnessing our relationship. She sees our love and respect for one another, unity and cooperation. She was adopted and has abandonment issues. She is seeing that we are not leaving each other or her and that we have not given up on her.
I started praying for her and asked God to show me truths about who she is......as in how He lovingly created her. He has been so faithful in leading me to speak those truths to her. I try to focus on the treasure that she is, not some of the behaviors that can be ugly at times. God is so very good!
I'm sure it's not always positive for families who are trying to blend. It can be hard. I really just encourage you to seek the Lord first in this. Pray with each other. LOTS!!! 
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RE: Need some advice from both Men and Women - 7/10/2008 5:51:02 PM
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jdurham
Posts: 12
Joined: 7/7/2008
Status: offline
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Thanks for the past 2 replys. I have been praying that the Lord change me in my attitude toward this boy and see him as the Lord would have me see.
I do have a question for you Mabel. A I said earlier we are in unison on the issue of discpline. We also will establish house rules. These rules will be enforced regardles of who breaks them , regardless how long they are with us or with their other parent. When they come into our home they will all be required to adhere. But...I am hearing a lot about the biological parent does the discplining only on their own children. How do feel about that and how does it work in your home? Any you are correct, prayer has now become more of a necessity than ever before.
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RE: Need some advice from both Men and Women - 7/10/2008 6:01:47 PM
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shadowspring
Posts: 1595
Joined: 5/27/2006
Status: offline
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quote:
Saying that you hate him is manipulation. It has nothing to do with the truth. He has no clue your feelings and you already know that.
I do NOT agree with this! If the boy has already been sent off to boarding school, I am sure he feels rejected! I remember what that feels like, as a teen, even though I never went to boarding school. It stinks! Plus the poster has no personal knowledge of this young man, only the little we have read here. It sounds very cynical and unkind, not at all fair.
I love Laura's advice. Sounds like she's been there and knows how to make this work.
quote:
Remember that he is 16 years old. He will very likely grow out of much of this behavior over the next couple of years given good boundaries and self control on your and his mother's part.
* Talk to him and assure him that you do like him, that you do want him around and that you do want all of you to blend as a family unit. I'm guessing that a big issue for him is that he feels that he's in boarding school because you don't want him around. Try to assure him that the decision for him to go to boarding school was for his benefit and not just to get rid of him.
* Try planning activities with just you and him like golfing, bowling, sporting events, car repair, construction, community service projects. Again, he's 16yo. He needs to be mentored as a young man soon to be an adult.
And mabel's too, esp this:
quote:
I treat her kindly and respectfully. She seems to respond a great deal to that. And I can expect the same from her as long as I am doing the same.
Love is always the more excellent way. Maybe you could think of activities this 16 yr old would enjoy doing with you, and you could take him out on a man-to-almost-man outing. Even better if this could turn into a regular event. Do it before he does something else to make you or his mom upset. Build a relationship in the positive, so you'll have a position of love and respect to work from when discipline needs to happen.
Love is always the more excellent way.
_____________________________
 "All that is gold does not glitter, not all those who wander are lost..." -J. R. R. Tolkien
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RE: Need some advice from both Men and Women - 7/10/2008 7:19:39 PM
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YZGUY
Posts: 263
Joined: 3/9/2008
Status: offline
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quote:
But...I am hearing a lot about the biological parent does the discplining only on their own children. How do feel about that and how does it work in your home? Any you are correct, prayer has now become more of a necessity than ever before.
Typically, that is recommended by most counselors, allowing for more discipline to be used with younger children as long as there is a relationship with them. The step then becomes more of a "babysitter disciplinarian" - being in charge when mom is not home or around. This is ideal, if the bio-parent is a good disciplinarian and the spouse is there for support. But to do this all the time is rather difficult (esp. if your step-son is yelling at your wife).
The eldest won't see you as a disciplinarian, becuase he does not have that kind of relationship with you, so he will not comply - but it is necessary, at times, to step in to protect the woman you love.
That is great that you are going to be seeing a counselor. You and your wife must, must, must be a team together. Check out www.aacc.net, www.christiancounseling.com, the local yellow pages, or www.findchristiancounselor.com for Christian Counselors. You might also want to check out www.successfulstepfamilies.com for more help on making successful stepfamilies.
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