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Patriarchal Dysfunctional Families - 8/29/2008 7:22:12 PM
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crankius
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(This article is from the Pearls at No Greater Joy Ministries. The Pearls have their own issues  , so please do not make this thread about the Pearls.)
Cloistered Homeschool Syndrome
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Briefly, it is the failure of the parents to understand, appreciate, and respect the individuality of their adult children. They sacrifice the individual identities of their children on the altar of their own emotional needs, making them nurse when they should be killing and dressing their own food, making them obey when they should be learning to command. They seem to think that grown children are God’s gift to them rather than their gift to God. Through letters and personal contact, we see more and more of this cult-like isolationism, parents demanding absolute allegiance to the family group, and fearing outside contact might break up their “fellowship.” Adult kids who want to launch out on their own are told that they are rebellious and disloyal and are causing grief to those who have nurtured them. Emotionally needy parents manipulate their grown children into remaining loyal to the unit. Thirty-year-old daughters sit at home acting as surrogate mothers, watching their prospects to ever be a mother dwindle.
More about Patriarchal Dysfunctional Families:
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It is now become a disease of epic proportions. We call them PDFs, Patriarchal Dysfunctional Families. The children are treated as permanent property of the parents. If they don’t marry, and many of them never have the opportunity, they remain at home as a sort of indentured servant, never rising to the status of an adult, always under authority of the head of the clan, the Patriarch Daddy. Don’t snicker. A lot of kids are hurting. And if you want to see something scary, try to conduct a betrothal with two patriarchal mothers involved. It is uggggly.
Daughter sits at home serving the younger children and doing Mama’s chores—waiting for God’s choice. Daddy and Mama hold their merchandise guardedly, waiting for a buyer who never comes.
What the Pearls think about this:
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What is pitiful is the whole process is done in hopes of getting the perfect will of God, but one vital ingredient is missing—encouraging your children to become responsible, autonomous, well educated, and experienced adults as soon as possible. You should have trained your sons to be men by the time they are fifteen, independent by the time they are eighteen. Your daughters should be capable of living apart from the family by the time they are eighteen and should be allowed to make their own life’s decisions somewhere between the ages of eighteen and twenty.
Just to clarify why this is in the parenting folder: this can't be placed in the homeschool support folder, because this might produce a less than supportive discussion  . I also don't think this topic should be discussed only by homeschooling families.
Perhaps this article brings up issues that are true in many types of families.
Discuss the topic of Cloistered Homeschool Syndrome and Patriarchal Dysfunctional Families, and the parenting issues brought up in the article.
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RE: Patriarchal Dysfunctional Families - 8/29/2008 7:32:37 PM
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bluestone
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Totally true. It is increasing, Particularly with daughters. They are not allowed to be in the church youth group, because it is ungodly and full of boys. They can't date, and some don't seem to be able to carry on a conversation with the opposite sex without freaking out a bit. They grow older, raise the rest of the brothers and sisters, and wind up with life passing them by.
No college, no friends they see outside of their parents guardian eyes. They have to dress and wear their hair as the parents wish. many times no makeup. These adult women have every decision made for them, and they never learn how to function as independent adults.
The the parents die, and these offspring are at a total loss, and at the mercy of others.
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RE: Patriarchal Dysfunctional Families - 8/29/2008 7:40:56 PM
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Sideways
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Most of my knowledge of these types of families come from a website called Courtship Stories. These are written by the involved family members, so it's all first hand. Most of the stories are innocent and sweet, and more then a few are really cringe-worthy, especially when it comes to the insane level of control exerted over adult daughters.
One adult daughter was not allowed to say the "love" word to her finance until her father gave her express permission. One adult daughter had her courtship repeatedly broken and restarted by her father over minor doctrinal differences with the young man. One adult daughter was punished for "developing feelings for a boy without her father's permission". Now, she never actually kissed him or did anything of that nature; she just fell for him without permission, and as a punishment she was forbidden to see or talk to him for one year.
Freaky.
LINK
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This warranty does not include shark bites, bear attacks and children under five.
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RE: Patriarchal Dysfunctional Families - 8/29/2008 7:45:24 PM
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CoeurdeLeon
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That is really strange and sorta frightening.
Guilt is a sharp manipulative tool and girls are especially susceptible to it.
_____________________________
This morning I was awakened by the sound of purple
colliding with the fragrance of laughter.
Eutychus
10.13.08
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RE: Patriarchal Dysfunctional Families - 8/29/2008 8:06:10 PM
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bluestone
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I don't think it is a homeschooling issue necessarily. Maybe controllers are more likely to home school. We had a kid at my old church who was sent to a very strict private school, but was not allowed to leave the house unless she was with Mom, and could not talk on the phone or participate in youth group.
She is in her 30's and still at home. Not allowed to wear makeup, etc.
_____________________________
I need Christ. Not something that resembles Christ.
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RE: Patriarchal Dysfunctional Families - 8/29/2008 8:14:01 PM
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bluestone
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I think the daughter just gave up. They have her heeled like a dog. Their other two kids got out early in life, and the parents disowned them.
It is a parenting and a control issue. I think some parents are so afraid their kids will mess up, they never give them a chance to try. That can be riding a bike, or finding a mate.
_____________________________
I need Christ. Not something that resembles Christ.
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RE: Patriarchal Dysfunctional Families - 8/30/2008 10:57:45 AM
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bluestone
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I really want to state again that I don't think this is necessarily an issue just with home schoolers. I think that people that are this type of fundi- time warp -control freak are more likely to home school, (keep the wife and kids home and busy) but it is not indicative of home schoolers in general.
Sort of like murderers are likely to use guns, but it is not true of all gun owners. KWIM?
I find the whole courting thing a bit creepy. A good way to marry a stranger who has habits/issues/problems you don't find out about until after the wedding is to only be around him in front of your parents where he is sure to put up an act.
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RE: Patriarchal Dysfunctional Families - 8/30/2008 11:12:30 AM
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phosadaud
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All I can say is that as a 33 year old single woman, this makes me want to thank Jesus every single day that I was raised by parents who believed their duty as parents was to raise children who would become adults who could take care of themselves and follow Jesus of their own free-will not simply out of compulsion or force.
Wow.
_____________________________
~Kristin~
Resume Quotations: "Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word 'paranoia.' I prefer to elaborate privately."
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RE: Patriarchal Dysfunctional Families - 8/30/2008 11:35:58 AM
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shadowspring
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quote:
ORIGINAL: bluestone
I really want to state again that I don't think this is necessarily an issue just with home schoolers. I think that people that are this type of fundi- time warp -control freak are more likely to home school, (keep the wife and kids home and busy) but it is not indicative of home schoolers in general.
Sort of like murderers are likely to use guns, but it is not true of all gun owners. KWIM?
I find the whole courting thing a bit creepy. A good way to marry a stranger who has habits/issues/problems you don't find out about until after the wedding is to only be around him in front of your parents where he is sure to put up an act.
Thanks for that admission, bluestone. 
I do not think it can even be said that most homeschoolers are Christian anymore, so the issue here is not home schooling per se but patriarchical control freaks who use home schooling to further their selfish agenda. 
These types of home schooling families often do not participate with other home schooling families, as we are not "Christian" enough. It is very sad. The more they isolate themselves, the stranger they become, as there is no social mirror with which to check for the "spinach on their teeth", kwim?
They are, however, a living object lesson for this home school family. I have a very low social needs daughter who is very bright. She sometimes has to force herself to socialize with others, as she simply does not feel the need for people that *I* ( and most others) have.
I point out these strange and disordered families as a negative example of what can happen if you isolate yourself. Isolation is dangerously foolish.
When you are isolated, there is no one to check your faulty logic. You will take your self and your thoughts too seriously, as there is no sounding board to help you adapt and hone your values to better conform to the love and Word of God, not just in theory but in practice. Instead of humility you will develop self-righteousness, as you will always be right in your own eyes, and no one else is allowed to "look".
When you are isolated, there is no one to tell you that you have spinach in your teeth.
Aside from the isolationist home school families that are the subject of this thread, we also use the isolated genius Bobby Fisher as an extreme example of the horrifying result of the isolating yourself from others. And Ted Kazcinski. Scary stuff.
*Our daughter is a freshman at a local private secular university and living on campus, fyi.
_____________________________
"Blessed is the man...whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law meditates day and night. He will be like a tree planted by rivers of water..." from Psalm 1
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RE: Patriarchal Dysfunctional Families - 8/30/2008 11:47:59 AM
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Sideways
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I did find it somewhat interesting that, while the author of the article was speaking out against, super-controlling Patriarchy, he himself was showing a degree of control that would've been quite scary to me.
For example he gave permission to an adult daughter to go on a mission trip. Since when does any adult need permission from her father to do mission work?
In the opening paragraphs, he talks to a family with a 19 year old daughter and asks them why they are marrying her now? Since when is it the parent's decision when an adult should marry?
Of course the answer was that she was "of prime marrying age" ... at 19 years old. And if she didn't find a husband before they left for Mozambique, why couldn't she stay behind in America - because she's female, I assume.
Almost felt like I'd stepped back in time by 100 or 200 years (which for me, as a woman would not be preferable).
_____________________________
This warranty does not include shark bites, bear attacks and children under five.
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RE: Patriarchal Dysfunctional Families - 8/30/2008 12:04:00 PM
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shadowspring
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quote:
ORIGINAL: phosadaud
quote:
ORIGINAL: shadowspring
I do not think it can even be said that most homeschoolers are Christian anymore, so the issue here is not home schooling per se but patriarchal control freaks who use home schooling to further their selfish agenda.
Very true. There are many reasons folks homeschool and I think this kind of freakishness is the exception rather than the rule. However, if you believe this way, it would follow that you would NEVER send your kid to school where someone ELSE would have any influence or authority over your kids.
Except for the freakish Phelps clan in Kansas. He sent his kids to public school as a way to shame and control them by making sure they stood out as "his" freaks.
For those who don't know, the Westboro Baptist Church is nothing more than a patriarchal control freak cult, the "church" consisting of Frank Phelps and his children and those he allowed his children to marry - minus the few who managed to escape the family as adults. 
These are the people protesting with hate messages at the funerals of American soldiers.
quote:
I had a dear friend from college who grew up in a family like this. Fortunately, she got out (which is why she was in college ), but it was a very, very difficult road for her. I was one of her very first friends and really tried to help her. She literally didn't even know how to make friends. It was heartbreaking. She had a very rough road, but the last I heard, she is doing very well and following the Lord.
Yay! Glad to hear that she is doing well.
_____________________________
"Blessed is the man...whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law meditates day and night. He will be like a tree planted by rivers of water..." from Psalm 1
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RE: Patriarchal Dysfunctional Families - 8/30/2008 12:13:28 PM
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timf
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Isolation is dangerously foolish.
Isolation from God, isolation from a corrupt world, isolation from worldly Christians, or isolation from real Christians?
The idea that only a social peer group can insure stability is at the core of all forms of collectivism from cults to the communist party. Before we go too far espousing the utility of these ideas, we should first to see if they are Biblical.
Is the problem men, or men that are not being led by the Spirit of God?
Is the problem isolation from denomination control, or setting up alternative mini denomination in the home?
Is the problem control or the use of control as a substitute for the Spirit?
If real Christian life is extinguished by a church through denominational regulation and control, some men think that if they set up a control system that is "right", they will protect their families. The Pharisees would not have been on the right track if they just found the "right" set of rules.
Raising children is not largely about the right control system or technique. It is about showing your children how to grow into the image of Christ and be led by His Spirit. If parents try to control their children (even as adults) it is just as sad as denominations trying to control their members with correct rules. Christianity is supposed to be about Christ. When we lose sight of this, nothing else happens.
Don't rebuke a brother for isolation, encourage him to surrender to Jesus and be led by the Spirit.
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RE: Patriarchal Dysfunctional Families - 8/30/2008 12:20:06 PM
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bluestone
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The problem is a bunch of nuts using home school as an excuse to boost their egos by controlling women and children.
They make the majority of home schoolers look bad, and raise kids that can't function in society. Their wives become mindless robotic servants.
Sort of like the Stepford wives, ala 19th century.
_____________________________
I need Christ. Not something that resembles Christ.
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RE: Patriarchal Dysfunctional Families - 8/30/2008 3:39:35 PM
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landabee
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quote:
Isolation as a way of life IS an unhealthy thing. I have no idea what the existence of denominations has to do with isolation though.
I think it was a platform for the support of home churching in addition to other types of behavior that may or may NOT be attributed to patriarchal dysfunctional families.
However, as clearly stated by many.........homeschoolers may or MAY NOT be families suffering patriarchal dysfunction.
And if we can go by those few posters that have volunteered that their homes are organized in the patriarchal model: those that suffer this dysfunction are less than perhaps theorized.
I pray that they are correct.
In my life, I can point to families that I suspect have this sort of dysfunction occurring. I pray for them.
What is common is that those families experiencing this type of dysfunction often homeschool and home church as a further manifestation of the dysfunction.
To be clear, again: families that home school and/or home church are not automatically those that have this dynamic of patriarchal dysfunction occuring.
_____________________________
"Sound theology discourages ignorance instead of promoting it." ~ CourdeLeon
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RE: Patriarchal Dysfunctional Families - 8/30/2008 3:54:20 PM
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deermousie
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quote:
ORIGINAL: 3cappuccinosmom
There is certainly dysfunction in the Patriarchal movement. There will be in any other social and family structure man can think up, whether it's rabidly conservative or rabidly liberal.
I agree with you, 3Capp. There is certainly dysfunction in the Patriarchal movement because it involves sinful human beings. And we're all sinners. Bummer.
Parenthood is about sacrificial giving so children can grow up to be godly and competent adults. The father is to provide for his family and rear them in the reverential awe and admonition (training by words) of the Lord. He is not supposed to make them into his permanent household servants or "yes" men. That is selfish and perverts God's plan.
I honestly can say I was not a great parent - I have too many flaws and too many areas that I'm ignorant in. But my teen daughter is in college, knows how to run a house and work hard in classes, balance a social life and a checkbook, and told a guy who'd asked her out, "Sorry, I don't have time for men in my life right now." And meant it. She says she wants her bachelor's degree and a bachelor. May God make it so! And all praise belongs to God because this godly young woman sure didn't learn all this from me. I am so grateful to my heavenly Father. Thank You, Lord!
She has her next 5 years planned out, God willing, and none of it involves her parents. She is flying and we are letting her go. Hard hard hard. But that's what we raised her for. May God bless her and use her for His glory.
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RE: Patriarchal Dysfunctional Families - 8/30/2008 3:56:56 PM
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bluestone
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I believe that the patriarchal model is used by abusers. If you wife and children are kept under close scrutiny, no contact with others....an abusive man could certainly have his way with small chance of being caught.
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I need Christ. Not something that resembles Christ.
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RE: Patriarchal Dysfunctional Families - 8/30/2008 4:37:02 PM
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Consecrated2God
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I haven't personally met anyone like that, but I do agree they exist. I've read magazines about families that believe that way, and I think it's weird. I've seen some milder forms of control here and there, but nothing like what's described in the article.
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<--Plantation house in Louisiana
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RE: Patriarchal Dysfunctional Families - 8/30/2008 6:01:05 PM
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phosadaud
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quote:
ORIGINAL: bluestone
I believe that the patriarchal model is used by abusers. If you wife and children are kept under close scrutiny, no contact with others....an abusive man could certainly have his way with small chance of being caught.
I would argue that this particular model is abusive in and of itself.
_____________________________
~Kristin~
Resume Quotations: "Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word 'paranoia.' I prefer to elaborate privately."
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), but it was a very, very difficult road for her. I was one of her very first friends and really tried to help her. She literally didn't even know how to make friends. It was heartbreaking. She had a very rough road, but the last I heard, she is doing very well and following the Lord.
