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Peaceless - 8/19/2008 11:18:36 AM
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Technasma
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Joined: 6/12/2008
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Hello all, I have been perusing this forum for quite sometime and although many of the situations are similar to mine the advise for them seemed not to work to well. So, I am prompted to ask my family in Christ genuinely for an ear of understanding. I journey through my mind trying to find a place to begin this dilemma, but I don’t want to burden you with to many details. I’ll try to paraphrase the best I can.
I met my wife in 1999 and even though she was pretty shy we hit it off. She was witty and beautiful and she hung on to every word that was said. We courted for about two years and were married. I began to notice an interesting behavior in her a couple of months before the wedding but I demised it as stress of the wedding because we had to pay for it but her mother was trying to run it, but that’s another post.
Some time had pasted in our marriage when probably the most devastating thing I ever experienced happened. My wife is/was an artist and she was always saying that she wanted to pursue it further. I encouraged her. I bought her countless supplies. I gave her the space to do it… She did nothing. I guess my first mistake is asking her why he wasn’t working on her art. She said she wasn’t good enough. I said that was. This went back and forth for months then she said to me, “I just wish that you wouldn’t have faith in me.” Honestly, an overwhelming anger came over me. I didn’t know what to say or do, but to grant her request her wish. So when moments rose that I could encourage her, I kept silent.
Soon after that is when the double standards set in. I want you to have faith; I don’t want you to have faith in me. Every time that I would say anything she wasn’t listening to me. So I began having to repeat everything numerous times. When I would ask her for help with something she would walk away. If I was in time restraining situation she would dilly-dally and would be late, or that I wouldn’t get it done on time. If she were going to the store to pick something up for me she would call me what seemed every 10 minutes to verify what it was she was getting. I understand it if it was something complex but she would do that for simple things and never call when it was a complex item.
I know that I am not completely innocent in these matters. Through this degradation I have become very tired. I have stood against this flow so long that my health suffers. The fuse on my anger has become very short. I know that it is not me, but what I have become that I came to you my brother and sisters.
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RE: Peaceless - 8/19/2008 11:27:15 AM
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Jenny-Fair
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From: WA
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Sir, I think your wife is at the last, clinically depressed, and may have even more complex issues than that, and needs help, but you can't see past the end of your nose to help her because you are taking her problems as a personal insult!
_____________________________
Tony: Ziva, did you kill Houdini?
Ziva: It is possible. I do not remember all their names.
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RE: Peaceless - 8/19/2008 11:44:06 AM
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deermousie
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Joined: 9/26/2007
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I think Jenny-Fair has good advice for you. You guys have problems that run deeper than this - don't be discouraged because we all struggle with something, and God allows it to build us up and make us like Him (Rom. 8:28, 29, James 1, 1 Pet. 1 and more). God is sculpting you guys, so submit to His hand, and go get some good marriage counseling. Your pastor is your first help, and if he isn't up to it, go find a Christian counselor - secular counselors don't believe in the spiritual world because they are spiritually dead and can't help you. Life is a spiritual battle, so go find someone who can interpret what's going on and help you two back to good health. The principles you need you will find in the Bible, but it will take a mature and scholarly Christian probably to dig them out for you.
Get going, and may God bless you two. I am praying for you today.
_____________________________
Want to know where a certain word or phrase in the Bible is found? www.biblegateway.com Yay!
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RE: Peaceless - 8/19/2008 12:00:26 PM
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TorchHeart
Posts: 1497
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From: One of the coldest places on Earth
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First of all, don't necessarily just resort to a pastor or a Christian counsiler. Personally, I don't know if they're good fits in this situaion, as I agree with Jenny-Fair that your wife sounds like she's clinically depressed. This isn't to say that pastors aren't a good source of support or advice in many situations, but this one is out of their league in my book. And as for a counselor, ANY QUALIFIED counselor is a good choice, Christian or not. Don't limit yourself; look for someone who is educated, certified, and qualified to help you AND your wife discover what the problem is.
Getting down to the matter at hand, your wife does sound depressed, but I agree that it probably runs way deeper than that. She also sounds very confused as to what she wants to do with her life. May I ask how old she is? Is it possible that she's experiencing some kind of mid-life crisis?
quote:
ORIGINAL: Jenny-Fair
but you can't see past the end of your nose to help her because you are taking her problems as a personal insult!
I respectfully disagree here. Coming from a man's point of view, I would be feeling much the same way he is. Its not taking her problems as an insult, as feeling frustrated by her issues which he doesn't understand (and which she probably doesn't understand, either). Anything he tries to do to make her feel better or help her is met with opposition, and his wife seems to have little motivation or regard for his feelings at times.
< Message edited by TorchHeart -- 8/19/2008 3:32:18 PM >
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RE: Peaceless - 8/19/2008 12:04:55 PM
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karlie
Posts: 16952
Joined: 4/10/2005
From: Central California
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quote:
needs help, but you can't see past the end of your nose to help her
I don't see any reason to be so harsh. Not everyone realizes what the signs of depression and mental health issues are. It's very easy(and common) to take those behaviors personally until you realize there are deeper issues going on.
Technasma, I would definitely see if you can get your wife some help. I think there is much more going on than you may realize. If she is dealing with depression, or other mental health issues(which sounds very much like the case), she will need some help and intervention to get healthy. Withdrawing, forgetting simple things, lack of energy and moving very slow, etc...those are all signs of depression. I encourage you to get her some help as soon as possible and to be patient with her in the mean time. If it is depression, it won't be a quick or easy fix...it's usually something that takes some time to figure out how to treat properly since everyone varies in their response to treatment.
_____________________________
All I have needed, Thy hand hath provided...great is Thy faithfulness, Lord unto me.
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RE: Peaceless - 8/19/2008 12:09:08 PM
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Jenny-Fair
Posts: 6385
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From: WA
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quote:
It's very easy(and common) to take those behaviors personally until you realize there are deeper issues going on.
He said his wife called every 10 minutes while running an errand because she couldn't remember what she was doing, or how to do it. How can that be taken personally by accident? Clearly there is a problem, and clearly this man is too focused on himself to see it.
_____________________________
Tony: Ziva, did you kill Houdini?
Ziva: It is possible. I do not remember all their names.
My Blog
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RE: Peaceless - 8/19/2008 12:25:18 PM
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TorchHeart
Posts: 1497
Joined: 6/4/2008
From: One of the coldest places on Earth
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Jenny-Fair
He said his wife called every 10 minutes while running an errand because she couldn't remember what she was doing, or how to do it. How can that be taken personally by accident? Clearly there is a problem, and clearly this man is too focused on himself to see it.
I don't see how you come to that conclussion at all. I don't even see how that is being "taken personally" on his part.
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RE: Peaceless - 8/19/2008 12:31:40 PM
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Jenny-Fair
Posts: 6385
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: WA
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quote:
If she were going to the store to pick something up for me she would call me what seemed every 10 minutes to verify what it was she was getting. I understand it if it was something complex but she would do that for simple things and never call when it was a complex item.
I know that I am not completely innocent in these matters. Through this degradation I have become very tired. I have stood against this flow so long that my health suffers. The fuse on my anger has become very short.
Clearly he is taking it personally. He finds it degrading that his wife is confused. I pity the woman.
_____________________________
Tony: Ziva, did you kill Houdini?
Ziva: It is possible. I do not remember all their names.
My Blog
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RE: Peaceless - 8/19/2008 12:38:01 PM
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TorchHeart
Posts: 1497
Joined: 6/4/2008
From: One of the coldest places on Earth
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I don't think that's clear at all. You're reading too much into this. I think it sounds more like he's frustrated with his wife's actions and behavior, and frankly, who can blame him. After months of dealing with this, I think its easy for anyone's fuse to get short. Besides that, a spouce's mental health issues can be very trying on their partner as well, so I don't think his responses are self-centered or unexpected.
I pity them both.
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RE: Peaceless - 8/19/2008 2:13:26 PM
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Hislittleone
Posts: 625
Joined: 7/13/2007
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It does sound like she may be dealing with depression or some other psychological issue. It's very important that she be diagnosed by a professional if this is the case. I'd recommend a Christian psychiatrist as they are the most qualified to diagnose such things. She would probably greatly benefit from Christian counseling as would you. She would need it in order to learn how to deal/cope/treat her condition and you would need it in order to learn how to support her and also in how to better cope with having a loved one who has this condition. If she does not have any psychological issues then you would still both benefit from marriage counseling.
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