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RE: Give thanks...IN or FOR? - 11/10/2006 12:13:22 AM
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PrincessDonna
Posts: 10313
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Cow country, Upstate NY
Status: online
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I went looking at Walmart tonight for something particular, a special ornament to hang on our tree for Nessa. I didn't find anything that felt right. Even walked through the craft section looking for something I could paint or cross-stitch (never done it before, but I think I can figure it out). Nothing.  I almost started crying right in the middle of a very crowded Walmart.
I decided to look at AC Moore's when we are in "the city" tomorrow and see if they have what I am looking for. Not even sure how to describe it, but when I see it, I will know. If you would, would you all mind praying that I would find what I am looking for tomorrow so I can get busy with it? I just feel I need to do *something* with this grief besides cry about it. We were going to plant a tree earlier in the year, but didn't want to in case we end up not buying this house. I just need something that shows I didn't forget we would have had her by this Christmas.
I also wanted to mention...to those here that are having babies next month (you know who you are  )...that I am sooooooo very happy and excited for each and every one of you! Please don't think my own sadness means you need to hold back on your excitement one bit. I don't know if anyone would think that, but want to make sure you know that I am happy for you. Really and truly.  I can't wait to hear that you are holding your new little blessings, and I love you all.
_____________________________
<<-----------Brian + vacuum= sexy man!!
He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
~Psalm 91:4~
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RE: Give thanks...IN or FOR? - 11/17/2006 2:21:00 PM
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PrincessDonna
Posts: 10313
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Cow country, Upstate NY
Status: online
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Psalm 30
I will exalt you, O Lord,
for you lifted me out of the depths
and did not let my enemies gloat over me.
O Lord my God, I called to you for help
and you healed me.
O Lord, you brought me up from the grave;
you spared me from going down into the pit.
Sing to the Lord, you saints of his;
praise his holy name.
For his anger lasts only a moment,
but his favor lasts a lifetime;
weeping may remain for a night,
but rejoicing comes in the morning.
When I felt secure, I said,
"I will never be shaken."
O Lord, when you favored me,
you made my mountain stand firm;
but when you hid your face,
I was dismayed.
To you, O Lord, I called;
to the Lord I cried for mercy:
"What gain is there in my destruction,
in my going down into the pit?
Will the dust praise you?
Will it proclaim your faithfulness?
Hear, O Lord, and be merciful to me;
O Lord, be my help."
You turned my wailing into dancing;
you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy.
that my heart may sing to you and not be silent.
O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever.
_____________________________
<<-----------Brian + vacuum= sexy man!!
He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
~Psalm 91:4~
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RE: Give thanks...IN or FOR? - 11/21/2006 11:20:20 AM
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PrincessDonna
Posts: 10313
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Cow country, Upstate NY
Status: online
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We've had two car accidents in two days.
The first one...yesterday, Brian hit a patch of ice, lost control of his Ford Ranger, and flipped it into the water-filled ditch. Not a scrape or cut on him. A few sore spots, but so minor compared to what could have been! The truck is totalled and we only had liability on it...so...oh well. 
The second one...today, Brian hit a deer a couple miles from our house. This time with the van, which we have a payment on, so we also have collision and comprehensive. It's pretty busted up and not driveable (drivable? a hs mom should know that...LOL), but again, not a scrape or cut on him.
I must admit I had a much better attitude yesterday, when it could have been a fatal accident and wasn't. I'd sure like to see that bigger picture God can see right about now. 
Sometimes you just have to laugh. It keeps you from crying.
_____________________________
<<-----------Brian + vacuum= sexy man!!
He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
~Psalm 91:4~
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Truly Thankful - 11/26/2006 9:16:35 PM
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PrincessDonna
Posts: 10313
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Cow country, Upstate NY
Status: online
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This last week has been an interesting week. I'm hoping for a much more boring week this week.
But...in the midst of the chaos and worries on top of day to day stuff...God has shown Himself more than faithful. We had more than one offer to borrow a car from friends, and were never stranded without a vehcile or ride to where we needed to be. We now have a FREE loaner car from the dealership which is repairing our van. Our deductible is much less than we initially thought it was, which was a welcome surprise. My dad loaned us the money to buy another truck for Brian to put his motor from his wrecked truck in, and Brian thinks the motor that's in the new truck can be fixed for under $100 (we thought it was blown when we bought it!). This new truck is much nicer than the one he had, so in the end we will have gotten an "upgrade". Brian has more paying work than he can even do, and the ability to do his work well. And those are just the monetary/financial/tangible blessings!
The even bigger blessings...my husband is here, uninjured and in one piece. We have a new appreciation for how quickly this life can be over and a new determination to live each day as if it could be the last. For some reason, God spared my Brian, my love, my children's father. We have one more day to hold and love each other, to walk life's journey together. Every day is one more day and we are grateful for each day we are given.
In all of this, the grief I have been walking through over losing our baby has been put back in proportion. Not that it is gone, or that is is wrong to grieve, but how can I be angry at God for the few times He has answered my prayers with a "No, my child." when there are so many times He says, "Yes!" I know that I know that I know that God did not take my Nessa to harm me or my family. How much easier it is to trust God's hand on our lives when it is so apparent it is He who gives us life and breath every single day! I don't need to be inconsolably grieved for the things I can never understand. Instead, I am overwhelmed with gratitude for the many, many blessings God has poured out on my family and I.
_____________________________
<<-----------Brian + vacuum= sexy man!!
He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
~Psalm 91:4~
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In memory of Nessa Joy - 12/11/2006 9:09:33 AM
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PrincessDonna
Posts: 10313
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Cow country, Upstate NY
Status: online
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Today would have been Nessa's due date. In honor of that, I'm going to tell about her short life here on earth. I don't think I ever posted the whole story in one post.
We went through infertility for over two years before the pain started. In January 2004, the pain was so bad, I had to be taken out of work and watched the clock like a hawk to know when I could take my next dose of narcotics. In March 2004, I had surgery to remove a large painful mass on my ovary. One ovary also had to be removed because it was already dead from the trauma the mass had inflicted on it. The other ovary was a mess also, but the doctor was able to clean it up and sew it back together. My Hannah Faith was conceived shortly after that surgery. I took the pregnancy test on Father's Day 2004, and she was born February 21, 2005...not quite a year after my surgery. A miracle baby for sure.
I had been having familiar pain for several months before I went to my OB/GYN to get it checked out this. It was the end of March 2006 when I went in and my doctor did an ultrasound. Sure enough, just what I had feared...a large growth on the only ovary I had left. After discussing and praying about options, we decided another surgery was the way to go for me. The doctor would be able to see the ovary, hopefully clean the growth and endometriosis off of it, or...if it was already destroyed, he would remove it right then so I wouldn't need another surgery. If he had to remove the ovary, he was also going to remove my uterus as that is the only permanent cure for endometriosis.
I struggled with accepting that I may never bear another child, but there were no other options besides praying and having the surgery at this point. I went to all my pre-op appointments in April. The day after my blood work, my doctor's nurse called me and told me I would not be having surgery after all...because I was pregnant! That had been one of the options my doctor had brought up to help the cyst recede, but it was quickly followed with...but "that would be almost impossible with that degree of probable damage." We all know nothing is impossible with God though. This baby was a miracle, so we set about finding a name that reflected that. Nessa Joy was the name we settled on if the baby was a girl. Nessa means "miracle of God" in Hebrew, and together the names meant "joyous miracle of God".
I had two ultrasounds to check on the baby and the growth. The doctor did not think the growth would impact the pregnancy in anyway, but did think the pregnancy would be helpful in shrinking the growth. In both ultrasounds, the baby was doing great and we saw a strong, healthy heartbeat in the second ultrasound. Two weeks after that ultrasound, at my Great-Aunt's funeral, I noticed a tiny bit of blood. That made me nervous, but it wasn't much and surely God would not take such a wonderful miracle away from us! I went home, laid down, just in case, and prayed. Prayed for a fat, healthy baby to be born in December. When I woke up the next morning, May 1st, the bleeding had increased a little bit and I was starting to cramp. I called my doctor and they had me go in to the ER.
Brian was at work and could not make it home to go to the ER with me. Maria, a friend from church, went with me. What an encouragement she was, praying with me, talking with me, comforting me. I'm glad now that she was there rather than Brian (hope that doesn't sound awful). God knew what I needed at that time. I had an ultrasound at the hospital, which showed my Nessa had stopped growing a week before and there was no heartbeat. From that moment, I just wanted to go home and be with my husband as we lost our baby. I declined a D&C, wanting to allow my body to miscarry naturally and avoid more trauma to it. ER red tape went on for another hour or so before they let me leave. By that night, my minor cramps had turned into labor-like pains. We lost Nessa that night. Our miracle was gone.
to be continued...
_____________________________
<<-----------Brian + vacuum= sexy man!!
He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
~Psalm 91:4~
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2006...Lessons learned - 12/31/2006 5:28:14 PM
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PrincessDonna
Posts: 10313
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Cow country, Upstate NY
Status: online
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God's Healing
The year started out with some rocky road in my marriage...and I don't mean rocky road the ice cream.  Things were coming up from years in the past that needed to be dealt with, but deal with them we did. God has done more healing in our marriage this year than in the past four years combined! I am truly seeing the years the locusts have eaten returned to me and I cannot wait to see what God has for Brian and I in the new year!
God's Faithfulness and Goodness
When we lost Nessa, I never thought I would see any good in it. But I have. I have seen the goodness and the faithfulness of my God. I have seen that He is my Rock, even through some of the hardest storms of life. I have seen that even while I was still angry with God, He blessed me with another baby, with Hope. I have learned that God is sovereign and there are just some things we can never know. And I have learned to be okay with that. It's been a journey, and not a pretty one all the time, but I can now say that while I still grieve for my baby, I also rejoice that she is dancing before my Daddy in Heaven, perfect and whole, praising Him for all eternity!
God's Protection
When Brian had two car accidents in two days, either one of which could have killed him, the hand of God on my family was unmistakeable. I have learned I can trust God with my family, that none of them are going anywhere one second before HE says it's time. And when it's time, even if that time is too early for me, it will be my God that carries me through.
God's Provision
We could have had a huge financial loss from the two accidents. Could have. God has provided more than we ever could have asked for through our family in Christ. God and His people are amazing! It is through this we have also learned anew how important the body of Christ is. We are here to carry each other through hard times, to lift each other before the throne of grace AND to put actions to our words. We are blessed so that we may be a blessing!
God's Hope
And finally...God's hope for the future. Who knows what the year 2007 holds for my little family? God does and in Him we place our hope. Kind of fitting that our little girl (if the ultrasound was right) will be named Hope, don't you think? God has given us so very much to be thankful for and so much to hope for even when life's days are hard.
Many blessings to you all in the New Year!!!!!!!!
_____________________________
<<-----------Brian + vacuum= sexy man!!
He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
~Psalm 91:4~
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Blessed! - 1/16/2007 12:11:35 PM
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PrincessDonna
Posts: 10313
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Cow country, Upstate NY
Status: online
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Less than 4 weeks left to my due date...this has been, by far, the most physically painful pregnancy I have had. I whined to Brian the other day that I was so sick of being pregnant. He whined back that he was sick of me being pregnant too. Gee, thanks, dear. LOL
Amidst all the pain and discomfort though, I am so blessed. I am blessed to be carrying this little one. I am blessed to feel her wiggle and squirm. I am blessed to know that I will not be pregnant forever, that I will be holding her on the outside very soon.
I am especially blessed by how helpful Brian has been. He has taken over a lot of my household duties (namely...vacuuming, dishes, laundry, bathing Hannah), on top of a full time M-F job, a Saturday job, and helping several people with car and house repairs. Mostly without complaining. He's never been so busy in his life, yet he's also helped me more than he has in 8+ years of marriage, including when I was on bed rest with Noah.
I am blessed.
_____________________________
<<-----------Brian + vacuum= sexy man!!
He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
~Psalm 91:4~
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Journeys of Grief - 1/17/2007 1:22:26 PM
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PrincessDonna
Posts: 10313
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Cow country, Upstate NY
Status: online
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A good friend of mine has just gone through a miscarriage. I am surprised by how well she appears to be doing with it. She has said she is surprised too. Now, I'm glad she's not having an awful time like I had with mine, but I admit, I did have some unwelcome thoughts about my own journey of grief after seeing and talking to her.
Was it wrong for me to grieve so strongly and for so long (and I STILL don't feel like the book is closed on that )? Is it wrong for her to be able to just say it wasn't what she wanted, but she's okay? Does the way I grieve(d) show a huge lack of faith and trust on my part? Or does it just show a journey God needed to bring me through that my friend doesn't need right now?
I do have a peace in my spirit that the journey I have been on is something that God needed to take me through, for whatever reason. There has been a lot of pain and sorrow, but there has also been amazing growth and healing. I don't know if my friend will feel differently once a bit more time has passed, but I hope she knows that I am here for her if ever she needs to talk, cry, or pray together. Neither of us are weaker or stronger than the other. We're just on very individual journeys. And that's okay.
_____________________________
<<-----------Brian + vacuum= sexy man!!
He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
~Psalm 91:4~
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Thoughts on Levi... - 2/16/2007 11:27:38 AM
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PrincessDonna
Posts: 10313
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Cow country, Upstate NY
Status: online
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Happy One Week Birthday, Levi Joseph!
Happy 7th Birthday, Big Brother Noah!
I've been in somewhat of a contemplative mood since our little "surprise" last week. I may be reading too much into a simple ultrasound/doctor error (doc said our little boy was a girl), but I think God may have played a part in it also. He knew that everytime someone asked if we had names picked out and we told them "Hope", I would be reminded to have hope...that He had given me hope where for a time I thought there was none. The middle name we had picked, "MariaJoy", also had significance. Maria means "bitter" and carrying this pregnancy right after losing Nessa was definitely a bitter joy. I say that in all honesty, not because I am bitter over it. It was a process of knowing THIS is the baby God had for us to hold and take home and for some reason we will never know, Nessa was not.
God also knew that I was a bit apprehensive about what my first reaction would be toward the new baby. I was worried that the pain of our previous loss would overshadow the joy of the present. When that little BOY came out, there were no tears. There was surprise, and laughter, and JOY! God knew what we needed all along...
So...Levi Joseph... Conceived in tears and sorrow. Carried in expectant bittersweet hope. Brought forth with laughter and joy.
God is faithful.
< Message edited by PrincessDonna -- 2/16/2007 11:34:11 AM >
_____________________________
<<-----------Brian + vacuum= sexy man!!
He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
~Psalm 91:4~
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RE: Thoughts on Levi... - 3/31/2007 12:02:43 PM
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PrincessDonna
Posts: 10313
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Cow country, Upstate NY
Status: online
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Time really does fly. Levi is 7 weeks old already. He's starting to get his own little personality and has several very specific cries, including one for "here's that sister of mine! watch out she doesn't bite me or try to carry me by my head!"  I know it will be funny someday. He also has the sweetest crooked little smile, when he's safe from his sister. I've yet to catch him smiling on camera though. For some reason, he turns serious when he sees the camera.
Big boy is sleeping all night in his own bed already. He goes down about 10 pm and doesn't get up until 6 or 7 am, depending on when Daddy gets up. It is soooooo nice to get whole nights of sleep! Too bad Hannah still wakes up a few nights a week...but she's getting better too. I need to work on a nap schedule for Little Man. I think he'll do well with it. The problem is I go off to deal with Hannah or the baby I watch and then Levi falls asleep where ever he happens to be sitting and then I just leave him there. Thank you, God, for such an easy-going little guy!
Speaking of easy-going...big sister is completely the opposite. She is throwing fits several times a day, hitting, pinching, biting, screaming. I try to spend some snuggle time with her, but it's hard to even want to when she's being so completely miserable to everyone around her. Most days, I'd like to take Levi and go crawl in a cave. My bigger kids make life very difficult lately. I'm not posting this to complain, but so when I look back on it in a few months and we are through this rough time, I will see how far we've come. I know it's not going to be like this forever, and knowing that keeps me going even when I'd rather turn in my Mommy certificate by the end of the day.
_____________________________
<<-----------Brian + vacuum= sexy man!!
He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
~Psalm 91:4~
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Spilled milk and the sovereignty of God - 4/13/2007 12:21:44 AM
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PrincessDonna
Posts: 10313
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Cow country, Upstate NY
Status: online
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It was the end of a long and nerve wracking trip to Walmart. Levi had his first immunizations today and was quite crabby. Every time the poor babe moved his little legs, he screamed this awful high-pitched scream. Why I picked tonight to go shopping...I have no idea. Anyway, we finally get done shopping, change his diaper, feed him, and head toward the door. A gallon of milk chose just then to jump out of my cart and splatter everywhere.  The door greeter was very kind and told me to not worry about it and go ahead and get another one. I pushed a very heavy cart with a very cranky infant in it all the way to the back of the store to get another gallon of milk. And...I cried. Over spilled milk. 
On my way home, there was a police officer directing traffic around what appeared to be a very bad accident. The accident had happened just minutes before and they didn't have the people out of the car yet. The officer was just setting up flares so I know he hadn't been there long. As I set out to drive a different route around the accident...a good 5 miles out of the way...I realized that those few minutes when I had to make that long walk to the back of Walmart may have made the difference in ME being involved in that accident. No longer feeling a bit sorry for myself, instead I prayed for the people involved in the accident, their families, and the rescue workers.
I know there have been several close calls for my family and I over the years, but tonight got me wondering...how many times do we not know that God intervened on our behalf? How many things that seem like inconveniences are really disruptions God has perfectly orchestrated to work His plan in our lives? Spilled milk can be a blessing in disguise. And a lesson in the sovereignty of God.
_____________________________
<<-----------Brian + vacuum= sexy man!!
He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
~Psalm 91:4~
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Prayer - 4/16/2007 11:58:22 PM
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PrincessDonna
Posts: 10313
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Cow country, Upstate NY
Status: online
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God is dealing with me lately on a few different fronts. Surprise, surprise, huh? I guess when you're as rough a diamond as I am, you need a lot more chipping and sanding than others.
One of the issues is my prayer life. This came to a nearly screeching halt when we lost our baby last May. I was still able to pray for people here, and people offline that were in need of prayer. But the prayers for my own family, the prayers for myself, the real conversations with God...those became almost non-existent. I guess I felt that God was going to do what He wanted no matter what I prayed, so why bother. Yeah, not a real good attitude to have, I know. And I knew it at the time too, but couldn't seem to smack myself out of it.
Lately, my prayer life has been growing and changing and I've been thinking that I really didn't know how to pray before. I used to matter-of-factly present God with a to do list of sorts...a bunch of "I wants" and "Daddy, please". I did remember the "Thank you" when He came through for me too. God's been showing me that I don't always need to pray for the outcome *I* want to see in a situation or in someone's life. I need to pray for things that I know already are in His will. Things like wisdom, understanding, insight, faith, peace, joy, harmony among believers, strength to persevere in trials.
With this new understanding has come a new desire to pray! Ive also been seeing more answers to prayer, simply because I am praying according to His will, not my own. Amazing! That's not to say I don't ever pray selfish or specific prayers for what I would like to see happen. I do still, but while trying to keep the attitude Jesus had in the Garden of Gethsemane...Father, not my will, but Yours be done. What a difference...
Teach me, Daddy. I want to be like You. I want to know your ways.
_____________________________
<<-----------Brian + vacuum= sexy man!!
He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
~Psalm 91:4~
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Opinions...everyone's got one - 
) 
And use all those little tiny diapers I've been stockpiling. 
All those precious little girl clothes that Hannah grew out of way too fast. 
Um...this baby is going to be here REALLY soon, huh? 
Am I ready? 
Will I ever get to shower again? 
Will I ever regain the sanity these years of early motherhood seem to steal so willingly? 
And by the way, this baby has to come out HOW again? 