RE: pastor's wife with very low EQ

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Itooamcalled -> RE: pastor's wife with very low EQ (5/13/2008 8:34:49 PM)
As I have read through these statements I am torn between emotions. I am a pastor's wife and also a pastor. I have seen "People" act both in hateful ways and in ways that others perceived were hateful without really knowing what was going on or not trying to really get to know the situation. The pastor's family does live in a fish bowl and no, for the most part, people do not cut the pastor's family a break. What they do best is go fishing and after they've caught on to something, they reel it in, pull it out of the water, and leave it on the ground to suffer. First of all, how is it that you are privy to your pastor's comments about his wife? Was this in public, like in front of the church or just to you? What should have happened is whomever heard this, should have contacted your pastor's leadership and asked for help for your pastor. But most of all if you are really praying about what should be done in this matter, then you probably wouldn't be chatting about it here. Please, please, go to your pastor and his wife, ask forgiveness and try to be blessing instead of causeing division. Because there is one thing I know for fact...................If you are talking about them with strangers, you are talking about them with friends, family and worst of all, other church members. I do not mean to sound rude or short, but your actions are wrong. Gossip is gossip whether you know the person you are talking to or not.

lightshineon -> RE: pastor's wife with very low EQ (5/13/2008 8:48:30 PM)
Why , saying this in a tone with much respect, is BUYOIL the wrong one here? Maybe seeking Godly advice, because it is strangers. Maybe pastor and wife need to ask forgiveness. It seems so many are so judgemental when there maybe a person here distrubed seeking help. What makes you think all pastors and wives walk on water? Yes cover it in prayer, but also maybe this an issue, and btw you cannot say this person is a gossip. you may need to ask buyoils forgiveness for that judgemental statement. quote: ORIGINAL: Itooamcalled As I have read through these statements I am torn between emotions. I am a pastor's wife and also a pastor. I have seen "People" act both in hateful ways and in ways that others perceived were hateful without really knowing what was going on or not trying to really get to know the situation. The pastor's family does live in a fish bowl and no, for the most part, people do not cut the pastor's family a break. What they do best is go fishing and after they've caught on to something, they reel it in, pull it out of the water, and leave it on the ground to suffer. First of all, how is it that you are privy to your pastor's comments about his wife? Was this in public, like in front of the church or just to you? What should have happened is whomever heard this, should have contacted your pastor's leadership and asked for help for your pastor. But most of all if you are really praying about what should be done in this matter, then you probably wouldn't be chatting about it here. Please, please, go to your pastor and his wife, ask forgiveness and try to be blessing instead of causeing division. Because there is one thing I know for fact...................If you are talking about them with strangers, you are talking about them with friends, family and worst of all, other church members. I do not mean to sound rude or short, but your actions are wrong. Gossip is gossip whether you know the person you are talking to or not.

buckifn -> RE: pastor's wife with very low EQ (5/13/2008 9:07:58 PM)
The Bible is very clear about going to a person face to face if there is a disagreement. Then, if that person will not hear you, you are instructed to take another witness. I don't see how that is thinking "a pastor and/or his wife walks on water".... Plus I don't see how it is judgmental to suggest it be approached directly. If we are going to err isn't it better to err on the side of love and understanding? If there is wrong to be confronted by all means confront it, but with love.

lightshineon -> RE: pastor's wife with very low EQ (5/13/2008 11:08:30 PM)
Yes Buckfin love never fails, but the judgment of gossip of buyoil was very judgemental. What is this person supposed to say to pastors wife? I am sure people have approached them, and that is why the pastors comments, I am sure. Trust me, this sounds so similar to a situation, I have been through. I still try and speak to the pastors wife nine years later, she turns her nose up in the store, and does not respond. I have the unique prospectiveurse in town, of seeing a Jezabel and Ahab relationship between pastor and wife. The woman terrifed her mother, threatened her life, threw a folder at a doctors nurse, attacked the under pastors wife during service in foyer. Came home called me on phone in very evil way verbally attacked me. This is in one night. I would see her at church before this she would not speak to me, and I tried to talk to her, she basicaly told me to kiss her Bleep, The day she did her final act of destruction, my mom and husband both elders in that church talked to her husband. He said "she is ruining my ministry" wanting him to attack single, attractive women in church and other things. He then changed it around a week later, asking my husband to step down " Because I wore the pants in the family" LOL, that is what his wife did. I am Biblicaly submissive to husband. She drives while he rides in the car even. No one never knew why the final rampage, but trust me, I tried to befriend her, she hated me for no reason, I still try and make peace, she still acts horrible, so yes I can buy every word buyoil has to say, did it ever occur to anyone this person has tried to love and make peace? This is not gossip, I have never spoke of it, and do not to people in my church, who know these people. I am telling here for the first time. BTW, I pray for hr and husband and to err in love is best, sometimes you do the best you can though, and it is up to them. quote: ORIGINAL: buckifn The Bible is very clear about going to a person face to face if there is a disagreement. Then, if that person will not hear you, you are instructed to take another witness. I don't see how that is thinking "a pastor and/or his wife walks on water".... Plus I don't see how it is judgmental to suggest it be approached directly. If we are going to err isn't it better to err on the side of love and understanding? If there is wrong to be confronted by all means confront it, but with love.

pstrdebi -> RE: pastor's wife with very low EQ (5/13/2008 11:55:31 PM)
Hi lightshineon... Thanks for commenting... and I am glad that you don't feel bitter from the past. That can be hard for some people to get over... and some never return to church. I'm glad you feel you have a good foundation. Oh dear one... we are not beating Buyoil up... they are just opinions regarding what she asked. She was already in agreement with us before any one even posted, remember. She knows that she needs to pray. I think she was just venting... and perhaps she is young in the Lord. We are, as her Christian brothers and sisters, just holding her accountable so that she does not fall into a spirit of gossip or discention... which leads to division. She needs to be told these things... and remember, it is her that is asking for the advice. I hope I didn't sound harsh [&o] ... if it did, I'm sorry. My comments were just general... but true. God bless you! Pastor Debi

BibleL7 -> RE: pastor's wife with very low EQ (5/14/2008 12:04:45 AM)
Seems nobody cares to give biblical advice. 1 Go to person in private. If they repent you have gained a brother/sister 2 Take 1 or 2 others with you that there may be 2 or 3 witnesses. If they then repent once again you have gained a brother/sister 3 If not then take it before the church, and if they do not repent the they are to be put out of church. Given this also affects the pastor's qualifications then the church should ask the pastor to step down if this is true problem. If he does not then he needs to be removed. Pure and simple steps. And if it is public knowledge of a problem with a pastors wife then he should be asked to step down till it is resolved or he should be dismissed.

pstrdebi -> RE: pastor's wife with very low EQ (5/14/2008 12:34:12 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: crownlaurel This saddens me greatly. I am sure there are pastors' wives who just weren't cut out for it, but as a pastor's wife, I can tell you people misinterpret things in so many ways. People have said these same things about me. One woman left our church and began telling everyone that I controlled the church and my husband because I watched an usher pick up the offering in the middle of a sermon and I quietly went to him and let him know he needed a second person to count it with him. While I did this to protect him, the few people who saw what happened began to tell others that I chastised him and I wanted control of the money. We are from different cultures and as hard as I try, because we have about 5 or 6 different cultures in our church, I usually end up offending someone. I'm so glad that James warned us we'd be judged harshly because "in many things we offend all." (James 3:1-3) My husband shares his thoughts and ideas with me. I know what he wants and he has asked me to relay things to other people because he can't be in all places at once. Then those people turn around and say that I am controlling. I'm not submissive enough. I don't work in the kitchen when there's food (because my husband told me not to by the way). When my mother died, within weeks, some of our members began spreading rumors that I was unattentive and didn't minister to them. Not one of them ministered to me in my heart wrenching loss. Through many many hurtful episodes, I have had to heal from the pain and bitterness of thinking that everyone was judging my every move. Maybe some of her attitude comes from the way people have talked about her behind her back. She is human and has feelings too. It's not easy to be a pastor's wife. We are expected to be superhumans and mild and meek at the same time. If we're too involved, people say we're controlling. If we're not involved as much as some want, we're stand-offish and not good PWs. You don't know how he treats her at home or how she's been hurt in the past or in the church. Maybe some of the things she says to him in church are reflections of things he's said to her and she wants to see him stand up for what he says in private. Maybe some church members are trying to control things and he doesn't have the assertiveness to stand up and she tries to cover him. Though that may not be the best approach for a wife to take, it's hard to stand by while people step all over your husband, and then when you do, you're the bad guy and he's a saint. Maybe if she weren't a Christian she would have left him long ago. It may not be what's happening, but you only see what happens in public so you don't know. The truth is that if it weren't for Jesus my husband and I never would have made it through all these years. That's because we're both humans and we both have faults and issues because we're both sinners and we're both grateful that Jesus is the reason we're still together. Please reach out to her. Please pray for her and please stop talking about her to other people. Follow Matthew 18 and speak directly to her when you feel offended...allow her the opportunity to explain herself or to ask for forgiveness. So many times I have needed to be ministered to and there is no one to minister to me. I am so glad that we do have members now who love and accept me for who I am and work with me in making our cultures and our characters work together and who give me the opportunity to say I am sorry when I offend them and didn't mean to. Dear Crownlaurel... I am so sorry that you have had to deal with all of that. It is such an unfortunate problem within the church.. the entire body of Christ. Whether we are pastors, pastors wives, youth worker or toilet washer... people can be so horrible to others. Aren't we suppose to be different than the world??? None-the-less, it hurts. We have been there... and have seen others go through it too. No matter what... we are always going to disappoint someone who thinks differently than we do. But here is what we've learned....We look at our position the same as we look at our marriage. We know what we DON'T want in a marriage... and we know what we wouldn't want from our senior pastors... so we don't allow ourselves to be those people. We want to lead by example, and do the very best we can to glorify God. We seek to be blameless... and we seek the Kingdom. Does that make us perfect? Absolutely not... we're still human. But we know how to say sorry and we know that we are correct before God. So when people come against us, and they will... we can, with all confidence, look them in the eye... and simply give them over to God. Again... I am so sorry that you have been hurt by the people in your church. No matter what I say or anyone else, it still hurts. But as long as you know, and God knows... thats all that really matters. God bless you... keep your chin up... and keep fighting the good fight! Much love... Pastor Debi

still4gvn -> RE: pastor's wife with very low EQ (5/14/2008 1:32:08 AM)
I think we all need someone(s) to talk about issues that are on our heart. That is not gossip. This is an anonymous forum, so it should be a safe place to discuss a situation without it becomming gossip. When problems aren't dealt with, they tend to get worse. This is why the op asked for advice. Someone needs to sit this pastor down and ask him 1) are you in a relationship with you niece ?(or was it cousin? I forget) 2)are you willing to go into counseling to improve your marriage - even if your wife won't go? 3)what help do you want in fixing this problem?

Itooamcalled -> RE: pastor's wife with very low EQ (5/14/2008 2:28:06 AM)
quote: you may need to ask buyoils forgiveness for that judgemental statement. lightshineon: I went back and re-read my post. If I offended you or anyone else I am truly sorry. Please forgive me. One thing I do not like about internet is you can not read intent. My heart was not to judge only to caution not to judge someone else without knowing the whole story. Our job as Christians, is to go to the person and try to work it out. However, I too know all to well that that does not always work. My heart is really heaving for the pastor here. I know first hand that many times family members in the body of Christ miss read the pastor's actions and those of his wife..... Being a wife of a pastor and a pastor both.................I know that this job is not an easy one and there are many time that we have to deal with things that are overwhelming...........I can't remember who is was ealier who made the statement that pastor's don't walk on water............they were soooooooooooooo right. But too many times pastor's are not afforded the grace to be human. When I said, What should have happened is whomever heard this, should have contacted your pastor's leadership and asked for help for your pastor.[/i] I really meant it. I have been on the side of needing some help and not realizing it. As a pastor's wife........many times my husband must deal with situations that effect our family and, I am sorry to say, yes, cause me to have trouble being happy all the time. There is that human thing again..... However, I know that when we give to God those things which are too big for us............He does a much better job than we can ever do. Again, please forgive me if I have offened anyone here. I have walked both sides of this street and it isn't easy.

bzirk -> RE: pastor's wife with very low EQ (5/14/2008 2:30:17 AM)
There's no question that if someone has been sinned against that they should approach the offender in private in order to confront the situation (rf. Matthew 18) and then proceed to the other steps prescribed if necessary. But before someone does that, they need to ask the Lord what if any offense has actually occurred. Be clear on what it is that's really bugging you and whether or not you're really justified in approaching someone. This is true whether you confront the pastor's wife or any other sister or brother in Christ. From the description given by the original poster, I'm not quite sure what exactly would be the basis for confronting the pastor's wife. As to the perspective of the pastor and his family, it's like buying a house or raising a child. Unless you've been in the situation, the chances are very good that you don't know what it's really like. I guess this is my way of saying that I understand what Itooamcalled is speaking to.

BibleL7 -> RE: pastor's wife with very low EQ (5/14/2008 3:20:28 AM)
One of main points in going to the person in private the first time is to be sure it is not just misunderstanding. Some times when this step is followed then the person can explain their actions or feelings in private. It could very well be a misunderstanding that can be explained with truth. Also if it is misunderstanding the person being talked to will be informed of it and perhaps in prayerful consideration figure a way to keep the misunderstanding from occurring again. If however everyone in church is talking about a situation that is not true but a simple misunderstanding that could have been corrected by a simple private conversation from a loving brother or sister then that is a shame. We are commanded to love one another and that requires conversing with one another and caring for how others perceive actions. Is it loving to let someone be deemed wrong or in sin and not tell them so it can be corrected.

Itooamcalled -> RE: pastor's wife with very low EQ (5/14/2008 3:48:26 AM)
That is what I actually wanted to say.............First, talk to God about it. If He leads you to the person, then go alone and try to work it out. After that, the steps are clear. I know many that were once in ministry and now are not due to the lack of following the Word. Be very, very careful. No matter who it is............we are talking about someones Spiritual life here.

LaurainAL -> RE: pastor's wife with very low EQ (5/14/2008 7:44:20 AM)
Scripture teaches us how to handle disagreements with other believers. It is found in Matthew 18. It does not mention venting to others.

buckifn -> RE: pastor's wife with very low EQ (5/14/2008 7:53:08 AM)
quote: Someone needs to sit this pastor down and ask him 1) are you in a relationship with you niece ?(or was it cousin? I forget) 2)are you willing to go into counseling to improve your marriage - even if your wife won't go? 3)what help do you want in fixing this problem? On what grounds do you base this opinion? I would say that would be opening yourself wide to a lawsuit UNLESS you had CLEAR evidence of an affair, and/or other behavior that should be dealt with...and even then it is not wise for an individ. to confront a pastor...that is a leadership team decision and is totally based on what a church's bylaws call for...not an indiv. interpretation.

lightshineon -> RE: pastor's wife with very low EQ (5/14/2008 8:07:43 AM)
HIi everyone, I did not mean to hijack this thread. I am sorry if I was harsh in my post. Pastor Deb, I too am sorry people treat you or your husband bad. I would never do that, I treat my pastor and his wife with upmost respect. The church I spoke of Matt. 18 tried to be an option, but it was a dysfunctional marriage and church, it did not happen. I am most upset for the pastors wife elderly mom things got very odd. She was terrified of her daughter. I am sorry if I percieved offense, you are so kind and Godly. Forgivness is power, and that is why I do not hang on to bitterness, and I have been forgiven much. We all have faults, an d maybe I am relating buyoils situation to mine, which could be so different. I defend pastor and his wife against troublemakers. Sometimes if a person is quite, they say snob. I explain some think this of my husband an elder, who is reserved. So I love you, and glad you are all my freinds. A added note is I feel quilty about former pastors wifes mother, no one helped her, and she is dead under strange circumstances. I prayed so hard for the church and what to do. It is all a strange story, my mom was an elder so was my husband. My husband is an elder at present church also. I know buyoils situtaion is maybe a whole different story. Pastors wives are similar to Military Officers wives, they can make or break their husbands calling or career. I know what living in a fishbowl is (LOL). Go to an Military Officers wife coffee, or ball, or dining out. May God bless you all.[:D]

crownlaurel -> RE: pastor's wife with very low EQ (5/14/2008 8:29:43 AM)
Light...please understand that the OP's situation is completely different from yours. The OP gave no indication of erratic or psychotic behavior (from your description of your situation, your former pastor's wife's behavior sounds psychotic...meaning she may have had a mental disorder that probably needed medical intervention...something that is often neglected or refused in religious groups...this is NOT a medical diagnosis nor an expert opinion...it is only a lay person's opinion of a possible cause of the behavior). The OP's pastor's wife did not threaten anyone and did not indicate a fear of the pastor's wife. The two situations are different and cannot be compared. I am sorry that you were subject to that experience and I am sure it has affected your life as well as others. Not everyone who is in ministry is in it to serve God and sometimes things happen to people that change their character and need deliverance or medical care and it looks like your pastor's wife didn't get the help she needed (not by your fault nor that of the congregation). Buyoils asked for advice and has received that. I don't read judgement towards buyoils...only Biblical advice on how to handle this situation and any situation as well as pastors' wives' perspectives on what happens on the other end.

earthless -> RE: pastor's wife with very low EQ (5/14/2008 8:54:15 AM)
EQ? Is she a robot that has a low quality audio box with its acoustical settings not finely tuned? Ugh, pet peeve when people make such simple mistakes - plus the irony of the OP with the misuse of the word is too much to even provide a response, lol.

crownlaurel -> RE: pastor's wife with very low EQ (5/14/2008 9:47:24 AM)
I think this is what they mean... http://education.yahoo.com/reference/dictionary/entry/EQ quote: EQ 1 �� (ky) KEY � NOUN: Intelligence regarding the emotions, especially in the ability to monitor one's own or others' emotions and to interact effectively with others. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ETYMOLOGY: e(motional) q(uotient)

lightshineon -> RE: pastor's wife with very low EQ (5/14/2008 9:54:40 AM)
I think all of us are judging the op, by past experiences.

rcjames -> RE: pastor's wife with very low EQ (5/14/2008 1:38:39 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BibleL7 Seems nobody cares to give biblical advice. 1 Go to person in private. If they repent you have gained a brother/sister 2 Take 1 or 2 others with you that there may be 2 or 3 witnesses. If they then repent once again you have gained a brother/sister 3 If not then take it before the church, and if they do not repent the they are to be put out of church. Given this also affects the pastor's qualifications then the church should ask the pastor to step down if this is true problem. If he does not then he needs to be removed. Pure and simple steps. And if it is public knowledge of a problem with a pastors wife then he should be asked to step down till it is resolved or he should be dismissed. Great advice if someone is living in sin or purposely causing pain or other sin. What is the sin laid out by the Poster in the original post; that the pastor's wife did not look at them correctly, Jesus give me a break. Thanks RC

still4gvn -> RE: pastor's wife with very low EQ (5/14/2008 2:02:10 PM)
Buckfin: I said someone should sit down with the pastor and ask him if he's involved with his cousin. You said doing that could get one sued. There is a difference between a private 1:1 question and an accusation. It seems the church is disturbed by problems. The pastor needs to understand that and deal with it. Telling people that he wishes he could divorce his wife is not the way to deal with it! She may have good reasons to be jealous. Things are not always what they seem. Whatever is happening, ignoring it hasn't worked.

lightshineon -> RE: pastor's wife with very low EQ (5/14/2008 3:06:24 PM)
I humbly disagree rc, sometimes you do not know what type of spiritual abuse is going on. If her own husband issaying this do you not think their is a problem? quote: ORIGINAL: rcjames quote: ORIGINAL: BibleL7 Seems nobody cares to give biblical advice. 1 Go to person in private. If they repent you have gained a brother/sister 2 Take 1 or 2 others with you that there may be 2 or 3 witnesses. If they then repent once again you have gained a brother/sister 3 If not then take it before the church, and if they do not repent the they are to be put out of church. Given this also affects the pastor's qualifications then the church should ask the pastor to step down if this is true problem. If he does not then he needs to be removed. Pure and simple steps. And if it is public knowledge of a problem with a pastors wife then he should be asked to step down till it is resolved or he should be dismissed. Great advice if someone is living in sin or purposely causing pain or other sin. What is the sin laid out by the Poster in the original post; that the pastor's wife did not look at them correctly, Jesus give me a break. Thanks RC

pstrdebi -> RE: pastor's wife with very low EQ (5/14/2008 4:27:03 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: crownlaurel I think this is what they mean... http://education.yahoo.com/reference/dictionary/entry/EQ quote: EQ 1 �� (ky) KEY � NOUN: Intelligence regarding the emotions, especially in the ability to monitor one's own or others' emotions and to interact effectively with others. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ETYMOLOGY: e(motional) q(uotient) Hmmmm........ Not another politicaly correct label... [8\|][&:][:'(][sm=icon_smile_faint.gif] There have been many times I feel this way. There are times when you feel like you just got hit by a semi... and left for dead! I think at those times my intelligence flies out the window while the common sense side of me is dealing with the collateral damage. And often monitoring mine or anyone elses emotions is kinda set on a temporay shelf while I hide out in the prayer closet to sort out the pieces so that I can interact with myself, let alone others! Am I the only one?... I don't think so. Even those out there that are not pastors or pastors wives deal with this kind of thing at some point. Life happens. I guess it what you do with it that matters. [:)] Blessings... Pastor Debi

buckifn -> RE: pastor's wife with very low EQ (5/14/2008 4:56:02 PM)
quote: Telling people that he wishes he could divorce his wife is not the way to deal with it! I didn't see the op say the pastor responded by saying that. I saw him ask the people who complained to him to show grace when dealing with his wife.

pstrdebi -> RE: pastor's wife with very low EQ (5/14/2008 5:08:18 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: buckifn quote: Telling people that he wishes he could divorce his wife is not the way to deal with it! I didn't see the op say the pastor responded by saying that. I saw him ask the people who complained to him to show grace when dealing with his wife. It was in post #12... quote: ORIGINAL: Buyoil It is difficult to be in such a church where i feel the leadership is crippled. Clearly the pastor and his wife are not moving in tandem in the spirit. My pastor has privately even mentioned that if he was a non-christian, he would have walked out of his marriage many times already. Just tweeked a little. [:)]

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