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How to know God's Planning and timing in Marriage? - 6/11/2008 5:38:17 AM
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Luv4self
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I understand that the bible is God's written word, but how do we know if he is leading and guiding us to marry a certain person? We can pray and do things with our best intentions, but how do we know this is what God wants for us, if His timing or it's Him leading? Unfortunately, He doesn't put a sticker on the person saying "she/he's the one" and there are no bells and whistles when that person walks through th door. So...how do you know?
_____________________________
Don't just live... be alive!
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RE: How to know God's Planning and timing in Marriage? - 6/11/2008 7:03:46 AM
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camelot12
Posts: 26
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quote:
I understand that the bible is God's written word, but how do we know if he is leading and guiding us to marry a certain person? We can pray and do things with our best intentions, but how do we know this is what God wants for us, if His timing or it's Him leading? Unfortunately, He doesn't put a sticker on the person saying "she/he's the one" and there are no bells and whistles when that person walks through th door. So...how do you know?
good question! Idk, but wouldn't it be nice if you could be absolutely certain you and that person were perfect for eachother, just like Adam and Eve were.
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RE: How to know God's Planning and timing in Marriage? - 6/11/2008 10:15:59 AM
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karlie
Posts: 16966
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From: Central California
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quote:
We can pray and do things with our best intentions, but how do we know this is what God wants for us, if His timing or it's Him leading? Unfortunately, He doesn't put a sticker on the person saying "she/he's the one" and there are no bells and whistles when that person walks through th door. So...how do you know?
For us, it was just this knowledge deep inside that I can't explain, and my husband says the same thing. It was a peace and a feeling that God was putting this together. No bells, whistles or an audible voice, just a inner peace and conviction deep down that this was His leading and timing. It was in everything, from the way we could talk, to our shared hopes for the future, to our belief in what marriage was really about. There were no red flags, no doubts, not a single incident when we wondered if this was the right thing. I guess the absence of those things, and the feeling of complete inner peace made us know God was the one who brought us together.
You also have to be praying sincerely and be willing to listen to his leading, even if it is showing us things we don't want to see. Are you feeling "checks" in your spirit? Are you see red flags or trouble spots that God may be waving right in front of you to get your attention? Or are you just thinking about how in love you are and that things will eventually work out? I believe God really gives us answers when we sincerely pray and are willing to listen. I think a lot of people in love don't really want God's leading if it tells them this isn't the one...they want His validation so they can move full steam ahead. So, we become selective listeners, hearing and seeing only what we want to. When we're in that frame of mind(been there done that!), it's hard to heed the warning signs that may be telling us this isn't the one.
_____________________________
1 day of coal...364 days of fun. I'll take my chances!
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RE: How to know God's Planning and timing in Marriage? - 6/11/2008 11:36:08 AM
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laura...
Posts: 2842
Joined: 3/1/2005
From: NE Ohio
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Luv4self
I understand that the bible is God's written word, but how do we know if he is leading and guiding us to marry a certain person? We can pray and do things with our best intentions, but how do we know this is what God wants for us, if His timing or it's Him leading? Unfortunately, He doesn't put a sticker on the person saying "she/he's the one" and there are no bells and whistles when that person walks through th door. So...how do you know?
God's written word gives us very clear guidelines about good character, godly living, and the fruit of the Spirit. His word also gives us guidelines about who to associate with and who not to associate with. Proverbs gives us extensive descriptions of the characteristics of fools. There are several passages in the Epistles about leadership qualities. The Beatitudes describe godly attitudes. These are all wonderful guidelines for choosing a spouse.
And, yes, you can know that someone has these qualities pretty quickly. I met my hubby on June 16, 2005. Our first "date" was at his church's Sunday morning service on June 19, 2005. That day I met his church family, his mother, his sisters, his brother and magnitudes of nieces and nephews. It's amazing what you can get to know about someone's character by watching how they interacts with their close relations and how those relations interact back.
The Holy Spirit may not put a sticker on someone or ring bells or whistles but you can certainly know if someone is producing the fruit of the Holy Spirit.
My hubby and I married 8 weeks after meeting on August 12, 2005. I had the complete peace and assurance of the Holy Spirit. I had a sure knowledge of my hubby's heart towards God and his godly character. The last almost 3 years has just continued to prove that his character is as godly as he showed it to be within the first week of meeting him. If a person's character is godly, it isn't time that will prove it -- it's everyone around him that will prove it.
In my opinion, if there are red flags at the beginning of a relationship, no amount of time is going to eliminate those red flags. In many cases, dragging out the courtship and engagement is really a case of hoping the red flags will go away.
_____________________________
This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’ Jer 6:16
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RE: How to know God's Planning and timing in Marriage? - 6/11/2008 11:38:42 AM
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laura...
Posts: 2842
Joined: 3/1/2005
From: NE Ohio
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quote:
For us, it was just this knowledge deep inside that I can't explain, and my husband says the same thing. It was a peace and a feeling that God was putting this together. No bells, whistles or an audible voice, just a inner peace and conviction deep down that this was His leading and timing. It was in everything, from the way we could talk, to our shared hopes for the future, to our belief in what marriage was really about. There were no red flags, no doubts, not a single incident when we wondered if this was the right thing. I guess the absence of those things, and the feeling of complete inner peace made us know God was the one who brought us together.
That is definitely how my experience went.
quote:
You also have to be praying sincerely and be willing to listen to his leading, even if it is showing us things we don't want to see. Are you feeling "checks" in your spirit? Are you see red flags or trouble spots that God may be waving right in front of you to get your attention? Or are you just thinking about how in love you are and that things will eventually work out? I believe God really gives us answers when we sincerely pray and are willing to listen. I think a lot of people in love don't really want God's leading if it tells them this isn't the one...they want His validation so they can move full steam ahead. So, we become selective listeners, hearing and seeing only what we want to. When we're in that frame of mind(been there done that!), it's hard to heed the warning signs that may be telling us this isn't the one.
Amen!
_____________________________
This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’ Jer 6:16
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RE: How to know God's Planning and timing in Marriage? - 6/11/2008 12:07:34 PM
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LaVidaBonita
Posts: 33
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quote:
ORIGINAL: camelot12
good question! Idk, but wouldn't it be nice if you could be absolutely certain you and that person were perfect for eachother, just like Adam and Eve were.
Even Adam and Eve had their issues. He let her talk to the devil and she convinced him to sin. The truth is there are no "sure things" or perfect marriages when you are dealing with two imperfect people. All you can do is look for someone who has characteristics that indicate that the holy spirit is at work in their life, and pray for the grace of God to guide you through.
_____________________________
... Y todo aquel que creyera en El no perezca mas tenga vida eternal...
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RE: Rushing down the altar - 6/11/2008 10:32:30 PM
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fist.sensei
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quote:
ORIGINAL: futuremartyr
Marriage is not about compatibility. It's about commitment. No where in the Bible does it say marriage is about being compatible. It's best to have Jesus in common.
I think this attitude is a contributing factor in the high levels of divorce in the christian community.
Of course marriage is about compatibility. It is about commitment as well, but why would you even commit to someone in the first place that you weren't compatible with?
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RE: Rushing down the altar - 6/12/2008 10:56:58 AM
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allisonbrett
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IMO, those that tend to rush down the isle are often rushing based on the emotions at hand. But that doesn't always guarantee that they aren't compatible and will not last the test of time. As so many others have stated, divorce is caused by selfishness. I agree. So whether you married within 6 days, 6 weeks or even 6 years, in the end it the most successful marriages comes down to the 4 C's: communication, compromise, commitment, and Christ!
That's my take.
BTW: my husband and I met and married in 6 weeks. We have an incredible married despite having survived more trials and tribuations that most can image. We are blessed to be able to really communicate well. Several things are constant: Our devotion to Christ, to each other and to our family. Our only regret is that we didn't have the wedding that we really wanted. We did compromise there. We had wanted to be married on a beach in the tropics. Maybe some anniversary we'll take a tropical honeymoon and renew our vows!
_____________________________
Allison's World My Blog
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RE: Rushing down the altar - 6/20/2008 1:51:16 AM
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LivePrayDream
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Joined: 6/20/2008
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My husband and I had a 3 1/2 month courtship. We spent every available moment together starting from day 1, and we are both very open and honest people, so we talked about everything from the beginning (in fact, we both talk TOO much, lol!). We learned each other's quirks and knew of each other's pasts within the first month. Facing surgery and my signing a living will with his father as my witness, he knew he had to ask me to marry him, and of course I said yes. We married 5 months later. We're coming up on our one year anniversary here soon, and we've both grown so much together... we compliment each other's strengths and we strengthen each other's weaknesses. We've both been through a lot in the last year and a half and we've handled it all well with each other's support and our mutual faith in God.
I don't recommend my setting for everyone. I have met some women in my life who have married quickly, to the man "they know is the one", and wound up in divorce court... and worse. Every relationship is so different and I believe there isn't any single thing that contributes to the divorce rate. I do think sometimes, people who go into marriage with the wrong expectations and/or for the wrong reasons (such as getting out of your parent's house, money, etc.) are the ones who end up in divorce court. Unfortunately, our (American) society has turned into a society of greed and selfishness. Many people have lost touch with faith, of any kind. I also believe in some areas it is far too easy to get a divorce. I think many of the couples who get divorced may be able to reconnect, especially if they originally married for love. I've met a few couples whom I am friends with on both sides who both say they still love each other... but they are too stubborn to get the help they need to reunite and be back together.
I don't know the answer, honestly. I can only guess at the many reasons for the American divorce rate. I do know what my relationship is like, and I know we will be together for the rest of our lives. One rule we both discussed long before marriage is that neither of us believe in "divorce". We may be able to sign the papers, but in God's eyes, we remain married to the first person we marry, and that's final. If I were to "divorce" my husband, and find another husband, I would be committing a sin, and he believes as such as well. It was important to the both of us that our core morals and values were the same before he would even consider marriage. God set it up for us to be sure we agreed. 
God Bless!
< Message edited by LivePrayDream -- 6/20/2008 1:57:37 AM >
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RE: Rushing down the altar - 7/15/2008 5:45:49 PM
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JesKlu
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quote:
ORIGINAL: futuremartyr
quote:
ORIGINAL: camelot12
Does anyone have any idea why people rush into marriage with someone they barely know? This is beyond me, i don't get it. And I'm wondering if this impulsiveness is contributing to the high divorce rate--does anyone think it is? I'm talking becoming engaged and married within mere weeks or months or being married within a year. Such impulsiveness seems so foolish; like a recipe for disaster. The person you could be rushing into marriage with could be a total jerk and you wouldn't know it because you haven't allowed enough time for their true colors to come out. Anyone could put on a good act for awhile. And then people say--"that's not the person I married, " um yes they can only be what they are.
Marriage is supposed to be one of the biggest commitments in your life--it's you with another person for a lifetime, dealing with eachother through the good the bad and the ugly. If it's not to be entered into lightly then wouldn't it makes sense for people take the time to get to know eachother, discuss important issues, make sure they are right for eachother and become really good friends before getting married?
It amazes me time and time again seeing these people getting divorced over things that should have been discussed before being married.
No, I think selfishness is contributing to the high divorce rate. We are selfish, we must starve the flesh and feed the spririt. Marriage is a covenant with God and your spouse, you are right to say it is the biggest commitment in life, next to our commitment to obey Jesus. The longer the engagement the more risk you run of falling into sin. I share your passion, I hate divorce. It is a result of sinful people, not getting married to quickly.
Hello!
You said the longer the engagement the more risk you fall into sin. In biblical times, betrothals (engagements) lasted for a year before the wedding. That was the norm. Sometimes betrothals lasted 7 years (Jacob), some were really short (Issac and Rebekkah). But like I said, after the Israelites went into the land of Israel, the norm for betrothal was a year.
So long engagements are not anything new.
And I second you that the divorce rate is the result of sinful pride.
Your sister in Christ Jesus,
Jessica
_____________________________
And calling to him a child, he put him in the midst of them and said, "Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.
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RE: How to know God's Planning and timing in Marriage? - 7/15/2008 6:14:17 PM
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isaacsmom
Posts: 1978
Joined: 12/2/2005
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: laura...
quote:
For us, it was just this knowledge deep inside that I can't explain, and my husband says the same thing. It was a peace and a feeling that God was putting this together. No bells, whistles or an audible voice, just a inner peace and conviction deep down that this was His leading and timing. It was in everything, from the way we could talk, to our shared hopes for the future, to our belief in what marriage was really about. There were no red flags, no doubts, not a single incident when we wondered if this was the right thing. I guess the absence of those things, and the feeling of complete inner peace made us know God was the one who brought us together.
That is definitely how my experience went.
This is exactly what my husband and I experienced. And I was only 17 years old at the time. He was 19. (BTW we dated for 2 years before marrying, knew each other 2 years before we started dating).
quote:
You also have to be praying sincerely and be willing to listen to his leading, even if it is showing us things we don't want to see. Are you feeling "checks" in your spirit? Are you see red flags or trouble spots that God may be waving right in front of you to get your attention? Or are you just thinking about how in love you are and that things will eventually work out? I believe God really gives us answers when we sincerely pray and are willing to listen. I think a lot of people in love don't really want God's leading if it tells them this isn't the one...they want His validation so they can move full steam ahead. So, we become selective listeners, hearing and seeing only what we want to. When we're in that frame of mind(been there done that!), it's hard to heed the warning signs that may be telling us this isn't the one.
I very much agree. It's all about this -- not about any certain length of time.
My parents met in September, were engaged 6 weeks later, and married in March. They have been married for 28 years and have one of the godliest and loving marriages I know of.
(edited to fix quotes)
< Message edited by isaacsmom -- 7/15/2008 6:22:43 PM >
_____________________________
<<< My littlest punkin'
*~*~*Rachel*~*~*
pirtlefarm.blogspot.com
Beware of posing as a profound person -- God became a baby. ~Oswald Chambers
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RE: Rushing down the altar - 7/15/2008 8:32:38 PM
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MC4JC
Posts: 201
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From: Minnesota
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Because most of us are not paying attention to God's way of finding the right person. We are taking things in our own hands, putting lust ahead of love and commitment.
Both my husband and I were married before - for the wrong reasons (him getting his ex pregnant and thinking he was doing the right thing to marry and me because I didn't think anyone would ask me; I didn't really love my ex - didn't know what love was). And so we both learned the painful results of decisions made for the wrong reasons.
This time around, we did it God's way and He was the one that brought us together. We did meet on the internet, but spent 18 months of "dating" and really getting to know each other inside and out with very few times of physical meeting. Because God wants you to know the person's heart before the flesh, our marriage is very solid and we appreciate every moment we have together :)
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RE: Rushing down the altar - 7/15/2008 9:33:05 PM
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sweetee2
Posts: 4
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I understand that rushing into a marriage without taking enough time to really know the person is not wise. However.... I personally know a woman that dated a man for 8 years and after all those years of dating they finally married. Within 1 year the guy cheated on her and they divorced. You would think that after spending all that time together dating that they would know each other pretty well. I don't think that time is always the issue. I personally think it's a heart issue more than anything.
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RE: Rushing down the altar - 7/15/2008 11:07:59 PM
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rgod
Posts: 1535
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I apologize in advance for this being long.
I also don't think that time matters that much, although for myself, I personally would want to date for about 1 to 2 years before marriage. I think that is because I want to have time to get to know him well, for him to know me well, and I think that is enough time to have seen him through different "changes" in life - through dissapointments, hurts, happiness, anger, everything.
Why do people rush to be married? I think this is varied and depends on the couple. But I think that as believers, one of the things that we should be striving to do is to follow God in all things, including the timing of our marriages and the ultimate selection of our mates. I think if we ask God for wisdom in this area, He will give it to us, just like it says in James.
I can't say though that a shorter time leads to divorce. My mom and dad dated for three months before my father asked her to marry him. They were from two different cultures, two different countries, but they loved each other. When he asked her to marry him, he was leaving the country in six months and he wanted to take her with him back to the United States. He couldn't see marrying anyone else, and he always maintains that if she had said no, he wouldn't have gotten married. That was 34 years ago and they are still going strong. They take fantastic care of each other and are so affectionate, sweet, and loving to one another. Now, they weren't always like this (which should give those who are going through rocky periods in their marriage a lot of hope) but they've had to grow into this oneness - and now they are almost like newlyweds in their love and devotion to one another.
I'm not sure what is causing the high divorce rate, although I think the answer isn't so simple. I think that there are spiritual and natural causes. Spiritually, I think that satan uses his weapons of selfishness, pride, and probably more than anything else - unforgiveness to magnify faults and break up marriages. I've heard that spouses who pray together, have a much lower divorce rate (I think it was lowered by something like 85% - but I can't tell you where I got that statistic). A lot of Christians don't believe in spiritual warfare - but really - even if you don't believe in it - doesn't mean it won't affect you or your family. We see in Ephesians 6 there there is a premium placed on prayer - where Paul asks that we pray always for the saints. And of course, putting on spiritual armor each day and seeking the Lord in all things will help keep your marriage strong.
I think that the natural causes are pretty varied. I think that women having more opportunities has a lot to do with it. In the past, women put up with a lot of things - such as infidelity or horrific types of abuse because they knew that they couldn't support themselves or their families otherwise. While I don't agree with divorce, I'm certainly not one to say that a woman should be stay in a relationship where she and/or her children are beaten, where their lives are in danger. This happens more than one would think. I'm glad that women have opportunities, but I do think that it makes divorce possible when in another era it might have been unthinkable - or at least not feasible. Remove the social stigma from divorce (there only seems to be a stigma if you've been divorced three times or more during the present day) and it becomes a good option for many.
Another part of it I think, is the romanticization of marriage. I think about my own parents and the fact that there were a lot of difficult times they went through before the beautiful sweetness that they have now. I didn't think that they'd make it several times. But, I'm not sure if people are always willing to go through the times when the feelings are gone - I think people are too quick to say - "We just don't love each other anymore. We've grown apart." when in actuality, this can be an opportunity to learn how to love in a new way. I think too that things that people would have worked through in the past, out of necessity - like a person who has some sort of illness or has an issue, like an addiction that shows up after the marriage, or a communcation or financial issue, people are sometimes less willing to work out. I think that this goes back to the feeling that marriage is a lot about personal fulfillment, then about it being a commitment.
I was watching a program today about Islam, Judaism, and Christianity. It was quite interesting that they pointed out that in Judaism and Islam marriage was seen as a contract. The show misrepresented Christianity, saying that we thought that marriage was all about love - and it is in a sense - but there is a contractual sense - or rather the sense of the covenant too. I think one of the main reasons that divorce happens more often than it did in the past - besides what I've said before, is the fact that the concept of covenant - of keeping your word - of a contract that cannot be violated - is basically lost. Everything in our society is negotiable - even things that at one time were absolutes (like our physical genders for example). I think that this way of seeing the world has impacted the way in which we see covenants and frankly - I don't think that people see marriage as being that serious anymore - "till death do you part" is just something you say.
< Message edited by rgod -- 7/16/2008 5:54:55 AM >
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RE: Rushing down the altar - 7/16/2008 12:21:49 AM
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DreadPirateRandy
Posts: 7735
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quote:
ORIGINAL: camelot12
I'm wondering if this impulsiveness is contributing to the high divorce rate--does anyone think it is?
No, it's relationships with a lot more of us and a lot less of Him.
quote:
I'm talking becoming engaged and married within mere weeks or months or being married within a year. Such impulsiveness seems so foolish; like a recipe for disaster.
How does a few weeks/months compare to a year? That's quite the significant time gap.
_____________________________
The lunatic, the lover, and the poet, are of imagination all compact.
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RE: Rushing down the altar - 7/16/2008 7:28:42 AM
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car2ner
Posts: 2936
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: just north of Florida
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quote:
That day I met his church family, his mother, his sisters, his brother and magnitudes of nieces and nephews. It's amazing what you can get to know about someone's character by watching how they interacts with their close relations and how those relations interact back.
This was something I watched out for. It is one thing for a person to pretend for a date, but watching a person's family and friends is another thing. They know that person to well too be pretended to.
M'love and I were going to wait a year but after talking, praying, meeting family, etc. we married after about 6 months. It was a joining of two families, not just two people. We are blessed.
_____________________________
http://www.car2ner.2ya.com
"May your days be long and your hardships few".
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RE: Rushing down the altar - 7/16/2008 9:17:22 AM
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laura...
Posts: 2842
Joined: 3/1/2005
From: NE Ohio
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quote:
ORIGINAL: car2ner
quote:
That day I met his church family, his mother, his sisters, his brother and magnitudes of nieces and nephews. It's amazing what you can get to know about someone's character by watching how they interacts with their close relations and how those relations interact back.
This was something I watched out for. It is one thing for a person to pretend for a date, but watching a person's family and friends is another thing. They know that person to well too be pretended to.
M'love and I were going to wait a year but after talking, praying, meeting family, etc. we married after about 6 months. It was a joining of two families, not just two people. We are blessed.
Amen!
_____________________________
This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’ Jer 6:16
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RE: How to know God's Planning and timing in Marriage? - 7/16/2008 9:41:28 AM
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AlwaysR8chel
Posts: 4442
Joined: 4/11/2005
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quote:
ORIGINAL: karlie
For us, it was just this knowledge deep inside that I can't explain, and my husband says the same thing. It was a peace and a feeling that God was putting this together. No bells, whistles or an audible voice, just a inner peace and conviction deep down that this was His leading and timing. It was in everything, from the way we could talk, to our shared hopes for the future, to our belief in what marriage was really about. There were no red flags, no doubts, not a single incident when we wondered if this was the right thing. I guess the absence of those things, and the feeling of complete inner peace made us know God was the one who brought us together.
.
.
.
..... This was my experience, too, Karlie...
My hubby and I met at a prison ministry event in Texas last year... he started pursuing me in January... (I told him I wasn't interested in a romantic relationship and he'd have to win my heart if he really wanted me...) We were married at the end of June.
I think that trying to impose our timelines on others is wrong... life is what it is... every journey is different. Every couple is different.
The most important thing is being willing to see and acknowledge and act on the red flags...
.... and that peace thing that Jesus gives us? It rocks.
_____________________________
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RE: Rushing down the altar - 7/31/2008 1:42:26 PM
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pdpeanutty
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First of all, this topic jumped off the page at me and hit me upside the head like a ton of bricks....
I recently got engaged and originally planned on getting married in less than 6 months. Let's just say life got in the way and for now the wedding is postponed for the moment. I am still engaged, and we live in the same home, although we are living seperately if you know what I mean.
"When someone shows you WHO they are the first time, believe them."
I have no idea who said this originally, but it is something I believe with all my heart.
I don't think how long you know someone has anything to do with how well a marriage will work out for you. I just don't think "time" is what makes a marriage a good idea.
The man I am engaged to is someone I have known for about 30 years. We have been friends but don't really "know" each other. Over the years we have run into each other quite a few times considering the different paths our lives took. I believe God let our paths cross for a lot of different reasons over the years for a reason, one which I don't completely understand but will not now or ever question. This time though, instead of our paths crossing I think they collided....
Let me give you a little background on me....
I am a 43 year old divorced mother of three children I raised alone. All are now adults living their own lives. I have been divorced for more than 21 years now. I chose this path because I believed that my children were my priority and not me. I worked and did all that I could to provide them with a home and all that they needed and that gave me complete satisfaction in life. The idea of living my life "alone" didn't bother me then and doesn't bother me now. I have found a peace in my life over the years and my life is full and happy and beautiful whether or not I am in a relationship with this man.
I crossed paths with the man I am engaged to a little over 3 years ago when I began working in the same place he was. Several months after I got the job I was diagnosed with Stage III Metastatic Breast Cancer and fought the hardest battle I have ever had to fight to live this life I have today. During the time I continued to work and even when I was too sick to work, I recieved encouragement and kindness and tenderness and prayers and friendship from my finace through email and other correspondence. At the beginning of this year, his "tone" in our correspondence changed and our friendship was going in a brand new direction for both of us. It was wonderful and beautiful and frightening and a whole lot of other emotions all rolled up in one huge roller coaster ride of " OH MY, I think I am falling in love here.... HELP, what do I do now"????I am sure there are a few of you who must know what I mean by this.
Well anyway, to make a long story short, we lived in two seperate cities and I made a trip "home" and we went out to dinner and talked and laughed and I was shaking in my shoes the entire time and loving every minute of it and so was he, in fact much more than I imagined as later in the evening, he proposed... I was caught completely off guard but didn't even hesitate to say the least.. I said "YES".... Didn't even give it a second thought.
We spent the next several days together, talking, watching movies, being quiet and not saying anything, and really for me just enjoying his company. I spent a week in town and loved every minute I spent with him and when it was time to come home, I cried for 140 miles. I had never felt so lost and empty and sad.
For 25 days we went back and forth through email and texts and IM and the next thing I knew he was calling me telling me he had quit his job and was on his way here. He has been living in my home for a little over 2 months now. We are home together a lot of the time. Sadly though as the months have slipped by, we seem to have grown farther apart and not closer together and this saddens me a great deal. Less than a month after we became engaged, I was already having doubts about whether or not I was willing and ready to marry this man, or anyone for that matter.
There have been a great deal of RED FLAGS raised for me.. too many for me to remain comfortable in continuing to plan our wedding and I am the one who postponed the event. I won't go into much detail but I will say that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am truly in love with this man and that I want to be his wife and I want to share my life with him. My problem is that I don't think he has the same thing in mind that I do and my gut is telling me this is all wrong and I NEVER doubt my gut. I am continuing our engagement because I love him. I don't believe that just walking away is the answer and I truly believe that most of these red flags are issues that as a couple we can work through.
I don't believe in premarital sex so therefore we are not sleeping together. I believe that our relationship is on some very rocky ground right now and that with love and acceptance and some guidance and prayer and hard work on both of our parts that many of the issues which caused me to postpone our wedding can be ironed out and dealt with and that they will become non-issues if given the opportunity.
I also believe that all of this has to be done 50-50 and I am not sure he even understands what that means. This man infuriates me and pushes me sometimes daily to anger and tears. I have found him to be childish and irresponsible and selfish and these are things that shouldn't be going on considering our ages, etc., which makes them all the more infuriating.
Red flags or not, I don't think just walking away is the answer. I do believe that he and I both have a great deal of work to do. I am for instance, independent and strong willed and stubborn and not very gracious and not as apologetic as I should always be. But in my own defense, most of this is due to being alone and having to survive for all these years and as far as an apology goes, I won't offer one if I don't feel I owe you one.
I do not believe he should be judged and I think that in someways, he holds on to his past which is keeping him from moving forward in his life and this is a sore subject with me to say the very least. Both of us in our pasts have strayed from God in a lot of different ways and I am not here to judge him. All I am saying is you can't call yourself a Christian and not do the work that God asks us to do in order to call ourselves Christians. I think my biggest issue with him is his dishonesty about being a Christian. He wants the world to see him as a Christian but behind the scenes he does things he knows full well are not Christian at all. Unless and until we can come to terms with this, I do not see us getting married any time soon and in all honesty at all.
I think sometimes this sounds unfair but I will not jeopardize my walk with God for the love I have for this man. Honesty is a huge thing with me. It's not something I can just overlook.
Where I am running in to a brick wall is what to do about him living in my home. I pay the rnet and the bills here and buy the groceries and do the largest majority of the cooking and cleaning. He doesn't offer to help with the rent or bills and will buy groceries but not smartly if that makes any sense. He does wash dishes and makes his bed and things along those lines but this is not enough in my opinion for someone who claims to love me and wants to share my life. Because of my cancer, I am on disability and live on Social Security. I do not feel that it is proper, especially since I postponed our wedding for him to continue to live in my home, nor do I feel that he can see there are things that need to be done or stuff that needs to be purchased but will only do so if it directly impacts him.
Example: I have two small dogs. He makes more in 2 weeks (nearly 150.00 more) than I live on for a month and the dogs ran out of food yesterday. I don't get my check until tomorrow and instead of him taking his cash and buying a small bag of dog food to get through, he bought some beer and breakfast out at a restaurant. He is now "broke" until tomorrow as well. This morning I fed the dogs leftovers and made them some gravy with beef broth. It made me cry. It's just wrong... Maybe I shouldn't look at it that way but I do. Dog food is not all I am out of and perhaps better planning would have prevented this issue, but then again, my check is going to support three adults and two dogs and I think I shouldn't have to ask for help from someone who lives free of charge in my home.
So I would like some suggestions and some feedback and some guidance here. Please..
I look forward to hearing from you with a heavy heart...
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RE: How to know God's Planning and timing in Marriage? - 7/31/2008 1:52:56 PM
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AlwaysR8chel
Posts: 4442
Joined: 4/11/2005
Status: offline
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quote:
There have been a great deal of RED FLAGS raised for me..
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...... I think you already know where your life is heading....
Trust yourself.
Trust God... the very One who gave you those 'gut feelings'....
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RE: Rushing down the altar - 7/31/2008 2:27:33 PM
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laura...
Posts: 2842
Joined: 3/1/2005
From: NE Ohio
Status: offline
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quote:
So I would like some suggestions and some feedback and some guidance here. Please..
I look forward to hearing from you with a heavy heart...
Your heart is heavy because you know the truth...
Those red flags are flying high with the words "he's a bum" written all over them.
Instead of exhibiting the promise of supporting you as a husband-to-be should do, he's exhibiting the promise that he will leech off of you. Like you quoted: "When someone shows you WHO they are the first time, believe them." He is showing you who he is.
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This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’ Jer 6:16
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RE: Rushing down the altar - 7/31/2008 5:16:36 PM
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narnia
Posts: 546
Status: offline
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quote:
I understand that the bible is God's written word, but how do we know if he is leading and guiding us to marry a certain person?
Easy...ask God that if it is not His will that you marry, that He do something to break up the relationship. That's what I did.
My dh and I met and married within a year. My mother had died 8 months before I met dh. Most people would say not to do that, and I had concerns myself so I prayed a lot, every step of the way.
I asked God that if this was not what He wanted to do something to break the relationship. In fact I prayed that a few times during our relationship, some of those times after we were engaged. I wanted to be sure it was of Him, and it was.
So if you really want to know if you should marry someone, ask God to do something to end the relationship if it is not His will. But you need to be willing to follow Him if He does break it off. And as others pointed out, not many people really want to do that.
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Domestic Diva, according to our Forums Mother!
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RE: Rushing down the altar - 7/31/2008 5:40:05 PM
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DreadPirateRandy
Posts: 7735
Joined: 6/5/2006
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: narnia
...ask God that if it is not His will that you marry, that He do something to break up the relationship. That's what I did.
I did this as well. It's been almost a year later, and I have God's most beautiful creation as my own.
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The lunatic, the lover, and the poet, are of imagination all compact.
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RE: Rushing down the altar - 7/31/2008 5:53:38 PM
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narnia
Posts: 546
Status: offline
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VitaminR,
Wonderful! You are the first person I've met that did that too.
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Domestic Diva, according to our Forums Mother!
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