Not so Flattering Epiphany

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lowcountry-salt -> Not so Flattering Epiphany (6/28/2008 5:11:32 PM)
I dont know if there is anyone elso on here that has ever experienced this but I recently (last night in prayer all night) realized that I am not nice. I am the antithesis of what I wanted to be. I am a jerk. I have a wonderful faithful wife who I have been mean to for several years passing it off as merely being a perfectionist. Last night I realized that I have been unable to be pleased and I have made this wonderful, Beautiful ( and I mean ridiculously, can't stop looking beautiful) faithful Christian woman, very sad because she feels like I cant be made happy. I dont know when I became the caricature of the driven professional but it happened. I need help in becoming a a better man. A kind man who serves without grumbling and smiles through unpleasant things. A man who doesn't have to show he is right or another is wrong. My heart is sick with the damage I have done and I just want to fix it. Any advice appreciated.

bzirk -> RE: Not so Flattering Epiphany (6/28/2008 5:38:05 PM)
Good news, brother. The Lord is there and was there, and He has the answer. Plus, isn't it great when the Lord convicts? It's never with condemnation. It's Godly sorrow, and it does lead to a turning (repentance) to the Lord for our absolution and guidance. If you're looking for more practical advice, then the only thing I can tell you is to keep your eyes on the Lord and ask Him to show you how to walk through each day. You didn't get to this place overnight, and you won't walk out of it overnight, but you can continue to walk with teh Lord and seek forgiveness from your wife. From what you said, I'll bet your wife will forgive you. The real issue is dealing with the aftermath -- meaning the conditioned responses that your family has to you. I'm not a husband. I'm a wife, but I know what it means to come to the realization of being wrong, being a jerk. It is a freeing thing, and the Lord is so good not to condemn us with our shortcomings. But our family can very definitely still be in habits in how they respond to us and that can be very hard to deal with. We just won't it all to go away and quickly because it's so painful, but that's not usually what happens. Trust in our new behavior, our better behavior, has to be built, and that means some time has to pass. I pray the Lord gives you great wisdom as you walk through this, and I know He will. More than likely you are going to have to acknowledge the grace you've received from Him on a daily basis. Many blessings, and I hope you're blessed by this: quote: Romans 15 13Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

mvic -> RE: Not so Flattering Epiphany (6/28/2008 8:21:19 PM)
Here's something to start with. Print out what you have just said about yourself to all of us. Show what you have printed to your wife. Sit down and discuss it with her. If she is a "wonderful, faithful Christian woman" as you say; she will help you improve. One more thing: pray together. God bless.

ChoirDJ -> RE: Not so Flattering Epiphany (6/28/2008 8:43:57 PM)
I think it would go a long way with her to simply acknowledge what you have learned about yourself and apologize sincerely to her without excusing any aspect of your behavior. Then you show her with you deeds that you are truly sorry. It helps to have spiritual men in your life to work through frustrations so you wife (and family if that's applicable) doesn't become the punching bag. May God bless and you of course need to thank Him for giving you a gracious wife.

3cappuccinosmom -> RE: Not so Flattering Epiphany (6/28/2008 10:11:03 PM)
quote: I think it would go a long way with her to simply acknowledge what you have learned about yourself and apologize sincerely to her without excusing any aspect of your behavior. Then you show her with you deeds that you are truly sorry. It helps to have spiritual men in your life to work through frustrations so you wife (and family if that's applicable) doesn't become the punching bag. I agree. And persist in being kind and loving, because she may test you, or she may resent your mean behavior and fall to the temptation to return some of that meanness to you. But now that you recognize what is wrong, you know how to fix it, and that's good news. [:)] And kudos to you for recognizing your sin, admitting it, and wanting to change!

SmyLynn1 -> RE: Not so Flattering Epiphany (6/28/2008 11:34:50 PM)
I just want to say that you gave me a moment of hope. I feel pretty sure that she will fall on her knees and thank the Lord for answering her prayers. She has probably been praying for you daily. Her prayer probably centered around having the Lord touch you in a way that will get him back on the path the Lord wants him to follow. Lastly she prays that her love will be just what you need to help you stay on track because of most importance is your soul. I'm making an educated guess because of my own similar experience. May God bless you as you ask for forgiveness.

Covaan_Meshuga -> RE: Not so Flattering Epiphany (6/29/2008 1:56:13 PM)
Wow! You! And what everyone else has already written! Bless you!

evryknee -> RE: Not so Flattering Epiphany (6/29/2008 3:48:06 PM)
I agree. Change begins when you confess/repent first to the Lord and then to the offended party (your spouse). You cannot not love. Most of the love, up to this point, has been directed towards self. After repentance, be sure to direct your love in self-sacrifice towards your wife. Learn how she wants to be loved, and go for it. Offering and seeking forgiveness when necessary (humility). Praise God for His work in you.

Jemtree -> RE: Not so Flattering Epiphany (7/1/2008 1:40:47 PM)
My husband has to be the most unjerkiest person I have ever met, and here is what he does for me: He actually listens very carefully, stopping all activity when I say I need to talk. This has taken years, but now he is faithful to do this. He takes my concerns seriously. He builds me up when I am having a rough day. He supports me and stands up for me when anyone verbally or mentally attacks me for any reason. I feel very safe with him. He buys me gifts that fit my personality, he has taken the time to really get to know and appreciate me for who I am. He loves me for who God made me to be, not what God made me to look like. He tells me he loves me very often. He supports me when I want to do something that puts a bit of strain on our family, especially if it's something I really want, and/or feel led by God to do. Like, teaching violin when called upon to do so, or performing for various Christian functions and concerts, and he watches our kids with no complaints. He would rather I not work at all, but will support me completely if I choose to work. these are just a few things. If you learn and then speak her 2 love languages to her, she will feel appreciated. :) Just some suggestions that my husband does that have made our marriage spectacular. :)

slushie -> RE: Not so Flattering Epiphany (7/2/2008 7:37:48 AM)
I agree with all the above posters. Sit down with her and talk about what you posted. Pray, pray, and pray. It takes time to change. But at least, it starts with knowing where you need to change.

Covaan_Meshuga -> RE: Not so Flattering Epiphany (7/2/2008 12:23:29 PM)
Okay. Allow me to be honest here, please. When we first married, I had a particular idea of who my husband was. As a result of that idea, I would often look at him and say, "I really respect you." And it came from my heart. A couple years later, I quit saying that. I had my reasons, and they were legitimate. In fact, I nearly left him. No details are necessary. He would not face his issues, because the church we were in made it impossible. I got kicked out; he left. Outside of that church, he was eventually able to face his issues. It took years of work on his part, but he has done it. Now, we have had 21 years of marriage. Last night, I looked at him and for the first time since those times so long ago, I said, "I really respect you." And it came from my heart. And it's funny: I saw a little more change in him last night and this morning.

Sadey -> RE: Not so Flattering Epiphany (7/3/2008 8:58:58 AM)
Get Dr. Eggerich's book Love and Respect. I think it will help. What a blessing to read your post and know not only is God workng in your life, you are willing to listen. You will be so blessed by the change as will your wife and kids.

lowcountry-salt -> RE: Not so Flattering Epiphany (7/7/2008 2:16:04 AM)
Thank you all for the advice. A little over a week in and things are changing. I keep repeating the phrase "all in". I mean I dont want to leave anything back. My whole life in. Some parts of me resist but it is working and it is changing the way my marriage exists. Hopefully soon there will be other relationships but truthfully, my wife is all I have asked for. I dont want to get caught up in trying to be liked by all. That can be a red herring, innocuous looking and deadly. All in, no self remaining. Thank you all again.

APZR -> RE: Not so Flattering Epiphany (7/7/2008 11:19:55 PM)
When was the last time you slowed down, gone out on a date with your wife without a cell phone, gone on a vacation like an inclusive resort where everything is prepared, you don't even have to make a sandwich for lunch, so you can concentrate on each other? I can tell you love your wife, but you are bringing your work battles home. If you need, take an hour or so to do something before going home so that you don't take your work anger home. Sometimes I'll stop by the gun range. Some times I go out to work in my garden before fielding questions from my family. Sometimes I go home and ask if anyone wants to take a slow cruise on the boat for a little while. What ever you do, you can't take work home.

bzirk -> RE: Not so Flattering Epiphany (7/10/2008 2:58:19 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lowcountry-salt Thank you all for the advice. A little over a week in and things are changing. I keep repeating the phrase "all in". I mean I dont want to leave anything back. My whole life in. Some parts of me resist but it is working and it is changing the way my marriage exists. Hopefully soon there will be other relationships but truthfully, my wife is all I have asked for. I dont want to get caught up in trying to be liked by all. That can be a red herring, innocuous looking and deadly. All in, no self remaining. Thank you all again. (emphasis mine) Wisdom talking in that comment. When John the Baptist said, "He must increase and I must decrease (John 3:30)," he was referring to the progressive aspect of sanctification. Many blessings to you as you walk this out, and hopefully, you will realize more and more what a process it really is and learn to count it joy -- even the not so flattering epiphanies, which afford you more knowledge of the Lord.

Covaan_Meshuga -> RE: Not so Flattering Epiphany (7/16/2008 7:19:11 AM)
How's it going, Salt?

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