RE: Husband isn't sure he wants to be married (Full Version)

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Hislittleone -> RE: Husband isn't sure he wants to be married (7/21/2008 5:34:03 AM)

I'm sorry you are going through this. The first year of marriage is said to be the most difficult and in my experience it surely was one of the hardest. Part of what's going on could be that he's just having trouble adjusting to married life but I would be very concerned about the lying and hiding and lady friends he won't give up. Those just aren't things a married man (and a Christian one, no less) has any business doing. How would he feel if the shoe were on the other foot? I bet he wouldn't like that too much.....

Have you brought up the idea of going to counseling together? If so, what was his response?



Nmbr1wife -> RE: Husband isn't sure he wants to be married (7/22/2008 2:30:40 AM)

That is a very sad situation to be in. It is really unfortunate that he has doubts considering you are already married. If he isn't cheating, but is genuinely not happy, then he needs to make the situation right. I'm not saying divorce is okay, but if his issue isn't anything that you guys can work on I don't see what else can be done. Him just feeling he married the wrong person isn't the same as you being a little selfish or something of that nature. The husband's job is to love his wife and the wife is to support her husband. If he feels he does not and cannot love you, you guys have to make a move. Pray about it and speak to your pastor.



vahunter70 -> RE: Husband isn't sure he wants to be married (7/22/2008 12:37:05 PM)

I am so sorry that you are going through such difficulty in the early stage of your marriage.

Sister, trust me. The enemy of us all, Satan, wants nothing more than to rip your marriage apart. The marriage is the covenant between husband and wife, also symbolic of the covenant Jesus has with His Followers.

Regarding your husband's actions, please try to speak to him about them, AFTER having prayed to Almighty God for guidance and for the words of the Holy Spirit. Your husband is not acting in a manner that a Godly man chooses to portray.

Lastly, pray FOR your husband. Pray that God protect and guide him. Pray that God open his eyes to his responsibilities. Pray for the Holy Spirit to intercede for him.

Prayer is the foundation of miracles.

YSIC,

Virginia



mrsmatt323 -> RE: Husband isn't sure he wants to be married (7/22/2008 1:28:19 PM)

I asked him about marriage counseling and he said "most definitely not, I will never go see a shrink". I told him marriage counseling wouldn't be like a shrink but he didn't want to hear it. I think it's his male ego trying to tell him he can handle but he can't. He tells me he wants to be happy and I ask how I can help make him happy and he says he just wants things to get better. I ask how we can do that and he says he doesn't know. He told me that had we not have gotten married we wouldn't have still been dating now or even engaged.
This is not the first time he's told me he thinks he's made a mistake. We'll talk for hours and then he'll want to cuddle and he'll say things will be ok, we'll work it out. This past time, he wanted to cuddle but he didn't say things would be ok. I asked what we are going to do and he said make it better. I asked how, he said again, I don't know.



laura... -> RE: Husband isn't sure he wants to be married (7/22/2008 4:27:55 PM)

Personally, I would pack his bags and tell him when he decides he wants to be married to me he can come back. Until then...bye bye. Why? Because the emotional instability of the relationship would be impossible for me to live with. I'd rather have him gone than perpetually half way out the door. Not to mention...what if you get pregnant and he is still half way out the door?



mrsmatt323 -> RE: Husband isn't sure he wants to be married (7/23/2008 7:54:20 AM)

If I tell him to leave he will not come back...that's not what I want. I want this to work even though it feels like he's just days away from telling me it's over. I will fight for this marriage as long as I can. I can't imagine God wanting this marriage to end in divorce but if my husband doesn't get that thought of him making mistake marrying me out of his head, we are headed for disaster.



evryknee -> RE: Husband isn't sure he wants to be married (7/23/2008 9:07:07 PM)

quote:

I asked what we are going to do and he said make it better. I asked how, he said again, I don't know.


Follow up questions/statements: "Would you like to know?" If so, "If we could have the answers, would you like them sooner or later?" If you need help with your computer, will you bring it to a computer expert? If you need help with the car, would you bring it to a car expert (mechanic)? Then, if you need help with a relationship, wouldn't you go to a relationship expert (counselor)?
If still no, then perhaps making some plans to read some Christian relationship / marriage books or other books relating to this situation and then talking about them.



dorothy007 -> RE: Husband isn't sure he wants to be married (7/24/2008 9:51:25 AM)

Yes, the thing of it is, you are married now. All bets are off. A man or woman can seem like the best thing that ever happened, but, honestly, when you get married things change. My husband says and does things that blow my mind! And Im sure I do that too. 1 month after we were married, we had the big (why are we married? fight) Things were said like (we can't afford a divorce). We didn't (and don't) pray together or study the Word, but, you know he's my husband. The day after that fight we found out we were pregnant, and we are christians, so, of course divorce talk took a back seat. Did having a child make the problems go away...no. But were still here together, trying to work it out. Someone else on here said it's a commitment to God. That is true. Hang in there.



mrsmatt323 -> RE: Husband isn't sure he wants to be married (7/24/2008 12:48:31 PM)

He doesn't seem to want to work on this. My husband is a HUGE talker, he will talk your ear off. Recently, he hasn't been talking to me at all. I found out through his cell phone bill who he's been talking - two of his single female friends, several times a day. (I found this out this morning.) I'm not sure how to approach him about this, every time I bring something up he takes it as an attack then he starts telling me his heart feels nothing and his head says he made a mistake and so on. I'm so tired of taking the back seat to everything in his life. He should be talking to me, sharing with me not with these women (he, by the way, told me awhile ago that he can't text, call or IM me during the day because he's too busy...however these conversations he has with his female friends are during the day while he's at work and for several hours at a time...). I don't understand, and I don't know what to do. He doesn't want to go to God for this (he told me he doesn't think God is the answer to everything) and he won't go to counseling. I'm at a loss. He says he trying but he's really not. It's almost like he cringes every time I ask for a kiss or a hug. I'm so confused, so hurt, so disappointed I just want my husband back. I just want him to love me again.



laura... -> RE: Husband isn't sure he wants to be married (7/24/2008 2:10:39 PM)

quote:

My husband is a HUGE talker, he will talk your ear off. Recently, he hasn't been talking to me at all. I found out through his cell phone bill who he's been talking - two of his single female friends, several times a day.


Yep...marriage is putting a damper on his single life.

quote:

He doesn't want to go to God for this (he told me he doesn't think God is the answer to everything)


He just doesn't like the answer he knows God will give him.

quote:

he won't go to counseling


Because a counselor will give him the same answer he doesn't want from God.

quote:

then he starts telling me his heart feels nothing and his head says he made a mistake and so on.
quote:

It's almost like he cringes every time I ask for a kiss or a hug.


He's more than half way out the door.

I am so sorry you are going through this terrible time. You are in my prayers.



Sadey -> RE: Husband isn't sure he wants to be married (8/2/2008 2:06:22 PM)

He is abusing you and then making you feel that it is all your fault. I know you want this marriage to work but you may have to do as Laura suggested and get tough with him. I guess I'm wondering why you are letting him beat you up emotionally so badly? Do you have family or friends to support you?

Please get Dr. Dobson's Love Must be Tough. I think it will really help you to see what is really going on here.

You may have to let him go to get him back. Would you go for counseling without him? I sure hope you will, you need someone on your side in this.
God bless you as you go through this.



JerrynDolli -> RE: Husband isn't sure he wants to be married (8/2/2008 3:14:50 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mrsmatt323
[color=#660033]
My husband told me today that he isn't sure he wants to be married to me. I kept asking him if he loved me and if he was committed to me and he never answered. I asked if there was someone else and he said, that one women was enough. I asked him if I had done something and he said no, it's just that he is just struggling with how we are together.
I don't understand.
I don't know what to do.



You're in my prayers Mrs. Matt... eleven years ago... I remember those words. The great thing is yours stated it isn't another woman, boy how I had wished mine would had said the same thing.

It was by the grace of God I did not turn to anyone but Him(Jesus) to go through the trail of separation and ultimately divorce. But, the good thing is that your husband stated it was not another person.

What you need to do is run into the arms of Jesus, and search your heart and he honest about the events that lead up to this point. Ask the Lord for revelation. Sometimes it is not always the wife's fault... sometime it is the stress of life that husband can not cope with (finances, work, and health problem). All I know just keep being faith to the Lord. Continue to rehearse in your heart... God all I know is that you are good no matter what I am going through. Lord I refuse to allow satan still my testimony of loving you. My worth is not who a husband or people say I am. My worth is in who you say I am... I am worth so much... You had your Son My Savior die for me. Oh God have mercy on my Husband and me both. Bring us to our senses to repent of anything that is hinder us from serving you wholeheartedly with our marriage. God this is your marriage not ours... Lord please restore. Though you can not go against the will of a person... Lord have mercy to convict us of sin and convince us of our need of Jesus's Righteousness to get through.

Mrs. Matt... I do wished I had interceded for my ex more. Though we were unequally yoked and the Lord told me not to marry him... and I did in disobedience... because I loved him (though he never really loved me). I just wished I did not let my hurt of his rejection keep me from praying more. I just accepted his decision and thought myself humble by letting bygones be bygones... and not hating him was good enough. Well, my ex past away... alone I'm afraid... the woman he left me for was no longer in his life. I just hoped he turn to the Lord. So pray and intercede... it is always good. Purpose not to hate him and allow the Lord to love you back to life. And remember, guard your heart from the men satan sends to so many women who've been rejected by their husbands with the sole purpose to destroy their testimony of being faith to the Lord during the season of separation.

Pray that your husband has no peace in this separation until he gives Jesus the opportunity to work within your marriage. Communicate with love... don't nag him... don't beg him. Give a soft answer always. You know many adulters still mens hearts from their wives by speaking smooth, soft words... building them up and having an ear of understanding. Please to don't allow satan use your voice as a voice of anger, complaining or nagging.

The Holy Spirit is our teacher, so ask Him what and how to speak with your husband. If you need to repent of past attitudes that are not representative of understanding wife... then apologize and ask the Lord to soften his heart to forgive.

Now if he has committed the sin of adultery or has been abusive, then again ask the Lord to convict and give him no peace until he repent. Go to the elders of your church. If you feel your confidence will be compromise with church gossip... then go to another church where you are not known... a bible believing teaching chruch (Sound Christian doctrine) for counsel.

God is able. God is a good of restoration. Repentance brings Restoration in so many areas of our lives.


quote:

I don't understand, and I don't know what to do. He doesn't want to go to God for this (he told me he doesn't think God is the answer to everything) and he won't go to counseling. I'm at a loss. He says he trying but he's really not. It's almost like he cringes every time I ask for a kiss or a hug. I'm so confused, so hurt, so disappointed I just want my husband back. I just want him to love me again.

Again, I realize he stated that he was not seeing anyone, though you found numbers. Just realize it would not be only you he would have lied to, but God first. If this is the case again, well realize God is merciful and good, but He is also a God of Wrath. So for his sake I hope he does repent. My ex treated me as you so stated in the quote above. The Lord gave me Isaiah 54 and I place that within my heart and it kept me faithful and pure. It was three long years of solitude and waiting for change. After he put me away with divorce... the Lord was merciful enough to reward me with a wonderful husband who cherishes me. People made fun of me because I would not go on dates during the separation. But remember God is Holy and he rewards those who obey. So do not compromise stay within the boundaries that God has set in place. God will reward you with either a repented husband or more grace to accepted a better situation in the end. People do not fear God enough... my ex husband did not. The scripture is real... adultery will lead people to the grave. I did not get the opportunity to know if he repented. I hope he did. Because salvation is more important for him then our marriage restored.


My heart goes out to you my sister,
In Christ Jesus
Dolli



Christian30 -> RE: Husband isn't sure he wants to be married (8/2/2008 10:46:27 PM)

When I'd been married 3 months I didn't want to be married either, and same with my wife. I felt I'd made a mistake, but I was wrong. It took me a long time to adjust to our marriage in 1985 (long time ago), but we did work at it and have been happy for most of our 23 years. The first year was tough, and we had a rough time in 2005-06, mostly due to difficulties with adult children.

We committed our marriage to the Lord, put Him first (even with great sin struggles), and He did work things out for us. It was not easy though. Marriage takes much work on the part of both parties.

Keep in mind that many people feel as your husband does. He was just open enough to tell you, though I don't know that he should have.

As others have said though, you do need to work at making your marriage successful.



mrsmatt323 -> RE: Husband isn't sure he wants to be married (8/3/2008 8:05:32 AM)

Thank you all for words of encouragement and prayer.

He told me last night he wants a divorce and he wants me to leave. (He owns the house and he's owes more then he could sell it for. He said I could leave and he would take all the debt...how nice of him). I left everything for him, I left my family, my friends, my stable job to marry him and move to his state. Now he wants me to pack up and go back and start all over again. I don't have a choice. My parents and best friend are coming to help me pack while he's at work. He said he'd take care of all the divorce paperwork.

I can't believe this is happening to me. I'm so in love with this man even though he's taken advantage of me and used me. Please pray for my heart that it heals and please pray I will stop loving him.



JerrynDolli -> RE: Husband isn't sure he wants to be married (8/4/2008 8:52:02 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mrsmatt323

Thank you all for words of encouragement and prayer.

He told me last night he wants a divorce and he wants me to leave. (He owns the house and he's owes more then he could sell it for. He said I could leave and he would take all the debt...how nice of him). I left everything for him, I left my family, my friends, my stable job to marry him and move to his state. Now he wants me to pack up and go back and start all over again. I don't have a choice. My parents and best friend are coming to help me pack while he's at work. He said he'd take care of all the divorce paperwork.

I can't believe this is happening to me. I'm so in love with this man even though he's taken advantage of me and used me. Please pray for my heart that it heals and please pray I will stop loving him.




Again Mrs. Matthew
I truly ache for you. As I so stated earlier... run to Jesus, never forsake Him. He along is able to walk you through this. And He is able to restore peace to you soul.

Pray for you husband... he may think he will obtain liberty (freedom) from being burden down with marriage... but, God doesn't play around with individuals who take the marriage vows lightly. He hasn't seen anything yet, if he is in financial trouble now and think walking out on a marriage is going to resolve that issue.... well, He is missing the point of obedience brings blessings. The blessing of God giving him wisdom of how to walk both on you unto the road of financial stablities. This real estate down turn has affected my homes... and God needs he's people to stand in faith... even if they mad bad financial decisions. He need His people to show the world that we do not lose hope... that the Lord our God is our Hope and just as he help Issaac prosper during the time of famine in a foreign land... God can help his people to prosper during this down turn in our economy. Your husband is trying to resolve the problem himself and probably getting advice from those individuals who haven't the wisdom of
God. Obedience, repentance brings forth God helping us to turn our messes into blessings. It might take time... but, there are consequences for sin. But, He promise to walk with us through the fires. In this disposable society... when things get rough, individuals throw out that which they think is causing them the pain and problem (not looking in the mirror and own up to the blame or problem as themselves).

My child... though it hurts for a moment... It is truly God he is sinning against. Stay faithful to your walk with God and God will restore you in more ways than you can imagine. When a man finds a wife he finds favor with the Lord...throwing away a marriage because of financial hardship is not the answer. And if you were part of the finances going array...then acknowledge it and repent.

May have lost everything to move to be with him, but God can restore more than you had at the beginning. Read the book of Job. Just make sure you don't blame God and praise Him for doing a good work in this situation... even if you cannot see it now. Stay faithful and pure during this season. God will reward you in the end. Do not fellowship and depend on men to get you through this trauma... that is where your husband is failing... talking to women. God is real and to be feared about His children breaking the marriage vows.

Adultery... as your husband will discover, if he is doing such. Brings financial destruction and sometimes death.

Pray for his soul... he is really in endanger of great chastisement from our heavenly Father he does not repent.

The best solution for people who wrong us is forgiveness, blessing them by keeping our mouths off of them (gossiping) and allow God have His way. Pray for mercy upon your husband... Because God is Real and a God of Wrath... not just Love. Vegenance is in God's Hand and he comes down on those who hurt the innocent. So pray as our Lord did for us who nailed him to the cross. Father for them for they know not what they do.
Your husband may not know what he is doing, for fear of financial diaster.

I don't know, God knows... so let's leave in our Master's hands. Just make sure you stay faithful and committed to obey. Trust Him and Obey and he will allow all work together for your good... because you love Him... to love God is to Obey Him.

Peace my Sister In Christ Jesus,
~Dolli



carl54 -> RE: Husband isn't sure he wants to be married (8/10/2008 7:49:52 PM)

You should get an attorney and seek advise as to whether or not you should leave. I don't think I would. I would tell him he should leave since it is his decision. With a swift attorney they could probably get him to pay the mortgage if he leaves. The legal system would not look at what he is doing to you favorably at all. I don't think you should simply roll over and make things easy for him. He is a big boy, let him learn to live with the consequences of his decision.



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