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kissar2001 -> Password sharing (7/13/2008 6:36:36 AM)

I just had a mini fight with my spouse because I do not want (at this point in time) to share the password to my laptop with him. [:(]. He is angry and says that he lets me have his password but I do not do the same. (Well, I did not really ask him for them). I do not want to give him my password since I consider this my personal space and feel that I need that... I journal and vent on the computer and have also recently started writing some stories. I do not want him to read these since I have never let anyone read my journals and sometmes I say nasty things about him when I am uset with him. Things that I think would upset him if he read. But most of all, I think it is so that I have a sense of having something personal that is private. A place that I can write and express myself without fear of being misunderstood. I also use the computer for work and it has some research that has patient identification features/albeit of some patients I no longer see).
Someone tell me, I am I crazy in refusing to give up this last thing? (Of course if I am away and he needs to get into my user, I will share the password, but that has not happened yet and I put the files we need to share in the shared folder.)



3cappuccinosmom -> RE: Password sharing (7/13/2008 7:27:46 AM)

Well, I don't think you're crazy (because of patient privacy issues), but I think it's a shame you have something to hide (writing nasty stuff about him). [:(] I know it feels cathartic when you do it, but I really don't think it's helpful to you or your marriage.

My dh knows my password, and if he ever asked to see stuff I've written for my journal/blog, or what I've written here on CW, I'd have no problem showing him.



dianetavegia -> RE: Password sharing (7/13/2008 7:45:46 AM)

My husband and I use two passwords everywhere. The one is where they insist on alpha and numeric and the other is our usual password. We don't set up the computers to ask for a password to come on.

Why can't you use a password on the forums where you vent and put your writings in a folder on your computer that he wouldn't find unless he went looking for specific things.

I think it's a shame you have to hide things from your husband. Instead of writing ugly things about him that you don't want him to see, consider this:

Matthew 15:10 When He had called the multitude to Himself, He said to them, "Hear and understand: 11 Not what goes into the mouth defiles a man; but what comes out of the mouth, this defiles a man." 12 Then His disciples came and said to Him, "Do You know that the Pharisees were offended when they heard this saying?" 13 But He answered and said, "Every plant which My heavenly Father has not planted will be uprooted. 14 Let them alone. They are blind leaders of the blind. And if the blind leads the blind, both will fall into a ditch." 15 Then Peter answered and said to Him, "Explain this parable to us." 16 So Jesus said, "Are you also still without understanding? 17 Do you not yet understand that whatever enters the mouth goes into the stomach and is eliminated? 18 But those things which proceed out of the mouth come from the heart, and they defile a man. 19 For out of the heart proceed evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness,



Sideways -> RE: Password sharing (7/13/2008 8:28:32 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: 3cappuccinosmom

Well, I don't think you're crazy (because of patient privacy issues), but I think it's a shame you have something to hide (writing nasty stuff about him). [:(] I know it feels cathartic when you do it, but I really don't think it's helpful to you or your marriage.

My dh knows my password, and if he ever asked to see stuff I've written for my journal/blog, or what I've written here on CW, I'd have no problem showing him.


I agree you need to protect patient privacy, and if you were writing a lot of nasty stuff about him in a blog, I would probably caution about that, too.

But if you are only writing to yourself as a means of venting/release, then I don't think he should have access to your journals. And I don't think it's necessarily bad for your marriage that you vent into your journals, in fact in can be quite healthy.

I personally believe a spouse should have some right to privacy, though be careful that is not abused. Don't be sharing with the whole internet what you would not share with your spouse, and don't let your journals be a place where anger can build up and fester.

Reasure your spouse that you are not doing this to hurt him, you just need a little privacy. Talk extensively with each other on your feelings on the issue. Perhaps you would be willing to compromise? You can share your stories with him, but ask that your journals remain only between you and God.



Consecrated2God -> RE: Password sharing (7/13/2008 8:32:26 AM)

Here's are some more verses for you to consider:

Luke 8:17 For nothing is hid, that shall not be made manifest; nor anything secret, that shall not be known and come to light.

Luke 12:2 But there is nothing covered up, that shall not be revealed; and hid, that shall not be known.

Luk 12:3 Wherefore whatsoever ye have said in the darkness shall be heard in the light; and what ye have spoken in the ear in the inner chambers shall be proclaimed upon the housetops.

When you shut your spouse out of part of your life, you are breeding distrust. He is going to be wondering what you are hiding from him. It's going to hurt your marriage. Writing things you don't want him to see is not only useless (because of the above verses), it's not worth whatever benefit you feel you receive from it.



Sideways -> RE: Password sharing (7/13/2008 8:37:30 AM)

I still contend that a journal is a private thing and should remain so. If it helps her to have a place to vent, she should do so there, before taking things out on her husband. Plus, if she has private things she wants to work out in her head about patients or a good friend, I don't think the husband should be going through her journal.

Privacy in a marriage can be abused, but I don't think a journal is an abuse. God knows everything, but by the time we are all called up to Heaven, I doubt the husband will care about some fight they had in their 30's.



WhiteRoseBlessings -> RE: Password sharing (7/13/2008 8:42:13 AM)

Welcome to the threads, kissar2001!

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sideways

I agree you need to protect patient privacy, and if you were writing a lot of nasty stuff about him in a blog, I would probably caution about that, too.

But if you are only writing to yourself as a means of venting/release, then I don't think he should have access to your journals. And I don't think it's necessarily bad for your marriage that you vent into your journals, in fact in can be quite healthy.

I personally believe a spouse should have some right to privacy, though be careful that is not abused. Don't be sharing with the whole internet what you would not share with your spouse, and don't let your journals be a place where anger can build up and fester.

Reasure your spouse that you are not doing this to hurt him, you just need a little privacy. Talk extensively with each other on your feelings on the issue. Perhaps you would be willing to compromise? You can share your stories with him, but ask that your journals remain only between you and God.

I very much agree with Sideways' post.

Blessings,
Sharon-Marie



WhiteRoseBlessings -> RE: Password sharing (7/13/2008 8:43:43 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sideways

I still contend that a journal is a private thing and should remain so. If it helps her to have a place to vent, she should do so there, before taking things out on her husband. Plus, if she has private things she wants to work out in her head about patients or a good friend, I don't think the husband should be going through her journal.

Privacy in a marriage can be abused, but I don't think a journal is an abuse. God knows everything, but by the time we are all called up to Heaven, I doubt the husband will care about some fight they had in their 30's.
And again, I agree.



WhiteRoseBlessings -> RE: Password sharing (7/13/2008 8:54:08 AM)

And while it may seem contradictory to my previous posts in this thread (but really isn't), I will also say that trust is a very important issue in a marriage; both the giving of trust and the receiving of trust.

As a personal example . . . my late husband kept journals; both on his computer and via paper-bound books. He also had "private" areas that were only for him (a drawer in the bureau, etc.) His computer was not password-protected nor did he lock up his journals. I had access to everything, yet, while he was alive, I never looked at his writings (neither via computer nor actual journals) unless he invited me to do so for a particular entry. Nor did I ever look through any of his private areas in the house.

And vice-versa with me. My computer was not password protected nor were my journals locked up. He had access to everything (my writings, my private places, etc.), yet he never abused that access.


What I'm wondering, Kissar . . . is there a reason that you are not trusting your husband to not look at your journal? Or are you choosing to not trust him without any reason? If so, with either question, then I would encourage both you and your husband to look at whatever the situation may be and to work it through.

Trust is so very vital in a marriage.



CoeurdeLeon_ -> RE: Password sharing (7/13/2008 9:05:05 AM)

Just sort of thinking out loud here...

Is your husband thinking along the lines of - you could have inappropriate online interaction and he'd never know?

Often, when someone is unwilling to give us access to a part of their lives, we imagine all sorts of things that aren't true. We think "What could she possibly be doing that she doesn't want me to see?" And then our imagination fills in the blanks with the worst, most devastating things we can come up with. He might think your vents are nothing at all compared to the things he'd been imagining.

Can you protect your journals and patient info while letting him have access to all the rest, web history, etc.? Would that satisfy him?



Szaftoo -> RE: Password sharing (7/13/2008 9:40:09 AM)

Welcome.
I have a document saved in our computer with all of our passwords and other information we may need and we can both access them at any time. I doubt my husband is interested in my journal but I wouldn't care if he looked at it.
I don't think the issue here is privacy but why you have a need to talk negatively about your husband. Saying nasty things about him isn't healthy for a marriage and could build up a wall between you. If you have issues with him or his conduct, you should speak to him about it.



Sideways -> RE: Password sharing (7/13/2008 9:41:22 AM)

My husband is an electrical engineer and extremely computer savvy. He was rather upset that you aren't encrypting your patient data and your journal while you're at it. A password would barely slow down a person like my dH, were he not an honest man, and laptops are easily stealable.

After church I'll post more, but you really should take better steps to protect your patient data. If that's taken care of, you can always give your husband his own account on the computer that doesn't include work information and your journal. If this laptop belongs to your work, he shouldn't be messin' with it anyways, and I'd strongly advise you not put your private stuff on there.

But hubby has some very good suggestions for encryption software that you might want to install.



MC4JC -> RE: Password sharing (7/13/2008 9:59:50 AM)

This is a touchy subject, but I feel that you should not have things hidden in a marriage. Trust is very important. When you plant seeds of possible mistrust (by refusing to give a password) you are planting seeds of doubt that would hurt your marriage.

I think that it doesn't hurt to be totally honest with him. Tell him what you've told us - that sometimes when you get mad at him you do say unkind things in your journal - things that he might be upset to read and that you would prefer him not to be reading it. Give him the password, trust him, but be honest. If you tell him what's there (not the exact words) he probably will not read it, but at least you've given him trust in you.

If this anger is a frequent thing, then you might have other issues in your marriage that need to be worked out.



kissar2001 -> RE: Password sharing (7/13/2008 11:25:46 AM)

Thank you all for you suggestions and advice.
I guess what irked me most is his insistance on having the password. On occassions in the past, I have given him the password when he needed to get into my user. The demand for a password is as much a lack of trust as the denial of one. And as for our spouses knowing everything in our journals and in our lives, I do not think that that is biblical in anyway. I know te bible says that the two become one but since the Lord gives us two different brains and that remains so even after we are married, I think somethings can stay between Him and I.
As for everything being put out in the open, well, that will be when the Lord returns and since He already knows what I write, that is not a problem for me. Of course it is desirable that I share everything with my husband, but I am not at that point yet. I however agree with Sideways in that journals are sacred.. otherwise I would have to seek the audience of a counsellor or a friend to talk about my deepest fears and concerns and to vent... and I prefer to write.
Thanks Sideways for helping with the security issues, I look forward to hearing from you after church.
Just to say that apart from my journal and my patient stuff, there is nothing else I would mind him looking at, it is just that I want to retain some autonomy...



Covaan_Meshuga -> RE: Password sharing (7/13/2008 11:51:05 AM)

In the past, my husband and I had some issues, the result of which was that I locked him off my computer. He does not have my passwords, and I don't intend to give them to him -- at his request. Even though he has progressed far from those days, he has not requested access to my computer, so that is fine with me.

I also have another area of privacy: my purse/wallet. It is really offensive to me for someone else to get into such things.

Further, I would be stunned if he began to dig around in my closet, chest-of-drawers, or computer desk.

I am not hiding things; it's just that some things are really personal; some things are within personal boundaries. We are married and one in the L-rd, but we remain individuals. I do not believe that when I married, G-d took away my personhood or my individuality; what He did do was enhance my existence with the addition of someone near who loves me enough to respect me and recognize my personal space.

However, with regard to continually venting about your husband, be very careful. I have come on CW and vented, in order to gather opinions and information, but venting for the sake of venting will destroy very important elements of a close relationship.



Hislittleone -> RE: Password sharing (7/13/2008 12:16:36 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Consecrated2God

Here's are some more verses for you to consider:

Luke 8:17 For nothing is hid, that shall not be made manifest; nor anything secret, that shall not be known and come to light.

Luke 12:2 But there is nothing covered up, that shall not be revealed; and hid, that shall not be known.

Luk 12:3 Wherefore whatsoever ye have said in the darkness shall be heard in the light; and what ye have spoken in the ear in the inner chambers shall be proclaimed upon the housetops.

When you shut your spouse out of part of your life, you are breeding distrust. He is going to be wondering what you are hiding from him. It's going to hurt your marriage. Writing things you don't want him to see is not only useless (because of the above verses), it's not worth whatever benefit you feel you receive from it.


I agree with this. Wouldn't it be possible to simply ask your husband to not read your journal and look at the patient files? Also, how would you feel if your husband refused to give you the password to his computer to the point that you had a fight about it?



Sideways -> RE: Password sharing (7/13/2008 12:31:05 PM)

She could ask about the journal, but work related matter is an entirely different story. She has a professional responsibility to protect that information. If my husband's work info was even available for me to read, he could loose his job. It doesn't matter whether or not I read it, he could even go to jail for not taking adequate measures to protect such sensitive data.

Kissar, my husband wasn't feeling well after church and he is napping now. When he is up and about, I'll ask him to post his encryption program recommendations.

I would be curious about anything my husband locked me out of, but if he simply said "It's my private journal, please keep out." I would. If a spouse doesn't respect such a request, then the couple has bigger problems. But I don't see a problem removing the temptation by keeping the journal encrypted.



manda59 -> RE: Password sharing (7/13/2008 12:45:18 PM)

I'm just curious - for how long have you been married and was this something you discussed before you got married?



Covaan_Meshuga -> RE: Password sharing (7/13/2008 12:52:44 PM)

I am wondering, too: why can't he set up his own password on the computer? Why does he need yours?



hnt -> RE: Password sharing (7/13/2008 2:20:25 PM)

I would wonder WHY he would want them to begin with? I mean its my patients records, and my personal journal should be enough.

Why the push for the password?

Why would he push for that anyway?

I have to admit my curiousity antennas would come up as to WHY it would be worth getting upset over if he knew what it was, and insisted on having the passcode to access them.

That to be would be odd, and getting upset about NOT having those passcodes seems a bit irrational to me!



Sadey -> RE: Password sharing (7/13/2008 2:57:49 PM)

There seems to be lots of mistrust floating around doesn't there? I'm on the computer all the time and my husband doesn't even know how to turn it on and probably doesn't know about passwords. He doesn't question me about what I'm looking at or doing. We've been married 40 some years and we never did grill each other about what we were doing ect ect. I don't go through his billlfold and he has never been through my purse. It just never occured to us, I don't understand this total lack of privacy between spouses. Sometimes I think people are just way too intense about everything.
Now if I thought my husband was cheating, I would just follow him with a shotgun but I wouldn't question him. Besides if someone is going to commit adultery, they sure aren't going to tell their spouse the truth if questioned.
Well Kissar I'm with you and I'm afraid the more he insisted the more I'd resist just because I'm that way. So I understand your feelings and agree with you. As far as venting about him just make sure you don't keep it too long, you know you could die in an accident and that would be a terrible thing to leave behind for him to find. Could you vent and then delete?
I knew a lady who after she died, her daughter found a notebook she had left with every single thing her husband had ever done to make her mad. What a sad testimony to leave.
I'm just too afraid to put much personal on a computer anyway. Who knows who is lurking out there in internetland.
Hope your husband understands. Is he super controlling? That may be why he iinsists.



shadowspring -> RE: Password sharing (7/13/2008 3:15:36 PM)

quote:

The demand for a password is as much a lack of trust as the denial of one.


We have no secrets.

When I journal, I write on real paper with a real pen. It's in my dresser. He has never looked, but it is not locked either.

I can ask for any password at any time and I will not be denied. The same goes for him. I will deny him nothing, though I would warn him if I had written something that might hurt him to read.

But mostly, I think if I found myself writing something cruel or unkind that would be a huge red flag to me, and I would repent and throw it away rather quickly.

I do not at all understand people who keep secrets. Transparency is one of my highest values. I live my life like an open book. I respect other people who choose to live openly and honestly as well.

I guess that's why it will never be an issue in our marriage. We both value openness and integrity in all things. Probably why we were attracted to each other in the first place. [;)]

Edited to add: While we do not routinely go through each other's purse/wallet, I would never hesitate to tell my hubby to get something out of my purse, nor he to ask me to be in his wallet. Far from a lack of trust, it springs from feeling 100% safe with each other, FYI.



manda59 -> RE: Password sharing (7/13/2008 3:17:19 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: kissar2001
.. I journal and vent on the computer



Does anyone else read this journalling and venting - ie is it on the net and able to be read by one or more others - or is it totally private, only able to be read by you?



Roberta_ -> RE: Password sharing (7/13/2008 3:48:06 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: WhiteRoseBlessings
What I'm wondering, Kissar . . . is there a reason that you are not trusting your husband to not look at your journal? Or are you choosing to not trust him without any reason?


I wondered this too.

quote:

When I journal, I write on real paper with a real pen. It's in my dresser. He has never looked, but it is not locked either.


That's how I journal. I would prefer that no one ever read my journaling, however, I know that there may be someone who might. My rule is that if you read something in my journal that you don't like, that's your problem to deal with. If you invade my turf, then you have to deal with the consequences.



truthrevealed -> RE: Password sharing (7/13/2008 3:51:28 PM)

shadowspring...I'm with you! I also journal on paper and pen and I don't mind my husband reading it(he knows it all anyway...I've even read to him many pages of my journal). I agree that we should have privacy as individuals in marriage my problem is with not being WILLING to share information. My husband can have a password to a computer(which he does not) or whatever but if I ASK what type of information is on it...I expect to for him to divulge that information(and I'm certainly not referring to the personal, private information of others). If my husband would prefer me not to read HIS journal I believe it's respectful to honor his wishes but only if there's a foundation of trust, HONESTY and OPEN communication already in our marriage. If I'm having an issue with my husband...HE KNOWS!!!! and if he has one with me...aside from God knowing...I expect to know. Now certain "particulars" may be kept private in a journal(i.e venting)but whatever is causing strife, hurt, offense in a marriage the other person MUST know! And it's better that they know BEFORE bitterness, resentment and unforgiveness gains root in your heart because EVERYTHING in the heart WILL be MANIFESTED AND REVEALED......at some point anyway!



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