Marriage Uncertain...Husband Initiated Divorce Talk (Full Version)

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huntermom2727 -> Marriage Uncertain...Husband Initiated Divorce Talk (7/14/2008 4:34:59 PM)

My DH and I have been married for 10 years this August. We have two kids together -- 7 and 8. We have our issues...and the same ones tend to recur over and over. When we argue or "talk", we usually end up on the front porch for hours late into the night hashing out our differences. The kids are stuck inside alone, we end up tired the next day - although we always make up. I love him very much. He loves me too.

Last night, I could tell there was something wrong with DH and he asked me outside to talk. He said he wanted to find out what I "really want". He said he's been thinking a lot about our marriage and how we can't seem to go more than a week or so without having one of our marathon "talks". He seems to think that, once the kids are grown and gone, we may be likely to get a divorce anyway. He says that he'd rather get an amicable divorce now and remain friends than to wait another 10 years and then realize how much time we wasted. We have both admitted that there have been times in our past when, if not for the kids, we probably would have divorced. But neither of us necessarily think that would have been the right thing to do. -- When we talked last night, there wasn't much emotion from him...not hard...just like he had really thought this out logically and was trying to be pragmatic about it instead of emotional. That kind of scared me b/c he's never come to me like that about the subject of divorce.

I don't want a divorce, but I can understand him not wanting to continue going the way we are. He said he's not saying he wants one either, but he wants to either fix this and know (as well as we can) that we will be happy being in this marriage for life or split up and each be happy before we go any further.

In a way, this seems so ridiculous and surreal because we love each other very much. The great times we have together are really great. There's never been any infidelity involved. We're both Christians from a very strong Christian upbringing although we haven't been in church regularly in a while.

He won't go to counseling...I've asked several times. I can't afford it anyway.

The thought of being without him makes me sick to my stomach...I would miss him horribly. The thought of him eventually being with someone else drives me insane. Not to mention the effect it would have on the kids. He says they would be fine, and I'm sure they would, but that worries me.

My instinct is to dig my heels in and fight for this marriage. I don't want to lose him -- but I see his point. We "talk" a lot.

Any expert advice is appreciated. More than anything, please pray for us. This is tough.

Thanks.



laura... -> RE: Marriage Uncertain...Husband Initiated Divorce Talk (7/14/2008 5:01:50 PM)

quote:

The thought of being without him makes me sick to my stomach...I would miss him horribly. The thought of him eventually being with someone else drives me insane.


Tell him that.

quote:

Not to mention the effect it would have on the kids. He says they would be fine, and I'm sure they would, but that worries me.


No. They wouldn't be fine.

quote:

My instinct is to dig my heels in and fight for this marriage.


Good intinct. Dig in and dig in hard.

Before you go any further in "divorce" talk get the facts straight about the effects of divorce on your children (short and long term) and any future "happiness" you two think may be possible.

quote:

We're both Christians from a very strong Christian upbringing although we haven't been in church regularly in a while.


Get yourselves back into a good church pronto. Wednesday night would be a good time to start. If you have a church that you just haven't been attending then call the Pastor IMMEDIATELY.



Apparition -> RE: Marriage Uncertain...Husband Initiated Divorce Talk (7/14/2008 5:05:40 PM)

I can't give you any expert advice because I've only been married for a few months myself.
But with that said, I think you do need to pray and seek the Lord's guidance in this situation.

If you would hurt so badly without him and it makes you insane to think of him with another woman, then have you made that known to him?

Are both of you very conscious of the vows you made to each other and before God when you were ordained husband and wife?

Have you guys looked to the scriptures on the roles of a husband and a wife and are you aware of Jesus's grounds for divorce?

I think that counseling would be good for both of you, and if he won't go then maybe you can go yourself. At least you would be fighting for your marriage. I can't tell you what you should do in this situation, I can only tell you what *I* would do, and that is fight and to seek the Lord. I'd talk to husband, and then the pastor of your church (if you have one), and then a marital counselor.

I wish you peace and good luck.
I know in my heart that God is wanting your marriage to last, and He wants to help.



huntermom2727 -> RE: Marriage Uncertain...Husband Initiated Divorce Talk (7/14/2008 5:17:27 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: laura...

quote:

The thought of being without him makes me sick to my stomach...I would miss him horribly. The thought of him eventually being with someone else drives me insane.


Tell him that. -->> I have.

quote:

Not to mention the effect it would have on the kids. He says they would be fine, and I'm sure they would, but that worries me.


No. They wouldn't be fine. -->> That is my thought too. Especially our son...he is so tenderhearted.

quote:

My instinct is to dig my heels in and fight for this marriage.


Good intinct. Dig in and dig in hard.

Before you go any further in "divorce" talk get the facts straight about the effects of divorce on your children (short and long term) and any future "happiness" you two think may be possible.

-->> I am going to dig in. I have read multiple articles on the effects of divorce on children and it breaks my heart. I don't see me being happy without him - I don't want anybody else...or a single life. I might be able to learn to live again one day, but being happy like I know I can with him, no way.

quote:

We're both Christians from a very strong Christian upbringing although we haven't been in church regularly in a while.


Get yourselves back into a good church pronto. Wednesday night would be a good time to start. If you have a church that you just haven't been attending then call the Pastor IMMEDIATELY.


-->>You are so right. I attended church for over a year with the kids without him, then got discouraged and got back out again. We need to be there as a family, but it is so hard. He knows we should be there, but some bad experiences at some churches in the past have soured his view on church altogether and a Sunday here or there has been the most he's gone in years.

Thank you for your advice and prayers...



huntermom2727 -> RE: Marriage Uncertain...Husband Initiated Divorce Talk (7/14/2008 5:26:49 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Apparition

I can't give you any expert advice because I've only been married for a few months myself.
But with that said, I think you do need to pray and seek the Lord's guidance in this situation.

If you would hurt so badly without him and it makes you insane to think of him with another woman, then have you made that known to him?

-->> Yes, I have. He is working late tonight and said he would wake me up when he got home so we could talk about this some more. It's killing me...my day at work has been awful. My thought is to pour my heart out on paper and just lay it all out in front of him when he gets home -- as a starting point for our conversation.

Are both of you very conscious of the vows you made to each other and before God when you were ordained husband and wife?

-->> Yes...we are - although I doubt that he has much thought of it that way to this point.

Have you guys looked to the scriptures on the roles of a husband and a wife and are you aware of Jesus's grounds for divorce?

-->> We are addmitedly backslidden (probably part of the problem), so that has not been the foremost argument against divorce...but we both know what the Bible says about the roles of marriage and the grounds for divorce.

I think that counseling would be good for both of you, and if he won't go then maybe you can go yourself. At least you would be fighting for your marriage. I can't tell you what you should do in this situation, I can only tell you what *I* would do, and that is fight and to seek the Lord. I'd talk to husband, and then the pastor of your church (if you have one), and then a marital counselor.

-->> Unless something has changed his heart, he won't go to counseling. I would go if I could afford it - but I can't. The one pastor we had for years growing up is no longer at the church we attended and we no longer consider that our "church home".

I wish you peace and good luck.
I know in my heart that God is wanting your marriage to last, and He wants to help.


-->> Thank you for your kind words and encoragement. I appreciate your input. Please keep us in your prayers.



ChoirDJ -> RE: Marriage Uncertain...Husband Initiated Divorce Talk (7/14/2008 5:55:00 PM)

Hello huntermom2727...the best piece of advice I could give you after working in a job where I deal with these types of situations day in and day out is to "do something different". Many people end up getting divorced because they get tired of going around in circles and they lose hope that things will ever be different. Stop arguing with him huntermom2727 because it takes two to argue. All arguing is is two people bent on making their points and refusing to back down until the other caves in. If your marriage is going to survive this, you need to figure out what you are going to do differently since what you have been doing has not produced the results you are wanting.

I am not in anyway suggesting that you are to blame for the problems but at the end of the day, you are the only person you can change. You (yes, there's a lot of emphasis on that word because it's the key to change) have to forget about trying to change him right now simply because it hasn't worked. You say he's not willing to go to counseling so that eliminates one possible avenue right there. He probably doesn't want to go to counseling because he knows he's going to be confronted on what he is doing wrong. There are a lot of great books out there on marriage and perhaps reading one together will be an easier pill for him to swallow than counseling. I'm sure someone will post on what some of those books are but I heard many positive things about "His Needs/Her Needs" and "The Five Languages of Love." Keep in mind that just because you married him, you didn't aoutomatically come into the relationship knowing how to love each other so you need to learn. You resolving to be a better christian, wife, mother may or may not change his mind about the divorce but God will bless your attempts to make every effort to live at peace with him. You owe it to yourselves and the children that will be devastated if your marriage doesn't survive. Even if he is not willing to take any of these steps right now, you be the bigger person by doing these things. If "diggin your heals in" means doing the same thing harder and with more intensity then before, this marriage is doomed to fail. So many people I talk to say that if they had known divorce was going to be as painful as it is, they would have tried harder to salvage the marriage.

I hope this works out but it's up to you to start doing something different. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again (such as endless arguments about the same thing) and expecting a different result.



evryknee -> RE: Marriage Uncertain...Husband Initiated Divorce Talk (7/14/2008 6:07:32 PM)

You've had some excellent advice - I'll re-emphasize the digging in your heals, going to counseling for yourself (try to afford it, explore the options), doing things different, going back to church, and focusing on changing you. If you change, he will change.

You both don't want to fight anymore, so the options are to give up, or fight for peace. Fight for peace. With God, all things are possible!



huntermom2727 -> RE: Marriage Uncertain...Husband Initiated Divorce Talk (7/14/2008 6:12:20 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ChoirDJ

quote:

If "diggin your heals in" means doing the same thing harder and with more intensity then before, this marriage is doomed to fail. So many people I talk to say that if they had known divorce was going to be as painful as it is, they would have tried harder to salvage the marriage.




No - by digging my heels in, I mean telling him how I feel...talking...doing whatever I have to do to show him that our marriage is worth saving and that I do love him more than anything -- not giving up on him or our marriage.

It is funny that you mention change so much in your post...that has been a large factor in our marriage troubles. I have never tried to change him in many, if any, ways. He, on the other hand, has some views of how I should be/act that I have not always agreed with and some that I have admittedly resisted. I have tried to be a more submissive wife and to adapt to being the wife that would make him happy, and in several ways, I think I have succeeded in making our life together better in that way, but I have made the statement "I feel like I'm having to change everything for you" and "I can never just be myself", "Why can't you just love me for me" and "I'll never be good enough" on more than one occasion. None of these words has been uttered lately (in the last couple of months), but I know they play a role in the recent thoughts of divorce he is having.

Is the role of a wife to adopt her husband's views on all important matters or to simply comply if she doesn't? That has been my approach thus-far. I figure the Lord put him as the leader of our home, so I will trust the wisdom and guidance that He will give him to lead us properly. At times, I get very frustrated with it...but I LOVE HIM and I know he only wants what's best for us - even if I think his opinions are misguided.

In any event -- I really didn't think our marriage was to the point that he'd want to have this conversation so seriously with me. I am willing to do WHATEVER at this point.

I appreciate your insight and comments very much...please keep us in your prayers.



MC4JC -> RE: Marriage Uncertain...Husband Initiated Divorce Talk (7/14/2008 8:21:38 PM)

If you go by the Biblical reasons for divorce its either (1) adultry or (2) abandoment/abuse of the marriage. In your case, neither is happening.

While you can't afford counseling, you're other choice is your pastor to help you and your husband out. If he's still unwilling, then you have to allow him to leave - if he goes and does not want to return, its abandoment.

Are both you and your husband active in church? Have you talked to your pastor?



ChoirDJ -> RE: Marriage Uncertain...Husband Initiated Divorce Talk (7/14/2008 8:36:40 PM)

huntermom2727...you make some good points.

I don't think you necessarily have to adopt your husband's views because you are two totally different people. What I am saying is don't sit there an argue about it for hours on end. Have your say and then make yourself unavailable to argue about it. I would say that you have to pray for him and allow him to lead the relationship unless he is asking you to do something wrong or sinful. Your husband will make some good decisions and he will make some poor ones and that's where he will eventually learn there's prudence in listening to his wife's input more.

If he is pointing out valid concerns about things you are doing than you should respect him enough to listen to him as well. Remember that you are changing to be your best for God, not because you are a weak woman. I certainly don't get that impression of you. His listening to you is not going to happen by locking horns with him for marathon talks because the more disrespected a man feels the harder it is to not shut down and disregard what you say even though you may be right. You can accomplish so much more by trusting God, getting on your knees and asking Him to intervene when you are not being treated fairly. Trust me...He will humble your husband in ways that you may never be aware of. I speak from firsthand experience because I had a major problem with pride when I first got married. God put His hand down upon me until I became a broken man.

Hang in there and get on those knees in prayer and let God deal with your husband.



carl54 -> RE: Marriage Uncertain...Husband Initiated Divorce Talk (7/14/2008 8:51:56 PM)

The "talks" you have been having are poisoning your marriage. You both love each other but you have not learned how to live together. What is in the center of your "talks"? Is it a battle of wills? Control?

Surrender yourselves to each other. Focus on pleasing each other and not pleasing self. Make it your aim to delight one another. In an argument each side is fighting to win -- that does not go well in a marriage. Surrender, surrender, surrender! That will end the fight. Remember, it takes two to make a fight. Replace your will to disagree/fight with a desire to satisfy and delight your partner. It sounds like you are both ready to surrender, but that doesn't mean leave the marriage. Surrender the fight and replace it with loving/selfless acts towards each other. It takes too much energy to fight...that's why you are both so burned out. Loving is a lot easier once you get into the swing of things.



Jhud -> RE: Marriage Uncertain...Husband Initiated Divorce Talk (7/14/2008 8:59:59 PM)

If you can get him to do anything together, I would reccomend a Love and Respect conference, or at least the videos; it's amazing how your viewpoint can change when you begin to understand how one's spouse both hears and communicates with you.



huntermom2727 -> RE: Marriage Uncertain...Husband Initiated Divorce Talk (7/15/2008 9:28:54 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MC4JC

If you go by the Biblical reasons for divorce its either (1) adultry or (2) abandoment/abuse of the marriage. In your case, neither is happening.

While you can't afford counseling, you're other choice is your pastor to help you and your husband out. If he's still unwilling, then you have to allow him to leave - if he goes and does not want to return, its abandoment.

Are both you and your husband active in church? Have you talked to your pastor?



As I said earlier, the kids and I haven't been in church regularly in a couple of years -- my husband in about 10 years. We were both raised in strong Christian homes and are Christians ourselves. I asked again last night and he will not go to any kind of counseling or pastor, etc.



huntermom2727 -> RE: Marriage Uncertain...Husband Initiated Divorce Talk (7/15/2008 9:37:53 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ChoirDJ

huntermom2727...you make some good points.

I don't think you necessarily have to adopt your husband's views because you are two totally different people. What I am saying is don't sit there an argue about it for hours on end. Have your say and then make yourself unavailable to argue about it. I would say that you have to pray for him and allow him to lead the relationship unless he is asking you to do something wrong or sinful. Your husband will make some good decisions and he will make some poor ones and that's where he will eventually learn there's prudence in listening to his wife's input more.

If he is pointing out valid concerns about things you are doing than you should respect him enough to listen to him as well. Remember that you are changing to be your best for God, not because you are a weak woman. I certainly don't get that impression of you. His listening to you is not going to happen by locking horns with him for marathon talks because the more disrespected a man feels the harder it is to not shut down and disregard what you say even though you may be right. You can accomplish so much more by trusting God, getting on your knees and asking Him to intervene when you are not being treated fairly. Trust me...He will humble your husband in ways that you may never be aware of. I speak from firsthand experience because I had a major problem with pride when I first got married. God put His hand down upon me until I became a broken man.

Hang in there and get on those knees in prayer and let God deal with your husband.



My husband has always been, in the past anyway, the kind who would not rest until we had made up or come to an agreement about something. If something was bothering me, I couldn't just say, "Oh, it's nothing, I'll be fine" and just leave it at that. If he could tell something was bothering me, even if I told him it was petty and my mood was just off, he would keep on until he got it out of me. I agree the talks are poisoning our relationship but at the times when I would be happy to simply agree to disagree, he would keep it going and see me as not caring if I were to make myself "unavailable" to finish out he conversation. We've always had to resolve whatever the issue was and make up before he was ok. This was kind of a sweet quality because he so wanted to be close and didn't want anything to come between us. Now he's acting so differently. Just two weeks ago he sent me an e-mail from work saying how much he loves me and that nobody could have a better wife/mother and he and the kids are so lucky. Now this. I am just so very confused and bewildered.

I wrote him a 6 page letter last night laying everything out on the table. Taking responsibility and apologizing for anything and everything I could think of...telling him I would follow his leadership...letting him know how very much I love him and how I didn't want to lose him. It was very late when he got home last night, so he said we would talk about it more tonight.

I prayed this morning for God to soften his heart toward me and give me the words and spirit I need to make this work. I just can't stand this.



huntermom2727 -> RE: Marriage Uncertain...Husband Initiated Divorce Talk (7/15/2008 9:53:14 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: carl54

The "talks" you have been having are poisoning your marriage. You both love each other but you have not learned how to live together. What is in the center of your "talks"? Is it a battle of wills? Control?

Surrender yourselves to each other. Focus on pleasing each other and not pleasing self. Make it your aim to delight one another. In an argument each side is fighting to win -- that does not go well in a marriage. Surrender, surrender, surrender! That will end the fight. Remember, it takes two to make a fight. Replace your will to disagree/fight with a desire to satisfy and delight your partner. It sounds like you are both ready to surrender, but that doesn't mean leave the marriage. Surrender the fight and replace it with loving/selfless acts towards each other. It takes too much energy to fight...that's why you are both so burned out. Loving is a lot easier once you get into the swing of things.



I kind of responded to your "poisoning the marriage" comment on my previous post - sorry. The thing is, we don't have these talks all the time. The good times are really, really good. Loving, supportive, great. I know what you mean though. Yes -- it's partly a struggle of wills. He believes that I should agree with him on what he thinks are "important points". On some occasions, after too much arguing, I would just simply say that he is the head of the household and if God leads his heart to believe that way, then I would in faith believe that way too. Maybe we've just argued one too many times? I know I can be stubborn and prideful in an argument. I've apologized for that and have been trying to work on it. I don't know. This whole situation just seems strange. I don't know what set it off. I really, really don't think that he'd ever be unfaithful...but it's making me wonder since the change in him has been so sudden and strange. I try to keep that out of my mind because that would be the last thing I'd think.

I just hope I get the chance to have a next argument to surrender in. I want to be with him and us be happy. Just please pray for us.



BoxingNun -> RE: Marriage Uncertain...Husband Initiated Divorce Talk (7/15/2008 9:56:29 AM)

Wow..marriage is tough, me and my spouse has had our ups and downs..but We want to stay together FOREVER and keep on trying..not ALWAYS easy but
we keep working on it. Heres a page that helped a LOT to understand and theres more info about marriage that we put to work.

http://www.clearvisionbiblestudies.com/Inspiration/Inspiration_1.html

Look down to the middle topic where it says Love and marriage.
God Bless



ChoirDJ -> RE: Marriage Uncertain...Husband Initiated Divorce Talk (7/15/2008 1:24:46 PM)

Sounds like you are on the right track huntermom. You can let him know that although you don't agree with him on some issues, you will still allow him to lead the way unless of course he's asking you to do something wrong and sinful. The Bible teaches that pride breeds quarrels so I would imagine that pride is an issue for both of you. As you humble out he will have no choice but to humble out as well. Pray that God will reveal it if there's anything going on that you need to be aware of. I encourage you to continue praying that God would intervene in whatever way that intervention needs to happen. I emphasize the prayer so strongly because first and foremeost you both are in a spiritual battle and under spiritual attack by an unseen enemy. That unseen enemy has both of you thinking that each other is the enemy when you are really allies. Sometimes we approach the battle on the secular level when we need to fight with the spiritual weapons that actually have the divine power to demolish the enemy's strongholds in marriage. It sounds like you are beginning to "do something different" and you will find that you get a "different" result in due time. Then you'll be scratching your head and wondering "was that all I needed to do...why didn't I do this before?"



huntermom2727 -> RE: Marriage Uncertain...Husband Initiated Divorce Talk (7/15/2008 2:59:33 PM)

Thanks so much. I know you don't know me...but please pray for us. I am so sick over this. I have fasted today... I've not been very "religious" in a long time though so I feel a little like an idiot...but I want the Lord to hear my prayer.



stamper_ben -> RE: Marriage Uncertain...Husband Initiated Divorce Talk (7/15/2008 4:31:29 PM)

Take my word for it - He DOES hear.



ChoirDJ -> RE: Marriage Uncertain...Husband Initiated Divorce Talk (7/15/2008 4:41:41 PM)

Good huntermom...I mentioned submitting to your husband's leadership earlier and I want to make some comments on that because I know it is an issue for mny women here (and understandably so). In the world, submission is synomous with weakness whereas in God's design, nothing can be further fro the truth. When you submit to your husband, you are really submitting to God and what He tells you to do in His word and that always, always leads to a blessing.

The key for you huntermom is to have a submission that will stand the test of time because he likely will not change right away. That's why the goal needs to be on pleasing the Lord and not doing what you do to get him to change. Invite him to pray with you about your marriage if he is willing. In this way you two would be aligning yourselves against the true enemy rather than allowing the enemy to use you to destroy each other.

To this day, God continues to humble my ex to the point that I am so beyond being angry at her or hurt over what she has done. I grieve for the hardships she is suffering but I know she is reaping the consequences for years of sin and rebellion against God. The hardest thing for me to do when we were married was to stay the course and not let her sin be an excuse for me to sin.



VisitorinWaiting -> RE: Marriage Uncertain...Husband Initiated Divorce Talk (7/15/2008 5:05:41 PM)

Agree totally with ChoirDJ.

Will be praying...



huntermom2727 -> RE: Marriage Uncertain...Husband Initiated Divorce Talk (7/16/2008 12:29:01 PM)

Being submissive is at times very, very difficult for me. In the past, I have felt as though I was losing myself (my self identity) in changing and/or trying to change so much for my husband. I have never asked him to change for me. I also know I harbor bitterness because there are so many men (seemingly especially in the denomination and area where we were raised - Independent Baptist in Alabama) who seem to use the passages in the Bible re: wives being submissive to their collective advantage instead of also heeding what the Lord requires for husbands. I don't think he ever does that on purpose, but it makes me defensive when many issues are brought up and causes nothing but more strife and longer arguments. I can see that my change is the only thing that I can work on. In any areas, I have been able to change, but in many, I haven't -- all the changes I've made to this point still have not prevented our arguing and talking WAY too much and now I think he is afraid that it will never be any better. I'm even having my doubts now, but I don't want a divorce. I love him so very much. I think this has scared me sufficiently so that I will try harder to be more submissive and calmer (not so sensitive). It's still scary...what if I can't? Will I regret changing so much for my husband? He is afraid that I will. He almost seemed apologetic at times for "holding me back" (from being myself and from certain things he's not allowed me to do over the years). I wish he would go see a counselor or pastor, but he just won't. I'm also sure he would not approve of me going alone (I've mentioned it before). He probably wouldn't approve of me typing this out on a website either but I need to talk to somebody. This may be my last post because I want to respect his wishes (or what I think his wishes would be)...but we need prayers. I will check in for messages and make sure to update early next week.

His overall tone was better last night, a little more loving, but not the same sweet husband I'm used to. Still very pragmatic and logical...not emotional. He did call to check on me this morning and told me not to worry about this all day long that everything would be "fine". Told me he loves me twice. I guess that's a good sign.

Thanks for all prayers and input...please keep them up.



ChoirDJ -> RE: Marriage Uncertain...Husband Initiated Divorce Talk (7/16/2008 3:47:37 PM)

quote:

Being submissive is at times very, very difficult for me. In the past, I have felt as though I was losing myself (my self identity) in changing and/or trying to change so much for my husband.


I can only imagine how difficult it is for you and the other wives on this forum to submit to someone when that person is being more of a dictator than a true spiritual leader. My heart goes out to you all because I sort of faced the flip side of this in one of the ministries I was a part of. There's was a leader who was riding me like a horse based on how he perceived my ex was doing. Although my ex had bursts where she appeared to be doing well spiritually she never really soared. This leader even went as far as to say it was my fault she wasn't happy and that he could tell how I was doing spiritually just by looking at my ex. There were constant threats to relieve me of the responsibilities I had in the ministry at the time. I do believe the husbands are responsible for mangaing their household and therefore more accountable to God for how they lead but to say it is my fault that mx ex was not faithful to God was not biblical. Long story short, that situation left me feeling "emasculated" and my ex really exploited the situation to her advantage. She would threaten to not go to church or call this particular leader whenever we had issues and I didn't cave in to what she wanted so this set a very unhealthy dynamic for our marriage as she was clearly set up to be the leader. There were many other husbands who had experienced the same thing in this ministry and many of these marriages did not survive. It was the greatest blessing to come to the ministry I am at now because there is a much more balanced approach to emphasizing the marital roles. My point is that I can relate to how you must be feeling when the scriptures are applied in such a one-sided manner.

quote:

Will I regret changing so much for my husband?

Keep in mind that the change is about becoming the you can be for God, not your husband. And I don't believe you have to give up who you are as a person to do this. When the Bible instructs wives to submit to their husbands, I do believe that submission has to be within reason.

quote:

I wish he would go see a counselor or pastor, but he just won't. I'm also sure he would not approve of me going alone (I've mentioned it before). He probably wouldn't approve of me typing this out on a website either but I need to talk to somebody. This may be my last post because I want to respect his wishes (or what I think his wishes would be)...but we need prayers.


I understand the heart behind this post and it's very admirable but I would have to disagree on some points. You have to do whatever you need to do to stay strong spiritually. If this message board has been a resource in helping you to do that and it is not undermining your family in any way, then I see nothing wrong with you discreetly coming here for support in advice. I don't even see anything wrong with you going to counseling or talking to your pastor for help but if it's going to cause more problems thatn it will solve, than perhaps it's wise to put these things off. Once again, your greatest weapons are going to be prayer, time in God's word, and fellowship with other believers who can relate to you. If you can encourage your husband to pray with you at least for a few minutes each day, then that's all the better.



VisitorinWaiting -> RE: Marriage Uncertain...Husband Initiated Divorce Talk (7/16/2008 4:54:40 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ChoirDJ
Keep in mind that the change is about becoming the you can be for God, not your husband. And I don't believe you have to give up who you are as a person to do this.


YES, YES, YES. More later, but just wanted to emphasize this.



huntermom2727 -> RE: Marriage Uncertain...Husband Initiated Divorce Talk (7/21/2008 9:27:12 AM)

Thanks, Visitor for your lengthy PM and responses to my questions. I totally understand all you're saying, but I'm afraid we are past the point of redemption. He keeps telling me not to blame myself, but I can't help it. There are so many things I regret (again, infidelity is not an issue on either side) and think if I had done/not done certain things or said/not said certain things, he would not feel the way he does now - and would still be with me. He says he loves me, but I am afraid that is not enough for him anymore. As of today, we are separated. Getting back together is a possibility, but doesn't look likely at this point. I am so remorseful and regretful for the things I've done/said in our marriage that have brought us to this point. I love him so very much and miss him. Please, please pray for us and our children. We told the children last night and they took it very well, but I know they are hurting in their hearts. Please pray for God's hand on them and on our situation. Thanks.



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