Boundaries.... What's Healthy? What's Not? (Full Version)

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Roberta_ -> Boundaries.... What's Healthy? What's Not? (7/15/2008 1:05:50 PM)

I'm just trying to establish some boundaries and stick to them. I've never been good at this. I've often wondered how and where to draw the line between healthy and unhealthy boundaries?



slushie -> RE: Boundaries.... What's Healthy? What's Not? (7/15/2008 1:26:28 PM)

Is this in a relationship?



Roberta_ -> RE: Boundaries.... What's Healthy? What's Not? (7/15/2008 1:33:06 PM)

I'm talking in any variety of relationships and not just me in general. Work relationships, home relationships, friendships, etc.



ChoirDJ -> RE: Boundaries.... What's Healthy? What's Not? (7/15/2008 1:40:14 PM)

I'm afraid your going to have to be a little more specific Denim...it really depends on the situation.



Roberta_ -> RE: Boundaries.... What's Healthy? What's Not? (7/15/2008 1:45:19 PM)

I'm looking for people to give their opinions of what a good boundary is and isn't.

If you want me to make up a scenario I can. However, I don't want people to think that it's a boundary only within that scenario.



Roberta_ -> RE: Boundaries.... What's Healthy? What's Not? (7/15/2008 2:20:52 PM)

It took me a few minutes to think a situation up......

You're in the store with your toddler. A stranger smiles at your toddler, maybe even waves or winks.

A- Should you slap the stranger upside the head and scream for someone to call the police because you're afraid this stranger may be a kidnapper?
B- Should you make an action (like smiling back politely or gently taking your child's hand) to make the stranger aware that you are aware of their presence?

I think even I know the answer to that one is B. [;)]



Roberta_ -> RE: Boundaries.... What's Healthy? What's Not? (7/15/2008 2:37:39 PM)

Some other times when boundaries may need to be set and how to set them.....

You let someone borrow your car for a quick errand and they wind up taking it all day or they wind up asking you several times a week and never putting gas in it?

Someone says they want to talk to you. Instead of talking, they wind up yelling at you and not giving you a chance to respond?



hotsaucygma -> RE: Boundaries.... What's Healthy? What's Not? (7/15/2008 4:03:52 PM)

I think boundaries can be different for different people- but when you don't feel good about something, it's time to set up a boundary.

For isntance, someone may be perfectly comfortable with their DS going into their purse and taking out money when needed/ I may feel like he took advantage of me if my DS did that. I would need to set a boundary that my DS could not go into my purse without my permission.

A person may feel very comfortable with a friend using their car/I may feel they are imposing on my friendship. I need to set a boundary that no one, or at least that particular person, can not borrow my car at all.

There may be people that I am very comfortable getting a phone call from every evening. Another that I do not feel comfortable talking to that often... again I need to set a boundary with the one I'm not comfortable with.

The person that is not feeling uncomfortable doesn't need to set a "boundary", the person feeling uncomfortable does. IMO.



Roberta_ -> RE: Boundaries.... What's Healthy? What's Not? (7/15/2008 4:24:11 PM)

Do anyone ever set boundaries for themselves?



hotsaucygma -> RE: Boundaries.... What's Healthy? What's Not? (7/15/2008 4:31:29 PM)

LOL, When I started setting boundaries, I got divorced...

But they were healthy boundaries.

Have you ever read the Cloud book on Boundaries? It is really pretty good. Our Singles Bible study did it one quarter, some good stuff.



Roberta_ -> RE: Boundaries.... What's Healthy? What's Not? (7/15/2008 4:36:50 PM)

Nope, I've heard of it though! I borrowed a friends copy once, but I didn't read it.



stampinlady -> RE: Boundaries.... What's Healthy? What's Not? (7/15/2008 4:37:59 PM)

I've learned the hard way that you have to set up boundaries with everyone, well most everyone. The bible says, "Don't throw your pearls before swine," a #1 boundary, imo. "Boundaries" is a great read as well as the one about safe and nonsafe people, by Townsend and Cloud. I'm gonna pick up "The Mom Factor" as soon as I can. I was never taught what boundaries were as a child nor as a teen and spent alot of my older teen years rebelling big time. I think it's very important to teach our kids about boundaries so they can grow into mentally healthy adults.



allisonbrett -> RE: Boundaries.... What's Healthy? What's Not? (7/15/2008 4:53:25 PM)

The important thing about boundaries is being realistic and consistent. When decided on what kind of boundary to set think it through. Are you willing and able to follow it or will you compromise? If you draw a line in the sand but keep erasing and re-drawing it, then boundaries have no affect.

The Boundaries book is a great read. I suggest you borrow it again or check it out at your library. You may find some great ideas.

Blessings! [:)]



pbaribeault -> RE: Boundaries.... What's Healthy? What's Not? (7/15/2008 7:21:18 PM)

A healthy boundary is about protecting (1) yourself, (2)your loved ones and (3) your ability to love well (not being overtaxed, upset or stressed out).

So, whoever you are and whatever is hurting, taxing, bothering, endangering etc. you...

Think it through. Are you just peeved and it's not really a problem usually? Is it a 'ministry expense' that you are willing to absorb? If it is neither of these then it needs to be limited in some way. Since you can't control the other person, you find out a way to enact your limit without asking them any favours. After that, you commit to sticking to it because you know it is the right thing to do.

Sometimes you enact this without 'warning' what you plan to do. Sometimes you explain afterward, sometimes you decide you don't need to explain yourself.

Some times you communicate calmly, "I don't like X and if you do it again Y will happen" or "I didn't like X and because you did it Y is happening."

Sometimes you let the person know what you would like them to stop as a favour, without letting them know that you have a plan for if they choose not to stop, like, "I don't like X. It makes me feel... because... and I really would like you to stop it. Thanks."

Sometimes you make a make-nice excuse, but stick to your plan.

A good boundary plan needs to be action oriented, self-protective and as calm as possible. It should be as close to exact as possible, so that you don't try to do it at your limit-of-coping, but before your limit is reached.



manda59 -> RE: Boundaries.... What's Healthy? What's Not? (7/15/2008 7:43:37 PM)

A basic definition of a boundary is that it's where you stop and I begin. It's about taking responsibility for ourselves and setting the scene so that other adults take responsibility for themselves and aren't enabled to look to us to meet their needs instead.

So, part of it is about being responsible for ourselves, but it's also about empowering the other person, affirming and encouraging their autonomy.



HisCovenant -> RE: Boundaries.... What's Healthy? What's Not? (7/15/2008 9:31:38 PM)

pbaribeault and manda stated what I wanted to say.

A boundry is about how much you are willing to "take" from others and where you are willing to draw the line to stop "taking it." It's about being consistent and being proactive instead of reactive. It allows the one you are setting a boundry against to take responsibility for themselves and to understand that you are not willing to play the victim in your relationship. It doesn't mean the other party will not victimize you, just that you are not bowing to the disrespect (whether passive or aggressive.) It's about knowing your place in Christ (special and high) clearly seeing when others are loving you and when they are using you, whatever the motivation. Boundries should be in place to protect yourself and others, including the one you are setting the boundry against... especially if it is a Christian bro or sis. After all, we have a responsibility to help each other be more Christ-like.



Roberta_ -> RE: Boundaries.... What's Healthy? What's Not? (7/17/2008 12:50:56 AM)

Is it possible to enforce too many boundaries at once?



HisCovenant -> RE: Boundaries.... What's Healthy? What's Not? (7/17/2008 9:30:19 AM)

No is the real answer, but yes is another valid answer. [&:]

No, because you need to be doing what is healthy for yourself and others in your relationships. It's not a pick one boundry and let everything else go.

Yes, is also true because you need to determine the boundries you need to have and exactly where it is right to draw the line... so you don't want to go gung ho all at once, unless you are in physical danger. For example, with my father my first boundry was to correct him in private when he crossed the line and not see him as often... then it moved to just correcting him whenever he crossed (in public and private) and no change in how often I saw him... if he had continued to cross the line, my next boundry probably would have been to lessen how often I saw him again. I had to find the right boundry for myself and to lessen the opportunities for evil without just totally throwing him out of my life, if possible.

IMO, it's like raising children. You have to find what works with each situation and with each personality, be consistent, do what you say you will do, pick your battles, etc.



agapetos -> RE: Boundaries.... What's Healthy? What's Not? (7/17/2008 11:11:17 AM)

quote:

You're in the store with your toddler. A stranger smiles at your toddler, maybe even waves or winks.
Kinda funny you should say this. I read just yesterday of a guy who'd taken his children to a fun day somewhere and was taking photographs of his children and was then accussed of being some kind of pervert.

quote:

You let someone borrow your car for a quick errand and they wind up taking it all day or they wind up asking you several times a week and never putting gas in it?
They wouldn't be borrowing it again for a very long time (however, it does kind of depend on circumstances)!
quote:

Someone says they want to talk to you. Instead of talking, they wind up yelling at you and not giving you a chance to respond?
Happened to me the other week. I had tried to interrupt them but gave up and let them say their piece. Then I calmly said my piece.

I think that something that needs to be taken into account with boundaries is that they are not static, they need to change and develop as time passes. The boundaries you set your children over time will change as they grow. It's also important that the other people involved know your boundaries and reasons why you set them.

I've set boundaries in my health care and needs. They are unique to me and work for me. They have changed greatly over time though. Those involved in my health care know my boundaries and are happy with them.



Roberta_ -> RE: Boundaries.... What's Healthy? What's Not? (7/17/2008 12:52:33 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: agapetos

quote:

Someone says they want to talk to you. Instead of talking, they wind up yelling at you and not giving you a chance to respond?
Happened to me the other week. I had tried to interrupt them but gave up and let them say their piece. Then I calmly said my piece.


That's what I did.

quote:

I think that something that needs to be taken into account with boundaries is that they are not static, they need to change and develop as time passes. The boundaries you set your children over time will change as they grow. It's also important that the other people involved know your boundaries and reasons why you set them.


Great points.



stampinlady -> RE: Boundaries.... What's Healthy? What's Not? (7/18/2008 12:24:31 PM)

quote:

I read just yesterday of a guy who'd taken his children to a fun day somewhere and was taking photographs of his children and was then accussed of being some kind of pervert.


That's really sad. A father can't even take his kids out without being looked at as a perv. What is our world coming to?[:'(]

I smile at little kids all the time and would never think of telling someone off if they did it to my kids. I think that's a bit paranoid.



agapetos -> RE: Boundaries.... What's Healthy? What's Not? (7/19/2008 6:07:55 AM)

quote:

where to draw the line between healthy and unhealthy boundaries?


Healthy boundary = setting a boundary and making sure the people involved know in a calm and clear way what is/isn't expected from them.

Unhealthy boundary = setting a boundary by shouting and screaming your rules at the people involved and expecting them to do as you say.

Unhealthy boundary = (and this isn't really a boundary) is setting a boundary and letting the people involved ignore it and you do nothing to reinforce it.

Healthy boundary = (again not really a boundary in the same sense) is taking an unhealthy boundary, looking at it with the people involved and discussing how to make it a boundary which can be kept ~ which may or may not involve consequences of someone breaking the boundary, and may even include rewards if boundaries are kept.

I recently had someone involved in my health care who broke boundaries I set (not in an unethical way) and which he understood. I requested that he be no longer involved in my health care. I've made it very clear to the person replacing him why I feel the way I do about this and we've agreed on a course of action to hopefully avoid a repeat of the problem.



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