|
Users viewing this topic:
none
|
|
Login  | |
|
RE: why do women date (and marry) jerks? - 7/28/2008 10:47:34 PM
|
|
|
TorchHeart
Posts: 1497
Joined: 6/4/2008
From: One of the coldest places on Earth
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: sweetee2
Well... in my case.... when I was dating my husband he was really good to me. He was very attentive and spent time with me. I really felt that he loved me and cared deeply for me. We did not have sex until after we were married. We discussed everything from porn, money, kids, traveling, religion, etc... Days after we came home from our honeymoon he totally changed into someone I didn't know. He went into a very deep depression for 6 weeks, didn't want to be touched and didn't want sex, had terrible temper tantrums and fits of anger and called me terrible names. He had aweful mood swings and I felt like I was always walking on eggshells because I never knew what he would be like when he was around. Two years into the marriage he confessed that he had been sexually molested as a child at age 12, he admitted that he didn't like to be touched, was into porn and spent money like it was water. He also confessed that he thought if he got married that that would take away his desire for the porn. Nothing ever seemed to be good enough or keep his interest for very long. We went to several different professional counselors and doctors over a course of several years to try to figure out what was wrong and everyone of them had a different opinion. Some said he had ADD or ADHD, others said he was Bi-polar and others said that he is just plain into sinning. He has tried so many kinds of medicine it's not even funny and none seem to really help. I feel like our whole relationship was based on deception and now we have been married 7 years and I am currently sleeping apart from him in another bedroom. I have found porn on his laptop almost everytime I look at it and my love for him is completely gone.
I never intended to marry a jerk like him. He wasn't a jerk when we dated. I fell in love with the man that treated me with respect and love and spent time with me... not the jerk I have now.
You have my prayers if that means anything.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: why do women date (and marry) jerks? - 7/29/2008 1:40:05 PM
|
|
|
Focusing
Posts: 5989
Status: offline
|
(((sweetee2)))
I am praying for you.
_____________________________
There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven
|
|
|
|
|
RE: why do women date (and marry) jerks? - 7/30/2008 5:06:14 PM
|
|
|
backrowbaptist
Posts: 380
Joined: 6/7/2008
Status: offline
|
Could it also be that women like an emotional roller coaster? The highs (he loves me!), the lows (he hit me!), back to the highs (he's sorry, he brought me flowers, he only hits me because he loves me so much!). I've seen this. Don't understand it, but I've seen it.
_____________________________
Any of this gettin' through to you, son?
|
|
|
|
|
RE: why do women date (and marry) jerks? - 7/30/2008 5:08:57 PM
|
|
|
backrowbaptist
Posts: 380
Joined: 6/7/2008
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: TorchHeart
quote:
ORIGINAL: sweetee2
Well... in my case.... when I was dating my husband he was really good to me. He was very attentive and spent time with me. I really felt that he loved me and cared deeply for me. We did not have sex until after we were married. We discussed everything from porn, money, kids, traveling, religion, etc... Days after we came home from our honeymoon he totally changed into someone I didn't know. He went into a very deep depression for 6 weeks, didn't want to be touched and didn't want sex, had terrible temper tantrums and fits of anger and called me terrible names. He had aweful mood swings and I felt like I was always walking on eggshells because I never knew what he would be like when he was around. Two years into the marriage he confessed that he had been sexually molested as a child at age 12, he admitted that he didn't like to be touched, was into porn and spent money like it was water. He also confessed that he thought if he got married that that would take away his desire for the porn. Nothing ever seemed to be good enough or keep his interest for very long. We went to several different professional counselors and doctors over a course of several years to try to figure out what was wrong and everyone of them had a different opinion. Some said he had ADD or ADHD, others said he was Bi-polar and others said that he is just plain into sinning. He has tried so many kinds of medicine it's not even funny and none seem to really help. I feel like our whole relationship was based on deception and now we have been married 7 years and I am currently sleeping apart from him in another bedroom. I have found porn on his laptop almost everytime I look at it and my love for him is completely gone.
I never intended to marry a jerk like him. He wasn't a jerk when we dated. I fell in love with the man that treated me with respect and love and spent time with me... not the jerk I have now.
You have my prayers if that means anything.
And mine.
_____________________________
Any of this gettin' through to you, son?
|
|
|
|
|
RE: why do women date (and marry) jerks? - 7/30/2008 10:27:32 PM
|
|
|
Focusing
Posts: 5989
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: backrowbaptist
Could it also be that women like an emotional roller coaster? The highs (he loves me!), the lows (he hit me!), back to the highs (he's sorry, he brought me flowers, he only hits me because he loves me so much!). I've seen this. Don't understand it, but I've seen it.
It's called the cycle of abuse. The honeymoon cycle (highs) to the building-up cycle to the release cycle (lows). The woman tends to hang on to the good feelings she experiences through the honeymoon cycle. She learns to cope through the building-up and release cycles, knowing that the honeymoon cycle comes back around.
During my divorce I attended classes at a women's center, they did a much better job at explaining it than I did, but that's the gist.
_____________________________
There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven
|
|
|
|
|
RE: why do women date (and marry) jerks? - 7/30/2008 11:02:41 PM
|
|
|
Samitude
Posts: 27
Joined: 4/14/2008
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: sweetee2
Well... in my case.... when I was dating my husband he was really good to me. He was very attentive and spent time with me. I really felt that he loved me and cared deeply for me. We did not have sex until after we were married. We discussed everything from porn, money, kids, traveling, religion, etc... Days after we came home from our honeymoon he totally changed into someone I didn't know. He went into a very deep depression for 6 weeks, didn't want to be touched and didn't want sex, had terrible temper tantrums and fits of anger and called me terrible names. He had aweful mood swings and I felt like I was always walking on eggshells because I never knew what he would be like when he was around. Two years into the marriage he confessed that he had been sexually molested as a child at age 12, he admitted that he didn't like to be touched, was into porn and spent money like it was water. He also confessed that he thought if he got married that that would take away his desire for the porn. Nothing ever seemed to be good enough or keep his interest for very long. We went to several different professional counselors and doctors over a course of several years to try to figure out what was wrong and everyone of them had a different opinion. Some said he had ADD or ADHD, others said he was Bi-polar and others said that he is just plain into sinning. He has tried so many kinds of medicine it's not even funny and none seem to really help. I feel like our whole relationship was based on deception and now we have been married 7 years and I am currently sleeping apart from him in another bedroom. I have found porn on his laptop almost everytime I look at it and my love for him is completely gone.
I never intended to marry a jerk like him. He wasn't a jerk when we dated. I fell in love with the man that treated me with respect and love and spent time with me... not the jerk I have now.
Have you tried Focus on the Family for help?
http://www.focusonthefamily.com/
|
|
|
|
|
RE: why do women date (and marry) jerks? - 7/31/2008 7:57:10 AM
|
|
|
hotrodkev
Posts: 15
Joined: 7/30/2008
From: Texas
Status: offline
|
That's one of those things that I really have to say that your whole life and love was built off LIES. We have hope that people will change, but change has to come from inner person, some people don't let go of the past and they keep themselves in a hole and never allow themselves out. Yes Your MARRIED, but not really, not spiritually, not emotionally. You were built up by someone who thought they knew what they wanted. It will never be good enough sweetie. I have seen this a few times with friends and family. I would hope that you would have been mad and hurt about the lies, but building a relationship around lies instead of God is downfall #1 He chose to do that to you, complete honesty and open communication, you were Used. I'm just calling it like I see it and I speak the brutal truth sometimes, but I'm Deff Not going to lie to you!
So where do you go from here is your choice, but it will Never get better, until he wants it to. And 7 yrs hasn't brought change just more distance. So where is another 7 yrs going to bring you. Question of the hour is when is ENOUGH / ENOUGH?
|
|
|
|
|
RE: why do women date (and marry) jerks? - 7/31/2008 8:02:04 AM
|
|
|
DreadPirateRandy
Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/5/2006
Status: offline
|
quote:
why do women date (and marry) jerks?
For the same reason that men do.
_____________________________
The lunatic, the lover, and the poet, are of imagination all compact.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: why do women date (and marry) jerks? - 8/4/2008 9:51:20 PM
|
|
|
sweetee2
Posts: 4
Joined: 7/13/2008
Status: offline
|
We have tried many different professional counselors and even several pastors but it takes two people wanting to change. One person can't carry a relationship.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: why do women date (and marry) jerks? - 8/4/2008 10:20:08 PM
|
|
|
Neeva_Candida
Posts: 119
Joined: 7/26/2008
Status: offline
|
I really don't know. I'll ask my wife.
~Neeva
|
|
|
|
|
RE: why do women date (and marry) jerks? - 8/4/2008 11:04:39 PM
|
|
|
beachcooky
Posts: 893
Joined: 6/21/2008
Status: offline
|
I don't know why women marry jerks.
My ex-best friend, she dates jerks. And then she gets frustrated with them. They'll break up, but then she goes back to them, even when she gets hurt.
I don't get it. If a guy was a jerk to me and I was in a relationship with him, I would break up with him and STAY broken up.
Me? I like nice guys. It's the only way to go!
_____________________________
www.myspace.com/xsweetheartforux
|
|
|
|
|
RE: why do women date (and marry) jerks? - 8/4/2008 11:08:55 PM
|
|
|
beachcooky
Posts: 893
Joined: 6/21/2008
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: sweetee2
Well... in my case.... when I was dating my husband he was really good to me. He was very attentive and spent time with me. I really felt that he loved me and cared deeply for me. We did not have sex until after we were married. We discussed everything from porn, money, kids, traveling, religion, etc... Days after we came home from our honeymoon he totally changed into someone I didn't know. He went into a very deep depression for 6 weeks, didn't want to be touched and didn't want sex, had terrible temper tantrums and fits of anger and called me terrible names. He had aweful mood swings and I felt like I was always walking on eggshells because I never knew what he would be like when he was around. Two years into the marriage he confessed that he had been sexually molested as a child at age 12, he admitted that he didn't like to be touched, was into porn and spent money like it was water. He also confessed that he thought if he got married that that would take away his desire for the porn. Nothing ever seemed to be good enough or keep his interest for very long. We went to several different professional counselors and doctors over a course of several years to try to figure out what was wrong and everyone of them had a different opinion. Some said he had ADD or ADHD, others said he was Bi-polar and others said that he is just plain into sinning. He has tried so many kinds of medicine it's not even funny and none seem to really help. I feel like our whole relationship was based on deception and now we have been married 7 years and I am currently sleeping apart from him in another bedroom. I have found porn on his laptop almost everytime I look at it and my love for him is completely gone.
I never intended to marry a jerk like him. He wasn't a jerk when we dated. I fell in love with the man that treated me with respect and love and spent time with me... not the jerk I have now.
:[.
_____________________________
www.myspace.com/xsweetheartforux
|
|
|
|
|
RE: why do women date (and marry) jerks? - 8/15/2008 5:51:22 PM
|
|
|
skygreen
Posts: 5
Joined: 8/15/2008
Status: offline
|
I agree with Blazingson to a degree - but I differ on a few points.(I painted a watercolor that looks just like your avitar.)
Some people may not know what it feels like to be treated nice - but I believe they can tell on a certain level that it doesn't feel good.
If you grew up in a family where there was little or no expression of love, than as a adult you have nothing to reference what it feels like to be loved by someone else. The jerky dudes you date - feel just like your relationship with your mom and dad did - which on one hand feels normal to you - on the flip side it doesn't.
I don't think women are attracted to pain unless they are into Masochists(SP?)- I think it is more of a lack of self love and what it feels like to be loved by someone else - or treated good.
sky
|
|
|
|
|
RE: why do women date (and marry) jerks? - 8/16/2008 12:43:48 AM
|
|
|
Child4Jesus
Posts: 458
Joined: 5/24/2005
From: Long Island, Nassau, Elmont, NY
Status: offline
|
I think a girl will date a jerk because she thinks she can change him.
_____________________________
In Christ,
Richad
The greatest heresy to American Christianity is that if you ask Jesus to come into your heart, he definitely will.
Paul Washer
|
|
|
|
|
RE: why do women date (and marry) jerks? - 8/16/2008 12:45:49 AM
|
|
|
beachcooky
Posts: 893
Joined: 6/21/2008
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: Child4Jesus
I think a girl will date a jerk because she thinks she can change him.
Yes, I agree. But no one can change anyone unless you really want to change. I learned that the hard way. When I wasn't really walking with God, people told me I had to change and I said, "I will"...but never did, because I never wanted to.
Until one day, I made a decision because I was ready to and I really wanted to change.
No one can change anyone. You can encourage them and show them kindness, but you cannot change them unless they WANT to change!
_____________________________
www.myspace.com/xsweetheartforux
|
|
|
|
|
RE: why do women date (and marry) jerks? - 8/16/2008 7:26:53 AM
|
|
|
NightlessNight
Posts: 11
Joined: 6/18/2008
Status: offline
|
I was with a jerk for 3 years on and off. He was violent both physically and emotionally. Honestly, I was a shy young girl (17 when I met him) and thought he would be a good guy. But he turned out to be something totally different... I didn't enjoy the drama, didn't try to change him (I of course hoped that things would get better).
So why didn't I leave him earlier? Well, I tried but he always talked me back to him. I was also afraid of him, had no courage to seek help. He threatened me verbally so many times that I saw no way out of the situation. He even said that something worse will happen to me if i tell anyone. (Yes, I suggested counselling too, but he didn't want it and didn't let me go by myself.)
Only when I went to college - against his will - I found someone to talk to and who could help me in my situation. For me personally the guilt has been the most difficult thing to deal with. Now, after these years I've learned to be a bit more merciful towards myself, even forgive myself. It's not easy to answer the question: Why did you let him do all this to you?
|
|
|
|
|
RE: why do women date (and marry) jerks? - 8/16/2008 9:26:09 AM
|
|
|
twinkly
Posts: 146
Joined: 6/21/2008
Status: offline
|
quote:
Jerk 1 = doesn't know they hurt someone and would be horrified if they knew (and would stop it immediately because they don't like hurting others)
Jerk 2 = knows they are hurting someone, don't care, and will continue if they think they won't get caught (will stop if outed; they want the appearance of a good reputation)
Jerk 3 = hurts people on purpose and doesn't care who knows
I was married to jerk number 3.
I dated jerk number 2.
I am pretty much burnt toast at this point and have remained single for over a year now. I will probably continue to do so as I sit back and watch my exhusband go from woman to woman because he can't handle being alone (sad state of affairs I would say). When I am ready to trust again, I will put myself out there, but right now, I could care less. It is safer that way since I seem to have an "attract jerks" sign on me...
_____________________________
God FIRST, family second, and all else will fall into place.
My side business:
http://www.arbonne.com
Let me help you make some fun mad money!
|
|
|
|
|
RE: why do women date (and marry) jerks? - 8/16/2008 5:29:38 PM
|
|
|
deermousie
Posts: 1859
Joined: 9/26/2007
Status: online
|
quote:
ORIGINAL:
I am pretty much burnt toast at this point and have remained single for over a year now. I will probably continue to do so as I sit back and watch my exhusband go from woman to woman because he can't handle being alone (sad state of affairs I would say). When I am ready to trust again, I will put myself out there, but right now, I could care less. It is safer that way since I seem to have an "attract jerks" sign on me...
I'm so sorry you've had a bad time, Twinkly. (((Hugs))) May God be gracious to you in comforting you and giving you a good life from Him.
I like the attitude of a teen gal that lives down the street from me:
"No, I won't date you! I don't like your walk with the Lord!"
Whoo-woo! I wish I'd been like her as a single!  No apologies, no excuses, no short cuts. They measure up or ship out. The jerks creep away (he would have left eventually, so why not *before* he hurts you?)and the good guys think, "Now there's a girl for me! She's got standards!"
(No, I wouldn't treat good guys like this at all. But my antennae would notice any sign that he's not what he pretends to be. A guy trying to walk with the Lord would get plenty of grace from me, even if he blew it but handled it with confession and repentance before the Lord and me. A liar would be quickly booted. Hurray for the good guys trying to do it right! They will eventually get it right, and so will we as we strive to do things God's way).
_____________________________
Want to know where a certain word or phrase in the Bible is found? www.biblegateway.com Yay!
|
|
|
|
|
RE: why do women date (and marry) jerks? - 8/17/2008 4:48:03 PM
|
|
|
oceangirl
Posts: 12
Joined: 8/13/2008
Status: offline
|
MAn u sounds like a man hater. Men r mad ein God image what an attitude uv got. I forgiv u cus not all men r jerks
|
|
|
|
|
RE: why do women date (and marry) jerks? - 8/17/2008 4:58:08 PM
|
|
|
beachcooky
Posts: 893
Joined: 6/21/2008
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: oceangirl
MAn u sounds like a man hater. Men r mad ein God image what an attitude uv got. I forgiv u cus not all men r jerks
I really didn't understand what you just wrote....
_____________________________
www.myspace.com/xsweetheartforux
|
|
|
|
|
RE: why do women date (and marry) jerks? - 8/17/2008 8:17:13 PM
|
|
|
RichLP
Posts: 1622
Joined: 5/4/2005
Status: offline
|
I will quote a female friend... "sometimes we women don't even know what we want." And I think this is true with some women; some women discard or reject solid but boring men who have a lifetime of stability to offer because they're not exciting enough.
Give me a break.
It's one thing to want exciting, exhilarating guys if you're a teen or early 20s. You hit a later age, you're aging, your biological clock is ticking - shouldn't you look for something more profound? Characteristics and traits that will form a foundation for a future? Like character, humility, diligence, and the willingness to sacrifice?
In the secular world, I've seen and read so many times about how nice guys were embittered and turned into jerks and then they said they started getting women left and right. My Christian faith prohibits me from embarking on to such a course, but the conduct of certain so-called Christian women prevents me from blaming non-believer men from going from nice to jerks.
I feel for all you truly good sisters who dated or married jerks, but it goes both ways as well. Knowing myself, I can only thank God that I take Him too seriously and frankly, have too much of a conscience to be a ... jerk.
_____________________________
"We have removed an ally of Al Qaeda" - G.W. Bush lies to America and to the world, 5/1/2003
|
|
|
|
|
RE: why do women date (and marry) jerks? - 8/17/2008 11:40:59 PM
|
|
|
deermousie
Posts: 1859
Joined: 9/26/2007
Status: online
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: RichLP
I will quote a female friend... "sometimes we women don't even know what we want." And I think this is true with some women; some women discard or reject solid but boring men who have a lifetime of stability to offer because they're not exciting enough.
Give me a break.
Me, too. But she's got a point, Rich - some women are messed up/crippled in their emotions, and real relationships don't tease and satisfy an unhealthy heart. These women look for "bad boys" to consume something there God never intended. Maybe it's a self-culling thing so good guys don't get stuck with the attentions of these self-destructive women, eh?
quote:
It's one thing to want exciting, exhilarating guys if you're a teen or early 20s. You hit a later age, you're aging, your biological clock is ticking - shouldn't you look for something more profound? Characteristics and traits that will form a foundation for a future? Like character, humility, diligence, and the willingness to sacrifice?
Yeah, if a woman is healthy, I think she would.
When I was single (18-38) I got so tired of men who were little boys needing training in life and relationships and ethics, and wondered where the good guys were. Part of that was ministry, if you will, and part of that may have been God protecting me from marriage until I and my now-husband were ready.
I think you hit the key word, though: "profound":
quote:
shouldn't you look for something more profound? Characteristics and traits that will form a foundation for a future? Like character, humility, diligence, and the willingness to sacrifice
You are exactly right, and this is what I think mature people do look for. If you consider not many people are mature, it might be the answer you're seeing. (Yes, I quoted your words here twice. It was worth repeating).
Those are also the traits you want to see in the mother of your helpless children, to care for them right and have them grow up like her.
quote:
In the secular world, I've seen and read so many times about how nice guys were embittered and turned into jerks
Stop right there. Nothing in life turns anyone into a jerk, a sinner. It's our sinful hearts that refuse the grace of God, not people treating us bad. Of course, you said the secular world says this, and I'm sure they do; they don't see the whole picture a spiritually alive person with a Bible sees. You probably agree with this, I just needed to mention it in case it's new to anyone else reading this.
quote:
and then they said they started getting women left and right.
Sounds like a lie right out of the pit, doesn't it?
quote:
My Christian faith prohibits me from embarking on to such a course
Which is tantamount to saying, my faith prevents me from destroying my life and shooting myself in the foot. That's a good thing! You will reap the good consequences if you not already are. When you meet the woman you will marry, she's going to be so glad you waited for her and didn't throw parts of your good life away.
quote:
but the conduct of certain so-called Christian women prevents me from blaming non-believer men from going from nice to jerks.
Some "Christians" need a holy smack upside the head. They sin. They encourage others to sin, too. Look at Romans 1 to see who they are. God isn't fooled.
quote:
I feel for all you truly good sisters who dated or married jerks, but it goes both ways as well. Knowing myself, I can only thank God that I take Him too seriously and frankly, have too much of a conscience to be a ... jerk.
Thank you, Rich. I dated my share and got creamed several times. I still remember the pain and humiliation of being treated like I was worthless. I wish I'd been more like you in my teens and twenties; I'd have lived a better life (and would have told those creeps "no" to the first offered date).
What I'm hearing you say is that your faith in God and His ways keeps you from indulging in sin to your advantage (which would eat you up eventually). Bully for you! You aren't stepping on landmines that are marked with "this will make you feel good and no one is looking so go ahead." I respect you.
_____________________________
Want to know where a certain word or phrase in the Bible is found? www.biblegateway.com Yay!
|
|
|
|
|
RE: why do women date (and marry) jerks? - 9/9/2008 10:38:40 AM
|
|
|
preserved
Posts: 778
Joined: 6/12/2007
Status: offline
|
We can all give our opinion here on why women date (and marry) jerks...Reality is...the one person that can answer that question are those who dates or dated or married jerks...There are so many reasons. don't forget men marries females likewise...
I for one cannot say all men are jerks...most of us fail to get to know the real person...We as christian may start off asking God for the mate...but then we take our eyes and focus off from God and onto the person that we are dealing with. God shows us the person while in the relationship...sometimes we choose to ignore what is being shown...
|
|
|
|
 New Messages |
 No New Messages |
 Hot Topic w/ New Messages |
 Hot Topic w/o New Messages |
 Locked w/ New Messages |
 Locked w/o New Messages |
|
 Post New Thread
Reply to Message
Post New Poll
Submit Vote
Delete My Own Post
Delete My Own Thread
Rate Posts |
|
|
Forum Tools
Printable Version
