What would you do about hubby's "friendly" female friend? (Full Version)

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nicole6598 -> What would you do about hubby's "friendly" female friend? (7/30/2008 7:13:56 PM)

Hubby has joined facebook (I set the account up for him, he wanted one to post his bike pics). A friend of his from before we were together found him the next day and added him. Every day now for a week they have sent messages back and forth. She has been putting "xoxo" at the end of the messages, something I have never seen a female do on a males page before unless they are family. She is recently single, a non-Christian. He and her used to hang out in a big group of friends, she dated one of his friends, but after they broke up hubby and her remained close til he moved up here.

He did meet her once when he went down to town alone for a coffee, he didn't let me know til like a week later when it sort of slipped out.

He sent her a message saying "we should catch up next time I am in town" she replied back "yeah that sounds great, just like old times HAHA". I saw him typing to her another message and asked if he intended on meeting her. He said "yep" and when I asked if that was alone he said yes again. I told him I didn't like the idea of that. He just laughed me off. I posed the question would he like it if I met up alone with a non-Christian single male friend, he said he didn't have a problem with it. He told me I was immature and insecure. We argued a bit about it that night.
She sent another message yesterday that said "Cool, looking forward to seeing you again xoxo"

So I have requested her to add me as a friend, we will see if it happens. Alot of women I have spoken to have said they wouldn't be entirely happy about it either. So how would you handle things?



linaire -> RE: What would you do about hubby's "friendly" female friend? (7/30/2008 7:40:01 PM)

I'm a single girl, and I wouldn't behave like that with a married man. I sign off all my emails / wall posts / whatever as "Cxx", but often if I'm mailing / commenting a married man, I'll get rid of the 'xx'. Why? Out of respect, I guess. If it upsets you, I think you're right to raise it, and I think it's a little unfair of him to try and brush it aside.

That's just my two cents, anyhow.

I will leave the "how to deal with this situation" conundrum for ladies far wiser than I! I hope this all resolves soon.



nicole6598 -> RE: What would you do about hubby's "friendly" female friend? (7/30/2008 8:01:28 PM)

thanks for your opinion :) Yeah I would never dream of writing xoxo on a married man's page. (and she does know we are married, there are pics of us and the kids and she commented on the kids).



JJB1222 -> RE: What would you do about hubby's "friendly" female friend? (7/30/2008 8:49:20 PM)

This sounds like a dangerous situation. You have every right to be concerned. Sounds like your husband is being the immature one. Where does he stand spiritually?



nicole6598 -> RE: What would you do about hubby's "friendly" female friend? (7/30/2008 8:54:13 PM)

He has just begun to get things back on track with God, although with a new roster he hasn't read his Bible in 2 weeks, he had been reading it every day for nearly a month, first time in 5 years. He loves God, I think he is just struggling with the day to day keeping your faith on track with God like many (including myself) do.



flowerz -> RE: What would you do about hubby's "friendly" female friend? (7/31/2008 11:42:32 AM)

I don't know how I would handle things, but I would be upset about it. The fact that he wasn't open about going out for coffee with her before hand would esp. make me feel uneasy. I wouldn't put xoxo on any e-mail to any guy ever, except my husband or sons, but I suppose it could just be a habit and something she does with all her e-mails.



fluffmonkey -> RE: What would you do about hubby's "friendly" female friend? (7/31/2008 12:04:42 PM)

Nicole, I can understand why you would be upset about this because he didnt tell you the first time he met her only to find out because it sliped out he had no intention of telling you although this time you asked and he told you...he didnt try to hide anything... I wouldnt write xoxo to any guy besides my sweetie and maybe family like my grandpa or grandma or someone like that... although I know their are some people who always leave their letters with love so in so... like flowerz said it could be a habbit but alot times not. Since he was open about it he doesnt have anything to hide about this girl but that doesnt mean you shouldnt be concerned. Dont attack him with assumptions but do try to talk about it with him. Just continue to pray about everything.



doinkdom -> RE: What would you do about hubby's "friendly" female friend? (7/31/2008 12:14:15 PM)

Here is an article called the Tenderness Trap that we use for couples experiencing what you describe. (It's the last link listed.)

We think this is a very slippery slope for men and women and think you have reason to be concerned.



nicole6598 -> RE: What would you do about hubby's "friendly" female friend? (7/31/2008 7:02:41 PM)

Thanks for your comments

I have added her as my friend, and in the second message to me she wrote "xoxo" so maybe it is a habit. I am getting to know her though so I will feel more comfortable. Its probably nothing, but I am a worrywart sometimes. I guess the fact that my friends husband had an affair recently doesn't help huh?



isaacsmom -> RE: What would you do about hubby's "friendly" female friend? (7/31/2008 7:29:56 PM)

quote:

Its probably nothing, but I am a worrywart sometimes. I guess the fact that my friends husband had an affair recently doesn't help huh?


You are not a worrywart, you are doing the best thing you can for your marriage by being alert about this. When a spouse is meeting alone with the opposite sex, in my opinion, they are setting themselves up for a dangerous situation to arise, whether that is their original intention or not. I'll be praying for you guys! For your wisdom on how to handle the situation and for the Spirit to nudge your husband to do the right thing.



purejoy -> RE: What would you do about hubby's "friendly" female friend? (7/31/2008 8:03:17 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: isaacsmom
I'll be praying for you guys! For your wisdom on how to handle the situation and for the Spirit to nudge your husband to do the right thing.


I'm praying for this too, Nicole. Especially since your husband has recently started getting back into the Word and back on track with his faith. I think Satan hates that kind of stuff and will gladly take this opportunity to bring something into your husband's life to distract him.



justjennhere -> RE: What would you do about hubby's "friendly" female friend? (7/31/2008 10:29:33 PM)

I don't think you're being unreasonable to be concerned over this. I would be less concerned with the way she concludes her messages and MORE concerned over the way your husband has brushed off your legitimate feelings as "insecure" and "immature." I agree with the poster who said it suggests immaturity on his part to not see the obvious and potential danger of meeting up with a single woman by himself. Regardless of that, though, he shouldn't belittle your concerns and misgivings.

If I was in your shoes, I would pray for his eyes to be opened to this potential danger and for his heart to be softened to your feelings. I would try telling him again why I don't think meeting this woman is wise, expressing to him that it creates room for distrust and distance in the marriage. (And could really damage his witness as a Christian man.) Even if he doesn't understand this or agree with you, he SHOULD honor you and respect you as the wife he vowed to love, honor, and cherish enough to decline a meeting or, at the very least, include you in the meeting.

I would also continue to get to know this woman. I'm not sure how Christ-like it is that we can, but we women are pretty good at sizing one another up and communicating some things intuitively with one another. I would embrace the opportunity to subtlely communicate to this lady how seriously I take my marriage and how closely I'm watching her. (Well, wow. That makes me sound awful, but it's the truth!)

My DH has been lifelong friends with a single woman from his hometown. When we became engaged, their friendship became OUR friendship. I've never had any reason to distrust my husband or this wonderful woman, and part of it has been that we safeguarded ourselves from day one by making the extra effort to stay accountable and leave no room for even the appearance of wrongdoing.

Praying for you and your husband...



Mrs.X -> RE: What would you do about hubby's "friendly" female friend? (8/1/2008 12:22:43 AM)

I think it's wise that you added her as a friend. Maybe she can become your friend too. That's kind of a relief that she ended your message in "xoxo" too.



nicole6598 -> RE: What would you do about hubby's "friendly" female friend? (8/1/2008 12:23:10 AM)

Thanks for your prayers and thoughts. I am glad to know I am not being a drama queen about this. We have just had so many ups and downs in our marriage that I don't want another one!
Yep, Jenn, I am watching her and getting to know her. I have a pretty good sense about people. And I am talking about how wonderful our little family is and things. I will be praying that hubby changes his mind about meeting with her and can see how I feel. Although he hasn't really yet displayed empathy for how I feel on little things like being sick, so its going to take God Almighty to make him see how it can hurt me.



Sadey -> RE: What would you do about hubby's "friendly" female friend? (8/1/2008 8:14:23 PM)

Tell her you want to meet her and will be coming with your husband when he has coffee with her. So to let you know when and where. If he refuses to let you go, then you will know you have reason to worry. I don't think you are being a drama queen at all.



Nicole_Michelle -> RE: What would you do about hubby's "friendly" female friend? (8/1/2008 10:55:06 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sadey

Tell her you want to meet her and will be coming with your husband when he has coffee with her. So to let you know when and where. If he refuses to let you go, then you will know you have reason to worry. I don't think you are being a drama queen at all.


Yeah, you could always just let her know you are looking forward to meeting her soon!



nicole6598 -> RE: What would you do about hubby's "friendly" female friend? (8/7/2008 7:50:26 AM)

i caught hubby chatting with her tonight. I told him I thought it was innapropriate and felt uncomfortable, he told me that I am being insecure again and that I need to get over it. There is nothing wrong with him talking to a friend. We argued a bit, he doesn't get it. he thinks there is nothing wrong with chatting to her, even when it upsets me. I dont know what to do anymore



Nicole_Michelle -> RE: What would you do about hubby's "friendly" female friend? (8/7/2008 11:57:47 AM)

(((((((((((Nicole)))))))))))))) I just hope they don't meet up for your sake. I don't understand how your husband can see you cry and not care. I would cry along with you. ((((more hugs))))))



Mrs.X -> RE: What would you do about hubby's "friendly" female friend? (8/7/2008 12:05:26 PM)

((((((((Nicole))))))))



isaacsmom -> RE: What would you do about hubby's "friendly" female friend? (8/7/2008 10:47:42 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: nicole6598

i caught hubby chatting with her tonight. I told him I thought it was innapropriate and felt uncomfortable, he told me that I am being insecure again and that I need to get over it. There is nothing wrong with him talking to a friend. We argued a bit, he doesn't get it. he thinks there is nothing wrong with chatting to her, even when it upsets me. I dont know what to do anymore


(((((Nicole))))). I don't know what advice to give. I can't fathom a spouse not respecting the other's reasonable wishes. [&o] I will continue to pray, that the Lord will give you wisdom in this situation (what to do/say) and that the Spirit will convict your husband in the matter. (((hugs)))



nicole6598 -> RE: What would you do about hubby's "friendly" female friend? (8/7/2008 11:11:18 PM)

Thanks everyone.
We aren't really speaking this morning, he said i need to change myh attitude about her and grow up...



Nicole_Michelle -> RE: What would you do about hubby's "friendly" female friend? (8/7/2008 11:33:54 PM)

quote:

and that the Spirit will convict your husband in the matter


Yes, I hope that the holy Spirit "bugs" your husband till he understands and listens.



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