Very odd relational issue here please help... (Full Version)

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thebigfishstory -> Very odd relational issue here please help... (7/31/2008 11:09:15 PM)

Ok. Here is how it goes. If people turn their backs on me, by people I mean: girlfriends, other male friends, etc, then I am able to eventually shrug off the pain, move on, accept their freedom of will and carry on with life.

However - if I turn my back on someone, break up with someone, decide not to associate with this person or that person anymore, etc., then I constantly have, for lack of a better word, a tape player in my mind of how I totally DESTROYED this or that person or group, and have hurt them beyond all healing, etc.

Why am I able to move on from other people's rejection of me, but cannot under any circumstance, seem to be able to move on from my saying NO to someone who tries to draw close to me? Now, I admit, that in past breakups of GFs or even groups of friends, where they have ignored or left me, I have gone through pain and remorse, but I am able to bounce back and like I've said, carry on.

This has been a never ending cycle in my life and I cannot seem to identify: 1. Am I sinning by refusing to associate with some person/group or church, and 2. how come I have such dramatic feelings about my saying NO to people?

In all truthfulness, this problem has virtually crippled my life to the point that I really don't want to get close to anyone anymore, not because they may reject me, but because I may at some point want the freedom to push away from them and I don't feel like I can take anymore stress and guilt over my "freedom" to say NO.

Does this make sense to anyone here?



Kyrillos -> RE: Very odd relational issue here please help... (8/1/2008 5:00:47 AM)

Do you assume that this ability you have to move on when someone decides to disassociate from you does not exist in the people from whom you decide to disassociate? Because it does! You should remember that: Just as the Lord has given you the strength to recognize and respect the free will of others, he has also given that ability to others. So while it shows a good, caring heart for others that you worry about possibly hurting them emotionally, you shouldn't go overboard and assume that you've "destroyed" someone. Frankly, that borders on arrogance, even if it is borne of good intentions.

Basically, the only advice I could even give is to pray A LOT. Pray that you have made the right decision in disassociating from the person (the "right decision" being that which God has guided you to, of course), pray that they have understood your reason for ending the friendship, pray that they have accepted it and learned from it, and pray that YOU have understood, accepted, and learned from the whole experience as well whatever you needed to learn.

I have learned from many disappointing and hurtful events in my life that nothing is ever taken from us, only that which was never ours to preserve for ourselves in the first place. People may leave or we may leave people, but we never end up with less if we can remember that God is the one who can provide for us exactly what we need, when we need it, even when we can't or won't understand why. YOU may not be able to forgive yourself right now, but that is okay - God is the one who can! Pray to Him that you can accept what He wants for you, and that you can make it what YOU want for you.



cavalry1st -> RE: Very odd relational issue here please help... (8/1/2008 7:14:53 AM)

You're not really turning your back on anyone. When you occupy your time forging and building new, positive relationships, you'll simply find you won't have as much time to spend with those others. No hard breaks, no turning of your back on anyone, no rejection of anyone - simply a matter of priortizing your time.



Sadey -> RE: Very odd relational issue here please help... (8/1/2008 9:47:17 AM)

How often do you go through this? Is it a common occurence? It sounds like this has happened a lot in your life? Just trying to understand.



sudden -> RE: Very odd relational issue here please help... (8/1/2008 10:02:29 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: thebigfishstory

However - if I turn my back on someone, break up with someone, decide not to associate with this person or that person anymore, etc., then I constantly have, for lack of a better word, a tape player in my mind of how I totally DESTROYED this or that person or group, and have hurt them beyond all healing, etc.



What on earth makes you feel that you are so powerful that you can "destroy" someone? Only God can ultimately do that. We all are "hurt" from time to time and MOST of us get over it. This is the reality of rejection not the fiction you have somehow created in your own mind.

Whenever your tape recorder tells you those lies again - refute them.

Sudden



IonMoon -> RE: Very odd relational issue here please help... (8/1/2008 4:58:52 PM)

I think it is actually pretty common to forgive others for something (whatever that may be for a particular person) but beat yourself up over the same behavior.

I do it all the time. Not with the same situation, but I often find it easy (well, not always easy) to justify the actions of other people, but if I do the same things, I have a very difficult time forgiving myself.

You have to learn, as the previous person said, you don't have THAT much power. You aren't responsible for other people's feelings, actions, etc. You are responsible for your actions only. If you do something that is TRULY wrong, then make ammends for it... if you feel guilty because someone else feels bad, but know you did the right thing... let it go.

Tara P



thebigfishstory -> RE: Very odd relational issue here please help... (8/3/2008 6:41:43 PM)

Yeah, thanks to all you who have written back.

I guess have to work some things out. Perhaps my obsession with the way everyone feels about decisions I make is somewhat self centered.

The Christian life is not easy. I keep remembering back to when I really didn't care at all what people thought. But maybe that is not true now that I think about it. I have always been VERY over concerned with other people's feelings and just CANT STAND to have to tell anyone no. I have grown up to be a "yes-man" and that aint good.



laura... -> RE: Very odd relational issue here please help... (8/4/2008 2:06:51 PM)

You sound like another person in need of reading "Boundaries" by Townsend and McCloud.



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