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crownofbeauty -> comparing our looks... (8/4/2008 2:44:57 PM)

Do all women compare themselves with other women? Do we rank our looks when we see other women? I hate to sound shallow in this (outward appearances), but do we really do this and sometimes without thinking intentionally about it?

I had this situation happen at church yesterday that I thought was a little odd for the moment. The service had started and we have our regular time of greeting those around us. A couple was sitting to our right that I know who they are, but not very well, but enough to say hello and some small chit chat every now and then. Generally I shake hands with the woman if she is near us during greeting time. Yesterday, however, she looked at me and gave me a big hug and said “I was just thinking about how beautiful you are!” Now, I had no idea how to respond and just said…”Oh…well you are beautiful!” Then we had a few minutes of chit chat about our kids.

Now, we are both in our 40’s. My husband says that we are in the same “class” of looks and that we compare ourselves to each other and that is why she made the comment. I think she is an attractive woman and always stylishly dressed, but I don’t know much about her really. I honesty feel she is more outwardly attractive than I am. My husband thought it was odd though for her to say that to me during church when it wasn’t in the midst of some conversation. I don’t really go up to people and make that kind of comment (maybe if it was in the context of a conversation though, but not out of the blue).

Does anyone else think this is odd? And how would you have responded?



christsstar -> RE: comparing our looks... (8/4/2008 2:52:06 PM)

I am always comparing myself to other people, and I can't explain why, other than self-esteem and vanity.

However ... I think I would've responded with a thank you, and returned the compliment as you did.

It's possible that you have struck a common cord with her sometime in your meet-n-greets and she just wanted to let you know. Maybe she admires the way you dress, or you have a trait that she really likes (and maybe has concerns about for herself). Maybe you present yourself with such confidence, it's just glowing and you had to be told. [:)]

The comment could also refer to inner beauty. If you are quoting her directly, she didn't say you LOOK beautiful, she said you ARE beautiful. So you ahve a beautiful spirit and attitude as well.

I think you have found yourself a new friend at church. If she's new, maybe she's reaching out for your friendship.



Georgia-Peach -> RE: comparing our looks... (8/4/2008 2:56:16 PM)

I struggle with comparing myself with others and it hurts my self esteem deeply. It is a battle I face a lot trying to be content and happy with who I am. I love who I am on the inside, but I am not always happy with how I look on the outside.

I do compliment other women at church, but it is women I know and I am close too. I don't do it all the time either, but occasionally I have done that. I got several compliments myself yesterday morning at church and I enjoyed it.



christsstar -> RE: comparing our looks... (8/4/2008 2:58:02 PM)

I've noticed that sometimes I am just so taken aback with how beautiful a person looks that I have to say something. Even if I don't know the person very well, I just have to say it. I don't usually follow up with a hug when I don't know him/her, but I will say something like, "You just look incredible today."



HisCovenant -> RE: comparing our looks... (8/4/2008 3:02:08 PM)

I agree that it wasn't out of place and that it doesn't necessarily indicate she was making a comparison. I think she was just expressing admiration for you. I hear this sort of conversation at church all the time. While it is a bit disheartening to not hear more spiritual talk (What did God teach you this week? or Let me tell you that I see God really working in your life. or It is obvious that your spiritual gift is giving; Your gifts are such encouragements to others. ,) I don't necessarily think a comment on outward beauty is out of place... after all, out outward appearance says a lot about what's going on on the inside.



crownofbeauty -> RE: comparing our looks... (8/4/2008 3:58:42 PM)

Thank you all for your thoughts! You gave me something to certainly think about.

Yes, it's true, she just said you ARE beautiful. I took it as my outward appearance because she doesn't know much about my inward other than what she may observe me doing or how I interact with my family or others. We've had older people observe us and say "you are such a beautiful family!", and I have never taken that to mean our looks, but just who we are as a family.

It's interesting how my husband viewed it from a man's view. He automatically thought "looks" and said she spoke what he felt she must think and that he always thought..."I bet she compares herself to you." My husband feels she is an attractive woman, but doesn't say it in a way that makes me feel threatened or feel bad about myself....it's just more or less an observation.

If she would have said "You look beautiful today!"...I would have taken the compliment without thinking too much upon it as I am now. Maybe I have a hard time dealing with someone saying you "ARE" beautiful. Using the word "are" encompassing much more that just appearances. I just felt awkward and uncomfortable with her statement.

Someone asked if she was new at church. No, she is not. They have been there for some time, but I don't see them going to any Sunday School class or interacting with other couples.



Mrs.X -> RE: comparing our looks... (8/4/2008 6:25:35 PM)

I think it was a nice thing to say, crownofbeauty, maybe a little out of place....I probably would have responded the way you did by thanking and returning.

I do sometimes compare myself to other women, but in a realistic kind of way. I wear a size 16, so I usually only compare myself to women like me, who are overweight. I don't compare myself to Miss America-looking women out there because that's not who I look like even naturally, if I were eating right, exercising, not smoking, etc. If I see a woman who is a similar weight to me, and I may notice that she doesn't have cellulite on her thighs and can pull off wearing shorts, it makes me feel a little sad (since I can't get away with wearing shorts), but not too bad. I look cute in MY clothes, and my hubby thinks so too, so that's what really matters.



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