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musicfan1969 -> Friends or more (8/4/2008 9:45:27 PM)

[/colorIt's been a while since I've visited the forums as work keeps me very busy. However, I have a problem and need some advice. A Christian co-worker and I started hanging out together at the end of April. We've spent quite a bit of time together. He calls me his best friend, says I'm beautifu, says he loves me and has even kissed me. But now, says he just wants to be friends. So I made a set of rules up that he was supposed to abide by, but couldn't, so I revised them. He then revised them and today announces he wants to throw them out altogether. So basically what I'm hearing him say is he wants to just be friends but with the benefits. Help! We're supposed to talk after he gets off work in two hours. Does anyone have any advice of how I can make him understand you can't play with a woman's heart like this?



woodwind228 -> RE: Friends or more (8/4/2008 10:31:48 PM)

I have to ask, why did you revise the rules you already gave him? And if he couldn't abide by those, why would he abide by new ones? It sounds to me like you need to find out if he has a romantic or friendly interest. If he wants to be romantically involved, fine. But if he doesn't, you may have to prepare yourself to cut him off, so to speak, if he's going to overstep the boundaries you've set. And be firm. The Bible says to guard your heart - as hard as it may be, I'd suggest trying that. If he's a christian, he should understand that.



musicfan1969 -> RE: Friends or more (8/4/2008 10:43:07 PM)


Revised the rules originally because they were written out of sheer anger. Right now I don't even think he knows. He is dealing with some stuff that has nothing to do with me. I know it sounds like an excuse, but Satan is doing his best right now to bring up his past and have it haunt him. Easier said than done since we work together in the same department. Right now all I'm hoping for is that he'll understand where I'm coming from when we talk this evening.



ShallbeRebuilt -> RE: Friends or more (8/4/2008 10:45:38 PM)

Julia;

First of all, what is God saying to you about the relationship? Why isn't God being consulted about how this relationship goes? If God is being sought, are you the only party seeking Him about it? If so, that's a sign that the relationship is already unequally yoked.

Secondly, obviously this fellow doesn't have the self discipline or the character to restrict the relationship to the level he himself claims he wants. Another sign that you may be unequally yoked. A man of high character would stick with the boundaries you set up in the first place when he made the request for "just friends".

Thirdly, why are you having to set up "rules"? If he chooses a "friend" level of relationship, then he should keep to that level without you having to set boundaries. The man should be the spiritual leader, but instead you are attempting to lead...and he isn't following.

If you will permit me to be quite frank, I must say that it sounds to me as if you are still hoping for more from him and therefore allowing him emotional and perhaps other liberties he is not entitled to by his own request.

The fellow himself has requested friendship only, but is unable to keep his own distance, therefore his character is in question, and very possibly you would be unequally yoked. This is already a toxic situation spiritually, and I fear it may be emotionally as well.

I recommend you seek mature Christians to counsel you both. It sounds as if it would be very helpful.

besiderself



John_O -> RE: Friends or more (8/5/2008 12:26:22 AM)

Julia,

Cut him off. If he says "friends" but seeks physical benefits he is a cur and a scoundrel. Please don't let him play you like this. You'll end up getting hurt and he'll end up getting "benefits" from someone else after he's tired of you.

After a while of being cut off maybe he'll realize that he really wants more than just friends. In which case go very very slowly. No physical stuff until you are sure he's the one you want to marry AND know for certain that he feels the same way.

From what I see he's tried (and somewhat succeeded) to play you. Don't give him another chance at it.

I guess that if you law down the law he'll go hunt someone else who's easier and faster. In which case you can be certain that you didn't want him anyway.


Besiderself,

Please don't be Frank. You don't look anything like a Frank!



ShallbeRebuilt -> RE: Friends or more (8/5/2008 7:55:44 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: John_O

Besiderself,

Please don't be Frank. You don't look anything like a Frank!


Ha! Have you met Frank? Do you know Frank? If so, I stand corrected. Otherwise, I may look like a Frank and I may not, and since I am a sometimes actress, I shall choose to BE Frank if necessary to play the part...[;)][;)][;)]

Mezzo-Sopranos are famous for such things.

You're such a card, John.[:D]

besiderself



woodwind228 -> RE: Friends or more (8/5/2008 10:28:23 AM)

quote:

Besiderself,

Please don't be Frank. You don't look anything like a Frank!


ROFL



cynthia -> RE: Friends or more (8/5/2008 10:55:21 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: musicfan1969

So basically what I'm hearing him say is he wants to just be friends but with the benefits. Help! We're supposed to talk after he gets off work in two hours. Does anyone have any advice of how I can make him understand you can't play with a woman's heart like this?

I'm not sure what kind of benefits you are referring to. What kind of kissing have you been doing with him?
You cannot "make" anyone think or do anything short of force. You can try to help him understand, but you cannot make him understand. It doesn't sound like he needs understanding anyway. It really looks like he's playing with your emotions. The only way to make him stop is to end the relationship. He obviously doesn't have your best interests at heart, but is working from his emotions. This is an indication of poor character.



Bridgitt -> RE: Friends or more (8/5/2008 1:50:23 PM)

It sounds like this person cannot abide by rules and doesn't seem to care if he hurts your feelings. I would not pursue a relationship with him at all, unless, as it was mentioned above, he is willing to go to counseling with you - if that is what you'd like.

Be careful.



offtheisland -> RE: Friends or more (8/5/2008 3:22:14 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: musicfan1969

[/colorIt's been a while since I've visited the forums as work keeps me very busy. However, I have a problem and need some advice. A Christian co-worker and I started hanging out together at the end of April. We've spent quite a bit of time together. He calls me his best friend, says I'm beautifu, says he loves me and has even kissed me. But now, says he just wants to be friends. So I made a set of rules up that he was supposed to abide by, but couldn't, so I revised them. He then revised them and today announces he wants to throw them out altogether. So basically what I'm hearing him say is he wants to just be friends but with the benefits. Help! We're supposed to talk after he gets off work in two hours. Does anyone have any advice of how I can make him understand you can't play with a woman's heart like this?


How did your talk go?



ladioffaith -> RE: Friends or more (8/5/2008 3:35:02 PM)

I'm curious too what kind of "benefits" you speak of.

Just sing him the song from Georgia Satelites:

[sm=icon_smile_sing.gif]That's when she told me a story 'bout free milk and a cow
and she said no huggin no kissin until I get a wedding vow
My honey my baby don't put my love upon no shelf
She said don't hand me no lines and keep your hands to yourself [sm=icon_smile_sing.gif]



John_O -> RE: Friends or more (8/6/2008 12:29:21 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ShallbeRebuilt

You're such a card, John.[:D]

besiderself


Story of my life. I'm usually depicted as a credit card over it's limit[:(]


BTW. Stop changing your name. You're confusing me!! (not that it's very hard to do)



musicfan1969 -> RE: Friends or more (8/6/2008 7:09:26 PM)

Disaster. He admitted he was wrong, but I still ended up hurt. Now, we're not even talking at work, which is hard since our desks aren't that far apart. He now checks myspace page to see what my mood is. I did tell him to leave me alone until I've had time to process everything. He's not liking it and neither am I.



cynthia -> RE: Friends or more (8/6/2008 10:24:23 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: musicfan1969
He now checks myspace page to see what my mood is.

That is really unhealthy for both of you. If you really want him to leave you alone, block him from your myspace.



offtheisland -> RE: Friends or more (8/7/2008 8:18:01 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: musicfan1969

Disaster. He admitted he was wrong, but I still ended up hurt. Now, we're not even talking at work, which is hard since our desks aren't that far apart. He now checks myspace page to see what my mood is. I did tell him to leave me alone until I've had time to process everything. He's not liking it and neither am I.


I know exactly what you are going through. My best friend worked in the same building as I,but his office was above mine. We worked on same productions and had weekly meetings. When I "fired" him as a best friend he got so depressed. I told him that we have to have a professional relationship from now on and not be the friends we used to be. We had lunch everyday together, watched ball games together, cooked dinner together. But, he wanted to just have "fun". I wanted more. After a month of just seeing each other passing the hall or sitting in the weekly meetings, we became friends again, but not like before. It takes a while for the "heat" to subside. I forgave him and he forgave me. We are still friends after four years.



humbleinspirit -> RE: Friends or more (8/10/2008 1:54:38 AM)

Hi Julia, I know I have mentioned this to you already however it sounds like this guy wants his cake and eat it too! Let him know in no uncertain terms that it has to be either all or nothing!



ebony101 -> RE: Friends or more (8/10/2008 3:59:30 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: humbleinspirit
I know I have mentioned this to you already however it sounds like this guy wants his cake and eat it too!


I agree with humbleinspirit - this guy wanted the best of both worlds. So, I think that you did the right thing by letting him know that you were not in favour of that. I've never been in a situation like this before, but offtheisland gave you some good advice:

quote:

ORIGINAL: offtheisland
It takes a while for the "heat" to subside. I forgave him and he forgave me.


It will take a while for him to see the wisdom of your words. Give him some time.



Psalms274 -> RE: Friends or more (8/10/2008 1:18:21 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: cynthia

quote:

ORIGINAL: musicfan1969
He now checks myspace page to see what my mood is.

That is really unhealthy for both of you. If you really want him to leave you alone, block him from your myspace.


I agree.



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