Future Wedding Plans

Future Wedding Plans (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Life] >> Relationships

Message

sweetheartprayer -> Future Wedding Plans (8/7/2008 6:21:08 PM)
My bf and I have been talking strongly about wedding plans in the future, possibly end of next year, early the following year. Even though nothing is set in stone I have been calculating things out. I have run into a road block. All my life I have been on different sides with my dad. From previous postings you can see different things. So a couple of years ago my mom told me that my dad would like to be asked for my hand in marriage when I got to that point in my life. At the time, I was on okay ground with my dad, we at least could be civil to each other....50% of the time. Besides when I was a child and obviously lived at home and was supported by my parents, ever since I was 15 I had a job and supported myself for the most part. When I was 23 I decided to move into the real world and found an apartment with a friend. My dad did not help with anything, even when I asked and the only reason he didn't help was because when I was finished loading my belongs into a truck, except for the heavy stuff, I went to lunch with my bf. Unknowingly to me that he would be home around 2 to help with the rest. I ended up getting home a little after that. Anyway, so I have lived on my own for pretty much the last 3 years of my life, paid my own way through life as it is for any young adult. But my problem is that now that I have found who I want to marry I need to make some decisions about things. Because I have never really gotten along with my dad and because of a recent fight with both my parents, I don't want to include them in the wedding as far as the financial part is concerned. I would like to honestly be able to pay for my whole wedding by myself/ with the help of my bf. Also another problem is the asking my dad for my hand. At this point I really don't feel that it is necissary. My father has never really been that type of dad to me and I feel that since I have made it this far in my life making and doing what I need to do to survive and he has had no help in getting me there. That he does not have the right to demand he be asked for my hand in marriage. Another issue I have too is that I really don't want him to be the one to walk me down the aisle. I would much rather have my brother do it, someone that has taken care of me and been there for me most of my life. So I don't know what to do, do I try and put these problems to the side on my special day and take the chance of problems happening or do I stand by my feelings?? The only thing I know about the feelings side of it is that it could possibly really anger him and if that happened he is known from his past not to talk to people for a very long time if ever again. Has anyone ever been in this type of situation?

jaimestarcross -> RE: Future Wedding Plans (8/7/2008 10:01:54 PM)
Having been in a tension-filled situation kinda like yours - I opted to get married at a bed and breakfast(Victorian home) - I invited all the relatives, friends and neighbors I could think of... many of them didn't agree with my marriage (too bad - I invited them any way!) Amongst the people who attended my wedding was: my yard man, school friends, neighbors and their children, and even my estranged brother... who walked me down the aisle(last minute decision!) Nothing was going to ruin my day... and nothing did!

loveleee -> RE: Future Wedding Plans (8/7/2008 11:10:05 PM)
Do you think you would regret the decision afterwards if you choose not to let your dad walk you down the aisle? Maybe if he did, it could help mend your relationship with him.

pbaribeault -> RE: Future Wedding Plans (8/7/2008 11:28:05 PM)
I'd go for a compromise. Being asked for your hand is not his 'right' but it is the kind of meaningless courtesy that builds bridges within families. If your bf is uncomfortable 'asking' he should at least call your dad to tell him "that he intends, with your permission of course, to wed your daughter" or something like that. This is in accordance with the Scripture that says, as far as it depends on us, we are to live at peace with everyone. A call like that is a simple peace building gesture that costs nothing. As far as walking down the aisle, if you are set against it, feel free to stick to it. That's a bigger deal than a simple phone call. But don't 'replace' him with someone else. Simply walk alone and skip the 'giving away' portion that often starts the ceremony. Many brides I've seen do this. To be peaceable about it, tell your dad something like you think it is too old fashioned and that you are not exactly the kind of girl that likes that kind of thing. He can be grumpy to be left out, but at least he won't be slapped in the face over it.

deermousie -> RE: Future Wedding Plans (8/7/2008 11:47:40 PM)
Wow, Sweetheartprayer, I think life gave you lemons and you've been making lemonade all along. My dad was like yours, only he was a micromanager and he was violent. But yours is still a major obstacle, and it's heart-breaking that he isn't involved with your life except to throw logs under your tires on the road. Now, obviously, all things have been allowed by God, and I'm sorry it's been tough, but God has been working in your life and the end will bring great joy and glory. So, how to handle this one now. You might want to make a list of pro's and cons (+/-). - have bf ask for your hand +/- -(what would you do if dad refused or made obstacles?) - don't have bf ask for your hand +/- - get married and not invite your father +/- - have brother walk you down the aisle +/- - walk yourself down the aisle +/- - elope +/- (forget Vegas - you have to sign a paper that says you've been living together already) - get married in another state/country/planet and hope it's too far for dad to want to come +/- - get married by justice of the peace, with just a few witnesses (family, friends) and let parents throw a reception for you. +/- - have a real small wedding +/- - have a real small wedding in another state/country (where you'd like to honeymoon) +/- What's biblical? Your dad hasn't done much as a dad that was biblical in recent years, but I wouldn't cut him out completely. He's a figurehead, even if the content is pretty empty. Think about what you might do that won't have him on the war path with you for the rest of your life. It might be that no matter what you do, it's going to offend him and he'll make trouble. In that case, do what you think the Lord would have you do and let your dad do his thing because he's going to do it anyway. I didn't have to deal with this because my father died before I met my future husband, but had he still been alive I think I would have walked down the aisle alone. Or maybe I would have let him do it; it's only a one minute job. It's the symbolism involved. I suppose I could have tolerated that for the sake of family peace, and I don't think he could have ruined the wedding. We got married, and that's the only part really important to me. I came to the church with my mom but I left with a husband. [:)] I am praying for you, dear one. Check yourself and make sure you're not getting married to get away from your father (I doubt you're doing this but still check). God bless your whole family and your bf. (((Hugs)))

agapetos -> RE: Future Wedding Plans (8/9/2008 8:12:38 AM)
quote: My dad did not help with anything, even when I asked and the only reason he didn't help was because when I was finished loading my belongs into a truck, except for the heavy stuff, I went to lunch with my bf. Unknowingly to me that he would be home around 2 to help with the rest. I ended up getting home a little after that. I'm confused by who would 'be home around 2 to help'. Your boyfriend or your father? If it was your father, there may have been good reason why he couldn't help earlier in the day. Perhaps the way you asked was wrong (expecting him to help without minding if he said no). I've moved house plenty of times and never 'expected' anyone to help ~ but people have generously offered. Just because he's your father, doesn't mean that you have the automatic right to his help. quote: I don't want to include them in the wedding as far as the financial part is concerned. I would like to honestly be able to pay for my whole wedding by myself/ with the help of my bf. So you don't need to. When you tell your parents that you've set a date, be very polite and clear that you and your bf have talked about things and you want to pay for everything yourself without help from your parents or his. quote: Also another problem is the asking my dad for my hand. At this point I really don't feel that it is necissary. I presume it's because of your age you don't feel it's necessary. Well no, it isn't. I have a friend who's bf asked her dad for her hand (she was 28) and he (dad) was delighted to be asked. My friend's relationship with her parents wasn't good but this seemed to be a step towards healing some wounds. A few years later, he (dad) was killed in a car accident and while there was still open wounds in the relationship, it helped them (friend and her dh) to have this memory. You are going to have to think very carefully about all this and talk to your bf about it too. Your actions may not heal many wounds, if any, but they may create new ones. Is that something that you want? And I mean that you may cause a huge division in the family by your actions. Most importantly, when you decide what you're going to do, you need to do it in person. Don't depend on phone calls for anything to do with your wedding. As pbaribeault said, if you don't want your bf to ask for your hand, have your bf state his intentions ~ but do it in person.

csl7037 -> RE: Future Wedding Plans (8/9/2008 8:15:41 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: loveleee Do you think you would regret the decision afterwards if you choose not to let your dad walk you down the aisle? Maybe if he did, it could help mend your relationship with him. IMO, if you really don't want him walking you down the aisle, either go alone or don't have an aisle (ie elope). That kinda just seems spiteful.

sweetheartprayer -> RE: Future Wedding Plans (8/13/2008 7:25:34 PM)
Thank you all for the advice. It is definetly giving me alot to think about. Just to clarify the moving part, I had asked my dad to help and he said he would. He had to work that day and I had it off. I packed up everything that I could and then decided to go visit my bf for lunch at 1. I didn't get back till after two, and he was home. I didn't know when he would be home so that is why I got what I could finished and left for the lunch. He was upset with me for not being home and therefore decided he didn't want to help. This would have been fine, if I would have known before hand and could have found other help. Instead I was left scrambling to find friends that were free to help. So I didn't expect him to help but when he said he would then I did expect the help. I am going to talk about these things with my BF and probably will make a list like was posted to see what the pros and cons would be. My BF and I both want to have a large wedding so the eloping part, though a good idea, wouldn't work for us. I know his family alone would be upset with that. Thanks again, and please keep the advice coming.

agapetos -> RE: Future Wedding Plans (8/13/2008 7:46:17 PM)
quote: He was upset with me for not being home and therefore decided he didn't want to help. You know something, I'd be upset with someone if they asked for my help moving and when I got back from work, they were out at lunch. quote: I know his family alone would be upset with that. And while I doubt you'll believe me, your family probably would too. Just remember what has alsready been said that you having everything the way you want it could cause a huge rift in the family and you'll have to live with that for a long time.

loveleee -> RE: Future Wedding Plans (8/13/2008 10:50:07 PM)
Me and my father weren't close at all. We both had issues with each other. I chose to let him walk me because I felt that was the right thing to do. It seemed to bridge a gap between us and we actually have a relationship now. It showed him that I actually cared about him and loved him and I wanted him to have a role in my wedding. Because it showed that I was leaving my parents and beginning my new life. I would have regretted not letting him do it. Just do not have any regrets [;)]

deermousie -> RE: Future Wedding Plans (8/14/2008 2:15:14 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: loveleee Just do not have any regrets [;)] This sounds wise. It's fun to plan a wedding and incorporate all the things you may have dreamed about, but in my case, I was just glad to get married and leave with the love of my life as my husband forever. It was great to have family there (although an ex-SIL did her best to upset it and kind of wrecked it for my mom), my soloist got sick and the fill-in only knew songs I'd never heard of before (I was looking into his eyes; I'm sure the music was fine), the flowers weren't in the pictures because the crew moved them to the reception area before the photog started, my still-married brother showed up with his current live-in girlfriend and sat right behind his wife, and my dress got wrinkled on the way to the church. It was a great wedding. I built some bridges in the family, ignored the ones other family members were tearing down (on their heads be it), but I got married and left. I got what I wanted, and it was a grand party for nearly everyone there. I am content. [:D]

fluffmonkey -> RE: Future Wedding Plans (8/15/2008 11:18:39 AM)
quote: All my life I have been on different sides with my dad. So you havent always had a bad relationship with him and you still call him dad not father...or biological father... you still care about your father...you may have your differences at times....I know I personally have had many with my dad, and although he has made alot mistakes and so have I....God has helped me see past all of that. My dad spent part of my life being an acholic and into drugs...and he had very violent angry temper...yet he still cared for me and my sisters and would do anything for us...and I spent alot my life fighting with him and dealing with hurtful things he said to me... but also God has worked in his heart and mine and we have a relationship...and I could imagen him not walking me down the aisle...I would regret that... quote: at home and was supported by my parents, ever since I was 15 I had a job and supported myself for the most part. so does this mean you bought your own clothes and material things you wanted? or bills and power and water..? my parents never had money to give me and I earned money for what I wanted far as material things went. I even bought snack food and meals quote: When I was 23 I decided to move into the real world and found an apartment with a friend. My dad did not help with anything well when you move out your an adult and your suppost support yourself... I moved out when I was 18, I worked and payed my bills and all that I didn't expect anyone to do that for me ...I choose to move out and be "free" as i thought at the time. If I went to help someone move out on a certain day and there was no time that I was suppost to arrive but came and the people I was helping wasnt there... I would be mad too... quote: I don't want to include them in the wedding as far as the financial part is concerned and you dont have too... your bf doesnt have to ask for dads permission...(its kinda old fashion now days, although my fiance asked my dad the same day he asked me lol) but I would seriously think is it worth "not letting him walk me down" because honstly this could be something you regret ... maybe not now but down the road when its to late and feelings are hurt. Pray about this and really truely listen to God and don't let angry emotions get in way of listening to God. maybe you should have a talk with your dad and really get down to matters... but listen to God and he will direct you.

iwillfearnoevil -> RE: Future Wedding Plans (8/19/2008 10:00:37 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sweetheartprayer So I don't know what to do, do I try and put these problems to the side on my special day and take the chance of problems happening or do I stand by my feelings?? skimming through your past posts, you've had quite your share of family drama. and this post wasn't too specific, have you been living with your boyfriend as a roomate? i saw you had created a thread about living together before being married and perhaps your father really didn't approve of it. living at home after graduation and your dad definately seems passive aggressive in some areas where he is making his displeasure known when things don't go his way. also not sure if this is your case, but living at home after graduation makes your parents involved in your life for better or worse. it's time to break free of that completely. perhaps instead of bf asking father permission to marry his daughter that you all have a talk. it's likely your parents (dad) are doing things out of their love for you. it seems a lot of what they are doing is misguided but hopefully that is their motivation. if you feel it is, perhaps you (or you & bf) need to communicate something along these lines: that you two are grown adults and have jobs, live on your own, etc and make your own decisions and that perhaps you haven't always made the best decisions but they are yours to make. verbalize that you realize his motives are out of love and that you love him/them too and want a good relationship with them. perhaps explain that you aren't looking for financial support for the wedding but would like his blessing. altho your dad hasn't supported you as your brother did, i think it would be a real olive branch if you asked him to walk you down the aisle. [maybe can your brother be a groomsman?] i think why break from tradition and from your past family posts, it really seems like this would cause world war 3 if you rocked the boat. just an idea, good luck sweetheartprayer.

fingerprintsofgod -> RE: Future Wedding Plans (8/20/2008 2:01:03 AM)
hello all:) im excited for you - but i would do what is right, not necessarily what might be easier... i would ask my bf to ask my dad for your hand in marriage. both parents in fact... just to respect them...and no matter what your parents are still your parents... honour your father & mother that you may live long in the land... i'm facing a dilemma of my own...7yrs & waiting...wishing that i could be in your shoes instead...to get married & all... :) take care & hope all will turn out good

Mrs.Dawgfan -> RE: Future Wedding Plans (8/20/2008 4:33:12 AM)
Good advice from all. I'd like to chime in and say that if you have you bf ask your father for your hand in marriage then you may want to highly consider having him walk you down the aisle. I think if you didn't walk down with him after agreeing to be asked for your hand it may confuse you father and also cause much hurt and ill feelings...as if he has been used. You either should do both or none at all. Asking for permission means that you value you father no matter what and that you respect him. So with his approval, he should give you away. Otherwise, why have him approve?

buckifn -> RE: Future Wedding Plans (8/20/2008 6:31:02 AM)
quote: Just to clarify the moving part, I had asked my dad to help and he said he would. He had to work that day and I had it off. I packed up everything that I could and then decided to go visit my bf for lunch at 1. I didn't get back till after two, and he was home. I didn't know when he would be home so that is why I got what I could finished and left for the lunch. He was upset with me for not being home and therefore decided he didn't want to help. This would have been fine, if I would have known before hand and could have found other help. Instead I was left scrambling to find friends that were free to help. So I didn't expect him to help but when he said he would then I did expect the help. As a dad I can tell you I would be upset too. I manage to leave work early to help you and you just take off..no note of explanation, no courtesy of calling before going to lunch, no anything...and I just come home to an empty house. That is rude and disrespectful from anyone. It makes you come across as taking your Dad for granted. Using your wedding as a way to get back at your Dad for unresolved feelings from the past is wrong too. Either love motivates you to honor your Dad at your wedding or it doesn't. If you love your Dad and want him to share in the happy event then ask him to. If love isn't the motivation then I think everyone would be better served excluding your parent's. Do you want to start your marriage acting out a lie? If your dad walks you down the aisle and unforgiveness and bitterness is in your heart what good is an outward show of happiness when there is inward misery? Have you considered having an honest heart to heart talk with your dad and resolving the issues before marriage? Communication is one of the biggest factors in a marriage. You may as well start now with your Dad.

Page: [1]

Forum Software © ASPPlayground.NET Advanced Edition 2.5 ANSI