FEELING VERY HURT AND DEPRESSED (Full Version)

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Tshavontay -> FEELING VERY HURT AND DEPRESSED (8/9/2008 9:30:05 PM)

I HAVE BEEN IN A RELATIONSHIP FOR 3 YEARS. LAST WEEK MY BOYFRIEND TOLD ME THAT HE CHEATED ON ME FOR THE FIRST TIME. HE ADMITTED THAT HE KISSED ANOTHER WOMAN AND THAT WAS ALL THAT HAPPENED. HE TOLD ME RIGHT AWAY AND SAID THAT HE DID NOT WANT THAT TO HAPPEN AND THAT HE LOVES ME AND WANTS TO BE WITH ME. I AM EXTREMELY HURT BY WHAT HAPPENED. I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO. I FORGAVE HIM, BUT ALL I WANT TO DO NOW IS TRY TO MOVE ON AND ERASE IT FROM MY MEMORY BUT I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO. SOMEONE PLEASE HELP AND GIVE ME SOME ADVICE.



manda59 -> RE: FEELING VERY HURT AND DEPRESSED (8/9/2008 9:58:35 PM)

First piece of advice, stop typing in all capital letters!

Could I just ask how old you are, if you're a Christian, if your boyfriend is a Christian, and if you are planning to get married?



helper916 -> RE: FEELING VERY HURT AND DEPRESSED (8/9/2008 10:28:16 PM)

That last message from Manda was kinds harsh, well the one thing that I can tell you there is no pit that God is not deeper than. He will alway sbe right there with you



twinkly -> RE: FEELING VERY HURT AND DEPRESSED (8/9/2008 11:08:54 PM)

Well, I think you two have some serious talking to do.
And no, you cannot just erase it and sweep it under the rug.

Cheating after three years together is a red flag. Get to the root of the problem with him. Who, what, where, when, why, and how. Complete and open honesty. What YOUR expectations and boundaries are for this relationship.

Don't just sweep it away. This is a pretty big deal.



deermousie -> RE: FEELING VERY HURT AND DEPRESSED (8/10/2008 12:23:35 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: helper916

That last message from Manda was kinds harsh, well the one thing that I can tell you there is no pit that God is not deeper than. He will alway sbe right there with you


It helps good communication to let a person know where they are making it hard for you so they can fix it. It's part of give and take. Just sayin'. If Manda hadn't said something, I would have. Just so we can talk reasonably here.

Tshavontay, please tell us how old you are and what is your situation. Are you recreationally dating with no commitment, are you guys moving towards marriage, are you courting or engaged? It changes the answer.

Here's a mind blower - the Bible says it's not good for a man to touch a woman. 1 Cor. 7:1,2 What your boyfriend is doing is not good according to God, and if he is touching you, he is not doing good with two different women.



Tshavontay -> RE: FEELING VERY HURT AND DEPRESSED (8/11/2008 11:40:42 AM)

I am 22. We have talked about and want to try to work things out. We both are Christians. This whole situation is so stressful and depressing.



shadowspring -> RE: FEELING VERY HURT AND DEPRESSED (8/11/2008 1:58:41 PM)

My advice: if you are not married, break up immediately and go on a 60 day relationship fast.

Do not speak to him, drive by his house, check his myspace, IM him or have any other contact in person or by electronics for 60 days.

During that time, let your good friends know of your situation. Ask them to pray for you and maybe hang out with you a bit more than usual.

Eat right. Get plenty of exercise. Don't sleep in too late or overindulge in ice cream or self-pity.

And seek the Lord! Dedicate time every day to worship the Lord, in song or just with prayers of thanksgiving. Ask Him to make his path plain to you. Study your Bible more. Memorize praise Psalms. Go on a retreat if one happens during this time, or volunteer for extra ministry at your church.

At the end of the 60 day relationship fast, I am sure you will have a clear answer one way or the other as to what you should do with this cheating man.



buckifn -> RE: FEELING VERY HURT AND DEPRESSED (8/11/2008 2:13:40 PM)

quote:

At the end of the 60 day relationship fast, I am sure you will have a clear answer one way or the other as to what you should do with this cheating man.


OK I am curious- why would it take 60 days to decide what to do with a "cheater?"



Jenny-Fair -> RE: FEELING VERY HURT AND DEPRESSED (8/11/2008 2:27:14 PM)

Are you and your boyfriend sexually active? (I ask this because you said he 'just kissed' the other girl...which makes it sound like he does more than that with you, and if you are sexually active, that has an impact on how you deal with things, emotionally and practically)

I remember reading one of the books by Elisabeth Elliot...either Passion and Purity or Quest for Love where she found out that Jim Elliot had kissed another girl. He never kissed Elisabeth until they were engaged, and so it must have hurt. However, he was a great man, and a good husband, and they were happy together. It was just something foolish that he did. So the question is--was this a one-time foolhardy thing that your boyfriend was unprepared to deal with, or is he making excuses, blaming you in any way, does he seem less than repentant, etc.



sudden -> RE: FEELING VERY HURT AND DEPRESSED (8/11/2008 4:03:24 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: buckifn

quote:

At the end of the 60 day relationship fast, I am sure you will have a clear answer one way or the other as to what you should do with this cheating man.


OK I am curious- why would it take 60 days to decide what to do with a "cheater?"


I second that! Thank God that you found out before you did something drastic like marry him. He has made you feel depressed and miserable. Not a great way to feel. There are plenty of men out there who will not make you feel like this. Go find one of those instead - someone who is worthy of you. You will be much happier.

Sudden



agapetos -> RE: FEELING VERY HURT AND DEPRESSED (8/11/2008 5:14:55 PM)

I am really sorry for the stress and unhappiness that you are in right now. It is going to take time for you to heal from this experience ~ whether you decide to stay with this guy or not.



shadowspring -> RE: FEELING VERY HURT AND DEPRESSED (8/11/2008 10:54:18 PM)

quote:

quote:

quote:

ORIGINAL: buckifn

quote:

quote:

At the end of the 60 day relationship fast, I am sure you will have a clear answer one way or the other as to what you should do with this cheating man.




OK I am curious- why would it take 60 days to decide what to do with a "cheater?"



I second that! Thank God that you found out before you did something drastic like marry him. He has made you feel depressed and miserable. Not a great way to feel. There are plenty of men out there who will not make you feel like this. Go find one of those instead - someone who is worthy of you. You will be much happier.



It is not that easy to just stop thinking about someone to whom you have already given your heart.

The 60 days is to give her heart time to heal and be strong before she renews any contact with him.

By then, hopefully she won't WANT to talk to him anymore. I think the Lord will have given her a brighter vision for her future by then.

But I am not going to presume that it will definitely be so. Maybe after 60 days the relationship will be healed.

But it will take at least 60 days for her to quiet her heart and emotions about a man she has been involved with for THREE YEARS! She has loved this man for a long time already.



csl7037 -> RE: FEELING VERY HURT AND DEPRESSED (8/12/2008 12:20:15 PM)

All I will say is that dh and I weathered much worse before we were married. Part of it is from being committed but not married and living for years at a time in some weird limbo waiting to graduate or whatever. Add to that being 20-something and stupid and people do stupid things.

From what you described, he crossed a boundary. But he shouldn't be treated as if he launched into some emotional or physical affair with wreckless abandon or disregard for her. And it's not like he's blowing it off and saying it's no big deal. It may be a good opening for a real discussion about boundaries and expectations - with other people and with each other.

It should maybe be reason to pause and regroup, delve into some issues of maturity and expectations before going forward. But, at this stage of the game, it's not a deal-breaker, IMO.



shadowspring -> RE: FEELING VERY HURT AND DEPRESSED (8/12/2008 4:11:07 PM)

My own experiences color my post. When I find out about an infidelity of any kind, I always wonder what else is there that is still hidden.

My little sister was engaged with the wedding planned. Two weeks before the wedding her fiance told her had a child with another woman that he never told her about.

Well, my little sister freaked out! So then he goes on to reassure her that the child was born before he met my sister, back in his home country, why he didn't tell her earlier he was embarrassed, blah, blah, blah.

My mom and my uncle and the pastor all told my sister that this was forgivable and they could work through it. The wedding continued on as planned.

Except the groom never showed up. He humiliated my little sister with her church full of guests. He left his mother a note, who did not reveal it until an hour after the wedding was scheduled because she kept hoping he would show up.[:@]

In the note, he revealed that the baby was a month old, born right there in their home city, to a woman he was sleeping around with while my trusting virtuous sister thought he was at the library studying for his college classes.

Cowards find it extremely difficult to 'fess up, and have no trouble back-pedaling the minute the fireworks start. I guess that's why I am so suspicious of the OPs boyfriend, because of my little sister's experience.

Better to know now than later, and going ballistic over a kiss might mean there was more to the story than the bf had the courage to reveal.

Or it might just have been a kiss, even an unwanted one at that. God knows. That's why I would take a break from the relationship to seek Him.



deermousie -> RE: FEELING VERY HURT AND DEPRESSED (8/12/2008 4:42:38 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Jenny-Fair
I remember reading one of the books by Elisabeth Elliot...either Passion and Purity or Quest for Love where she found out that Jim Elliot had kissed another girl. He never kissed Elisabeth until they were engaged, and so it must have hurt. However, he was a great man, and a good husband, and they were happy together. It was just something foolish that he did.


It was Passion and Purity (you are reading great books, Jenny-Fair!). The dean of Wheaton College told Jim "You have much to regret" and Jim took it seriously, repented, and never did it again.

quote:

It is not that easy to just stop thinking about someone to whom you have already given your heart.


So true. God tells us to guard our hearts, and now our sister is having a tough time because she may have given her heart away. She says:

quote:

HE TOLD ME RIGHT AWAY AND SAID THAT HE DID NOT WANT THAT TO HAPPEN AND THAT HE LOVES ME AND WANTS TO BE WITH ME


He says loves her and wants to be with her (but he kissed someone else), but he hasn't proposed marriage, and I'm guessing he is kissing her, too. What kind of relationship is this? It's not brother/sister, it's not friendship, it's not engagement and it's not marriage. She is in a holding pattern of a culturally-sanctioned but bibilically-nowhere relationship, AND he is touching her (1 Cor. 7:1,2 says it's not good outside of marriage).

So I am seeing lots of red flags here and no good reason for any of them. Were Tshavontay my beloved daughter, I would gently encourage her to end this relationship for now (they could always pick it up again later), let the hormones and rocketing emotions die down, and go over what would be the kind of relationships God would bless in her life (and help her have the determination to reject anything that went contrary to that).

I'm so sorry you are stressed and depressed, dear one. That's a red flag that something is truly wrong, and you are wise to question it and stand back a little. May God give you comfort and wisdom to handle this well; He promises to work things out for good (Rom. 8:28) and to withhold no good thing from her who walks in His ways (Ps. 84:11) so please determine in your heart you want to do things His way. I am praying for you today. (((Hugs)))



skygreen -> RE: FEELING VERY HURT AND DEPRESSED (8/15/2008 5:11:40 PM)

You can start by thanking God you found out before you married this guy, and wasted any more of your valuable time being involved with him.
Forgive him, but respect and love yourself enough to tell yourself you deseve to be with someone who is faithful (if you had an exclusive type of relationship commitment) - don't settle for poor behavior - move on and find someone more deserving of your love and devotion.

If someone thinks it is morally wrong to cheat on someone they would never ever cheat. Similar to the same reason why you would never rob a bank or kill someone, because it would go against your moral beliefs.

Your boyfriend cheating on you is a wake up call that he thinks it is acceptable to cheat on someone with whom he is involved with in a loving relationship, which shows you, that under certain circumstances he thinks it is alright. If you do not have an exclusive commitment with one another however he can date as many women as he wants.

Instead of being hurt and disappointed - focus on how grateful you are that God showed you this character flaw in him - which is
one of the ten commandments - (commit adultry).

It stinks being cheated on - it makes you have self doubts about yourself, when in fact this has nothing to do about you, it has everything to do with, your boyfriend is the wrong guy for you.



beachcooky -> RE: FEELING VERY HURT AND DEPRESSED (8/17/2008 4:56:42 PM)

quote:

I HAVE BEEN IN A RELATIONSHIP FOR 3 YEARS. LAST WEEK MY BOYFRIEND TOLD ME THAT HE CHEATED ON ME FOR THE FIRST TIME. HE ADMITTED THAT HE KISSED ANOTHER WOMAN AND THAT WAS ALL THAT HAPPENED. HE TOLD ME RIGHT AWAY AND SAID THAT HE DID NOT WANT THAT TO HAPPEN AND THAT HE LOVES ME AND WANTS TO BE WITH ME. I AM EXTREMELY HURT BY WHAT HAPPENED. I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO. I FORGAVE HIM, BUT ALL I WANT TO DO NOW IS TRY TO MOVE ON AND ERASE IT FROM MY MEMORY BUT I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO. SOMEONE PLEASE HELP AND GIVE ME SOME ADVICE.


I'm not trying to be harsh. I am simply offering advice, since you asked for it! :)
I know how hurtful it is to be cheated on. I've never been cheated on (not by my knowledge), but I have been betrayed by people I have trusted.

But if he truly loved you, why would he cheat on you? What he did was wrong (and i know you know this)...and he made the DECISION to kiss that woman. It was his choice. I really am not trying to be harsh. I don't like when people hurt...:/

But that is just what I believe. You did NOT deserve that. No one deserves to be cheated on.
I think you should take a break from him. If you ARE a Christian, you should really rely on God and give him the hurts that you are feeling. Because He's here. Often times we don't feel Him because we have SO much sin in our lives. But He is here...and He's wanting to carry your hurts with Him. He carried them on the cross already!

But I think you and your boyfriend should take a break right now. Forgiveness will come. You will be able to forgive with God's help...only if you let him.

Take care, honey. I am SO sorry that you're hurting :(



rgod -> RE: FEELING VERY HURT AND DEPRESSED (8/20/2008 10:55:18 PM)

quote:

I HAVE BEEN IN A RELATIONSHIP FOR 3 YEARS. LAST WEEK MY BOYFRIEND TOLD ME THAT HE CHEATED ON ME FOR THE FIRST TIME. HE ADMITTED THAT HE KISSED ANOTHER WOMAN AND THAT WAS ALL THAT HAPPENED. HE TOLD ME RIGHT AWAY AND SAID THAT HE DID NOT WANT THAT TO HAPPEN AND THAT HE LOVES ME AND WANTS TO BE WITH ME. I AM EXTREMELY HURT BY WHAT HAPPENED. I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO. I FORGAVE HIM, BUT ALL I WANT TO DO NOW IS TRY TO MOVE ON AND ERASE IT FROM MY MEMORY BUT I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO. SOMEONE PLEASE HELP AND GIVE ME SOME ADVICE.


I'm in the minority here, but I don't think that you need to break up with him. He cheated, which you are defining here as a kiss. But he told you immediately. He didn't try to hide it and he said this was all that happened. You guys have been together for three years so I think just breaking up seems to be kind of rash.

Instead, talk with him about it. Find out why he kissed the other woman. Share with him how much this hurts you and that you are going to try to trust him again, but that it might take you a little time. Since you've decided to forgive him, try not to keep bringing it up. Ask God to help you forgive him. Everyone makes mistakes. Keep your eyes and ears open as well - you don't have to be crazy or mistrustful about it - just be naturally observant. If you see this happen again - then escalate (or just end it since you won't be able to trust him).



lilgeezy -> RE: FEELING VERY HURT AND DEPRESSED (8/24/2008 12:31:49 PM)

I'm going to be one of the three that says NOT to just break it off and be done.

Can we keep in mind that none of us are perfect? We're all sinners, and have all failed in a moment. I think it's what happens right after that failure that we learn and grow from.
That being said:

You were together for three very faithful years, I'm assuming, and as Christians. He definitely made a very big mistake, but he really made himself vulnerable to you knowing that it COULD be the end of the relationship to tell you. I bet that as soon as it happened, he knew that he would have to tell you to keep things clear between you. I see this as a big 'whoa, we need to step back and reevaluate', not a deal breaker. He knew you two couldn't experience life and God together with this sin in between you, and given his rapid confession, was ready to get things right and get passed it so you two could go on to what God has in store for you. Not that it's a quick 'get over it' deal, but it is get-over-able, in my opinion.

And I am speaking from a recent experience. I know it's tough, trust me I know! It's ultimately your choice. If you do stay with this guy, you're going to have to make him earn this trust back, make him go the extra mile. If he's willing to be 100% exposed about what he's up to, then I think that your relationship may really stand a great chance.

You obviously love him. Pray about this - I think that you may just need some clarity. Just don't make an emotional decision!!!



ColoradoLady36 -> RE: FEELING VERY HURT AND DEPRESSED (8/28/2008 9:29:52 PM)

TShavontay, hon I wanted to ask you a few questions if you don't mind.

1. Has he given you reason to believe that he wants the relationship over and wants to move on to another?
2. Is it possible that he went further than the kiss, but that is all that he is willing to admit to?
3. Most importantly, has he repented to God about the sin of the kiss?

I hate to be a negative Nancy sweetie, but these are some really important questions. Alot can be told about a person's character, by their actions. You already know, it isn't what they always say, but what they do that speaks the most volumes. I agree with a couple of the other posters, that you do need to take a break from him. Though I don't necessarily agree with the full 60 days. That is something that needs to be left up to you. As the posters said, if he is a Christian he messed up big time, and that is between him and God. Even if you and he had been planning on marriage, it is possible that he has changed his mind...OR that he needed that one last little thrill before the nuptuals. That is the worst case scenario though. Take it from a woman that divorced a cheater 5x over. It is one of the hardest things to do to decide what is the right thing to do. Sit down and talk with him angel, you need open and honest communication if this relationship is going to last. Personally, I didn't want to know all that my ex husband had done, because it would have been torture to me, but that is up to you. God is in the business of healing, and he's good at it. If your fella hems and haws, or something just doesn't seem right about it, he probably isn't being truthful about everything.

I second what Shadow Spring said, during this time reembrace yourself as a woman. Go get a pedicure, manicure, facial. Go out to lunch with your girlfriends, and concentrate on the messages that the Almighty is sending you. I just want to say that I am so sorry for the pain that you are feeling. I have been there honey, and I do understand. But you do seem to have a beautiful faith in our Lord. God will give you the answers...



MwangiMacharia -> RE: FEELING VERY HURT AND DEPRESSED (8/29/2008 5:26:46 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Tshavontay

I HAVE BEEN IN A RELATIONSHIP FOR 3 YEARS. LAST WEEK MY BOYFRIEND TOLD ME THAT HE CHEATED ON ME FOR THE FIRST TIME. HE ADMITTED THAT HE KISSED ANOTHER WOMAN AND THAT WAS ALL THAT HAPPENED. HE TOLD ME RIGHT AWAY AND SAID THAT HE DID NOT WANT THAT TO HAPPEN AND THAT HE LOVES ME AND WANTS TO BE WITH ME. I AM EXTREMELY HURT BY WHAT HAPPENED. I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO. I FORGAVE HIM, BUT ALL I WANT TO DO NOW IS TRY TO MOVE ON AND ERASE IT FROM MY MEMORY BUT I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO. SOMEONE PLEASE HELP AND GIVE ME SOME ADVICE.


am sorry4what happened ...i have been around that road ..but WHY did he tell you???
two reasons...
1 - he is very sory and dint mean it coz he could have kept mum ..but coz of the love he has for you he couldnt keep that from you and for that dont leav hom but just keep him a distant for sometime4him to knw that he really did hurt yah not wothy of your love

2-its that he wants to show you he is fly and not desparete..and he can Get love easily with the girls ..especially if you had some misundrstanding lately ..if its so ...RUN girl!



csl7037 -> RE: FEELING VERY HURT AND DEPRESSED (8/29/2008 6:19:28 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ColoradoLady36

TShavontay, hon I wanted to ask you a few questions if you don't mind.


She hasn't logged on since the 11th. [&:]



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