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erich299 -> What to do when? (8/13/2008 2:47:05 PM)

What do you do when my wife and I are Christians that believe in what the bible says about divorce how God hates divorce however. My wife has told me "I guess we will just live this life married and not change anything". I really want a Marriage as the bible lays out. But my wife is just happy with living in a non intimate and basically like a roommate situation. We have been married for about 14 months. What do I do? I have tried to get her back into the marriage but she is done with it but will not get a divorce because of what we believe.. I have tried to show what we can do as people to fix the marriage and I don't think I am getting anywhere.. What is the next step?



URForgiven -> RE: What to do when? (8/13/2008 2:53:49 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: erich299

What do you do when my wife and I are Christians that believe in what the bible says about divorce how God hates divorce however. My wife has told me "I guess we will just live this life married and not change anything". I really want a Marriage as the bible lays out. But my wife is just happy with living in a non intimate and basically like a roommate situation. We have been married for about 14 months. What do I do? I have tried to get her back into the marriage but she is done with it but will not get a divorce because of what we believe.. I have tried to show what we can do as people to fix the marriage and I don't think I am getting anywhere.. What is the next step?


She won't divorce because of what God says, but she also will not be the wife to you that God says she should be? Sounds convoluted and convenient to me.

The bottom line is God calls us to live in peace, that even includes married folks.

Peace



car2ner -> RE: What to do when? (8/13/2008 3:29:59 PM)

keep praying and perhaps see if you can get her interested in a women's group. Caution, can't be a man-bashing type group and there are plenty of those. But women work through things by talking and other women may have insight for her. Sounds like there are some things she needs to work out. While she is doing that, take a good look at yourself as well.



stamper_ben -> RE: What to do when? (8/13/2008 3:31:20 PM)

All YOU can do is to show to her the biblical example of what a husband should be. Then it is up to the Holy Spirit to point that man out to her.

So the next step is for you to work on being that husband. Start by loving her unconditionally.



huckfinn327 -> RE: What to do when? (8/13/2008 3:33:32 PM)

Greetings Erich299,

You are doing the right thing ... Heb 13:4 Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled ...

1Co 13:4 Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,
1Co 13:5 Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;
1Co 13:6 Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;
1Co 13:7 Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.
1Co 13:8 Charity never faileth:

You are doingn the right thing ... 1Co 15:58 Therefore, my beloved brethren, be ye stedfast, unmoveable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, forasmuch as ye know that your labour is not in vain in the Lord.

Yes, God hates divorce and He also hates to see the wife who defrauds her husband.


1Co 7:3 Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.
1Co 7:4 The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.
1Co 7:5 Defraud ye not one the other ...


Huckfinn ... Baptist Pastor



DaveW -> RE: What to do when? (8/14/2008 8:54:22 AM)

THere was another thread here in the marriage folder that got moved, probably to the womens folder about a marriage with no sex forever. A woman was making the same complaint you were except her husband was getting his jollies from porn instead of her.

This is so diffult a problem. Paul and Lori Byerly of www.themarriagebed.com have a saying on this: Free Will Sucks. THey get tons of emails from people in the same boat, split about 50-50 between men and women who are way frustrated by the lack of intimacy in their supposedly christian marriage, and the other spouse just will not listen.

Keep praying.



belia77 -> RE: What to do when? (8/14/2008 9:23:22 PM)

I think maybe counseling? Then if she does not want to pray about it, you can't be in a relationship with someone that is not willing to work at the relationship.



stamper_ben -> RE: What to do when? (8/14/2008 9:31:50 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: belia77

I think maybe counseling? Then if she does not want to pray about it, you can't be in a relationship with someone that is not willing to work at the relationship.

Sure you can. I know this because Jesus wanted one with me and for a loooong time I wasn't willing.[;)]



PatricksPeaches -> RE: What to do when? (8/14/2008 10:57:35 PM)

I highly recommend biblical counseling for both of you. Sometimes it helps to have an third party present to sort out feelings and such that normally would be hidden. That would be a great first step to finding out what the underlying issue is.



cindybode -> RE: What to do when? (8/15/2008 1:57:14 AM)

I would be willing to bet the farm that your wife has some long standing hurts and resentments that she's stopped telling you about. She probably did tell you about them at one time or another, but you didn't listen. It probably wasn't deliberate - many men are clueless about what their wives really need from their husbands. Your wife most likely doesn't know how to make you understand her and has given up. I know this because I have lived it.

A husband is to love his wife as Christ loved the church. Whenever you are interacting with your wife, your first question to yourself should be, "Am I being Christlike?" Ask the Lord to show you the times you haven't been Christlike, and as they come to your attention, apologize to your wife. If you're sincere and consistent, she will begin to heal from the hurts you've unwittingly dumped on her. Wives are the responders in the relationship. No woman in her right mind gets married with the idea of making her husband's life miserable. That happens in self defense when the wife builds walls around her heart to avoid being hurt.

Help is available HERE.



DaveW -> RE: What to do when? (8/15/2008 6:56:46 AM)

quote:

I would be willing to bet the farm that your wife has some long standing hurts and resentments
I would agree with this. It is possible that there even could be suppressed sexual or physical abuse in her childhood. (back in the 1980s this affected 1/4 of all young women IN THE CHURCH and the number is higher today)

Find a good biblical counselor. Go for yourself and give her the option of going.

PRAY PRAY and PRAY some more.



Hislittleone -> RE: What to do when? (8/15/2008 1:33:33 PM)

I agree with Stamper_ben and Cindybode. Great advice from them both!



deermousie -> RE: What to do when? (8/15/2008 1:56:52 PM)

Ouch.

I recommend a doctor's appointment and then a good Christian couselor. God tells us to not stop being intimate except for short periods to pray for something special, so this arrangement you have now is not biblical. 1 Cor. 7:5

But there are problems (and a lot of it may be you - no insult intended, just it usually is both people having problems) and this could become permanent. I'm not accusing you of anything or of SMS*. Be humble and willing to learn and change and be a blessing.

*Stupid Male Syndrome: winning a wife by being attentive to emotions and being romantic, then getting married and going on to the next challenge and forgetting to be attentive and romantic to the Mrs. That's where we women live, and Scripture says to live with a wife in an understanding way. 1 Pet. 3:7 And don't forget to cuddle her. [:)] A wife who is treated like this is a happy wife!



TorchHeart -> RE: What to do when? (8/15/2008 2:22:06 PM)

erich299> This most likely has NOTHING to do with anything you've done, wittingly or unwittingly. Not everything that goes wrong in a marriage is the husband's fault, even if he is supposed to be the head of the household. Pray about it, and if the Lord shows you something that you've done wrong to her, then fix it. But otherwise, it is pretty safe to say that your wife is dealing with some very serious issues.

Some possibilities:

- Either she has deceived you into think that she is someone she is not (I mention this first, but I'm not saying that this is the most likely possibility).

- She has some very deep-seeded resentment or hurt from her past that she's dealing with (maybe from childhood or her teen-aged years).

- She's been abused in some way.

- She saw an unbilibcal style of marriage growing up with her parents or other loved ones.

- It could be some kind of psychological issue that she's been battling for a while that has nothing to do with faith.

I agree with the ideas of continuing to pray with and for her, and continuing to be a good husband who loves her unconditionally (very important). Also getting her into a women's group where others might have insight into her problems. As for the Bible (since she does seem to be willing to point out to you that it is unbiblical for a married couple to divorce), I also agree that pointing out to her where she is not living up to her end of the bargain as to what God says a good wife should be is a good idea. If she points out to you stuff about what a good husband should be, let her. It will help either remind you of what you're already doing, or show you areas where SHE feels you need to improve.

Finally, I think its a good idea to get her (and probably yourself, too) to see a counciler. Whether it is a Christian counciler or not isn't important. Your wife and you clearly need to work through whatever issues she (and, if there are any, you) have in this relationship. Bringing in a third party with PROPER QUALIFICATIONS is the best method (i.e.: don't just go to some kook; look for someone who meets the standards for your needs, whatever kind of counciler that is. A bad counciler can do just as much harm as not having one at all).

Good luck to you and your wife, and God bless you. I'll keep you both in my prayers, tonight.



divorcingmyself -> RE: What to do when? (9/13/2008 4:08:24 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: cindybode

I would be willing to bet the farm that your wife has some long standing hurts and resentments that she's stopped telling you about. She probably did tell you about them at one time or another, but you didn't listen. It probably wasn't deliberate - many men are clueless about what their wives really need from their husbands. Your wife most likely doesn't know how to make you understand her and has given up. I know this because I have lived it.

A husband is to love his wife as Christ loved the church. Whenever you are interacting with your wife, your first question to yourself should be, "Am I being Christlike?" Ask the Lord to show you the times you haven't been Christlike, and as they come to your attention, apologize to your wife. If you're sincere and consistent, she will begin to heal from the hurts you've unwittingly dumped on her. Wives are the responders in the relationship. No woman in her right mind gets married with the idea of making her husband's life miserable. That happens in self defense when the wife builds walls around her heart to avoid being hurt.

Help is available HERE.


This is the typical, Oprahized response that many Christian men have to deal with (note the demeaning reference to men that you use). It really doesn't build up the body to shift the blame to the man. If the woman is already withholding sexual intercourse within 14 months of marriage, I suspect that the brother isn't responsible for "inducing" her behavior.

Men are to love as Christ loved. Yes, and women are to submit to their husbands as the Church is to Christ. Her refusal to be more than a roommate doesn't seem to show this kind of submission. Using this to preface your castigation of this brother is appalling.

There really are women who say one thing and do not live in a Spirit-evidenced manner. Women are the responders? Where is the Biblical exemption for wives for the prescribed Christian reactions expressed by Our Lord in Matthew 5? What you are describing as "responding" is passive aggression and has no place in the actions of a submitted Christian wife.

How do you know that his wife is in her right mind? There are many men who suffer in marriage to women who are psychologically impaired. What the brother describes could very well be a sexual impairment issue that needs to be addressed openly between the two of them. Solid Biblical counseling (by a academically-trained professional counselor) seems to be needed here.



MC4JC -> RE: What to do when? (9/13/2008 4:16:23 PM)

You guys really need to see a Christian marriage counselor. How long did you date? How well did you really know each other? Did you discuss what your marriage expectations are?

Yes God hates divorce, but its a lot more to it then just that simple statement. The one poster is right. She is not being the wife that God wants her to be. There are specific "rules" in how a married couple is supposed to treat each other. To deny you of your needs is wrong.

I hope you will get counseling. Its not fair to stay in a marriage where you are just "roommates". That's not God's intentions for marriage.



lastblast -> RE: What to do when? (9/13/2008 4:46:06 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: erich299

I have tried to show what we can do as people to fix the marriage and I don't think I am getting anywhere.. What is the next step?


Be the Husband God wants you to be to her...............and don't stop praying for her and your marriage.



divorcingmyself -> RE: What to do when? (9/13/2008 4:46:26 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: erich299

What do you do when my wife and I are Christians that believe in what the bible says about divorce how God hates divorce however. My wife has told me "I guess we will just live this life married and not change anything". I really want a Marriage as the bible lays out. But my wife is just happy with living in a non intimate and basically like a roommate situation. We have been married for about 14 months. What do I do? I have tried to get her back into the marriage but she is done with it but will not get a divorce because of what we believe.. I have tried to show what we can do as people to fix the marriage and I don't think I am getting anywhere.. What is the next step?


Abandonment is a Biblical basis for divorce and it is possible to be abandoned and still live with the person. However ...

Divorce is a painful process and in the current environment (both in the Church and general society), be prepared to be treated poorly if you choose this path. Yes, the Creator hates divorce, but He loves His Children. Sometimes, this gets lost in the verbiage that you will encounter when dealing with this issue. Men do not fair well, both spiritually or physically, during and after divorce (in fact much worse on the average than women physically). So, my suggestion is to do what you know is the most and best you can (in your heart and before the Lord) to improve the relationship, while maintaining your Biblical role as the leader in the relationship.

Being a servant-leader does not mean allowing yourself to be abused or manipulated by your wife. Commit yourself to prayer, meditation/thought in silence, and fasting. This is what Our Lord and Paul did before embarking on major changes their lives. As Christian men, we should take their examples and use them. At least then, if you do divorce (and I am praying that you don't and that the Lord work in a mighty way in your marriage), then you can stand before the Father with clean hands and heart. Try to get both of you into solid, professional Christian counseling from an experienced counselor. Watch out for counselors who take the "blame the man" perspective, you want someone who is balanced in each session.

If you really can say that you have done this, then there are two things I can suggest. First, find a DivorceCare group to attend. Keep in mind that many are focused towards a woman's perspective (not the materials, but the actual groups), so try to find one with a male facilitator. Second, find a Christian attorney who can carefully help you protect your legal interests. Not all divorces have to be nasty, but the nature tends to be a function of the attorneys involved. Unless the two of you can agree on the separation of debts and property in writing without either being represented by an attorney, don't make the common male mistake of trying to do it on your own. Remember that a wise man seeks the counsel of others and we are strengthened when we stand with other believers (Philippians 1:27,28).

"Father, I pray that You grant this brother insight and wisdom as he charts his path through this difficult time. Work in both of their hearts and please use Your Spirit to convict each and begin to be expressed in their actions towards to each other. In Your Son's Name, I ask this. Amen."



divorcingmyself -> RE: What to do when? (9/13/2008 4:52:56 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MC4JC

You guys really need to see a Christian marriage counselor. How long did you date? How well did you really know each other? Did you discuss what your marriage expectations are?

Yes God hates divorce, but its a lot more to it then just that simple statement. The one poster is right. She is not being the wife that God wants her to be. There are specific "rules" in how a married couple is supposed to treat each other. To deny you of your needs is wrong.

I hope you will get counseling. Its not fair to stay in a marriage where you are just "roommates". That's not God's intentions for marriage.


Doesn't really matter what they talked about before marriage now, does it?

I have to agree with you. Just would add that a trained, professional Christian counselor seems to be needed. I have heard testimonies of (and experienced) horrible sessions with "Biblical counselors" who primary response was similar to what cindybode posted.



MC4JC -> RE: What to do when? (9/13/2008 7:53:11 PM)

In a way it does matter what they talked about regarding expectations before the marriage; as well as how long they dated. Too many rush into marriage without really sitting down and discussing what they want out of it, what goals, etc. they have.

Kinda like a pre-marriage course - find out how the other really thinks about things.

You learn in 2 ways - thru experience or thru other's experience. I've been on both sides. First marriage ended in divorce after 17 yrs and most of that was abuse (that I didn't really know about - verbal/emotional - not physical). Had we taken a pre-marriage course, I would have found out a lot about my ex that only came out during the marriage - things that would have stopped me from marrying him. However, I made that mistake and God let me do it to give me strength and wisdom so that those mistakes would not be repeated and I would allow God to choose for me.

And because I had to go thru the pain to appreciate the pleasure of love and a good marriage, DH and I sat down and wrote out our expectaions of a good marriage (separated) and then combined them into our own "Marriage Rules". We have a printed copy that hangs in our bedroom and after 6 yrs we have not broken any of them.

I don't know how much time the poster and his wife spent getting to know each other or what they really wanted. But they do need to get some counseling if the marriage is to be continued.



jaimestarcross -> RE: What to do when? (9/16/2008 6:05:43 PM)

I guess I'm too harsh in matters like this ...
Sorry, I wouldn't be living with my spouse if he refused
intimacy in our marriage and wouldn't get help/counseling.



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