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trixie123 -> Question for Moms (8/21/2008 2:58:54 PM)

Hi! I am dealing with an issue that affects me and I won't let it get me down but it does come close at times. My issue is this; I am 35 and happily married for almost 17 years. We havve 3 little boys we love so much. They are 11, 7 and 5. I thought I was done having babies after my third and we decided together that my husband should have a vasectomy. He is 43 by the way. Anyway, for the past 2 or 3 years I have been dealing with these nagging feelings of wanting another child. My kids mean the world to me and I am a very involved and stay at home mom. I feel sometimes though that I am too tired to have another. Plus hubby and I are having alot more free time together alone, which we love. He would love to have another but is equally happy if we dont.
I am on Wellbutrin for anxiety and am afraid to ever go of as my doc said I may need to be on something forever. I pray that God will take the nagging desire away but it's still here so far.
I guess I just dont understand why I still feel this way and if anyone has any similar experience and advice. Thanks!!



shadowspring -> RE: Question for Moms (8/21/2008 10:24:40 PM)

I don't know much about feelings, except that mine are for the most part an unreliable guide to making major decisions. [;)]

I do remember reading that the longer it has been since a vasectomy, the less likely a reversal is possible.

And before you adopt, you will need to start investigating the possibilities. Age limits on the parents is one show-stopper. Also, you should talk to people who have adopted under the circumstances you are considering. If you don't know anyone personally, pray that the Lord will lead you to such people.

Adopting is a serious commitment and should not be entered into based on feelings.



trixie123 -> RE: Question for Moms (8/21/2008 10:32:50 PM)

Thanks for responding. I actually have zero desire to adopt. I've been told by drs that the reversal is very possible as it hasnt been long. I guess I have to wait on God for more answers!!



cbacon5 -> RE: Question for Moms (8/21/2008 10:58:31 PM)

My wife and I have been married for 24 years. Our oldest son is 22, our youngest daughter just turned 3. I thought we were done after one, then after two, then after three, and then after four. I told my wife we're definitely done after five - but she's getting that nagging feeling again!

Children are a reward from the Lord - don't limit His desire to bless you.

Oh by the way, four of our children were C-sections and the doctors recommended we not have anymore after the first, and second, and third, and fourth. So we finally listened - and adopted number five from China!



trixie123 -> RE: Question for Moms (8/21/2008 11:31:13 PM)

Wow! What a lovely and encouraging story. Do you have any advice in regards to me being on medication?



trixie123 -> RE: Question for Moms (8/21/2008 11:33:03 PM)

Also, how did you know to trust God against your doctors advice? Thanks so much.



sen10tious -> RE: Question for Moms (8/22/2008 9:05:39 AM)

Remember: this is a public forum, YOU asked the question, and therefore I can say what I want even if it comes off as being nosy or whacko.

I think the first thing you ought to do is to spend 90 days dealing with the anxiety issue and take another look at the Wellbutrin thing. I'd tell you to attack that on several levels:
1. prayer & fasting (and get your husband on-board with this one because he has some God-given responsibility for your well-being)
2. getting a second opinion, and tell that doctor you are looking for ways to reduce your reliance on drugs
3. counseling, just in case there is something other than a chemical imbalance going on; and it should not take more than four or five sessions to determine that
4. and holistic nutrition, (guidance in this ought to be included in your prayer time because there is such a jumble of information out there) because your body needs nutrients to heal itself

I'd have you read through the Bible and make/keep a journal about all the "peace" and "fear not" places that might apply to you. Learning to trust God takes WORK! Studying like this will help. I would want to put ALL thoughts about babies "on hold" for three months to give yourself time to work through causes and cures for your anxiety. If it helps, tell yourself you need to take the time to do this for your baby because he/she will deserve a mom who can cope with all his/her special needs without side effects.

Another thing: Sometimes, (although you are a little young for this—it may apply more at your husband's age,) sometimes what we "feel" about wanting another baby is actually a God-designed instinct for grand-parenting, not parenting, where His plan is to keep the generations functioning as a family unit. The grandparents get to move on to the wisdom phase while the parents are stuck with the labor phase.

And remember that when you post on a forum you can't control what others say as long as they are not being mean, so …
To quote you:
"I am on Wellbutrin for anxiety and am afraid"
[8|] Gee, statements like that can't be good for business!



Calea37 -> RE: Question for Moms (8/22/2008 2:08:20 PM)

I am assuming that you and your husband put serious thought into it before he had the vasectomy and you knew that it should be considered permanent....

Having said that, I wonder if maybe your Wellbutrin isn't working so well and maybe you think having another baby will make you feel better? I struggle with depression and anxiety quite often (I don't take meds) but I do find that sometimes I will look for "something" to either distract me from my feelings of depression or I will look for a "reason" for my anxiety when at times, there isn't an outside reason...I'm just struggling with the anxiety that I have. I hope that makes sense. Once I realized that I do that I was able to take it to God in prayer and ask Him to help me with it. I still do it at times but am learning to recognize it much sooner now.

So I guess my point is: Are you sure you really want another baby? Or are you maybe thinking that you do because you are looking for something to distract or make you feel better?

I've never thought I wanted another baby but there have been things that I have thought, "If I could just have/do this(fill in the blank)...I would be happy (or feel better)."

Just something to consider.



coolfamily6 -> RE: Question for Moms (8/22/2008 6:47:23 PM)

I agree with the others who advised you to look at why you feel you want a baby now but didn't before. Make sure that you are not wanting a baby to make you "feel" better because as a friend said to me once: they are just babies for a short time but then you have a child forever.

As far as a reversal, my friend had two very difficult pregnancies. Her first son was born at 23 weeks 1.5 lbs. (He is a healthy 20 yr old). Her second she was on bed rest for 15 weeks. They had a vasectomy. A few yrs later they felt LED to have a reversal. Her husband did and his counts are normal but she has never conceived another child but God has blessed their obedience and they have 18 (YES, 18) children. The reversal brought them on a journey that led to the adoption of 16 from the US and abroad. God is great!



beamerjx3 -> RE: Question for Moms (8/22/2008 7:10:42 PM)

Trixie,

The anxiety issue aside, I think it is a normal motherly womanly thing to not feel like your done having children. I have three boys who keep me so busy that I can't see straight and most days I cannot even think of having another one. But at the same time I am in no way ready to close that door either.



NotDoneYet -> RE: Question for Moms (8/22/2008 7:33:10 PM)

I had the "feeling" I wasn't done either...and that was AFTER a hysterectomy...

I was right, 2 years ago we took custody of my granddaughters...who are now 3 and 5. My oldest kid (the girls' mom) will be 26 this year...



coolfamily6 -> RE: Question for Moms (8/22/2008 8:18:35 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: beamerjx3

Trixie,

The anxiety issue aside, I think it is a normal motherly womanly thing to not feel like your done having children. I have three boys who keep me so busy that I can't see straight and most days I cannot even think of having another one. But at the same time I am in no way ready to close that door either.



I am the oppoosite. I knew I was done after number three and encouraged DH to have a vasectomy. He did and then we found out we were pregnant with number four. God has a sense of humor! She is a blessing and we have never second guessed God's plan or that we have the vasectomy.



deb77 -> RE: Question for Moms (8/23/2008 1:30:53 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sen10tious

Remember: this is a public forum, YOU asked the question, and therefore I can say what I want even if it comes off as being nosy or whacko.

I think the first thing you ought to do is to spend 90 days dealing with the anxiety issue and take another look at the Wellbutrin thing. I'd tell you to attack that on several levels:
1. prayer & fasting (and get your husband on-board with this one because he has some God-given responsibility for your well-being)
2. getting a second opinion, and tell that doctor you are looking for ways to reduce your reliance on drugs
3. counseling, just in case there is something other than a chemical imbalance going on; and it should not take more than four or five sessions to determine that
4. and holistic nutrition, (guidance in this ought to be included in your prayer time because there is such a jumble of information out there) because your body needs nutrients to heal itself

I'd have you read through the Bible and make/keep a journal about all the "peace" and "fear not" places that might apply to you. Learning to trust God takes WORK! Studying like this will help. I would want to put ALL thoughts about babies "on hold" for three months to give yourself time to work through causes and cures for your anxiety. If it helps, tell yourself you need to take the time to do this for your baby because he/she will deserve a mom who can cope with all his/her special needs without side effects.

Another thing: Sometimes, (although you are a little young for this—it may apply more at your husband's age,) sometimes what we "feel" about wanting another baby is actually a God-designed instinct for grand-parenting, not parenting, where His plan is to keep the generations functioning as a family unit. The grandparents get to move on to the wisdom phase while the parents are stuck with the labor phase.

And remember that when you post on a forum you can't control what others say as long as they are not being mean, so …
To quote you:
"I am on Wellbutrin for anxiety and am afraid"
[8|] Gee, statements like that can't be good for business!


This post has some validity. I will balance it by saying that it is common to desire things and that desire is placed there by God.

I had two in my twenties, three in my thirties, a divorce, then four-oops-no, eleven in my forties! I always desired a large family. When I was looking for work, a friend I met on this site (the old CC) hired me to watch his eleven kids. We married a year later, thus making me a mom of sixteen.

You never know how God will lead. As the quote says, do not live by your feelings. The steps outlined in that post are great steps of purposing your heart to follow God and not self. Pursue God and seek first the kingdom of God. He loves to grant us the desires of our hearts, and He knows best how to do so. So give your desire to Him, and pursue to know Him like never before.



trixie123 -> RE: Question for Moms (8/24/2008 6:52:00 PM)

sen10tious "Statements like that cant be good for business'' ?what business?



trixie123 -> RE: Question for Moms (8/24/2008 6:55:52 PM)

deb77, i am confused, you said desire is placed there by god and then you said not to live by your feelings.



trixie123 -> RE: Question for Moms (8/24/2008 6:59:54 PM)

I feel great and have for a year now so i dont think i am looking for anything to distract me because I'm not having anxiety and havent for over a year. I think after # 3 I was so tired and I did pray about it alot. I didnt feel God telling me what to do, I just thought I couldnt handle anymore. Now 5 years later I feel the desire coming back. I dont know if its just because my ytime is running out and my clock is ticking or it is a genuine desire.



trixie123 -> RE: Question for Moms (8/24/2008 7:01:03 PM)

beamerjx3, thank you for your wise response.



deb77 -> RE: Question for Moms (9/10/2008 1:09:57 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: trixie123

deb77, i am confused, you said desire is placed there by god and then you said not to live by your feelings.


I don't see feelings and desire as one in the same thing. God gives us our desires. It's part of who we were made to be, imo.

Our feelings are very misguided at best. Proverbs covers subjects like passion in a negative light.

my apologies for the confusion.
God bless!



dradynsmom -> RE: Question for Moms (9/10/2008 2:45:43 PM)

I personally have not gone through with this but my sis has gone through a situation somewhat simular. My sis and her DH had 2 wounderful daughters. They planned on having several more. However when the oldest one was four they found out that both girls have a very rare enzyme storage disorder called Alphamannosidosis (SP?). Both parents have to have the recesive gene for this to show up. Turns out that my sis and her husband a one and a billion couple (seriously). The chances of any more children they have having the disorder was 95% so my DBIL had a vasectomy. THey couldn't stand the thought of putting more children through horrible pain, bone marrow transplants and months and months in the hospital. Well now both of them want more children, however both of their genes can not be used for those children. The've talked about invitro with donor sperm and all that but it doesn't seem to really be in the cards right now.
So what my sis has done to help her out is she volunteers at the local headstart and is in the nursery at church alot. It helps that she is around those children. She may not beable to have biological children but she sure can bless those that are around her. Also every chance she gets she comes and visits my children. She gets very attached to my pregnancy's and calls to get updates on the appt. (she live 4 1/2 hrs away) and comes down for the births. I actually think she cried harder than me when I miscarried. I don't get upset that she gets attached because I understand that she needs an outlet and If I can help her then thats great.
I guess my advice is to maybe find another outlet and see if that helps. Also there is nothing wrong with being on antidepresants. Alot of depressed people have a chemical embalance and it has nothing to do with your amount of faith. Just know that there is not any AD'd out there that are safe to take during pregnancy. Just something to think about.
Steph

Oh also my neices are perfectly healthy now. They both are alittle delayed but that is to be expected. Both of there Bone marrow transplants were 100% sucesses - which isn't the case all the time. God has truely blessed those children and put his guardian angels over them.



sisrev -> RE: Question for Moms (9/10/2008 4:18:30 PM)

You mentioned that your youngest is 5. It could be just a form of light grieving that your time as mother of a "baby" has come to an end. You've had a baby for 11 years! Now the littlest one is starting grow beyond the baby/toddler/pre-school years. You probably miss it. Nothing wrong with that, but it may be just a passage of life--you are leaving one stage as a mother and moving on to another. Grieve over the "loss"of not having a little one any more, then embrace the new experiences that are there as you have a little more personal freedom. There are trade-offs in every stage of life.



trixie123 -> RE: Question for Moms (9/12/2008 12:54:03 PM)

sisrev, I thought that was all it was was grieving over him getting older. I thought I would really enjoy time alone, which I do when he's in preschool. But after much prayer and consideration I don't think that's what it is. I have always embraced every stage of my kids lives. My sister used to cry at her kids birthdays-I am not like that. I love who they have become. I just feel in my heart that I want to bring another life into this world. I know the free time I will be giving up but at the same time I am so different than I was 5 yrs ago, I can leave the kids w/ my sister and go away for the weekend and I have such a wide circle of support that I didnt have then. I feel I can have this baby and still make time for me.



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