Premarital counseling by relative (Full Version)

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Kerrlaw -> Premarital counseling by relative (8/25/2008 5:58:27 PM)

I know of an engaged couple who is going through forty hours of premarital counseling.

The part I find surprising is that the counselor is the woman's father.

I am not very familiar with premarital counseling, so I was wondering if this is:

1. common

2. wise

3. appropriate



ta_mosquito -> RE: Premarital counseling by relative (8/25/2008 6:18:34 PM)

I don't think it's wise or appropriate. How are they free to discuss really personal things? I think it's a big conflict of interest.



Szaftoo -> RE: Premarital counseling by relative (8/25/2008 6:35:31 PM)

I had several hours of premarital counseling and there is no way I would have with a family member. It can get personal and some things are not for family to be involved in.



monamie -> RE: Premarital counseling by relative (8/25/2008 9:06:50 PM)

When our children married, my husband set up the pre-marital counseling through trusted pastor friends. He didn't feel it was fair (either to our children or their future spouses) for him to be the counsellor.



buckifn -> RE: Premarital counseling by relative (8/26/2008 7:43:25 AM)

none of the above. One of my biggest things is a marriage is private between husband and wife.. relatives, including parent's, children, and step-children have no business knowing/discussing private matters that concerns the marriage.



nevaehs_gaze -> RE: Premarital counseling by relative (8/26/2008 8:16:48 AM)

Imho, I think it can be wise and appropriate depending on the relationships involved. I don't see the harm in having a godly relative doing your premarital counseling, especially if they are someone whom you trust and has years of advice from their experiences to offer you. The couples I have know who have chosen family members or close friends to counsel them, have done so because they know the couple well and can offer them the best counsel available because they know them each so well. I don't understand how someone can say premarital counseling can too personal for a family member to be involved in. They are supposed be among your most personal, trusted relationships. So if I'm going to get personal about something as intimate as preparing for a godly marriage, I'd rather it be with them!



buckifn -> RE: Premarital counseling by relative (8/26/2008 10:06:14 PM)

quote:

They are supposed be among your most personal, trusted relationships. So if I'm going to get personal about something as intimate as preparing for a godly marriage, I'd rather it be with them!


That may be true before a marriage but not after. God's word is clear we are to LEAVE all others and cleave to our mate. Marriage is an intimate relationship between 2 people...other than the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit anyone else is going to make it 1 too many.



nevaehs_gaze -> RE: Premarital counseling by relative (8/27/2008 9:08:02 AM)

Correct. I am only talking about PREmarital counseling.



Szaftoo -> RE: Premarital counseling by relative (8/27/2008 9:43:27 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: nevaehs_gaze
Correct. I am only talking about PREmarital counseling.


I understand where you are coming from, however, what is said to a family member in "PREmarital counseling" will be carried into the marriage.



Roberta_ -> RE: Premarital counseling by relative (8/27/2008 12:11:42 PM)

I don't see how any good can come from it.



GregandJenny -> RE: Premarital counseling by relative (8/27/2008 12:16:28 PM)

I think it really depends on what is discussed in Pre Marital counseling. Some people go really indepth in their counseling and others do not. So it really depends.

G



doinkdom -> RE: Premarital counseling by relative (8/27/2008 12:18:50 PM)

If it's biblical pre-marital counseling, then it shouldn't matter as the bible would be the foundation and final authority, not dad, daughter or son.

But, if it's going through some book without using the bible as final authority...then there might be some weirdness to it for sure.



DaveW -> RE: Premarital counseling by relative (8/27/2008 12:21:46 PM)

quote:

I was wondering if this is:

1. common

2. wise

3. appropriate
1. No

2. No

3. No



buckifn -> RE: Premarital counseling by relative (8/27/2008 2:13:19 PM)

Yes, but pre isn't the main focus here..it's marital...marriage...and involving family members in your private marriage matters is opening the door to all sorts of problems...one of which may be them having to choose sides when disagreements occur which they always will. It's not fair to put a family member in that position imo.

Not to mention there are things I share with my spouse that I most definitely don't want to share with a relative.



Simway -> RE: Premarital counseling by relative (8/27/2008 2:32:58 PM)

No...I don't think family members should be doing any premarital counseling. There is just too many opportunities for something to be said that no other family member needs to know. I would say keep it with the pastor who is going to perform the ceremony! If the pastor should be the parent , uncle , grandfather, or what ever the case they could decline to offer counsel, and arrange for someone they trust and know to do the job. Simway



bluestone -> RE: Premarital counseling by relative (8/27/2008 2:35:11 PM)

CREEPY!



GregandJenny -> RE: Premarital counseling by relative (8/27/2008 2:44:43 PM)

quote:

Not to mention there are things I share with my spouse that I most definitely don't want to share with a relative.


I think that's a good point. To even add on to that.. There are things I share with my wife I share with NO ONE ELSE.

G



nevaehs_gaze -> RE: Premarital counseling by relative (9/2/2008 10:27:54 AM)

Perhaps our counseling never got as personal as others' have. We only discussed things from the Bible, i.e. biblical roles as husband and wife, what God thinks of divorce, children, sex, finances, etc. He (uncle) just assumed we had already discussed very personal matters between the two of us, which we had, and touched on conflict resolution and communication in marriage, and asked if we had any questions. Neither us nor him intended to get into intimate details as that would have been inappropriate with anyone other than our future spouse. What kind of truly personal matters do others discuss in premarital counseling?



Szaftoo -> RE: Premarital counseling by relative (9/2/2008 7:18:07 PM)

We had several counseling sessions on a variety of issues, some of which I would not want family to be involved in. I love them dearly but don't want their input unless asked for.

How were we going to relate to inlaws once we got married and years down the line when they needed our constant care and attention.

Setting boundaries with difficult family members.

Things in our past that could potentially be a problem.

How we were handling sexual temptation, if any.



SuccessinTruth -> RE: Premarital counseling by relative (9/3/2008 7:21:58 PM)

If the woman's father is:
a Christian man
a wise man
and someone who has the kind of marriage and family life that they want to have, there would be no problem. Of course, he wouldn't want to know the intimate details of their life and he would know better than anyone what boundaries should be there. And who would know better how to deal with those difficult in-laws?



padivan -> RE: Premarital counseling by relative (9/4/2008 9:47:52 PM)

My husband is a pastor. He has counseled his brother and cousin in premarital counseling. It got tricky with his brother and so had another pastor finish the sessions. It went fine with the cousin.
However, with a father-daughter relationship, I could see the benefit of going to someone besides her dad just for the purpose of learning to establish her own family. It would be a good time for her to be treated as an adult. Seems like it would be hard for the father to separate this out and treat her as just another counselee.
The principle of "leaving and cleaving" could possibly more difficult when dad is so very involved all the way up to the day they are married. Good also for this couple to be accountable as adults to another adult other than their parents.
Could also see the temptation for the couple not share everything that actually needs to be shared, so they may not receive the full benefit of counseling.
Padi



sharonjef2007 -> RE: Premarital counseling by relative (9/6/2008 11:04:24 AM)

My father in law was the one who married us. We had another pastor do the premarital counseling for us. We only had 2 sessions (about 3 hours each) and then had to read some books on our own.

I refused to have his dad to the counseling. It was not until during the wedding ceremony when his dad was giving the sermon that we realized there may have been hard feelings. After a few sentences of the sermon, he said, "Well, since you did not let me do your premarital counseling, let me give you some advice....." It was not good, and it was inappropriate. He told Ray that he did not listen to other people's point of view and that he had to listen to me and take my opinions into account. Then he called me bold and confident, and that I would have to hone down those parts of my personality to make the marriage work.

Needless to say, I'm VERY glad he did not do the premarital counseling and we won't be going to him for advice now that we are married either.



Sideways -> RE: Premarital counseling by relative (9/6/2008 12:17:55 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: sharonjef2007
Then he called me bold and confident, and that I would have to hone down those parts of my personality to make the marriage work.


I'm sorry, but what a jerk! Does you FIL preach at a church that always expects females to be diminutive and sweet, never contradicting anyone, especially a male? Hopefully you don't attend church with your FIL.

So, bold and confident are negative traits in a woman? No wonder the world often has such a negative view of Christians.



coolfamily6 -> RE: Premarital counseling by relative (9/7/2008 7:58:16 PM)

I am a bit surprised by the replies.

My neice is about to get married and asked dh to counsel them in addtion to our pastor. She said that we have been a huge help in her spiritual growth and that they (her future hubby, too) think counseling from someone they know and knows them would be helpful. My neice has been very close to us for her whole life because her parents are divorced and dad is not involved in church at all and mom's walk has always been spotty. She knows that we will give her godly direction and advice.

DH's cousins who do not live near us also counseled their son and future wife (agian, their pastor did, too). Which led to counseling other young couples which then led to the pastor at their church actually asking them to begin a premarital counseling ministry.



sharonjef2007 -> RE: Premarital counseling by relative (9/7/2008 8:05:04 PM)

Well, the biggest reasons I said no to my FIL doing the counseling is that #1, both he and MIL both ask a TON of questions about me and my past. I just saw this as another way for them to be intrusive and nosey. Secondly, both FIL and MIL are notorious for giving advise that we did not ask for, and then getting annoyed if we don't do it. So, for boundry issues once we were married, we were not giving him a say in our marriage. There are three of us in the marriage, God, my husband and myself. No room for parents who don't want to take a step back.



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