Growing in Christ - but enjoying friendship with a MM (Full Version)

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nuinchrist -> Growing in Christ - but enjoying friendship with a MM (8/27/2008 1:45:32 PM)

Please don't bash, I've heard it all before. I need sound advice, besides the stay away you're a home wrecker title!!

I've started limited contact with a MM that I had a 12 month long affair with. I'm not finding it hard to stay away for the most part, but I do enjoy intelligent conversation and he does still come to the house on occasion to discuss lifes events, my new job, and our mutual friends. We enjoy dinner together and friendship. There is no more intimacy and no regular phone calls.

In my spiritual journey I know this could be a conflict. I enjoy our friendship and we share so many wonderful conversations about his life and mine. Is it wrong because we had a physical affair for this not to still go on.

Do I still have to give it up? He's been my friend and vice versa. Is it wrong at this point?



BJinWA -> RE: Growing in Christ - but enjoying friendship with a MM (8/27/2008 2:51:09 PM)

quote:

Do I still have to give it up? He's been my friend and vice versa. Is it wrong at this point?


since you asked the question, i will assume that you are serious.....

Yes, and yes, unless of course, his wife and children are ok with his continuing a relationship with you. oh yeah, lets not forget his parents, coworkers and other family members that you could be hurting by your continued relationship, even if it is not physical any more.

i speak from the position of someone who was cheated on.

having said that i will defer to someone else to give you the biblical basis.



sudden -> RE: Growing in Christ - but enjoying friendship with a MM (8/27/2008 4:01:58 PM)

Hi Nuinchrist:

I think it delightful that you have such a friend and it would be even more delightful if you were to make another - his wife. Why not include her in your visits?

I'm just curious....I gather from the context that you are speaking of a man. Will you please let me know what MM stands for?

Sudden



nuinchrist -> RE: Growing in Christ - but enjoying friendship with a MM (8/27/2008 4:03:03 PM)

I did risk coming on the site and asking opinions, so I'm open to all comments.

Let's not forget the human factor and teaching. There are ways to teach without coming directly out and saying, ok it's wrong and stop. Somehow, it's not that easy.

I'm sure someone reading this has engaged in immoral acts and have a more methodical and spirtual approach to dealing with immoral situations. I'm very much wrong for engaging in this activity and have taken steps to stop. One step at a time, with spirtual enlightment and guidance. I'm not perfect and nobody is. A sin is a sin!

Just seeking insight from those who have engaged in morally disgraceful acts that somehow got out of it with grace and decency. It's not easy and I need a helping hand, not one filled with 60 lashes and an eye for an eye.



nuinchrist -> RE: Growing in Christ - but enjoying friendship with a MM (8/27/2008 4:04:13 PM)

MM = married man



bluestone -> RE: Growing in Christ - but enjoying friendship with a MM (8/27/2008 4:09:33 PM)

He is someone else's husband. You had an affair with him. You have decided to put his marriage at risk by continuing contact. How long do you really think it will be before you are back in the sack with him?

He should be chatting about life, events of the day, etc. with his WIFE.

Even if you were not a Christian, a decent person would cut off all contact.
The relationship is highly inappropriate.



nuinchrist -> RE: Growing in Christ - but enjoying friendship with a MM (8/27/2008 4:17:43 PM)

Bluestone,

I never said this was appropriate. The question still remains, how do you stop somthing you've been doing, alone. It's difficult and somehow I haven't seen much support here. Somehow, when sombody is addicted to drugs, they say go to a drug program, it somebody is addicted to gambling, go to a program. Pray about it, seek help. Well, you know what, I'm addicted to a very kind and friendly person who happens to be married. Believers tell me to just stop. Somehow it's not that easy.

So if you are really interested in helping, offer some advice that might lead me to a new beginning of healing and letting this man go. Gesh!



bluestone -> RE: Growing in Christ - but enjoying friendship with a MM (8/27/2008 4:21:50 PM)

The only way to let go is to do what smokers do: stop. take up a hobby or join a club to get some socialization and occupy your mind. Don't answer the phone if he calls. Tell him to go home to his wife.



BJinWA -> RE: Growing in Christ - but enjoying friendship with a MM (8/27/2008 4:25:35 PM)

ok-----how to do it.......

immediately initiate a program of NO CONTACT. focus on yourself and your own growth. you say that you have limited contact. that is not good enough. it is just enough to tease you, and probably him also.

if you have any sort of contact with him, it will prolong the inevitable. like they say---rip the bandaid off, don't try to remove it alittle bit at a time.

you know what to do, i'm surprised that you are asking how. there is no magical formula. the fact of the matter is that SIN HURTS. and now you are finding out how much.

i'm sorry that you are going through this. yes, there is not one of us without sin. i certainly agree with you there. but it sounds like you are looking for a way to justify continuing to sin.



nuinchrist -> RE: Growing in Christ - but enjoying friendship with a MM (8/27/2008 4:30:13 PM)

Blue,

I understand what you're saying. But, Lord it's hard. I've tried no contact and all I get from him is "how long are you going to keep up with this". I've even tried dating other people, his comment "even though I'm married, I give you everything and you'll never love them". He's right! I even changed jobs. I meet him at my former workplace. I've stopped the physical contact, but the emotional is so much harder.



Conundrum -> RE: Growing in Christ - but enjoying friendship with a MM (8/27/2008 4:33:30 PM)

I agree with BJinWA. It's going to be painful, but you must cut off all contact.

In your post #10, you say you tried no contact but he kept saying this and that. If you cut off ALL contact, you won't have to listen to his comments. All means all - no phone, no text message, no email. Don't even read them but delete them.

I take it that this man is not a Christian.

As for how long you're going to keep up with this, tell him "forever," then stick with it.

Hugs to you!



bluestone -> RE: Growing in Christ - but enjoying friendship with a MM (8/27/2008 4:33:31 PM)

I have no doubt it is very hard. But for your future, you really have no choice but to break it off. When he leaves to go home to his wife, what do you have left?[&:]



catlady11 -> RE: Growing in Christ - but enjoying friendship with a MM (8/27/2008 4:36:02 PM)

You asked "how to do it" - in a nutshell:

Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins people commit are outside their bodies, but those who sin sexually sin against their own bodies (Cor 6:18). As another poster stated it is only a matter of time before you are engaged in sexual sin.



nuinchrist -> RE: Growing in Christ - but enjoying friendship with a MM (8/27/2008 4:38:44 PM)

Guys,

Do you really believe that a friendship with this person is not possible. I know his wife and she is unaware of what has happened. Is there any way that I can remain friends with him? Again, is the emotional attachment for out ways the physical or is it the same.

I guess I'm looking for an easy answer and Blue, you might be right. It can lead to physical. But, it's been 3 months and I haven't put myself in that situation and I had a clear conversation with him on that aspect. He's agreeable to that, but thinks why do our friendship have to end. It's value added....

I'm lost and I know most of you will think that as well.



BJinWA -> RE: Growing in Christ - but enjoying friendship with a MM (8/27/2008 4:47:13 PM)

quote:

Is there any way that I can remain friends with him?


absolutely not.................................................you are not friends..................you are lovers in an IMMORAL relationship, the timing is immaterial.............

i am astounded how you are trying to rationalize this relationship.

it is a RATIONAL LIE.

i am exiting this thread because it is bringing up the pain that i felt when i found out my ex cheated..........he said all the stuff your's is saying........and then he did it again.

wake up sweetie......some day you will find him cheating on you too.



catlady11 -> RE: Growing in Christ - but enjoying friendship with a MM (8/27/2008 4:47:38 PM)

It has to end because it is WRONG - it's as simple as that. I truly believe that you already know that it is wrong and inapproproate because you are here asking us for help. No amount of justification on your part will make this relationship approrpriate. Would you want your husband to have an emotional attachment to another woman?

You deserve so much matter than leftovers. It's wonderful that you are growing in the Lord and I encourgage you to continue to grow and let Jesus fill that void in your life.

God Bless.



bluestone -> RE: Growing in Christ - but enjoying friendship with a MM (8/27/2008 4:55:36 PM)

Even if it never became physical, you are emotionally intimate with another woman's husband.

and he is a cad, or he would not cheat on her, and use you.



shadowspring -> RE: Growing in Christ - but enjoying friendship with a MM (8/27/2008 5:17:22 PM)

quote:

The question still remains, how do you stop something you've been doing, alone. It's difficult and somehow I haven't seen much support here. Somehow, when somebody is addicted to drugs, they say go to a drug program, it somebody is addicted to gambling, go to a program. Pray about it, seek help. Well, you know what, I'm addicted to a very kind and friendly person who happens to be married. Believers tell me to just stop. Somehow it's not that easy.


As someone who quit doing drugs, quit drinking and quit smoking (in that order and over several months) you just DO IT!

I did it without a 12 step program because the NA program I went to was full of people who really didn't want to quit and were still using. That was no help to me!

I found all new places to go (mostly a new workplace and started going to church- later a family from church opened their home to me and I got a new place to live too =). I prayed daily and memorized the promises I found in God's Word. I renewed my mind to God's plan for my life.

I strictly avoided people and places where drugs and drug users could be found. When I got off work I studied God's Word and prayed. (When I was still living with users, I would come home and lock myself in my room. They would actually blow weed smoke through the keyhole to try to entice me back- morons!) I went to bed at a regular time and got up at a regular time.

Right before I got clean, I moved to a new town, so it was a lot easier to avoid users since I didn't know that many people of any kind in my new town anyway.

So I would say, avoid the man. Avoid places he might be. Refuse his phone calls. If he comes to visit, lock yourself in the bathroom and pray until he leaves, but DON'T ANSWER THE DOOR. Change your e-mail, change your daily routines, change the places you hang out. Mentally associate him with something deadly or abhorrent, like anthrax or mustard gas. This will help you to JUST SAY NO.

Ive been clean thirty years, and the only way to quit is to stop doing the same old thing and do something new and different instead.

One other thought: I have never understood why any woman would want a cheating man.

He once thought his wife was wonderful and amazing and could probably talk to her about anything in the beginning of their relationship too, like he talks to you now.

I am guessing after suffering his roving eye and unfaithful heart, she is angry and resentful and he probably complains about what a heartless ***** she is.

Do you not understand that he will turn you into that resentful, abandoned woman someday too if you give him the chance? Run while you still can.



bluestone -> RE: Growing in Christ - but enjoying friendship with a MM (8/27/2008 6:04:01 PM)

You can call his wife and tell her you slept with him. That may very well end it.



Kat_D -> RE: Growing in Christ - but enjoying friendship with a MM (8/27/2008 6:27:58 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: nuinchrist

Please don't bash, I've heard it all before. I need sound advice, besides the stay away you're a home wrecker title!!


O.K., I won't bash and I'll give you some extremely sound advice; the same advice Jesus Christ gave to another adultress...

..."Neither do I condemn you; go and sin no more."



creationtalk -> RE: Growing in Christ - but enjoying friendship with a MM (8/27/2008 8:41:55 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: nuinchrist

I never said this was appropriate. The question still remains, how do you stop somthing you've been doing, alone. It's difficult and somehow I haven't seen much support here. Somehow, when sombody is addicted to drugs, they say go to a drug program, it somebody is addicted to gambling, go to a program. Pray about it, seek help. Well, you know what, I'm addicted to a very kind and friendly person who happens to be married. Believers tell me to just stop. Somehow it's not that easy.

So if you are really interested in helping, offer some advice that might lead me to a new beginning of healing and letting this man go. Gesh!


Typically the way to stop a bad habit is to replace it with something that occupies your mind and satisfies whatever need the bad habit is addressing.

Speaking of the victim of a cheating husband...if you really want to break things off, then you need to do it. You need to tell this man that you are no longer available for chats, coffee, dinner, or any other activity that you once did with him. Then find something to occupy the time you once spent with him.

One really good choice might be to visit the Bible or theology folders on this forum...ask a few questions, read a few of the posts--search your Bible for answers to some of the questions posed...search the web for other Bible translations and see what they say about the topic of interest.

Want to discuss current events? There is a folder for that too. No, it's not as good as human companionship, but there are better ways to find that than with someone else's spouse or significant other.

Find a church in you area that has a singles ministry and join in on some of the activities (at most, you do not have to be a member). Invite a woman at church to meet you for coffee to get better acquainted.

Take up a hobby, get a pet...what ever you need to do to fill the void, do it. Ask God to help you through it. Do not entertain thoughts of this man (you maybe cannot stop yourself from occasionally thinking of him, but you CAN stop yourself from dwelling on him.)



Wild-Rose -> RE: Growing in Christ - but enjoying friendship with a MM (8/27/2008 8:46:24 PM)

quote:

I've even tried dating other people, his comment "even though I'm married, I give you everything and you'll never love them". He's right!


He's wrong! He is a liar and a thief. I say a thief because he is stealing from his wife and giving it to you, and he is stealing from you - your heart, your time, your energy. He is a USER. He's got you all wrapped up in him and what good will it do you? He's never going to leave his wife and even if he does, why would you want him?



MC4JC -> RE: Growing in Christ - but enjoying friendship with a MM (8/27/2008 9:12:43 PM)

Yes you still have to give it up. Its not right for you to continue this relationship after having an affair with him. Put yourself in his wife's shoes for a minute. How would you feel if your husband continued to have a friendship with the same person he had an affair with????

And you are putting yourself and him in temptation's way - its a dangerous line to cross and because its been crossed before, it would not be hard to cross again.

You need to find yourself some single friends rather then continue with a married man.



manda59 -> RE: Growing in Christ - but enjoying friendship with a MM (8/27/2008 9:23:23 PM)

nuinchrist

If you truly want to be free of the hold this man has over you, this is what you will need to do.
Identify what need the friendship meets in you, and then pray to God about it: tell Him that you are sorry for looking to this man, instead of to Him, and then ask HIM to come into that empty part of you and meet that need instead. And then, in obedience, be willing to take whatever steps are necessary to put distance between you two.

You can't stop on your own - but with Christ, you can.

Please, for your own sake and for the sake of Christ, don't be part of this web of deceit any more. Too many lives (your own included) depend on it.



gaylel1 -> RE: Growing in Christ - but enjoying friendship with a MM (8/27/2008 9:30:59 PM)

Nuinchrist,

All of us here has gave you sound advice. And as a Christian woman, I hope you don't take it as being judgemental, but with concern because being with a married man is wrong and it does ruin your witness as a Christian.

And if you don't want the title, you need to get away from this relationship sooner the better.



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