RE: Can a man force himself to like a girl even if he's not physically attracted to her?
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RE: Can a man force himself to like a girl even if he's... - 9/7/2008 7:47:37 PM
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anewrafa
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Ok, I didn't mean repulsed like everyone's taking it here.. Only that I found it hard to believe that this is the girl I've been talking to.
Many years ago I had a friend that I knew from art school her name was Jess. We were really good friends, but I wasn't physically attracted to her. So I went after another girl her name was Li. This Ruined my friendship with Jess, and I always wonder what would have happened if I had chose Jess instead (because although i didn't know it at the time, Jess WAS attracted to me). Jess and I got along very well I mean very very well, we always had a blast when we went out, but I just didn't see her in a romantic way.
The point is, i'm trying to learn from my past experiences, not repeat them, but I just want to know, Is it possible for it to work? Or, Would that be a good thing-- Do just need to get over myself and then when I do It'll be so much better for Bea(or any girl that's interested in me) and I?
please help me out here
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RE: Can a man force himself to like a girl even if he's... - 9/7/2008 7:49:58 PM
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MC4JC
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IMO anyone that says "looks don't or shouldn't matter" is lying to themselves. Yes, inside qualities are imporatant, but lets face it - outside qualities are important too.
I think its wrong to try to force yourself in a relationship where physical attraction just isn't there. The relationship should NOT be focused on just looks, but a combination of inside and outside. You can love a person for their character, but that doesn't mean you want to marry them and go to bed with them. Physical attraction is important to a degree.
If she is not your type as far as looks, then make it clear (if you go out with her) that this is a friends only thing. I'd not do a one on one "date" - but make it as a group thing if you want. Otherwise, YOU should be the one that decides on who you date.
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RE: Can a man force himself to like a girl even if he's... - 9/7/2008 7:50:55 PM
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OneOfHisJewels
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Ok, so you aren't repulsed. I still think I have a point, though. She might look totally different to you in person. That's why I say at least meet her once, then come back and ask the question.
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RE: Can a man force himself to like a girl even if he's... - 9/7/2008 7:52:42 PM
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OneOfHisJewels
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quote:
I think its wrong to try to force yourself in a relationship where physical attraction just isn't there. The relationship should NOT be focused on just looks, but a combination of inside and outside. You can love a person for their character, but that doesn't mean you want to marry them and go to bed with them. Physical attraction is important to a degree.
ITA, but I'm just saying he may as well see how things are in person, before giving up altogether. Like I said, some people just do not photograph well.
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Now thank we all our God, with hearts and hands and voices, what wondrous things He's done, in whom the world rejoices.
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RE: Can a man force himself to like a girl even if he's... - 9/7/2008 10:45:51 PM
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vicbhe
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I really struggle with this one as I am very visual. I have tried hard to truly like some ladies who had terrific personalities, yet I wasnt attracted to them physically so much. Often these ladies were considered very attractive by most, just wasnt what I prefered in appearance. I was never able to get past the appearance thing.
That being said.... for me I don't beleive I could fall in love with someone I wasn't physically attracted to. I have done something like what you are talking about. Met someone online, they had a good pic or two, talked to them online, on the phone and thought they were it. Met in person and it just wansnt there. I have been on both sides if that.
My feeling is that if you are having to force yourself to 'like/love' someone then you are not the right person for them and there is someone out there who will not only love them for their personality but love them for the way they look. So don't shortchange yourself or them
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RE: Can a man force himself to like a girl even if he's... - 9/7/2008 11:15:04 PM
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solomonsprayer
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Short answer is probably no.
I had similar situation and could not agree to date a sister as church. She was spiritually attractive, but physically there was no attraction. None at all. Which is an obvious, logical problem for marriage. 
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RE: Can a man force himself to like a girl even if he's... - 9/7/2008 11:47:13 PM
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saraimay75
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quote:
ORIGINAL: anewrafa
Ok, I didn't mean repulsed like everyone's taking it here.. Only that I found it hard to believe that this is the girl I've been talking to.
Many years ago I had a friend that I knew from art school her name was Jess. We were really good friends, but I wasn't physically attracted to her. So I went after another girl her name was Li. This Ruined my friendship with Jess, and I always wonder what would have happened if I had chose Jess instead (because although i didn't know it at the time, Jess WAS attracted to me). Jess and I got along very well I mean very very well, we always had a blast when we went out, but I just didn't see her in a romantic way.
You are not at fault for what happened with Jess. Even after knowing her you were not attracted to her.You did not see her as she saw you you cannot help this.
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RE: Can a man force himself to like a girl even if he's... - 9/8/2008 12:59:26 AM
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Jenny-Fair
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quote:
If I had gotten to know someone online and they found me to be intelligent, educated, with a great sense of humor, easy to talk to, and someone he found worth meeting, and all the sudden he saw my picture and felt awkward and repulsed, he could go take a flying leap
Preach it, Sister!
quote:
Only that I found it hard to believe that this is the girl I've been talking to.
I think that sums up your character. You are a superficial person. You actually think our worth is reflected in our appearance.
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RE: Can a man force himself to like a girl even if he's... - 9/8/2008 6:28:22 AM
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agapetos
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quote:
You are not at fault for what happened with Jess. Even after knowing her you were not attracted to her.You did not see her as she saw you you cannot help this We can't help when someone is attracted to us ~ however, we can make it clear that we don't want to be anything other than friends with them. It's not something that's easily done and the op may not have done this.
quote:
I really struggle with this one as I am very visual. I have tried hard to truly like some ladies who had terrific personalities, yet I wasnt attracted to them physically so much. Often these ladies were considered very attractive by most, just wasnt what I prefered in appearance. I was never able to get past the appearance thing. This is the thing ~ you weren't attracted to them, but you didn't say that you're repulsed by them. There's a huge difference between not being attracted to someone and to thinking that someone isn't as attractive as they sound.
I suspect if the op had met this lady in person first, this thread would not exist as he wouldn't have given her the time of day...
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RE: Can a man force himself to like a girl even if he's... - 9/8/2008 6:38:19 AM
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DaveW
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quote:
ORIGINAL: MC4JC
IMO anyone that says "looks don't or shouldn't matter" is lying to themselves. Yes, inside qualities are imporatant, but lets face it - outside qualities are important too. You don't get it. Not everyone is wired that way. To some, looks are VERY important and to others not so much so; and to others, looks may not matter at all. I understand that how we experience something HAS to the right way and we cannot imagine that others may be completely different.
God has so wonderously made all of us that no two of us (even identical twins) are the same. There is no "one size fits all" for anything except God's rightous standard.
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RE: Can a man force himself to like a girl even if he's... - 9/8/2008 6:39:57 AM
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DaveW
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quote:
ORIGINAL: MC4JC
I think its wrong to try to force yourself in a relationship where physical attraction just isn't there. The relationship should NOT be focused on just looks, but a combination of inside and outside. I attended a church in college that taught if you had physical attraction to someone it was just a form of lust. They insisted on breaking it up.
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RE: Can a man force himself to like a girl even if he's... - 9/8/2008 10:56:45 AM
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josie423
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Just wait till you meet her in person. My husband and I met online. He saw my pictures. We met in person and he said I am the most beautiful woman he's ever met. He later told me that before me met in person he thought I was unattractive based on my pictures (and looks were a possible relationship ender for him too). Don't judge her looks by the pictures you've seen.
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RE: Can a man force himself to like a girl even if he's... - 9/8/2008 1:22:59 PM
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DaveW
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Yeah - I agree. Pictures can be very decieving.
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RE: Can a man force himself to like a girl even if he's... - 9/8/2008 3:12:32 PM
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SuccessinTruth
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Getting past your looks-oriented attraction system comes with maturity, and not necessarily age. Like agapetos said, physical beauty can be destroyed by an accident and usually fades with age. What would you do in that case? Could you stay with someone you fell in love with, married, if they were suddenly disfigured in an accident? Hard question. But an important one if you truly don't want to be as superficial as you sometimes sound. And because you asked the question, I think that you've been superficial, and you don't want to be any longer.
You can't force yourself to be attracted. But you can accept the FACT that there are things that are more important than physical appearance, as you saw in your last relationship. When you just open yourself up to another person and see all that is there that is of value, you will know if there is enough to go into a deeper relationship or not. You shouldn't be rushing into a physical relationship whether she is physically attractive to you or not, they should all start out as friendships.
Try making a list of the values that are most important to you, then the character of the person you want in your life. Last of all, when you meet the person who has those other things, look at her, and see how lovely she is.
And look at yourself, make sure you deserve her.
God bless you, you're going to get there.
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RE: Can a man force himself to like a girl even if he's... - 9/8/2008 4:22:33 PM
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DreadPirateRandy
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quote:
ORIGINAL: WhiteRoseBlessings
Additionally, women can be visual also; men don't own the market on that.
Every human on earth is visual. To say otherwise, they would be a liar. It's a part of being human.
Physical attraction DOES matter, despite what anyone says. It should never be the deciding factor in one's relationship, but no one should be so dense to ignore its factor in a relationship, especially when it comes to intimacy.
Looks alone will not permit you a happy and successful relationship. You cannot fully appreciate someone unless you absolutely know them for everything that they are. You wouldn't want to marry someone if you only liked a few out of their many characteristics. In order to experience complete attraction, you must fully know them in their entirety to appreciate it.
quote:
ORIGINAL: OneOfHisJewels
Some people do NOT photograph well, but look really good IRL.
This is really true, also. Not everyone is photogenic.
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RE: Can a man force himself to like a girl even if he's... - 9/8/2008 5:58:32 PM
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preserved
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Anewrafa...We all have the right to feel what is attractive to us or what is not...Since you started the conversation in the blind...you owe her at least the initial meet that is the polite thing to do....and then just keep it on the friendship level. There is nothing wrong with that. It is does all the time by males and females as well
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RE: Can a man force himself to like a girl even if he's... - 9/9/2008 12:01:51 AM
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georgerobbyjr
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The very title of this thread should enable you to answer your own question. Why would you force yourself to like anyone, regardless of their attributes (or lack thereof). To me it's simple. If you aren't attracted to her but enjoy talking with her it sounds more like a friendship. Be honest with her and yourself. Looks aren't everything, but they are part of the deal, and if the nicest thing you can say is that you "aren't repulsed" then stop kidding yourself.
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RE: Can a man force himself to like a girl even if he's... - 9/9/2008 8:59:34 AM
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vicbhe
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From: Arkansas
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quote:
I attended a church in college that taught if you had physical attraction to someone it was just a form of lust. They insisted on breaking it up.
Glad I wasnt brought up with that teaching. As visiual as I am Id struggle big time....laughing.
quote:
You don't get it. Not everyone is wired that way. To some, looks are VERY important and to others not so much so; and to others, looks may not matter at all.
Very good point. Took me a while to learn this, not only about looks but many other things. Best of all knowing we are not all the same free'd me to be me. I am visual and I have stopped feeling guilty about it, this is how God created me. My brother is not so much visual, their is nothing attractive about his wife physically, but she is a wonderful lady and treats him very good. He loves her just like she is and doesn't care about the looks department. In his words 'beautiful women are a dime a dozen'.
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“You cannot improve your righteousness by tearing down the righteousness of others”. W.O. Vaught
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RE: Can a man force himself to like a girl even if he's... - 9/9/2008 9:30:10 AM
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preserved
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You cannot force yourself to like someone...You can learn to like someone...but force...no
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RE: Can a man force himself to like a girl even if he's... - 9/9/2008 10:36:34 AM
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raivyne
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Well IMO being physically attracted to someone is just as important as being emotionally and intellectually attracted to him or her.
However, the only issue I have with your post is that you seem to say “I can have someone who looks better because I’m pretty darned attractive.” It’s one thing to not be attracted to someone because you just aren’t, but its another thing to not be attracted to someone because you think you are better looking than that person. I don’t know if that distinction makes any sense to you or not.
Perhaps, because I’ve never understood what men see as attractive in me I’ve never compared my looks to that of the person I’m dating? You acknowledge that you think you are attractive, I only know that men see me as attractive. So, perhaps part of your issue is your own perception.
I do know that I have experienced, many instances in my life, where people become more or less attractive to me based on their character. Maybe it would do you good to go ahead and meet her in person and see if that changes anything for you. Sometimes pictures are either too kind or not kind enough to people.
I agree with the others though, if you aren’t attracted to her after spending some time in person with her – tell her you are not interested in a romantic relationship with her. Sometimes its just not there. I don't think its shallow to acknowledge physical attraction is important, as long as that's not your only criteria. :)
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RE: Can a man force himself to like a girl even if he's... - 9/9/2008 10:42:29 AM
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laura...
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Attraction is a funny thing, you just cannot predict who you will be physically attracted to just by a picture. There's so much more that goes into attaction...the way they carry themselves, the way they smell (even the smells we don't automatically notice), the way they laugh, turn their head, look at you and others, etc. Those are all things that cannot be seen in a photo.
When I was first introduced to my hubby I did not find him to be attractive. I went on our first date simply because I wanted to go out. I have often stated since that if I had had to choose my husband out of a line-up of potentials I would never have chosen him. Within the first week of knowing him I was head over heals. I have never been so physically and emotionally attracted to anybody as I am to him. We married 8 weeks after meeting. He is the most dearest, most wonderful man, husband and servant of the Lord. I am so glad that I didn't reject him based on my initial opinion of his attractiveness to me. I am also so glad that I didn't have to choose him based on just a photograph.
I recommend that you put away that photograph and pretend that you never saw it. Then make a date to spend some in-person time together. You may be stunned to discover that she is the most attractive person in the world to you simply by getting to know her.
If after spending real time with her you find that you truly have no attraction to her then you can end the relationship by honestly telling her that you just don't click together. You will be able to base that on a lot more than just a photo.
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This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’ Jer 6:16
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RE: Can a man force himself to like a girl even if he's... - 9/9/2008 10:59:59 AM
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RichLP
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Anewrafa, do yourself and the woman a favor and don't even meet her.
I don't mean to come across as harsh, but based on your posts, you have already decided you will not entertain a relationship with her despite the fact you have not interacted with this woman even once.
Now to be fair, I am a man who likes pretty women too; I've dated a few, and if I told you looks meant nothing, I'd be lying.
But you already judged her entire person based on her photograph. Are you a monster for this? No.
Let me tell you my own story. Not too long ago I was set up by friends with two different women. I did not find either physically attractive. The first one, I saw what she looked like weeks in advance, and she was not my "type." But I agreed to meet her anyway because I was told good things about her. I refused to see her again, and the common friend who set us up told me later that the woman's pride was hurt. But I couldn't help it.
In person, she was not physically attractive whatsoever. But what deep-sixed it was her personality. She wasn't mean, rude, or whatever - she was just too quiet. I am an outgoing person who likes good conversation, and most of the talking was done by me. I forced myself to give her several instances of silence so she could talk, and she barely did. Oh, and another thing: she did not speak good English. We communicated by using another language we both speak, but even then, she was too taciturn. Frankly, she was BORING.
So you may say, "well Rich, if she had been 5'10" and a knockout would you have given her another chance?" My answer is, "perhaps." But if after a 2nd or 3rd date she was still too quiet and equally boring, I would have given up. Because dating a pretty but boring person gets tiring and old fast.
The other woman I was introduced too, well I never saw her picture, so it was a totally blind date. She wasn't attractive either, but at least she talked. I did not feel much chemistry and this person's English was even worse. And since I'm being blunt here, she's only 31 but she already had a lot of wrinkles, and that turned me off.
My point in all this, MEET the person... GIVE THEM A CHANCE. And THEN decide. Because one of the most wonderful experiences I ever had with a woman was with a girl whom at first glance, lookswise, I would have never dated... but her inner beauty blew me away and in no time I was madly in love with her. And, she suddenly became incredibly beautiful to me.
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RE: Can a man force himself to like a girl even if he's... - 9/9/2008 12:26:01 PM
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nuinchrist
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As much as some of you guys think looks don't wrinkle the face when looking at something that doesn't please you...let's be real! We all can stand some growing up. I've seen studies where kids (as innocents as it gets) picks the nice beautiful face over the not so desireable face.
anewrafa,
I sympathize with you. This might be a problem going forward and as you gain experience and recognize people for what they are inside, this will become less of an issue. But trust me, you will still have that factor of physical beauty over "Ugly Betty" but smart choice. Make friends with her and hopefully she has a half way decent personality. If not, don't waste time. God will work on your flaws in due time.
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RE: Can a man force himself to like a girl even if he's... - 9/9/2008 1:23:32 PM
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wink1
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Wow! You stepped in it didn't you? 
No, for real though, I just wanted to say that it would be a good idea to meet her in person. I agree that a picture can do you an injustice sometimes. I've seen myself on one picture, and I looked pretty nice. But, then I see myself on another picture, and for some reason I looked horrible. Even to myself! 
About forcing yourself to like someone you're not attracted too. Well, no you can't do that. But, sometimes when you look at a person "a little deeper", you'll see they're not bad looking at all. I thought the man I'm interested in now was hit! LOL! No, I'm just joking because I'm really excited! God is doing something wonderful in my life!
But, back to you. After I saw him up close and personal, I realized he didn't look bad at all. No, he's not masculine, he doesn't have blue eyes that you can swim in, and da, da, da, but he's a nice looking guy. What I'm trying to say is give it some time. Then, if you just can't get past her looks, move on.
Every woman wants to feel that she's attractive to her mate. It would be a terrible thing to be in a relationship with a man who could never tell you that you're beautiful. Plays on the self-esteem a little bit. 
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