Can a man force himself to like a girl even if he's not physically attracted to her? (Full Version)

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anewrafa -> Can a man force himself to like a girl even if he's not physically attracted to her? (9/7/2008 6:14:47 PM)

ok so here's the deal, my aunt was going to therapy for her arm and one day a girl (Bea) sitting next to her started talking to her. my aunt told Bea she reminded her of me, and that we should meet. every time my aunt would keep telling Bea that we should meet. the last time, she gave my aunt her number.. so i called her up and started talking to her.
i thought to myself maybe its better this way (to get to know someone more before knowing what they look like) so i continued to talk to her. i tried to meet her a weekend after the first time we talked, but it didn't happen.
now, three weeks later, we finally exchanged photos and i know she likes how i look, but when i saw her photo i was like, oh no..

the point is: i like her personality but we're not on the same level as far as looks are concerned..
+ she's very intelligent (something i admire as i'm kinda brainy myself)
+ she already has her bachelors degree
+ she's easy to talk to, has a good sense of humor
+ she has no serious debt, and so on...

now that i saw her photo its awkward to talk to her i don't know what to do.. i don't want to let her down, but i don't know if i could ever be attracted to her...

what do y'all think?



armydude -> RE: Can a man force himself to like a girl even if he's not physically attracted to her? (9/7/2008 6:23:51 PM)

I'm kinda curious as to what you mean by "on the same level" as far as looks are concerned.



agapetos -> RE: Can a man force himself to like a girl even if he's not physically attracted to her? (9/7/2008 6:34:34 PM)

I'm curious too...

From the thread title, I'm guessing you don't think she's as beautiful as you are handsome.

If this is the case, let her go, she can probably do better than have someone to whom looks are so important. If you continue with the relationship, it's likely that you will let her down at some point. Better sooner than later.

However, if you think she's far more beautiful than you are handsome and she still want's to be your friend (gf?) then be grateful that she doesn't place looks as a major factor in someone, because you will have found a treasure.



anewrafa -> RE: Can a man force himself to like a girl even if he's not physically attracted to her? (9/7/2008 6:42:16 PM)

I mean I know that based on a photo only, many women would consider me to be physically attractive. It's not something that I'm going to deny- I actually wear glasses at work so I don't have to deal with their comments/compliments.. Please don't take that as pride on my part because it's not.

She is not (at least based on the photo that she sent me) the same. As a man I would know that imho. However, I'm still planning on meeting her in person next weekend.
I really want to know whether it possible to get past my looks-oriented attraction system that is built-into me as a Man, or if it's even viable. Because the last girl I was interested in was pretty on the outside but Trouble on the inside, so i walked away from her..



WhiteRoseBlessings -> RE: Can a man force himself to like a girl even if he's not physically attracted to her? (9/7/2008 6:44:33 PM)

anewrafa,

Welcome to the threads. [:)]

This is a topic where I can see both sides.


I am not a proponent of "looks is everything"; in fact, quite the opposite. I don't believe anyone, male or female, should ever make a decision about someone based on their looks alone (whether that decision is favorable or not).

There have been people in my life, whom, upon "first glance" I didn't find them to be very physically appealing. But the more I got to know them (the REAL them, their character), the more physically attractive they became to me (likewise, some of the most physically attractive people can be quite, uhm, unappealing once their identifies begin to really show).

I am not just talking about romantic man / woman relationships in the above; I'm including any type of relationship with another human being.


HOWEVER, on the other side of this is the fact that I personally would never want anyone to force theirselves to look at me romantically if it just wasn't there for them; regardless of the reason. In your specific case, your reason regarding this girl is that you are not physically attracted to her. Why in the world would you want to force yourself into a relationship if it's simply not there for you?

And while I am not speaking for every woman and am speaking strictly for myself, I also would personally want a man who was romantically involved with me to look at me, physically, and see beauty. It doesn't mean that I want everyone to see me as beautiful; but yes most definitely that would be the case for the man I would be romantically involved with.

I see no good and a lot of harm in someone trying to force themselves to be attracted (on any level) to someone they're not; harm to them and harm to the other person.

Conversely, attraction isn't always immediate and often times grows over time (see my second paragraph).

There's a delicate balance in all of this.

If you absolutely know for a fact that you could never look at this girl and see her as attractive, then go with that. However, if you don't know this for a fact and are interested in her on some other levels, then perhaps you might want to just let things progress at a natural pace.



Blessings,
Sharon-Marie



WhiteRoseBlessings -> RE: Can a man force himself to like a girl even if he's not physically attracted to her? (9/7/2008 6:51:11 PM)

We were cross-posting . . .


quote:

ORIGINAL: anewrafa

I mean I know that based on a photo only, many women would consider me to be physically attractive. It's not something that I'm going to deny- I actually wear glasses at work so I don't have to deal with their comments/compliments.. Please don't take that as pride on my part because it's not.

She is not (at least based on the photo that she sent me) the same. As a man I would know that imho. However, I'm still planning on meeting her in person next weekend.
I really want to know whether it possible to get past my looks-oriented attraction system that is built-into me as a Man, or if it's even viable. Because the last girl I was interested in was pretty on the outside but Trouble on the inside, so i walked away from her..
Hmmm . . . it sounds to me that you are comparing her to you???

THAT does seem to be a bit self-involved.

quote:

I really want to know whether it possible to get past my looks-oriented attraction system that is built-into me as a Man, or if it's even viable.
The question is can YOU get past what you think of yourself?

Just because many women think that a particular man is attractive (or many men think a particular woman is attractive) doesn't mean that every woman thinks that of that particular man (or every man thinks that of that particular woman).

If you're attracted to her; great. If not, then that's fine too. But please don't make comparisons of who is the more attractive of the two of y'all.

I can tell you straight out . . . THAT would never fly with me; not for one minute. I would find it simultaneously insulting and ludicrous.





quote:

ORIGINAL: agapetos

I'm curious too...

From the thread title, I'm guessing you don't think she's as beautiful as you are handsome.

If this is the case, let her go, she can probably do better than have someone to whom looks are so important. If you continue with the relationship, it's likely that you will let her down at some point. Better sooner than later.

However, if you think she's far more beautiful than you are handsome and she still want's to be your friend (gf?) then be grateful that she doesn't place looks as a major factor in someone, because you will have found a treasure.
I do very much agree with Aga.



armydude -> RE: Can a man force himself to like a girl even if he's not physically attracted to her? (9/7/2008 6:59:37 PM)

As do I.



anewrafa -> RE: Can a man force himself to like a girl even if he's not physically attracted to her? (9/7/2008 7:01:28 PM)

maybe i should have used the title Will it help a man to develop into a better person if he's able to get past his -Genetic attraction system- and continue to get to know a girl regardless of what his -Genetic attraction system- tells him is attractive



armydude -> RE: Can a man force himself to like a girl even if he's not physically attracted to her? (9/7/2008 7:06:01 PM)

Still a lot of focus on you. I'm not sure I buy the whole "genetic attraction system" thing. We decide what's attractive by our choices.



anewrafa -> RE: Can a man force himself to like a girl even if he's not physically attracted to her? (9/7/2008 7:15:54 PM)

You decide what you like about everything? I am in awe...
(no i'm not being sarcastic, but for us mortals that kind of power is inaccessible.)



WhiteRoseBlessings -> RE: Can a man force himself to like a girl even if he's not physically attracted to her? (9/7/2008 7:20:49 PM)

I don't buy it neither.

Additionally, women can be visual also; men don't own the market on that.

And I agree, James; we can decide what's attractive to us. To do otherwise; to allow "genetics" to dictate what is and isn't attractive is rather debasing to the person allowing such in the first place.

I could take that much further . . . humans have a sin nature. Regardless of the sin, is a person to just go around doing things and then saying, "Afterall, it's in my nature to sin."

In addition to genetics, people (both male and female) also have intellect, reasoning and principles to guide them.

If a person doesn't find someone attractive, there's nothing wrong with that. But at least take responsibility and own up to it as being a decision that was made; don't try to pass it off as something that one has absolutely no control over. Human beings are not puppets; nor are they robots.



armydude -> RE: Can a man force himself to like a girl even if he's not physically attracted to her? (9/7/2008 7:21:44 PM)

I don't see sarcasm, but I am curious as to why you're in awe. We all have a choice. I can decide if I find physical features attractive or not. I can also decide what I find attractive. When I was a teenager, my focus was on physical beauty. That was it. As a result, I missed out on a lot of wonderful friendships that could have blossomed into so much more.

Now my focus is elsewhere. I pay attention to a person's personality. Is this the kind of person I want to spend time with? Will our personalities clash? Physical appearance doesn't even begin to enter into it. As a result, God has brought me a beautiful woman that is now my wife. I figure that's a good way to pick friends too.



anewrafa -> RE: Can a man force himself to like a girl even if he's not physically attracted to her? (9/7/2008 7:27:49 PM)

So you're telling me that if you see a woman and immediately feel repulsed by what you see that you have the power to change that?



armydude -> RE: Can a man force himself to like a girl even if he's not physically attracted to her? (9/7/2008 7:29:45 PM)

No, I'm telling you that what I see in her appearance doesn't matter. I'm not repulsed by what I see unless I see her being rude to someone else. It's the heart that I want to see, not the face. That is the decision. It seems you've already made yours.



anewrafa -> RE: Can a man force himself to like a girl even if he's not physically attracted to her? (9/7/2008 7:33:56 PM)

So how long did it take/what kind of training did you have to endure to achieve such a level of discipline to master your emotions? Because I would like to have such power.



karlie -> RE: Can a man force himself to like a girl even if he's not physically attracted to her? (9/7/2008 7:35:18 PM)

quote:

if you see a woman and immediately feel repulsed by what you see


I wouldn't want a single thing to do with a man who found me physically repulsing on first glance. [&:] If I had gotten to know someone online and they found me to be intelligent, educated, with a great sense of humor, easy to talk to, and someone he found worth meeting, and all the sudden he saw my picture and felt awkward and repulsed, he could go take a flying leap [:D]

Trust me, women don't need(or want) men to do them any favors such as continuing interest when they feel "repulsed". No woman wants to feel like you had to try to be attracted to her.



WhiteRoseBlessings -> RE: Can a man force himself to like a girl even if he's not physically attracted to her? (9/7/2008 7:35:21 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: anewrafa

So how long did it take/what kind of training did you have to endure to achieve such a level of discipline to master your emotions? Because I would like to have such power.
Wow. You said earlier you weren't being sarcastic. Does that still apply to your recent posts?



WhiteRoseBlessings -> RE: Can a man force himself to like a girl even if he's not physically attracted to her? (9/7/2008 7:36:35 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: karlie

quote:

if you see a woman and immediately feel repulsed by what you see


I wouldn't want a single thing to do with a man who found me physically repulsing on first glance. [&:] If I had gotten to know someone online and they found me to be intelligent, educated, with a great sense of humor, easy to talk to, and someone he found worth meeting, and all the sudden he saw my picture and felt awkward and repulsed, he could go take a flying leap [:D]

Trust me, women don't need(or want) men to do them any favors such as continuing interest when they feel "repulsed". No woman wants to feel like you had to try to be attracted to her.
AMEN!!!



anewrafa -> RE: Can a man force himself to like a girl even if he's not physically attracted to her? (9/7/2008 7:38:08 PM)

Yes it does. I know some answers can't be found without asking certain questions, I'm not afraid to ask such questions..



WhiteRoseBlessings -> RE: Can a man force himself to like a girl even if he's not physically attracted to her? (9/7/2008 7:40:34 PM)

Questions are fine. But, from my side of the computer screen, it does seem that a couple of your posts in reply to James have, in fact, been leaning towards the sarcastic side.



agapetos -> RE: Can a man force himself to like a girl even if he's not physically attracted to her? (9/7/2008 7:41:26 PM)

quote:

So you're telling me that if you see a woman and immediately feel repulsed by what you see that you have the power to change that?
It's happened with me with men... I've known men who aren't remotely handsome but when I've taken the time to get to know them, they are incredibly attractive.

quote:

I can decide if I find physical features attractive or not. I can also decide what I find attractive.
I am so glad that a guy has said this. I agree with the statement wholeheartedly. Most of us watch tv and there are people we find are handsome/beautiful, at least I know that I do! Doesn't mean that they are.

Character, manners, language, all go towards this. Once you stop looking at a person and start looking into a person, what you 'see' changes.

Question: you meet someone who you find is attractive. She thinks you are too and you date and then marry. Then something happens and either age or accident means that one or both of you aren't attractive to anyone anymore. What you gonna do? Stay together or divorce and move on to someone who's attractive? Looks do not often last (without help anyway).

quote:

I actually wear glasses at work so I don't have to deal with their comments/compliments.. Please don't take that as pride on my part because it's not.
It may not be pride, but it's vanity. You seem to think you're perfect and that by wearing glasses you'll appear less so. You know something? If you didn't wear glasses people would get used to your looks and stop noticing them.

quote:

Because the last girl I was interested in was pretty on the outside but Trouble on the inside, so i walked away from her..
This should have taught you something.



OneOfHisJewels -> RE: Can a man force himself to like a girl even if he's not physically attracted to her? (9/7/2008 7:42:40 PM)

I think all the spiritual/esoteric advice that can be said, has been sad.

I am going to give you a piece of pragmatic advice here.

Don't automatically assume that just because she doesn't look good in her picture, she won't look good. Some people do NOT photograph well, but look really good IRL. Other people are quite average...but happen to photograph well (that's kinda like me....I've gotten a lot of pm's complimenting me on my avatar...some even mistakenly thinking I'm stunning...but trust me, IRL, I am a total average Jane)...I just happen to photograph well. I always get way more compliments on my pictures than I do IRL, lol. Oh, well, may my great grandchildren be forever fooled.[8D]

Anyway, at least try one date, then if it doesn't "click," then you can just tell her it wasn't there for you, but you don't have to tell her why. If she persists on reason, and you absolutely can't avoid admitting the lack of physical attraction, still don't say she's ugly. For example, if she is short, you could say you lover her blue/brown/green/whatever color eyes, but you prefer tall women...Or you could say she had beautiful teeth, but you're used to dating burnettes, and she's a blonde, or whatever.

But if you are really not attracted to her, don't waste her time and yours. A girl needs her man to reassure her about her looks, and if you're unable to do that, it will be no fun for her. Beauty is subjective, and if you're not attracted to her, than she obviously is meant for some other man who is attracted her and can make her feel good about what she looks like. I, personally wouldn't WANT to be in a relationship where the guy wasn't attracted to me, and thankfully, beauty is subjective, and I'd feel much more comfortable dating someone who was attracted to me than who wasn't.



armydude -> RE: Can a man force himself to like a girl even if he's not physically attracted to her? (9/7/2008 7:44:36 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: anewrafa

So how long did it take/what kind of training did you have to endure to achieve such a level of discipline to master your emotions? Because I would like to have such power.
I don't know if you're being sarcastic, but that sure is funny! [sm=purplelaugh.gif]


If you want the "ability" to see people for more than just the way they appear physically, then my advice is to give yourself fully to the One that saw that we ALL (including you and me) were worthless sinners and decided to love us unconditionally. It's through His eyes that we can see others as valuable regardless of how they look. It's through the power of the cross that I see people, not my own eyes. And believe me, there's nothing special about me.



OneOfHisJewels -> RE: Can a man force himself to like a girl even if he's not physically attracted to her? (9/7/2008 7:45:47 PM)

Oh boy, I cross posted with about 5 people, lol.[:D]



armydude -> RE: Can a man force himself to like a girl even if he's not physically attracted to her? (9/7/2008 7:46:01 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: WhiteRoseBlessings

Questions are fine. But, from my side of the computer screen, it does seem that a couple of your posts in reply to James have, in fact, been leaning towards the sarcastic side.
That they may be, but my skin is thick and my head is too. Sarcasm don't hurt me at all.



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