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RE: How soon do you know... - 9/18/2008 2:13:08 AM
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OneOfHisJewels
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From: California
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quote:
Most first dates will never progress to second dates, most second dates will never progress to third dates etc.
That seems a bit pessimistic. I would think that with your list, you would have a good guideline of who to ask in the first place, and that would make you more likely to ask out someone who was likely to continue a relationship.
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Now thank we all our God, with hearts and hands and voices, what wondrous things He's done, in whom the world rejoices.
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RE: How soon do you know... - 9/18/2008 5:57:00 AM
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broyce1981
Posts: 1877
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There's only been a few people I've thought I wanted to date the first time I saw them. Usually it takes much longer for me to get to know them well enough where I would want to take them out on a date.
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RE: How soon do you know... - 9/18/2008 8:22:05 AM
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Prairiehiker
Posts: 2586
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Just an insight.
We only have some 70-75 years of life in this earth. We have to streamline the search process of mate selection or else we'd end up single until way past our child bearing years. We simply can't give everyone a chance. Attraction is there to serve us to limit who we should give a chance to. Does that make sense? I'll elaborate later when I have a chance. I'm not saying this because of desperation or anything, but I don't give people a chance when I'm not attracted to them, but when I am, I certainly have my lists to see if they match up so I can eliminate them or continue getting to know them.
_____________________________
O Lord my God, When I in awesome wonder,
Consider all the worlds Thy Hands have made;
I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder
Thy power through out the universe displayed
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.
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RE: How soon do you know... - 9/18/2008 9:15:53 AM
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John_O
Posts: 8030
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quote:
ORIGINAL: DrivenbyGod
So, your a numbers man I take it?
Not at all. I do not believe in casual dating (hence I sit home a lot). With the exception of one blind date (and the verification "second" date) that was set up for me, I've had only one "date" since I became single. If I do not see the woman as meeting my list (that is, being a good candidate for marriage) I won't date her at all. Most women never make it to the first date. My standards have been set very high
< Message edited by John_O -- 9/18/2008 9:22:25 AM >
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Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: How soon do you know... - 9/18/2008 3:57:19 PM
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John_O
Posts: 8030
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quote:
ORIGINAL: OneOfHisJewels
quote:
Most first dates will never progress to second dates, most second dates will never progress to third dates etc.
That seems a bit pessimistic. I would think that with your list, you would have a good guideline of who to ask in the first place, and that would make you more likely to ask out someone who was likely to continue a relationship.
Missed this before. Even with as detailed a list as I have, there are still things that you can't know except for in person. (Chemistry for example). Dating is a process of weeding out. As we find things that don't fit ("No deals" as opposed to "deals") we move on to the next potential
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: How soon do you know... - 9/18/2008 4:07:56 PM
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jesuschick247
Posts: 2432
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: John_O
I do not believe in casual dating (hence I sit home a lot).
LOL! I don't believe in casual dating either, which is probably why I haven't ever been on a date yet! It's sad, the guys I could never see myself with are the ones who always ask me out. I prefer to get to know the guy in his normal surroundings, like with his friends and my friends, I want to see how he treats others. I will go out with a guy that meets my "list of qualities" when I find him though. Let me rephrase that, when he realizes I found him actually! Because, I've already found him, he just doesn't know it yet! LOL!!
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RE: How soon do you know... - 9/18/2008 4:59:59 PM
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losgan
Posts: 714
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From: Austin-Garland, Texas
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I think that was part of my recent problem. What I tried with that website and stuff was more like casual dating, and it just doesn't work for me.
I don't really enjoy being on a "date" with someone I don't already know and haven't come across a "no deal" with.
For instance - if you don't know someone well, and lateness is an issue - and they are 15 minutes late to the first date (with no good reason) ... it's already a no deal, but you can't really get up and walk away from dinner either.
So, considering it has taken me this long to even be giggly interested in someone .... I guess I know pretty quickly that its not gonna fly.
I'm honestly a LITTLE scared about HOW MUCH OF MY SUPPOSEDLY IMPOSSIBLE LIST my interest seems to meet. Ok - scared to death. In a good way?
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RE: How soon do you know... - 9/18/2008 6:50:33 PM
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vikingfan
Posts: 77
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It takes a few conversations to tell where they are spiritually...are they committed to following the Lord? Is their vision for living for the Kingdom of God the same as mine? and so forth.
Just because I'm attracted to a girl doesn't mean she's the right choice. I want to be attracted to God's choice.
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RE: How soon do you know... - 9/18/2008 9:35:05 PM
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John_O
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quote:
ORIGINAL: losgan
I'm honestly a LITTLE scared about HOW MUCH OF MY SUPPOSEDLY IMPOSSIBLE LIST my interest seems to meet. Ok - scared to death. In a good way?
Why be scared if they match what you are looking for?
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: How soon do you know... - 9/18/2008 9:39:27 PM
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John_O
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quote:
ORIGINAL: vikingfan
It takes a few conversations to tell where they are spiritually...are they committed to following the Lord? Is their vision for living for the Kingdom of God the same as mine? and so forth.
Just because I'm attracted to a girl doesn't mean she's the right choice. I want to be attracted to God's choice.
Good point, but don't you think that God's choice would be attractive to you also?
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: How soon do you know... - 9/18/2008 10:13:39 PM
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gracefulgirl
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For me, I'm an observer. So, it takes a long time for me to decide whether he would be someone I would willingly date. I like to see how he acts in public, how does he treat women in the church, how does he get along with others, does he play with any of the kids at church, is he a helper, etc... For me, it isn't really about looks, it's more about character, and that can't be measured in one meeting. It takes time.
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RE: How soon do you know... - 9/18/2008 10:27:47 PM
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DrivenbyGod
Posts: 223
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quote:
The biggest problem I see with dating marginal believers is that most of them (by the framework I'm defining them in) engage in pre-marital sex, since they have one foot anchored to the world they don't see the problem with it. In the past that was a pitfall I fell into and its not one I care to revisit. It would take a very special marginal believer to be OK with not having premarital sex, and I don't think I've ever met any of them.
Of course it could be different for you because women who are marginal believers may tend to think you not wanting to have sex with them was sweet and a reflection of what a good person you are. Most males in the marginal believer category (in my experience) tend to view you not having sex with them as a negative thing.
I completely agree with you. I think if either person fits in that category there's going to be far greater temptation. I'm not so sure about the woman thinking it's cute.. possibly, but they also may take it as rejection and really try hard to get you in the old sackaroo.
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RE: How soon do you know... - 9/18/2008 11:37:09 PM
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WhiteRoseBlessings
Posts: 25990
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From: Currently . . . San Francisco
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quote:
ORIGINAL: gracefulgirl
For me, I'm an observer. So, it takes a long time for me to decide whether he would be someone I would willingly date. I like to see how he acts in public, how does he treat women in the church, how does he get along with others, does he play with any of the kids at church, is he a helper, etc... For me, it isn't really about looks, it's more about character, and that can't be measured in one meeting. It takes time.
Great post!
quote:
ORIGINAL: DrivenbyGod
How soon do you know if you'd date a girl/guy when you meet them?
What are the things that make the decision for you quickly..? I don't date to get to know someone; I date because I have gotten to know him.
So, for me, the decision as to whether I would date someone would take an undetermined amount of time.
The exception being if, upon meeting someone, I found him to be crude, rude, egotistical, hypocritical, overtly judgmental or a combination of any of those; especially if those traits were not one-time "bad days" instances.
I'm not "actively looking". Nor do I plan on doing so; it's not who I am, and I'm perfectly at Peace with that.
My late husband and I went on our first date 5 months after meeting each other. By then, we knew quite a bit about each other; and that's why we decided to date. It worked very well for both of us; and if I ever date another man again, that's exactly how I'd like it to be . . . our getting to know each other before we date each other.
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RE: How soon do you know... - 9/18/2008 11:52:48 PM
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joy2give2u
Posts: 5128
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From: Indiana
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quote:
For me, I'm an observer. So, it takes a long time for me to decide whether he would be someone I would willingly date. I like to see how he acts in public, how does he treat women in the church, how does he get along with others, does he play with any of the kids at church, is he a helper, etc... For me, it isn't really about looks, it's more about character, and that can't be measured in one meeting. It takes time. I will seond the great on this ......I agree.
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RE: How soon do you know... - 9/19/2008 12:00:22 AM
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John_O
Posts: 8030
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quote:
ORIGINAL: gracefulgirl
does he play with any of the kids at church,
I play with all the kids in church. Too much sometimes it seems. 
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: How soon do you know... - 9/19/2008 12:12:15 AM
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Prairiehiker
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From: The little house in the prairie
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I'm a little confuse here. Almost everyone is saying that they won't date someone until they know the person really well, have interacted with them for a long time, have watched how their interest interacts with other people, how they serve in church, etc, etc. Then, why date him/her? Why not marry them straight out? After all, if you know someone so well, and have been checkign them out for a long time, chances are you've allowed your feelings to grow by the time you date. And that's not a good thing because of lack of objectivity in the dating process.
I still go with, date someone to get to know them and find out if you're compatible and see if there's any red flags. Break the relationship as soon as you see a deal breaker. Don't fall "in love" with someone from a far or from your fantasy of what you think they are. Get to know them, get to know how they relate with you, and keep negotiating the relationship until you hit a dead end. IF you hit a dead end.
And nomatter how great a person is, you still have to fall in love with the man who you have a relationship with because it's about relationships, not about snagging the best of the bunch. So, Driven, my advice to you is to stop stalking women that you like, and just ask them out. Well, not all at the same time, lol.
_____________________________
O Lord my God, When I in awesome wonder,
Consider all the worlds Thy Hands have made;
I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder
Thy power through out the universe displayed
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.
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RE: How soon do you know... - 9/19/2008 12:23:10 AM
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skreyola
Posts: 1989
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From: Mars
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Prairiehiker
I'm a little confuse here. Almost everyone is saying that they won't date someone until they know the person really well, have interacted with them for a long time, have watched how their interest interacts with other people, how they serve in church, etc, etc. Then, why date him/her? Why not marry them straight out? After all, if you know someone so well, and have been checkign them out for a long time, chances are you've allowed your feelings to grow by the time you date. And that's not a good thing because of lack of objectivity in the dating process.
I still go with, date someone to get to know them and find out if you're compatible and see if there's any red flags. Break the relationship as soon as you see a deal breaker. Don't fall "in love" with someone from a far or from your fantasy. Get to know them, and keep negotiating the relationship until you hit a dead end.
I don't need to watch someone from afar that much, that I would know all those things. But I don't go up and ask perfect strangers out to dinner. I need to know at least that she professes to be a Christian, that she is, in fact, single and interested in going out, and that she doesn't smoke. Beyond that, superficial attraction might be enough before I would ask her out.
However, I must say that even if you have interacted with someone for a long time, gotten to know them, seen them in their interests, activities, and ministry involvement, you still need to date/court. There are many things that won't have come up in the conversations you've had with them, such as intimacy, probably finances, probably several issues of childrearing philosophy, and probably philosophy of marital roles. Sure, you may have had some insight in Bible study settings, but more than likely, important things will not have come up.
Intimacy is a big one in this list. The head of my church's singles program tells a story about her grandfather. He married a woman and was surprised on their wedding night to find that she thought they wouldn't be getting physically intimate, because they hadn't discussed it. He thought they hadn't discussed it because it wasn't seemly to do so. It is important to discuss matters great and small to ensure that our assumptions about our mutual understandings of topics are not mistaken. It may not be the most polite things to talk about, but it's better to know for sure up front than to be surprised after the vows have been taken.
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RE: How soon do you know... - 9/19/2008 12:35:08 AM
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Prairiehiker
Posts: 2586
Joined: 12/11/2007
From: The little house in the prairie
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quote:
However, I must say that even if you have interacted with someone for a long time, gotten to know them, seen them in their interests, activities, and ministry involvement, you still need to date/court. There are many things that won't have come up in the conversations you've had with them, such as intimacy, probably finances, probably several issues of childrearing philosophy, and probably philosophy of marital roles. Sure, you may have had some insight in Bible study settings, but more than likely, important things will not have come up.
Intimacy is a big one in this list. The head of my church's singles program tells a story about her grandfather. He married a woman and was surprised on their wedding night to find that she thought they wouldn't be getting physically intimate, because they hadn't discussed it. He thought they hadn't discussed it because it wasn't seemly to do so. It is important to discuss matters great and small to ensure that our assumptions about our mutual understandings of topics are not mistaken. It may not be the most polite things to talk about, but it's better to know for sure up front than to be surprised after the vows have been taken.
My point was, don't fall head over heels for someone until you've actually dated them, and not just watched and observed them from a far. You have to "relate" to them. That's how you determine if the relationship should move forward. It's in the relating, not in the "he's got everything in my list, we're a perfect match". You're a perfect match after you've both determined that you want to still be in a relationship with each other after having dated each other for a bit.
_____________________________
O Lord my God, When I in awesome wonder,
Consider all the worlds Thy Hands have made;
I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder
Thy power through out the universe displayed
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.
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RE: How soon do you know... - 9/19/2008 1:03:16 AM
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WhiteRoseBlessings
Posts: 25990
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Currently . . . San Francisco
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quote:
ORIGINAL: skreyola
However, I must say that even if you have interacted with someone for a long time, gotten to know them, seen them in their interests, activities, and ministry involvement, you still need to date/court. There are many things that won't have come up in the conversations you've had with them, such as intimacy, probably finances, probably several issues of childrearing philosophy, and probably philosophy of marital roles. I very much agree with what I have quoted.
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Hey there! This is Sharon-Marie, and you have reached my signature. I may not be here for a while; but if you'd like, please leave a message over in that ramblin’ thread.
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RE: How soon do you know... - 9/19/2008 8:33:00 AM
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losgan
Posts: 714
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From: Austin-Garland, Texas
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quote:
ORIGINAL: John_O
quote:
ORIGINAL: losgan
I'm honestly a LITTLE scared about HOW MUCH OF MY SUPPOSEDLY IMPOSSIBLE LIST my interest seems to meet. Ok - scared to death. In a good way?
Why be scared if they match what you are looking for?
That is a VERY good question. I'm actually going to sit down with a counselor at the church and try to find out.
So far - I think it is kinda like taking the bandaid off after you don't need it anymore ...
I have a feeling it is also NOT from God. He says "I have not given you a spirit of fear ..."
So I guess I'm scared of being hurt. As much as I've asked God for this, I think I wasn't expecting to get it? Silly me!
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RE: How soon do you know... - 9/19/2008 9:10:26 AM
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iwillfearnoevil
Posts: 4183
Joined: 11/6/2007
From: upstate NY
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Prairiehiker
I'm a little confuse here. Almost everyone is saying that they won't date someone until they know the person really well, have interacted with them for a long time, have watched how their interest interacts with other people, how they serve in church, etc, etc. Then, why date him/her? Why not marry them straight out?
great point. phrase the question differently (see threads referring to cloud & townsend dating approach), and you'll get some different answers it seems. anyways i wouldn't be scared to go on a date with someone without doing a full background check and knowing their entire history. i wonder if there are multiple concepts of what consists of a date.
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RE: How soon do you know... - 9/19/2008 9:25:25 AM
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raivyne
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quote:
ORIGINAL: iwillfearnoevil
i wonder if there are multiple concepts of what consists of a date.
very probable
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