Parents and dating at 30 (Full Version)

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losgan -> Parents and dating at 30 (9/22/2008 12:35:37 PM)

Ok, I'm very frustrated and confused right now. Perhaps I'm just now figuring out that my parents aren't infalable?

Instead of being excited about my date, they are being very critical ... of everything.

I don't think my dad likes his major (he graduated over 6 years ago mind you and has held several successful jobs since then). His interests are one of the things I LIKE about him.

My dad seems to think he has some ulterior motives for liking me. It almost makes me feel as if my dad doesn't think anyone could like me for ME. Or that there is something wrong with anyone liking me for any reason.

My mom and I apparently don't have the same opinions about looks. She keeps implying that he isn't good looking enough for me. Obviously I find him attractive. Yes, he isn't a tall guy - which my mom has always pushed for whatever reason and I've often gone along with - but as long as I (at 5'4") am not taller than the guy that is not a big deal to me.

They are questioning his devotion to God. I've SEEN the fruit of his walk with God. I'm bewildered by this, coming from two people who haven't attended church for years and whom I'm really tempted to ask "When was the last time you opened your Bible exactly?"

Is it too much to ask that, while I appreciate their protectiveness, I would also appreciate some words of encouragement??????? Sheesh. They make me feel like I'm doing something wrong even though I'm continually praying that God will make His will in the matter clear to me - and keep my heart and mind focused on Him, and not allow my feelings to cloud the truth.

My dad went as far as SNOOPING in some information that I only knew second-hand to start with! And he did not find anything alarming at that. I'm apalled at what he did.

Have a missrepresented him somehow? In being careful to tell the facts and not expound overly on the good things that I'm excited about that I've discredited him to them?

Is it so bad to have a trusting heart?

I think the only way this whole thing would be comfortable is if I just stayed single and didn't date. Yet they say they hope for someone for me. Apparently they've already dreamed someone up ... and since my interest isn't him they are discouraging me.



John_O -> RE: Parents and dating at 30 (9/22/2008 12:43:45 PM)

If you don't live with your parents, don't worry about them. YOU are the one who has to live with whomever you marry. YOU are the one who has to look at him for the rest of your life. YOU are the one taking any risk. You're all grown up now, as long as God is giving you the green light, go for it!



FunBetty -> RE: Parents and dating at 30 (9/22/2008 12:52:44 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: losgan

I think the only way this whole thing would be comfortable is if I just stayed single and didn't date. Yet they say they hope for someone for me. Apparently they've already dreamed someone up ... and since my interest isn't him they are discouraging me.


That is probably key for you there. It is tough to deal with parents. There could be several factors (like the one above). Perhaps they are afraid of losing you and so they are on defense mode.

It sounds like they are nit-picking and looking for a reason to not like him! However, they are not dating him, you are (and btw a quick woohoo!!!). I don't know how to tell you to find the balance between honoring your parents and living your life. My parental situation is much different.

BUT what counts is that he has the qualities (most importantly his walk with God)....

we'll be praying for the situation.



WaitingforBoaz -> RE: Parents and dating at 30 (9/22/2008 1:15:38 PM)

Yea! on the Date!

As far as the parents go, they have no authority over you any longer. You live independent of them. I would listen to them respectfully, consider their (and anyone else you respect) council as it says in Proverbs and make your choices based on all the information you have and the leading of the Holy Spirit.
I would not discount everything they say because you are hearing some things you know are just not right. There may be some nuggets of wisdom in there if you look hard. [;)]

~Blessings



joy2give2u -> RE: Parents and dating at 30 (9/22/2008 2:08:17 PM)

Losgan the bible tells us to honor our parents which I believe means respect them...........respect means listening to what they say, considering it and them making a decision after such consideration.........respecting another's opinion does not mean we must agree.

When your parents bring something up, listen to what they say, pray about it, weight it against what you know to be true and then ,if you can. share with them your conclusions with a calmness and sincerity reflective of the consideration you put into what they said.

For example....

You mother doesn't think he is good looking enough for you.

The next time you are with him, really look at him and ask yourself why you are attractived to him. Once you can answer the question for yourself call or email your mother letting her know you considered what she had said, spent time observing him, and have concluded you find him attractive because of x,y, and z.

I do not know much of your history but I do know (please correct me if I am incorrect) that you were badly hurt by a man.........

I do not know your parents or anything about them.........but I wonder how protective I would be after seeing my little girl hurt before.........would the pain I felt at her pain be so great that I would struggle with fear such pain might happen again?

Honor your parents, respect their opinion, try to see what is really motivating their actions and words, and then as the others have said continue in the relationship as you see the Lord leading.



netstroller -> RE: Parents and dating at 30 (9/22/2008 2:46:16 PM)

quote:

Is it so bad to have a trusting heart?

No, but as the Bible says, be "wise as a serpent but innocent as a dove." It's unfortunate that your parents have this irrational attitude. And since it would appear they are not really walking with the Lord, I would have to limit the weight I put on their opinion anyways. Not that I wouldn't try to get their opinions at all, but I would filter what I run by them with what I think they can be credible with.



WaitingforBoaz -> RE: Parents and dating at 30 (9/22/2008 3:29:23 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: netstroller

quote:

Is it so bad to have a trusting heart?

No, but as the Bible says, be "wise as a serpent but innocent as a dove." It's unfortunate that your parents have this irrational attitude. And since it would appear they are not really walking with the Lord, I would have to limit the weight I put on their opinion anyways. Not that I wouldn't try to get their opinions at all, but I would filter what I run by them with what I think they can be credible with.


This is a good point. I would not feel like I had to share everything with them. Be selective about what your share. That said, I know you are excited and want to be able to share your excitement with those who you would think would rejoice with you, so it may be hard to hold back, but I would try.

~Blessings



losgan -> RE: Parents and dating at 30 (9/22/2008 4:40:54 PM)

Thank y'all for all the advice.

I let my mom know what I "thought" she was trying to say - and apparently I took offense at something she meant as encouragement.

In my most recent email with her, I mentioned that I felt if all involved parties (me, him, my parents) were focusing on God first, the rest would work out. And she replied that she thinks ... no, she KNOWS, that focusing on God first is the most important thing.

So, I'm feeling a little better now.

And I honestly didn't realize how much what I went through hurt my family as well as me. I'm divorced because I married a man who turned out to be completely fake and who became increasingly abusive. Obviously none of us wants anyone to go through that. So we're all a little scared. I forget that they don't see what I see ... and so as my fear is ebbing away through prayer and questions being answered ... they have less to base that on.

Don't get me wrong - I'm still scared. But God reminded me that He doesn't give us a spirit of fear, and that as long as I keep my eyes on Him - He won't take me down that road again.



hotsaucygma -> RE: Parents and dating at 30 (9/22/2008 5:24:47 PM)

losgan, I am glad you and your Mom could communicate about this and come to understand each other a little better. LOL, sometimes as parents we don't know how to encourage a adult child! And I know from personal experience that a Mom never stops being hurt when her child is hurt and can be pretty protective!

I'm glad I read this, it gives me something to think about since I have a 30 year old DS that will be dating again one of these days [sm=eek.gif]. I don't want to see him hurt again either, but don't want to be "momma bear" either, LOL.

I think it was very wise counsel to say to listen to your folks, consider what they say, weigh it against what you see and what you know to be true, pray about it, and then talk it over with your parents (or with friends that may have input too). There is wisdom in many counselors! You are never too old to respect your parents and to learn from them- not that you need to always agree or "obey" them as an adult, but to listen respectfully is wise (unless of course a parent is abusive, or if not a believer there are some things I would say they may not look at from the right prespective, etc.).

Again, thanks for sharing this - it makes me think, as a parent of a single adult male, about how to act or react to my DS dating again! [:D]



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