What do you think? (Full Version)

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solo_soprano22 -> What do you think? (10/6/2008 4:27:55 PM)

With the rules concerning this topic, I didn't know if I could ask in Marriage, so I asked here. :)

My question is, if a woman cannot have intercourse, is it okay for her to marry?
(I know there are men with this issue as well, but this is women's so that's all I'm asking.)

I'm not asking for myself (although the question applies to me)...I don't really seem to have an opinion other than it depending on the two specific individuals in the relationship. I can see the logic behind just about all the opinions I've heard, and all the opinions are different.

I'm just wondering how women here think about it.



christsstar -> RE: What do you think? (10/6/2008 5:23:10 PM)

Where is it written that you get married to have sex? Being a wife is about being a help-mate and companion and support for your spouse. Nowhere does the Prov 31 woman talk about being "good in bed" too.

I will admit it could be difficult for the husband to not have relations, but I would also hope he enters the marriage knowing this.



Mrs.X -> RE: What do you think? (10/6/2008 5:41:04 PM)

I agree with Christine. Plus, there are other ways to be together sexually without actual intercourse that can be equally satisfying for both the husband and wife. I do think it's important for the husband-to-be to know of this possibility before tying the knot though, I'm sure you already know that too.



HisCovenant -> RE: What do you think? (10/6/2008 5:52:11 PM)

I agree, and think as long as he enters the marriage with reasonable expectations, it's not a problem.



pumpkin -> RE: What do you think? (10/6/2008 8:09:47 PM)

I think it is absolutely 100% something that he NEEDS to know before marriage, not just hinted at. Flat out told.
(if he were the one to not be able to, she would need to know as clearly it is the same, only reversed)

I just want to be clear on that, as I think sometimes we (as women) think that we have pretty much told a guy something, and well... they're still clueless. Or don't fully understand. It would have to be utterly clear that it would never happen.

If that were the case, I don't see why it would be wrong to marry knowing all the facts. If he was for it, and she was for it... with complete honesty... I don't think it would be wrong.



W.O.F. -> RE: What do you think? (10/6/2008 9:17:44 PM)

I have to say I disagree with the statement that it is okay as long as he knows about it before hand.

I am not going to say that it is wrong...but what person (male or female) can truly comprehend what NEVER having intercourse in the course of a lifetime of marriage will mean?

While we don't get married simply to have sexual intercourse...it is a major part of marriage..and that is how God meant for it to be. In Genesis 2:24...it is called becoming "one flesh"

A wife is a helpmeet and COMPLETER of her husband...and for men...sex really goes beyond just the Physical need...it feeds their souls and their self-esteem...especially within marriage.

Our world has so contaminated what God's purpose for sex and marriage is that we get twisted views of what sex really does for a couple.....

I think the biggest argument against it would be from I Corinthians 7:2-5.

2.But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband.
3.The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband.
4.The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife.
5.Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control

Sexual intercourse (and not just the other expressions of sexuality, but intercourse itself) are NEEDS that God has placed within us...and the only place those needs can be satisfied are withing marriage.

To marry, without the ability to EVER follow through on meeting those needs, is probably wrong...it is potentially fraudulant (and I don't care if it is the man or the woman who is unable to).

One advantage would be, if the spouse got tired of things being the way they were...they could apply for an annulment rather than a divorce, as even the state does not place the same position on a contract that does not contain sexual intercourse. It would be an unconsumated marriage...and thus only a legal contract on paper, but not as binding as a marriage.

When the Bible talks about a husband taking a woman to be his wife...it is specifically talking about bedding her.



solo_soprano22 -> RE: What do you think? (10/6/2008 9:28:16 PM)

I only have a second. The problems I see that arise (from others, and this includes some women who didn't know something was wrong until after marriage) are from husbands who thought they could handle it but couldn't. Then I see separation/divorce or general belittlement of the wife in some instances. That's what I had in mind when the thread was started... but then, remember there are women (I guess men as well) who either acquire the problem during marriage or didn't realize something was wrong til wedding night (or honeymoon [;)]).



OneOfHisJewels -> RE: What do you think? (10/6/2008 9:51:23 PM)

My advice for a woman who has that problem, and knows it ahead of time, is to find a man who also has a problem that way..for example...a man who was injured in the ahem "reproductive area" beyond recognition in a war, or something like that. I'm sure in this day and age, there is some kind of internet support group for that kind of thing, and I'm sure at least one website like that would have a dating folder.

Truthfully, I have sometimes wondered how Jonnie Earekson Tada's husband handles that very thing.

If the problem isn't discovered until after marriage..I guess medical intervention and counseling might be necessary.



solo_soprano22 -> RE: What do you think? (10/6/2008 10:07:33 PM)

I've wondered about that too (about Tada's hubby)...but he could very well have his own issues. I do believe some women (like this) are successfully married and will stay married. There are always chances that medical intervention will come along (and some find current treatments that work), but I guess my point is that it's not a guarantee...and if it pops up on you after marriage, I'm not sure what. Then treatments that work sometimes just stop working sometimes... But I guess life is that way. Anyone could wake up tomorrow with this kind of issue. I know there are other reasons for this problem though...like muscle disease and such.



solo_soprano22 -> RE: What do you think? (10/6/2008 10:39:24 PM)

quote:

One advantage would be, if the spouse got tired of things being the way they were...they could apply for an annulment rather than a divorce, as even the state does not place the same position on a contract that does not contain sexual intercourse. It would be an unconsumated marriage...and thus only a legal contract on paper, but not as binding as a marriage.


And if problems arose after marriage (fine for a while but conditions or something befell them)?



myka -> RE: What do you think? (10/7/2008 12:28:41 AM)

quote:

I am not going to say that it is wrong...but what person (male or female) can truly comprehend what NEVER having intercourse in the course of a lifetime of marriage will mean?

While we don't get married simply to have sexual intercourse...it is a major part of marriage..and that is how God meant for it to be. In Genesis 2:24...it is called becoming "one flesh"


I don't think it really matters if you can TRULY comprehend never having intercourse will mean. I think if a man and woman go into a marriage with as much openness as is possible, and there is no deception on either part; there is a matter of making a vow before God that should be the basis for the marriage, not the sexual act.

I actually know people for whom intercourse is not part of their marriage, it is more about companionship, deep knowledge of one another and sharing a life together. As things happen in our lives, our physical bodies may be unavailable for sexual activities (sometimes things interfere, and sometimes illness or medically indicated abstenance). It is truly not a 'major part' of these marriages, by mutual consent of course.

Now, sometimes, people go into marriage expecting the other person to change...



christsstar -> RE: What do you think? (10/7/2008 10:27:35 AM)

OK. Let me ask this. Are we talking young people? Like 20s and 30s? Or older people? like 50s and 60s? Or really old people? like 70s and up???

I know of a couple. Husband is 10 years older than wife. Husband has very bad heart issues and weight problems and consequently can't have sex. Wife knew this before marriage. Wife married anyway. Not a first marriage for either. They both have their own children and grandchildren. However, wife still made sacrifice in the physical part of their marriage. And they are a great couple. They complete each other, even without physical intimacy.

I am also curious, with the exception of age and the problems that come with age (or weight concerns), why would a man or woman NOT be able to ever have sex? I'm asking out of pure curiosity, because I've never heard of a young person NOT able to have it.



solo_soprano22 -> RE: What do you think? (10/7/2008 5:41:28 PM)

Because of disease.

I didn't have any age in mind when I posted.... I guess any scenario you feel like disussing. :)



christsstar -> RE: What do you think? (10/7/2008 5:48:55 PM)

OK. In my mind, since this is what I know, I'm thinking older people who have maybe been married before (either divorced or widowed).

Now, if I were to think of young adults who maybe have never been married (and presumably Christian since this is a Christian board and not having pre-marital sex), I would say it's a very difficult thing to approach and you will NEVER know how to handle the situation until you come across it.

For example, before I got married, my Fiance kept asking me if I was goign to be one of "those" women who never wanted to have sex. How was I supposed to know????? I never had sex before. I didn't know what kind of wife I was going to be in that area. My answer was, "I just pray that I will be able to meet your needs." But I had absolutely no idea what I would want or how we were going to be in that area.

So for a young couple to marry into the situation knowing it, but having never experienced it, you can't know how you will handle it.



nevaehs_gaze -> RE: What do you think? (10/7/2008 10:13:58 PM)

I don't see why not. There are other ways you both could be satisfied sexually, so I don't believe intercourse would be a big problem. It shouldn't be an issue of he can't handle it even with other methods of satisfaction, even when he thought he could, because he CAN handle it. He'd be committed to you and love you; the vows he'd make on your wedding day would still hold true. Sex isn't all there is to marriage, as you know, and as the other ladies have mentioned. Marriage is to fulfill the need of being your husband's help mate, something you're fully capable of doing with or without the ability to have intercourse. [:)]



scottishmomma46 -> RE: What do you think? (10/8/2008 12:46:26 PM)

what do you mean you cannot have intercourse? for health reasons? if your married God made it for us to do this because the word says about becoming as one.



solo_soprano22 -> RE: What do you think? (10/8/2008 12:58:54 PM)

Health reasons. I presume there might be some other reasons that aren't coming to my mind.



scottishmomma46 -> RE: What do you think? (10/8/2008 1:13:19 PM)

oh okay will i do not want go into much but i do know with my marriage to my wonderful hubby i know my s-- life is so meaningful because God has brought me such a wonderful man. i pray that you might get this problem solved



solo_soprano22 -> RE: What do you think? (10/8/2008 1:26:03 PM)

Yeah, I have in mind several things that I probably didn't put in the OP:

You can go into marriage with these problems.
You can discover the problems soon after marriage.
You can be married for months/weeks/years/decades and have an illness pop on you that no one saw coming.

I hear annulment a ton from several people (don't necesarily agree), but I wonder what people think if you get something after you've been married a while. I've known it to happen to a considerable number of women...not just with what I have (pain disorders of whatever kind), but some with degenerative diseases.



scottishmomma46 -> RE: What do you think? (10/8/2008 2:20:06 PM)

then if something has as you say "popped up" after you were married then you need to let your mate know and if he trully does love you the both of you must and should work on this together.



phosadaud -> RE: What do you think? (10/8/2008 4:33:45 PM)

While I do believe one should absolutely be completely and unabashadly upfront with a future spouse about this as it is a big deal, there is nothing in Scripture that prohibits someone from marrying because of an inability to have intercourse. Look at the woman who had the bleeding problem. Because of Mosaic law, her husband would not have been allowed to even touch her. [;)]

As others have stated, intercourse is not the only way to sexually unite with your husband (or wife but since this is Women's Only....[:D]). I know of couples who are very happy and yes, even "satisfied" even though one or both are unable to have intercourse. They have simply found other ways to unite as a married couple. And I think that is a beautiful thing - not something to look down on or view as "less valid".

And yes, stuff like this can (and does) happen even after marriage and Scripture does not say this is a valid excuse to "get out" of your marriage vows so apparently even God thinks sex shouldn't be the end all, be all of marriage.



HisCovenant -> RE: What do you think? (10/8/2008 4:40:47 PM)

I'm a big believer that true love (the godly kind that would be expected from someone equally yoked to you) would overcome not being able to have intercourse. Sure, it's something that would have to be worked through depending on the cause of the physical problem, but areas of disappointment are going to crop up throughout life. We want to be choosing spouses that will walk through those areas with us and support us in them (whether it be intercourse or any other circumstances) instead of blaming us and abandoning us to the circumstances. I think someone who is godly will be OK with no intercourse (or with alternatives...) If not, I'm afraid we're unequally yoked and a lack of intercourse is the least of the problems. The sin of divorce, adultery, or abandonment is a symptom of the root of the problem.



scottishmomma46 -> RE: What do you think? (10/8/2008 7:14:09 PM)

[:)] hey your making it sound like iam against in someway about a person not being able to have intercourse? hey i understand but you are not understanding me i am finding that about 60% of the people in this forum are turning out that way, for the expection of only about 3 people? now that is sad. i pray that it will change



HisCovenant -> RE: What do you think? (10/8/2008 7:33:11 PM)

I'm don't see what you are saying. Who's making you sound like you are against those who can't have intercourse? What are you referring to about 60% and 3 people? 60% aren't understanding you or 60% are able/not able to have intercourse? And what are 3 people expecting? Or are 3 people the exception? Who are the 3 people? I'm very confused... maybe it's just me...wouldn't be the first time [sm=blush.gif]... but I don't understand your meaning at all. Can you explain further?



scottishmomma46 -> RE: What do you think? (10/8/2008 7:40:49 PM)

well it's more than likely me who is not making sense i am so embarrassed [:o] not saying that a married couple should not have intercourse but if thier is a medical problem then of course there are ways to get around the problem.



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