|
Users viewing this topic:
none
|
|
Login  | |
|
RE: How much hobby time should a husband get..? - 10/12/2008 10:48:49 AM
|
|
|
relady
Posts: 1212
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Greater St. Louis Metro
Status: offline
|
quote:
Is your music so important to you that you are willing to cause a rift in your marriage over it? We are talking about music which for many people is MUCH more than just a hobby. As the mother of a musician, I can tell you that for a musician, music is something that is vital to life. I don't know if that is what music is for this poster, but my son (who is not married YET) knows that whomever his future wife is will HAVE to allow him the time for his music - and yes, it can be considerable if one is in an active band. He changes completely when he is not playing music - he becomes moody, negative and his entire demeanor changes for the negative.
If indeed this is just a hobby for the OP, and if it is truly just a couple of hours a week, I would vote for his wife having to capitulate and give him the "second chance". If he is a musician in his bones, she's going to ultimately lose the battle or he's going to be a VERY unhappy man.
As someone whose been married for 25 years (and learned a LOT!) I would NEVER dream of forcing my husband to do or not do anything that I know is important to him, regardless of how I feel about it. And he is the same with me. We have always allowed each other the freedom to have hobbies (and some of them have been very expensive, LOL). His happens to be computer games and mine currently is scrapbooking. We still find time to watch TV together and go to movies and out to eat.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: How much hobby time should a husband get..? - 10/12/2008 3:34:19 PM
|
|
|
Zhi
Posts: 1501
Joined: 7/31/2007
Status: online
|
quote:
respectfully disagree. Nothing should come before one's spouse except God. When people marry they need to learn to put their spouse's needs and desires before their own.
Hmm. Shouldn't this apply to the wife too though?
He appears to be willing to fulfill her desire/need to have him watching TV with her some of the time, but she appears to be unwilling to fulfill his desire/need of having a creative (music) outlet ever.
_____________________________
The optimist says the glass is half full. The pessimist says the glass is half empty. The engineer says the glass is twice as large as it needs to be.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: How much hobby time should a husband get..? - 10/12/2008 9:35:48 PM
|
|
|
hnt
Posts: 539
Joined: 4/11/2005
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: Zhi
quote:
respectfully disagree. Nothing should come before one's spouse except God. When people marry they need to learn to put their spouse's needs and desires before their own.
Hmm. Shouldn't this apply to the wife too though?
He appears to be willing to fulfill her desire/need to have him watching TV with her some of the time, but she appears to be unwilling to fulfill his desire/need of having a creative (music) outlet ever.
I was thinking the same thing personally.
_____________________________
h
Emotional abuse and Faith
Reaching for IT!!!!!!
|
|
|
|
|
RE: How much hobby time should a husband get..? - 10/12/2008 9:44:20 PM
|
|
|
Hislittleone
Posts: 628
Joined: 7/13/2007
Status: offline
|
Yep, IMO it goes both ways. However in this situation we are talking with the husband who says that it's been a problem in the past. I don't know why or all the details about it. Remember there are always two sides... I just don't get that this is as simple as a wife being selfish. It appears that there used to be an issue with this hobby and that hasn't been completely worked through yet.
But yes, in a marriage each partner should put the other before themselves.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: How much hobby time should a husband get..? - 10/12/2008 9:52:33 PM
|
|
|
Hislittleone
Posts: 628
Joined: 7/13/2007
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: hnt
quote:
ORIGINAL: Zhi
quote:
respectfully disagree. Nothing should come before one's spouse except God. When people marry they need to learn to put their spouse's needs and desires before their own.
Hmm. Shouldn't this apply to the wife too though?
He appears to be willing to fulfill her desire/need to have him watching TV with her some of the time, but she appears to be unwilling to fulfill his desire/need of having a creative (music) outlet ever.
I was thinking the same thing personally.
With things the way they are in this situation would yall suggest the op force the issue with his wife and insist on having his hobby? I'm thinking that If he did that it would likely cause more problems and drive them further apart. What they need to do is work through this together. Maybe some counseling would help.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: How much hobby time should a husband get..? - 10/13/2008 8:51:58 AM
|
|
|
sefjchc
Posts: 4
Joined: 10/9/2008
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: garsyt
What I think is the case is that you would rather do ANYTHING then sit with her in front of the TV and just be together.
Blessings,
Garsy
So, I just again wanted to thank everyone for putting in their thoughts on this. You have all given me things to think about, reflect on and pray about. But this one thing really stood out to me as being quite offensive.
I'm not sure where you concocted this idea about me wanting do do ANYTHING but spend time with my wife... but your way off.
We have been married for 11 1/2 years, have 2 awesome children, and a great life. This has just been one of those things that never seems to work itself out. And because everything else has seemed to work itself out with prayer and compromise, just having this one thing linger all of these years I just hoped to get a little Godly advise.
God bless...
|
|
|
|
|
RE: How much hobby time should a husband get..? - 10/13/2008 9:08:16 AM
|
|
|
laura...
Posts: 2921
Joined: 3/1/2005
From: NE Ohio
Status: offline
|
This really may be more of a "love language" issue than a "hobby/time" issue. What does she get from you when the two of you just sit around and watch tv? Is it her idea of quality time together? Is it physical touch? Does it promote conversation? If you haven't done it yet, then I suggest the two of you spend some time together reading "The Five Love Languages" and doing the survey in the back of the book. You may find that a focused effort on your part to speak her language more frequently will help her to not miss you so much when you are at band practice.
_____________________________
This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’ Jer 6:16
|
|
|
|
|
RE: How much hobby time should a husband get..? - 10/13/2008 11:19:46 AM
|
|
|
IonMoon
Posts: 838
Joined: 4/21/2005
From: The Unted State of Confusion
Status: offline
|
The OP did mention at least once that he was looking for general advice/opinions about this, not really comments about his personal situation. So, I think we should lay off on that. BUT it IS an interesting topic.
My opinion has been that each spouse should have time for whatever hobbies to any extent as long as each spouse's needs are being met and family/responsibilities come first.
BUT Someone just introduced me to this website:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4505_rei.html
It has an interesting POV regarding marriage and hobbies. I am piecing this together and might not get it quite right... but his theory is that 1) neither spouse should engage in ANY activity if it causes pain for the other spouse. AND that we should not engage in activities that bring us joy without our spouse. Our best moments in life should be things that we share with our spouse and if we can't than we simply shouldn't do them. He also mentions that because we should be trying to make our spouses happy, we should try to learn to enjoy the things they enjoy most so that they can continue to enjoy them.
Tara P
_____________________________
http://www.geocities.com/hallscola67/KyliesHomemadeShopIndex.htm
|
|
|
|
|
RE: How much hobby time should a husband get..? - 10/13/2008 2:11:51 PM
|
|
|
VBCYouthPastor
Posts: 16
Joined: 10/13/2008
Status: offline
|
You learn to adapt.
I absolutely HATE to play board games. I think they are the most ridiculous waste of time. However, I've discovered that my wife is a Scrabble nut. So, after a long day, we sit down together and play a few rounds.
She loathes golf. She hates watching, playing, being apart of...golf. On a beautiful Sunday afternoon though, she likes to go with me and just bring a book and ride in the cart.
It's all about making adjustments...you find common ground among the things you hate doing and make them in to a pleasureable experience for both of you.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: How much hobby time should a husband get..? - 10/16/2008 5:41:52 PM
|
|
|
2shaye
Posts: 5347
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: So. Cal.
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: relady
As someone whose been married for 25 years (and learned a LOT!) I would NEVER dream of forcing my husband to do or not do anything that I know is important to him, regardless of how I feel about it. And he is the same with me. We have always allowed each other the freedom to have hobbies (and some of them have been very expensive, LOL). His happens to be computer games and mine currently is scrapbooking. We still find time to watch TV together and go to movies and out to eat.
I agree with you 100%! To me, it sounds like immaturity on the wife's part (in the op).
quote:
ORIGINAL: laura...
This really may be more of a "love language" issue than a "hobby/time" issue. What does she get from you when the two of you just sit around and watch tv? Is it her idea of quality time together? Is it physical touch? Does it promote conversation? If you haven't done it yet, then I suggest the two of you spend some time together reading "The Five Love Languages" and doing the survey in the back of the book. You may find that a focused effort on your part to speak her language more frequently will help her to not miss you so much when you are at band practice.
Laura, I thought of this too as I was reading through the thread.
My dh fishes (I hate fishing) and I scrap. Unless we have something going on that the other is unaware of, we encourage each other to participate in their hobby. I once went on a fishing trip with my dh. After about 4 hours, he laughed, hugged me, thanked me for being such a good sport to going with him, but took me home! He's never asked me to come along again! We both realize that doing something we love, even if it does not involve the other person, is very healthy.
_____________________________
aka Skipperjoe
I Love New York!
|
|
|
|
|
RE: How much hobby time should a husband get..? - 10/16/2008 9:05:46 PM
|
|
|
Zhi
Posts: 1501
Joined: 7/31/2007
Status: online
|
Meh, requirement of dual participation is stretching it.
Unless you count "he likes to fish, I like to subsequently eat aforementioned fish", or "I like to knit, and he will occasionally wear the hat or sweater I knit for him". hehe
We have plenty of hobbies we do together, but there are some things that hubby can appreciate my interest in and the results of, but will never do. And vice versa.
_____________________________
The optimist says the glass is half full. The pessimist says the glass is half empty. The engineer says the glass is twice as large as it needs to be.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: How much hobby time should a husband get..? - 10/17/2008 9:10:42 PM
|
|
|
relady
Posts: 1212
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Greater St. Louis Metro
Status: offline
|
quote:
When people marry they need to learn to put their spouse's needs and desires before their own. It is important enough to my son that it would probably be a "deal breaker" if he had a GF that didn't understand.
quote:
But yes, in a marriage each partner should put the other before themselves. The imporant operative word here is SHOULD. I find that in real life very few people do this on any kind of consistent basis.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: How much hobby time should a husband get..? - 10/21/2008 5:21:05 PM
|
|
|
tafkam
Posts: 1981
Joined: 9/23/2005
Status: offline
|
I haven't read all the replies, but I'll offer my two cents:
My wife cannot stand either of the hobbies I participate in. She is a workaholic and sees hobbies as a huge waste of time. She almost always puts down or in some way devalues what I do a few hours each week.
I beleive that we should be the biggest supporters of what our spouses are into. We should encourage their pursuits and compliment them on what they accomplish. And we should let them indulge in it as long as it is healthy. When it becomes damaging or addicting, then it should be addressed.....other than that, let 'em go!
_____________________________
"The nine most terrifying words in the English language are, 'I'm from the government and I'm here to help.' - Ronald Reagan
Tafkam
|
|
|
|
|
RE: How much hobby time should a husband get..? - 10/23/2008 8:14:35 PM
|
|
|
firefighter38310
Posts: 36
Joined: 10/13/2008
Status: offline
|
Hobbies and relationships.
This is the second marriage for both my wife and I and we are soon to celebrate 5 years together. I assumed we have talked about all our likes and dislikes before we got married. But like everyone no matter what we have shared we learn new things all the time about each other. For the most part we are very alike in most of our major areas in living.
We spend a lot of our off time together in church activities but we understand our spare time or hobby time is important. Each of us needs “me” time. We are polar opposites in the “me” time arena. I am a workaholic and think hobbies are for lazy people. I do love to skydive occasionally, scuba dive and love to just swim in the river. I call these ways to reconnect to myself. They aren’t done that often. My wife loves board games, hiking and camping. We have tried to meet in the middle. She isn’t going to do the things I mentioned but I can hike and camp some. I will never play cards or board games though.
I have found that the longer we are married; the less I need of “me” time and the more I need of “our” time. A friend turned us on to golf last year. This game has been a real blessing to us. We both connected to it immediately and enjoyed it since. I am the world’s worst golfer and my wife is the best. (I am not a fool….she knows I post on this site). Golf gives us at least 2.5 hours of time together each time we go out. We share our thoughts, work on problems and have fun. We have even taken the grandkids along; let them ride with us in the gold cart and we trade holes.
Certainly I am not selling golf and golf isn’t the answer for everyone but for us like most couples. We need “us” time. It is important to me to have time with my wife. I respect and support my wife when she needs “her” time and she does me but it does seem like most of our problem solving is done during “our” time.
_____________________________
if you want the mission accomlished overnight..dont call Fed-Ex call a Navy Seal Team
|
|
|
|
|
RE: How much hobby time should a husband get..? - 10/23/2008 9:33:11 PM
|
|
|
Wild-Rose
Posts: 427
Joined: 1/11/2006
From: Upstate NY
Status: offline
|
quote:
let them ride with us in the gold cart
I just love a good typo. It sounds like you really pamper yourselves!
_____________________________
Wild-Rose
Rejoice that your name is written in heaven. Luke 10:20
|
|
|
|
|
RE: How much hobby time should a husband get..? - 10/23/2008 10:17:51 PM
|
|
|
rcorson
Posts: 43
Joined: 1/17/2007
Status: offline
|
My husband and I each have hobbies that allow us our "me" time and hobbies that we do together. For example, I play indoor soccer/have coffee with the girls and he golfs or works in the garage. Our hobbies we do together are camping, hunting, and anything outdoors or playing cards with friends. What's neat is that we are both flexible. I'm willing to try something that I have no interest in just to use it as an excuse to spend time with my husband. He is also often the same way.
I do think people need their space/hobby but when it begins to interfere with their relationship with God and their family, then it becomes a problem. I've even caught myself in that trap before. God is gracious and patiently persistant though; you just have to listen when he starts speaking to you about it.
quote:
I beleive that we should be the biggest supporters of what our spouses are into. We should encourage their pursuits and compliment them on what they accomplish. And we should let them indulge in it as long as it is healthy. When it becomes damaging or addicting, then it should be addressed.....other than that, let 'em go!
AMEN TO THAT!
|
|
|
|
|
RE: How much hobby time should a husband get..? - 10/23/2008 10:45:40 PM
|
|
|
firefighter38310
Posts: 36
Joined: 10/13/2008
Status: offline
|
quote:
I just love a good typo. It sounds like you really pamper yourselves!
that wasnt a typo it was a gold cart.....lol j/k
ty.. i depend on spell correct too much
have a blessed day
_____________________________
if you want the mission accomlished overnight..dont call Fed-Ex call a Navy Seal Team
|
|
|
|
|
RE: How much hobby time should a husband get..? - 10/29/2008 10:14:34 PM
|
|
|
numbingeffect
Posts: 8
Joined: 10/28/2008
Status: offline
|
I am a lead singer in a band. I also play keyboard. It does NOT take that much time necessarily AWAY from your spouse. My wife is the same way. Not with music but she'd rather I'd stay home than hang out with friends or family members. She'd rather I'd be right in front of the TV set which is fine once in awhile but I'm not like that either. If I'm at home watching tv it's me and kids with cartoons or me and news or some stupid movie. Truly I think it all stems more from a controlling issue more so than anything else. You see if you're in front of the TV she knows exactly where you are and what you're doing so she won't have to wonder what you're doing and such. It's kind of weird but I understand it. As for practicing you can do that at home. Like my band, we practice on our own and come together being already reheared. My band members all have families and careers so we're all on the same page. I'd prefer to practice more often but our guitarist considers the weekends his family time... not his wife's choice mind you. My wife is totally into me jamming though. She likes hearing me practice and attends every gig. She's really lightened up over the years though. Previously, I knew she didn't want me in a band so I never got one together. After awhile though, I just couldn't take it. It's who I am. It's all I'm about. It's my character. I think she finally learned to accept that part of me. AFter all it's one of the reasons she married me in the first place!! haha.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: How much hobby time should a husband get..? - 10/30/2008 9:02:53 AM
|
|
|
tafkam
Posts: 1981
Joined: 9/23/2005
Status: offline
|
quote:
I am a workaholic and think hobbies are for lazy people.
Does anybody else find this quote to be just a tad on the offensive side? Maybe it's because I'm married to someone who feels the same way and I'm on the receiving end of nonsense like this quite often.
Never mind that this particular "lazy person" is a self employed, full time touring musician, recording artist, writer, and producer.....so I feel I've earned my off time and what I choose to do with it does not automatically undo everything else and make me "lazy".
Okay, rant mode off.....I'm better now.... 
_____________________________
"The nine most terrifying words in the English language are, 'I'm from the government and I'm here to help.' - Ronald Reagan
Tafkam
|
|
|
|
|
RE: How much hobby time should a husband get..? - 11/1/2008 4:33:11 AM
|
|
|
Child4Jesus
Posts: 467
Joined: 5/24/2005
From: Long Island, Nassau, Elmont, NY
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: IonMoon
The OP did mention at least once that he was looking for general advice/opinions about this, not really comments about his personal situation. So, I think we should lay off on that. BUT it IS an interesting topic.
My opinion has been that each spouse should have time for whatever hobbies to any extent as long as each spouse's needs are being met and family/responsibilities come first.
BUT Someone just introduced me to this website:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4505_rei.html
It has an interesting POV regarding marriage and hobbies. I am piecing this together and might not get it quite right... but his theory is that 1) neither spouse should engage in ANY activity if it causes pain for the other spouse. AND that we should not engage in activities that bring us joy without our spouse. Our best moments in life should be things that we share with our spouse and if we can't than we simply shouldn't do them. He also mentions that because we should be trying to make our spouses happy, we should try to learn to enjoy the things they enjoy most so that they can continue to enjoy them.
Tara P
See the fact of the matter is you don't won't things to get to a level where your spouse is controlling you. Honey it hurts me that you work out. Honey it hurts me that you do the job you do. Honey it hurts me that you play basketball with your friends.
The pain part I can understand. The second part, "We should not engage in activities that bring us joy without our spouse." This is ridiculous. So once married any and everything I do that is fun I MUST do with my spouse. So if she has a job that she has to travel and I'm left home, I can't do anything that is fun and brings me joy?
_____________________________
In Christ,
Richad
The greatest heresy to American Christianity is that if you ask Jesus to come into your heart, he definitely will.
Paul Washer
|
|
|
|
 New Messages |
 No New Messages |
 Hot Topic w/ New Messages |
 Hot Topic w/o New Messages |
 Locked w/ New Messages |
 Locked w/o New Messages |
|
 Post New Thread
Reply to Message
Post New Poll
Submit Vote
Delete My Own Post
Delete My Own Thread
Rate Posts |
|
|
Forum Tools
Printable Version
). But over the years we've learned to compromise in certain areas and have actually grown to like more of the same things now. 
