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RE: Requesting a date: Can I ask an honest question? - 10/24/2008 12:12:23 PM
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lynnmoon
Posts: 275
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: online
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Hi all,
I haven’t logged onto Crosswalk in like, 2 million years, so hopefully my popping up in a random thread isn’t terribly offensive to some that don’t know me. But I happened upon Crosswalk this morning and happened upon this thread and it was too interesting for me to pass up. Don’t really know why exactly, just thought the question and conversation that followed was fascinating…But some comments provoked me enough to log back in and participate in the forums of Crosswalk once again. It really is like the Borg, I think. 
I was chuckling to myself about this wonderful hypothetical kissing scene and knew it would illicit some interesting conversation.
iwillfearnoevil said...
quote:
so some girls say just do it but some say asking appeals to them. to the asking ladies, what would your reaction have been if he didn't ask in that scenario as you both leaned forward ...
unless most of you say, you'd be extremely offended, it seems just kissing is the better way to go as asking will ruin the mood?
I don't think one would want to necessarily take that stance and ruin somebody's potentially most romantic moment ever. I think there are as many diverse opinions about such things as their are single people in this forum.
My thought (because I'm a little old fashioned I think)...if you are at the point of kissing someone, I HOPE you know that person well enough to know what kind of stuff she is into. If you've got yourself a hopeless romantic who will gush over such a question, it would be cool to give her something to gush about.
If you have an analyzing woman who is gonna get miffed at the idiocy of such a request you probably already know that.
If not, don't be kissing on her till you know her a little better!
LOL, I'm obviously not a first date kind of kisser.
_____________________________
Lynn
Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.
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RE: Requesting a date: Can I ask an honest question? - 10/24/2008 12:22:40 PM
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FunBetty
Posts: 7518
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Dr Pepper Country
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lynnmoon! I remember you!!!! (I used to be known as JungleSkipperTina)
Anywho...
to sum it up from a quote from the movie Hitch:
quote:
This could be her last first kiss.
So wouldn't one want to make sure you were both ready before proceeding? (and going with Lynnmoon's suggestion of making sure you knew the other person well enough...)
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Fun Betty's Therapy Centre and Cheesecake and Cookie Shoppe
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RE: Requesting a date: Can I ask an honest question? - 10/24/2008 1:26:19 PM
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iwillfearnoevil
Posts: 4461
Joined: 11/6/2007
From: upstate NY
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: lynnmoon
I don't think one would want to necessarily take that stance and ruin somebody's potentially most romantic moment ever.
no one posted that a guy not asking when BOTH were giving clear signals and moving towards that point, etc ruined anything ... but i do agree that one should know the opposite person really well before attempting such a maneuver ...
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Photoblogging My Life
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RE: Requesting a date: Can I ask an honest question? - 10/24/2008 3:20:37 PM
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lynnmoon
Posts: 275
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: online
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FunBetty, I remember you too!! 
Tinkerbell_, Adam will be the one with the leaf and I'll be the one talking WAY TOO MUCH!!!! Anyhoo, I like your line of thinking.
iwillfearnoevil said...
quote:
no one posted that a guy not asking when BOTH were giving clear signals and moving towards that point, etc ruined anything ... but i do agree that one should know the opposite person really well before attempting such a maneuver ...
Forgive me for my vagueness or presumed compativeness. Where my train of thinking went when I read "it seems just kissing is the better way to go as asking will ruin the mood?" was that no, that's not necessarily true and NOT asking could ruin a moment that neither of you got the joy of knowing didn't get to exist.
Sidenote: LOL, it's unfortunate being a new old person because if you already knew me I'd probably make a little sense but if you don't know me at all I'm probably very confusing right now.
Anyways, for some girl that little scenario played out with the corney question and all might very well constitute her perfect first kiss. Random reader guy here skipping it because a stranger here thought it corney would be terrible mistake and maybe ruin is a strong word but they'll miss a touching moment when they didn't have too.
My thought was that if you get to know your person before that first kiss, you have the opportunity to make it really special and not necessarily avoid something special deciding to be safe rather than sorry. In that situation, you can be less safe if you have knowledge on your side. And she can have a sweet story to tell her daughters later in life.
That's what I meant...I think the word ruin was too strong. Hopefully, it would be special no matter what. But no need to skip an added specialness because other people think something is corney. I hope that cleared me up...or made me MUCH MORE CONFUSING.
quote:
We are Borg. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.
_____________________________
Lynn
Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.
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RE: Requesting a date: Can I ask an honest question? - 11/15/2008 7:02:43 PM
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Raptorman
Posts: 112
Joined: 9/21/2005
From: Colorado
Status: offline
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*Sigh*
I'm likely beating a dead horse now by resurrecting this thread, but there are one or two more questions I still had about the rejection story you guys have already heard, if nobody minds. I do hope it's not getting too annoying... 
For some incomprehensible reason, this little question has been burrowing itself into my brain lately, and refuses to go away: "Should I attempt to ask her out again in the near future?" Not quite sure where it's coming from, just like the fact that I keep thinking about one rejection for a date from over a year ago.
I already mentioned that this girl had brought up marriage and her education when all I asked for was a date. It may or may not have been an excuse she gave when she realized I was asking her out, in a romantic sense. Wish I knew exactly why, but I am still attracted to her, and part of me does want to try again. The other half just wants to move on and forget her. Does anybody think it's best to move on, or might there still be an opportunity for a relationship?
Thanks for your time, everyone.
_____________________________
"Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese." - G.K. Chesterton
"If we valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world." - J.R.R. Tolkien
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RE: Requesting a date: Can I ask an honest question? - 11/15/2008 8:09:15 PM
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Prairiehiker
Posts: 3264
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quote:
Does anybody think it's best to move on, or might there still be an opportunity for a relationship?
If you ask her again, there's only two possibilities. She'll either agree to go out with you, or she'll reject you again.
Since you're not omnicient, you don't know for sure what she'll do. But I bet you have some idea. So, what do you think your chances?
Can you handle another rejection? If so, then do it. That's the only way you'll find out if she'll reject you or not. Will this not prolong the time it takes to get over her though?
If you can't handle another rejection from her, then it's best to move on.
If I were in your position, I won't dare try again. It seems like she already gave you the kiss of death.
_____________________________
Wishing for a Steelers/Eagles superbowl.
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RE: Requesting a date: Can I ask an honest question? - 11/15/2008 11:40:34 PM
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John_O
Posts: 8015
Joined: 9/5/2006
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Raptorman
For some incomprehensible reason, this little question has been burrowing itself into my brain lately, and refuses to go away: "Should I attempt to ask her out again in the near future?"
Here's the deal. In some cases, persistence pays off. There's a couple of rules you have to follow though.
1. Do not let yourself get bummed if she rejects you. Because she most probably will. If her rejection will really ruin your day, don't ask. This is a very very low probability endeavor.
2. Be creative and quick. Make her think about it a little bit. And like closing any sale, don't be afraid to walk away if she takes too long to answer. (works especially well for "event" type dates, concerts and the like.)
3. Dont be too frequent. Show interest but not so much that it looks like stalking.
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Requesting a date: Can I ask an honest question? - 11/16/2008 5:10:24 AM
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ebony101
Posts: 1077
Joined: 4/1/2007
From: the big blue marble
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quote:
ORIGINAL: John-O
Do you really want to date a girl who wants nothing whatsoever to do with you? Let's say she lets you take her out. The date goes pretty well from your point of view. But inside she is screaming "please take me home and get out of my life I didn't want to go out with you in the first place"
Now you face the same rejection, only worse because you think maybe things are going well, and she has to repent for (and deal with) lying to you in the first place.
How are you going to feel when you ask for the second date and she says "no". Now you've spent your money for nothing. And the sad part is that she knew going in that there would be no second date. Pity dates are almost never successful.
If she doesn't like you enough to date you honestly from the start than you are far better off not wasting your time on her. If God brings her around later fine, but don't hold your breath. Find someone who does like you.
My sentiments exactly.
_____________________________
'We're writing a gospel, a chapter each day,
By the things that we do & the words that we say.'
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RE: Requesting a date: Can I ask an honest question? - 11/17/2008 10:45:24 AM
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iwillfearnoevil
Posts: 4461
Joined: 11/6/2007
From: upstate NY
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Raptorman
"Should I attempt to ask her out again in the near future?"
you just posted this a month ago: I suppose I should clear something up. If I know a girl is not even the least bit interested in dating me, even once, chances are that I will not try asking her out.
has her behavior toward you changed to give you any indication of interest? that's not to say you shouldn't ask, i was just trying to refresh myself with your situation details and saw your earlier post. if you ask her out and she says no, i don't think you should try to press her for details/reasons why and consider saving the analysis for this thread.
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Photoblogging My Life
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RE: Requesting a date: Can I ask an honest question? - 11/18/2008 12:03:53 AM
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Raptorman
Posts: 112
Joined: 9/21/2005
From: Colorado
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No, actually it's good you brought that up. Thanks for putting up with this discussion for so long! 
The girl's interest or lack thereof is something of which I am entirely unaware. We go to the same school, but we only meet each other a couple of times a week in between classes, and even that is barely a long enough encounter to say hello - usually she is so busy or distracted or just walking to class that I have to be the first one to say hi, when I get up the courage to say anything. I would love to get into a deeper conversation with this girl (and get more knowledge of the situation that way), but even when I manage to see her for a longer time than walking down the hallway, she's locked into conversation with some of her other friends, and of course I would rather not be rude and impose on her. Basically, she seems to have nearly forgotten that I exist. At this point I'm afraid to even look her in the eye. Fear, shame and grief push my gaze away.
Frankly, it seems like an impossible choice. I can ignore my feelings for her and bottle them up, and forget that she's always in my mind, but of course that would not be healthy.
I could try getting to be her friend again, but she may think I'm "up to something" (which would be partially true).
I could just ask her out again, but it might scare her or catch her way off-guard, and if she "runs" from anything to do with me, that would just bring more pain.
Or I could tell her how the rejection really affected me a while back, and tell her that I think it was unfair to not even give me one chance, but I'm scared to death that she would see me as a grudge-holder and spit in my face or something. I wouldn't blame her for having that impression.
The last thing I want to do is alienate or anger or frighten this girl, or seem like I'm holding a grudge/being a poor sport. Or in the extremely unlikely event that she says "Yes" to one date, I don't want it to be because she feels guilty for turning me down before. I want it to be honest, sincere.
But I just don't know what to do. Even prayers about this seem to go unanswered. Normally I would just suck it up and make a decision. But with this girl, any courage I had was already invested into asking her out, and that of course blew up in my face. Now it seems impossible to be brave, to do anything except give in to the fear. I know God is there and He did not give us a spirit of fear, but this is something which needs a lot more prayer, and advice. That's why I have come to you guys. Please, everyone, forgive me for dragging you along with this for so long. I'm at my wit's end. 
_____________________________
"Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese." - G.K. Chesterton
"If we valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world." - J.R.R. Tolkien
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RE: Requesting a date: Can I ask an honest question? - 11/18/2008 12:26:48 AM
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John_O
Posts: 8015
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Raptorman
At this point I'm afraid to even look her in the eye. Fear, shame and grief push my gaze away.
Since you've done nothing to deserve fear shame or grief, banish those feelings as attacks from the enemy, Hold your head high and be as pleasant, while still being strong, as you can be. Tell her "hi" when the opportunity arises and let he chips fall where they may
quote:
Frankly, it seems like an impossible choice. I can ignore my feelings for her and bottle them up, and forget that she's always in my mind, but of course that would not be healthy.
Or you can admit to yourself that if you are ever going to date her then God will have to arrange it. Since He is in charge of it you can turn your mind to more important matters. I know of what I speak here.
quote:
I could try getting to be her friend again, but she may think I'm "up to something" (which would be partially true).
Once a friend, never a boyfriend.
quote:
I could just ask her out again, but it might scare her or catch her way off-guard, and if she "runs" from anything to do with me, that would just bring more pain.
If you can't handle the rejection, don't ask the question.
quote:
Or I could tell her how the rejection really affected me a while back, and tell her that I think it was unfair to not even give me one chance, but I'm scared to death that she would see me as a grudge-holder and spit in my face or something. I wouldn't blame her for having that impression.
Waah waaah waaah waaah. You're a man. Don't act like a baby. If you tell her how much she "hurt" you, you will end up looking like a crybaby who is not strong enough for a woman to date. Women are looking for husbands, not for children.
I answered the entire post primarily for this point. It's ok to be sensitive, but always be a man about it.
quote:
But I just don't know what to do. Even prayers about this seem to go unanswered. Normally I would just suck it up and make a decision. But with this girl, any courage I had was already invested into asking her out, and that of course blew up in my face. Now it seems impossible to be brave, to do anything except give in to the fear. I know God is there and He did not give us a spirit of fear, but this is something which needs a lot more prayer, and advice. That's why I have come to you guys. Please, everyone, forgive me for dragging you along with this for so long. I'm at my wit's end.
Treat her exactly as you would treat someone who you are not interested in. God will take care of the rest. He'll either bring her around, or bring you around, or bring someone else around.
No matter how phenomenal someone may seem, if they are not interested then you are just wasting your time. There will be someone else equally or more phenomenal. Find the new one.
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Requesting a date: Can I ask an honest question? - 11/18/2008 12:45:40 AM
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John_O
Posts: 8015
Joined: 9/5/2006
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Raptorman
quote:
Waah waaah waaah waaah. You're a man. Don't act like a baby. If you tell her how much she "hurt" you, you will end up looking like a crybaby who is not strong enough for a woman to date. Women are looking for husbands, not for children.
I answered the entire post primarily for this point. It's ok to be sensitive, but always be a man about it.
Uh, yeah. I never said that was a good idea. Just listing all the options I could think of, good or bad. Just please don't compare this to a screaming baby. This struggle is already frustrating enough. 
Let me clarify then. If you tell a woman how much she hurt you, unless you are already in a deep relationship with that woman, she will think you are a whiner.
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Requesting a date: Can I ask an honest question? - 11/18/2008 12:57:22 AM
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Raptorman
Posts: 112
Joined: 9/21/2005
From: Colorado
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Thanks. Sorry about the misunderstanding.
_____________________________
"Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese." - G.K. Chesterton
"If we valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world." - J.R.R. Tolkien
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RE: Requesting a date: Can I ask an honest question? - 11/18/2008 3:59:58 PM
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WaitingforBoaz
Posts: 4235
Joined: 2/11/2008
Status: online
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ORIGINAL: John_O
ORIGINAL: Raptorman
quote:
I could try getting to be her friend again, but she may think I'm "up to something" (which would be partially true).
quote:
Once a friend, never a boyfriend.
John- We have had this conversation before, but Raptor was not there, so for his sake, I will just say that we had a thread on this in the past.
Can guys and gals be friends and it turn into a more intimate relationship? If I remember correctly, it was split about 50-50.
Every man I ever dated I was friends with first.
However, I do agree with John_O, that If you ask a girl out, and she says "let's just be friends," she is probably using it as an easy let down and is most likely not interested in any kind of relationship.
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RE: Requesting a date: Can I ask an honest question? - 11/18/2008 4:04:31 PM
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jesuschick247
Posts: 2870
Status: offline
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quote:
Once a friend, never a boyfriend.
Is that 100% true...(I sure hope not...)
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"The memories erased...Baby, that's the BEAUTY of GRACE!"
"Always be a first-rate version of yourself, rather than a second-rate version of someone else." - Judy Garland
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RE: Requesting a date: Can I ask an honest question? - 11/18/2008 10:47:23 PM
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John_O
Posts: 8015
Joined: 9/5/2006
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quote:
ORIGINAL: WaitingforBoaz
ORIGINAL: John_O
ORIGINAL: Raptorman
quote:
I could try getting to be her friend again, but she may think I'm "up to something" (which would be partially true).
quote:
Once a friend, never a boyfriend.
John- We have had this conversation before, but Raptor was not there, so for his sake, I will just say that we had a thread on this in the past.
Can guys and gals be friends and it turn into a more intimate relationship? If I remember correctly, it was split about 50-50.
Every man I ever dated I was friends with first.
However, I do agree with John_O, that If you ask a girl out, and she says "let's just be friends," she is probably using it as an easy let down and is most likely not interested in any kind of relationship.
That's one of the things I like about you WFB, We disagree so agreeably!
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Requesting a date: Can I ask an honest question? - 11/18/2008 10:50:08 PM
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John_O
Posts: 8015
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: jesuschick247
quote:
Once a friend, never a boyfriend.
Is that 100% true...(I sure hope not...)
You're still in school. It's an entirely different dynamic at your age. Friends/boyfriends/enemys/etc all tend to rotate among the same groups. So at you're age it's not a hard and fast rule yet.
Once out of school I've found it to be true for me and for almost every Guy I know. Once you become a woman's good friend (And I don't mean acquaintence) she will not date you.
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Requesting a date: Can I ask an honest question? - 11/19/2008 1:46:56 AM
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jesuschick247
Posts: 2870
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: John_O
quote:
ORIGINAL: jesuschick247
quote:
Once a friend, never a boyfriend.
Is that 100% true...(I sure hope not...)
You're still in school. It's an entirely different dynamic at your age. Friends/boyfriends/enemies/etc all tend to rotate among the same groups. So at you're age it's not a hard and fast rule yet.
Once out of school I've found it to be true for me and for almost every Guy I know. Once you become a woman's good friend (And I don't mean acquaintance) she will not date you.
College...I am in college! LOL! School makes me think of high school...*shudders* Too many bad memories there!
Yeah, you do have a good point though, we all rotate around hating each other one day, liking each other the next...crazy! Hoping it might stop when we all turn twenty in a few months, why do I feel like it won't though...I wonder...LOL!
_____________________________
"The memories erased...Baby, that's the BEAUTY of GRACE!"
"Always be a first-rate version of yourself, rather than a second-rate version of someone else." - Judy Garland
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