|
Users viewing this topic:
none
|
|
Login  | |
|
RE: My Husband - 11/2/2008 8:11:15 PM
|
|
|
BeeLuvsAva
Posts: 1237
Joined: 10/23/2008
Status: offline
|
Well I just talked to my husband about a hour or so ago, and he was talking about Marriage Counseling, which to be honest shocked and surprised me, I am happy that he wants to try, but I don't know what changed so much.
Your continued prayers are grateful
Thank you.
B
_____________________________
We enjoy warmth because we have been cold.
We appreciate light because we have been in darkness.
By the same token, we can experience joy because we have known sadness.
-David Weatherford
|
|
|
|
|
RE: My Husband - 11/2/2008 8:23:46 PM
|
|
|
manda59
Posts: 6162
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
Status: offline
|
B
Just take it slowly. I understand that this has encouraged you, but tread carefullly. By all means be positive about it, but be aware too that he might just be telling you what he thinks you want to hear. He could have good intentions, or he may have an ulterior motive. Please just be careful, and keep things on your own terms. Perhaps you could ask the pastor of your new church if he could recommend a qualified Christian marriage counsellor.
_____________________________
"Manda is right"
mvic, January 2009
|
|
|
|
|
RE: My Husband - 11/2/2008 8:38:58 PM
|
|
|
BeeLuvsAva
Posts: 1237
Joined: 10/23/2008
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: manda59
B
Just take it slowly. I understand that this has encouraged you, but tread carefullly. By all means be positive about it, but be aware too that he might just be telling you what he thinks you want to hear. He could have good intentions, or he may have an ulterior motive. Please just be careful, and keep things on your own terms. Perhaps you could ask the pastor of your new church if he could recommend a qualified Christian marriage counsellor.
Yes I will defiantly keep that in mind, thank you!
I will ask the pastor, but do you think it is to soon? I have only been to the Church once, I wanted to go today but really am not feeling up to it. I don't know if he would get offended if I asked him about it since I have only been there once.
Thank you.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: My Husband - 11/2/2008 9:12:22 PM
|
|
|
Grace-N-Mercy
Posts: 6044
Joined: 5/2/2005
Status: offline
|
I agree to be very careful. I'm working with two young ladies right now who are in similar situations and in one situation, I'm encouraging her to get custody so that she has legal paperwork that gives her custody and legal standing. Marriage counseling is a good idea, but give it time before you let him back in your home. But it would be a good idea to get counseling for yourself, too, because this is a lot for one person to handle. You just had a baby and your hormones are not yet stable; a counselor can give you unbiased counsel.
_____________________________
<-- When did Hollywood go from classy to 'cheap & easy'?
|
|
|
|
|
RE: My Husband - 11/2/2008 9:15:45 PM
|
|
|
BeeLuvsAva
Posts: 1237
Joined: 10/23/2008
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: Grace-N-Mercy
I agree to be very careful. I'm working with two young ladies right now who are in similar situations and in one situation, I'm encouraging her to get custody so that she has legal paperwork that gives her custody and legal standing. Marriage counseling is a good idea, but give it time before you let him back in your home. But it would be a good idea to get counseling for yourself, too, because this is a lot for one person to handle. You just had a baby and your hormones are not yet stable; a counselor can give you unbiased counsel.
Okay I will defiantly look into that, Thank you.
|
|
|
|
|
RE: My Husband - 11/3/2008 11:54:26 AM
|
|
|
crankius
Posts: 4661
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline
|
I agree with the good advice you are getting. Please ask your pastor about a counselor. He won't be offended. Often, people who have never been to church meet with pastors to seek counsel. It is a normal thing.
quote:
ORIGINAL: Grace-N-Mercy
but give it time before you let him back in your home.
And I agree very much that you should take things slowly, see what he is up to, try to see what his intentions are, get quality counseling, and give it time before you let him in your home. The issues that were there before he left are still there, and must be dealt with.
And, I agree that getting counsel for yourself is a good thing! Scripture says there is wisdom in seeking counsel. Sometimes, a church has a female counselor either on staff or in the congregation who volunteers their time to counsel ladies. When I had my first baby, I spoke with a counselor about how to deal with my in-laws. It was the best! I was new at being a mom, I didn't have my own mom to help me, and I just wanted objective counsel. Anyway, I figure God gave us wise people for our benefit, and we should use them. 
_____________________________
Do not be overly righteous, Nor be overly wise: Why should you destroy yourself?
Ecclesiastes 7:16
SYSTEMATIC THEOLOGY
|
|
|
|
|
RE: My Husband - 11/3/2008 2:11:19 PM
|
|
|
laura...
Posts: 2921
Joined: 3/1/2005
From: NE Ohio
Status: offline
|
First, I recommend that you get soul legal custody of your daughter and a support order in place before you let your husband see her and before you agree to any marriage counseling. Scripture says to be as gentle as doves but as wise as serpents. Here are some reasons:
* As it stands, if your husband takes your daughter you would have nothing to order her return to you. In case of custody, possession is 9/10th of the law. The one with possession of the child has a better chance of gaining full custody.
* Step one in determining if you husband is serious about seeking reconcilliation is his willingness to financially support his child.
_____________________________
This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’ Jer 6:16
|
|
|
|
|
RE: My Husband - 11/3/2008 9:18:11 PM
|
|
|
BeeLuvsAva
Posts: 1237
Joined: 10/23/2008
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: laura...
First, I recommend that you get soul legal custody of your daughter and a support order in place before you let your husband see her and before you agree to any marriage counseling. Scripture says to be as gentle as doves but as wise as serpents. Here are some reasons:
* As it stands, if your husband takes your daughter you would have nothing to order her return to you. In case of custody, possession is 9/10th of the law. The one with possession of the child has a better chance of gaining full custody.
* Step one in determining if you husband is serious about seeking reconcilliation is his willingness to financially support his child.
OKay, but if I get soul legal custody, and we work things out, what is going to happen? I will always have soul custody?
Thank you for the advise!
|
|
|
|
|
RE: My Husband - 11/4/2008 9:18:39 AM
|
|
|
laura...
Posts: 2921
Joined: 3/1/2005
From: NE Ohio
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: BeeLuvsAva
quote:
ORIGINAL: laura...
First, I recommend that you get soul legal custody of your daughter and a support order in place before you let your husband see her and before you agree to any marriage counseling. Scripture says to be as gentle as doves but as wise as serpents. Here are some reasons:
* As it stands, if your husband takes your daughter you would have nothing to order her return to you. In case of custody, possession is 9/10th of the law. The one with possession of the child has a better chance of gaining full custody.
* Step one in determining if you husband is serious about seeking reconcilliation is his willingness to financially support his child.
OKay, but if I get soul legal custody, and we work things out, what is going to happen? I will always have soul custody?
Thank you for the advise!
No. The legal custody will last only as long as the two of you are separated and/or divorced. If the two of you reconcile and he moves back into the house any orders pertaining to the separation will become null and void.
_____________________________
This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’ Jer 6:16
|
|
|
|
|
RE: My Husband - 11/4/2008 9:00:27 PM
|
|
|
crankius
Posts: 4661
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline
|
I hope you are able to meet with the attorney soon. It is very wise to legally protect yourself and your baby.
_____________________________
Do not be overly righteous, Nor be overly wise: Why should you destroy yourself?
Ecclesiastes 7:16
SYSTEMATIC THEOLOGY
|
|
|
|
|
RE: My Husband - 11/7/2008 1:51:17 PM
|
|
|
BeeLuvsAva
Posts: 1237
Joined: 10/23/2008
Status: offline
|
Well yesterday I saw my husband for the first time in awhile, and he met his daughter for the first time ever, he flew down and stayed in a hotel ( I would not let him stay in the house) But I saw him and I just wanted to cry, and then when he saw Ava for the first time I started to cry  why oh why are the things that we love in life so difficult, I just want things to go back to normal, forget about everything, just have my family  I know it's just not possible at the moment, but I do so hope that it is one day.
Well it went very well, I told him I was talking to a attorney on monday, and that I was going to try and get full custody of Ava untill we work things out, shockingly I thought he would be very upset, but he said it was fine, he said I did not have to do it, because he seriously want's to try and work things out between me and him. *sigh* I was so close to telling him to just move in and we will work things out as a family.
I pray thing's will work out very soon, It just is getting to be so much with everything that is going on.
Thank you for the contuined prayers I feel that God is answering them in a pace that he feels is fitting.
_____________________________
We enjoy warmth because we have been cold.
We appreciate light because we have been in darkness.
By the same token, we can experience joy because we have known sadness.
-David Weatherford
|
|
|
|
|
RE: My Husband - 11/7/2008 3:28:22 PM
|
|
|
EmilyAnn
Posts: 1021
Joined: 12/18/2005
From: Thomasville, NC
Status: offline
|
Bee- since reading your first post here I have been praying for you and your sweet baby girl. What part of NC are you in? (closer to the beach, mountains, or in the middle?)
_____________________________
Baby David is here!!
6-13-08
9 lbs. 8 oz.
20 3/4 in long
|
|
|
|
|
RE: My Husband - 11/7/2008 9:31:50 PM
|
|
|
manda59
Posts: 6162
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: BeeLuvsAva
because he seriously want's to try and work things out between me and him. *sigh* I was so close to telling him to just move in and we will work things out as a family.
Has he gone for any counselling on his own to help him work out why he walked out on you, ie what underlying issues he had(has)?
_____________________________
"Manda is right"
mvic, January 2009
|
|
|
|
|
RE: My Husband - 11/7/2008 10:03:16 PM
|
|
|
BeeLuvsAva
Posts: 1237
Joined: 10/23/2008
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: manda59
quote:
ORIGINAL: BeeLuvsAva
because he seriously want's to try and work things out between me and him. *sigh* I was so close to telling him to just move in and we will work things out as a family.
Has he gone for any counselling on his own to help him work out why he walked out on you, ie what underlying issues he had(has)?
He said he is trying to find the right place to get into counselling, but he has not found a place he is comfortable with, I don't know if that's a excuse or the truth (frankly I don't know how much I can trust him). He has told me that the reason he walked out was because he said he was not really ready for a family even we had discussed and prayed about it for months before we decided to have Ava.
I want to trust him, but I don't want to get sucked up into some big lie, or for him just to leave me again because he feels he can not handle a family at the moment. It's like the lesser of two evils, if he comes back then he might leave again, if he does not the I am alone.
B
_____________________________
We enjoy warmth because we have been cold.
We appreciate light because we have been in darkness.
By the same token, we can experience joy because we have known sadness.
-David Weatherford
|
|
|
|
|
RE: My Husband - 11/7/2008 10:34:45 PM
|
|
|
manda59
Posts: 6162
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: BeeLuvsAva
He said he is trying to find the right place to get into counselling, but he has not found a place he is comfortable with, I don't know if that's a excuse or the truth (frankly I don't know how much I can trust him).
Well, I don't know about over there (I'm in the UK), but most counsellors here will give you a free or reduced-price first session so that you can see whether you are comfortable there. So, if the same applies there, he would at least have to have tried a few places, and had just one session, in order to know whether or not he was comfortable with them, if you see what I mean. So you could ask him how many places he has been to, and how many introductory sessions. That might show you whether or not he is telling the truth. It begs the question anyway of how hard he is trying to find a counsellor. Because really, if he is being truthful about wanting to work things out, he should be doing everything he can and as quickly as he can.
quote:
He has told me that the reason he walked out was because he said he was not really ready for a family even we had discussed and prayed about it for months before we decided to have Ava.
*Very* immature!! I mean really, how many of us are truly ready - but we cope. And learn in the process. Honestly, if he was "not ready" then, what makes him think he is ready now? Especially without having had any counselling.
Where did he go when he left you? Do you know?
_____________________________
"Manda is right"
mvic, January 2009
|
|
|
|
|
RE: My Husband - 11/7/2008 10:44:58 PM
|
|
|
BeeLuvsAva
Posts: 1237
Joined: 10/23/2008
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: manda59
quote:
ORIGINAL: BeeLuvsAva
He said he is trying to find the right place to get into counselling, but he has not found a place he is comfortable with, I don't know if that's a excuse or the truth (frankly I don't know how much I can trust him).
Well, I don't know about over there (I'm in the UK), but most counsellors here will give you a free or reduced-price first session so that you can see whether you are comfortable there. So, if the same applies there, he would at least have to have tried a few places, and had just one session, in order to know whether or not he was comfortable with them, if you see what I mean. So you could ask him how many places he has been to, and how many introductory sessions. That might show you whether or not he is telling the truth. It begs the question anyway of how hard he is trying to find a counsellor. Because really, if he is being truthful about wanting to work things out, he should be doing everything he can and as quickly as he can.
quote:
He has told me that the reason he walked out was because he said he was not really ready for a family even we had discussed and prayed about it for months before we decided to have Ava.
*Very* immature!! I mean really, how many of us are truly ready - but we cope. And learn in the process. Honestly, if he was "not ready" then, what makes him think he is ready now? Especially without having had any counselling.
Where did he go when he left you? Do you know?
Yes it is very immature, I still don't feel like I am ready to be a mom, but I sure am trying my hardest to be a good mom, even though I might be failing, I keep trying.
He moved to Seattle WA, well about a hour outside of Seattle, he has friends and family that live there.
I didn't ask him about the counseling, like where he has tried or how many place, he made it seem like he just talked to a few people there, never really had any sessions, and he didn't like the people that much.
_____________________________
We enjoy warmth because we have been cold.
We appreciate light because we have been in darkness.
By the same token, we can experience joy because we have known sadness.
-David Weatherford
|
|
|
|
|
RE: My Husband - 11/7/2008 10:49:00 PM
|
|
|
PrincessDonna
Posts: 10187
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Cow country, Upstate NY
Status: online
|
This may not be popular, but when my husband left and came back, we did not have counseling. I made some demands he needed to meet before he could come back, he agreed to those and we got back together. Obviously, if he is willing and you can afford to do counseling, by all means...DO THAT. But I personally don't think counseling is the be all end all in restoring marriages.
If your husband wants to come home, pray, pray, pray, and pray some more. It may come down to taking a step of faith and saying...okay, I don't know for sure if you will stay, but let's both put our best feet forward in this and at least TRY. You may find that you both trusting God and trying is enough. I do know from later conversations with my husband that for him to humble himself and admit to me and my family he had been wrong to leave us, that was the absolute hardest and humiliating thing for him to do. That was enough for me to be willing to give it a try. Whether it should be for you, I don't know, but I know that here Brian and I are 6 years and 3 more kids later...and we love each other more than I ever thought possible.
_____________________________
He fulfills the desires of those who fear Him;
He hears their cry and saves them.
The Lord watches over all who love him,
but all the wicked He will destroy.
~Psalm 145:19-20~
|
|
|
|
|
RE: My Husband - 11/8/2008 12:17:57 AM
|
|
|
Roberta_
Posts: 7416
Joined: 9/28/2007
From: East Bay Area
Status: offline
|
Bee- what did he do about employment? I mean, was he able to transfer with his company to Seatle or did he quit and find a new job there?
_____________________________
|
|
|
|
|
RE: My Husband - 11/8/2008 8:12:05 AM
|
|
|
daughter_of_faith
Posts: 1288
Joined: 1/10/2008
From: Great Plains, Kansas
Status: offline
|
Be forewarned that getting sole custody isn't as easy as some might think it is.
You have some good advice/questions. Just take everything with a grain of salt & take it before God. He knows the plans for y'all....
God bless
|
|
|
|
|
RE: My Husband - 11/8/2008 6:35:06 PM
|
|
|
BeeLuvsAva
Posts: 1237
Joined: 10/23/2008
Status: offline
|
He works with a agency that does let him do a lot of work at home, and he travels at least twice a month for the company to there offices.
I do really appreciate all the advice, I am really praying about it all, and when I do talk to the attorney on Monday I will know my legal options, and if I do want to take them.
I do think I want him to have counseling though, I don't mind if it is me and him together doing it, and probably I would prefer it to be with a pastor, or a christian counselor so they do know our views and they are very understanding on what we want to work on.
_____________________________
We enjoy warmth because we have been cold.
We appreciate light because we have been in darkness.
By the same token, we can experience joy because we have known sadness.
-David Weatherford
|
|
|
|
|
RE: My Husband - 11/8/2008 6:43:18 PM
|
|
|
manda59
Posts: 6162
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: BeeLuvsAva
I do think I want him to have counseling though, I don't mind if it is me and him together doing it, and probably I would prefer it to be with a pastor, or a christian counselor so they do know our views and they are very understanding on what we want to work on.
Bee
I understand your POV, it may just be though that he has other issues of his own that need dealing with, things that are from his past and not to do with your marriage, and he may benefit from seeing a counsellor on his own.
Btw, just because someone is a pastor, doesn't mean to say that they are necessarily a trained and qualified counsellor. And just because someone calls themselves a counsellor, is even named as such within a church, doesn't mean they are trained and qualified. It is unfortunately possible to be unsoundly counselled by a Christian. If you have someone who is trained and qualified, you can ask them what counselling model they use - in this way you can know in advance what to expect. Someone trained and qualified will also be likely to be accountable to a supervisor, and will also know about healthy boundaries. Someone who is not trained and qualified may not.
_____________________________
"Manda is right"
mvic, January 2009
|
|
|
|
|
RE: My Husband - 11/8/2008 7:53:53 PM
|
|
|
myka
Posts: 814
Status: offline
|
Most counselors will be respectful of your views and will not push you to go against your own convictions whether or not they are Christian. There are some Licensed Professional Counselors who are also Christians (there are growing numbers of them in the States), and who can provide a better quality counseling and they have more accountability for their practices.
Sometimes, they don't specifically state that they are 'christian counselors' though. Do you have a church community that you are a part of? Sometimes, they have connections to the counseling community and could refer you to someone in the area. Also, Focus on the Family has a toll-free number to contact them and they might have someone that they could refer you to.
You also might want check with your health insurance to see what your benefits cover.
|
|
|
|
 New Messages |
 No New Messages |
 Hot Topic w/ New Messages |
 Hot Topic w/o New Messages |
 Locked w/ New Messages |
 Locked w/o New Messages |
|
 Post New Thread
Reply to Message
Post New Poll
Submit Vote
Delete My Own Post
Delete My Own Thread
Rate Posts |
|
|
Forum Tools
Printable Version
