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RE: My Husband - 11/8/2008 10:32:15 PM
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BeeLuvsAva
Posts: 1237
Joined: 10/23/2008
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Manda59- I understand when your saying a pastor is not necessarily a trained counsellor, but I know his views on marriage would be and are more biblical, so advice from him on where to go is more what I would be leaning for.
I have never been in counselling so I am not sure I would know what model of counselling is good or would be good.
Myka- If and when I do get into counselling I am hoping to find someone who is Christian, I just feel I would be more comfortable.
_____________________________
We enjoy warmth because we have been cold.
We appreciate light because we have been in darkness.
By the same token, we can experience joy because we have known sadness.
-David Weatherford
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RE: My Husband - 11/9/2008 12:31:50 AM
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crankius
Posts: 4661
Joined: 4/12/2005
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quote:
I would prefer it to be with a pastor, or a christian counselor so they do know our views and they are very understanding on what we want to work on.
I would be this way too.
I'm sorry for how painful it was to see him. How very difficult.
I pray that you have good friends and family supporting you through this. I also pray that your new church will continue to show you love.
_____________________________
Do not be overly righteous, Nor be overly wise: Why should you destroy yourself?
Ecclesiastes 7:16
SYSTEMATIC THEOLOGY
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RE: My Husband - 11/10/2008 3:01:32 PM
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laura...
Posts: 2921
Joined: 3/1/2005
From: NE Ohio
Status: offline
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If it were me, I would start by determining just how committed he is to seeking reconcilliation. One way would be to ask him to set up an appointment with a pastor or marriage counselor who could help determine what you both need to be working on to accomplish reconcilliation. If he is at all committed he'll make the appointment. He could make it some place local to either you or him and one of you could "attend" by phone.
_____________________________
This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’ Jer 6:16
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RE: My Husband - 11/10/2008 3:26:49 PM
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laura...
Posts: 2921
Joined: 3/1/2005
From: NE Ohio
Status: offline
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quote:
I really don't know if he was just blowing smoke or not
The proof will be in his actions. His initiating counseling and his moving back would be great first steps.
Has he given you any financial support for your child yet?
_____________________________
This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’ Jer 6:16
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RE: My Husband - 11/10/2008 3:32:50 PM
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BeeLuvsAva
Posts: 1237
Joined: 10/23/2008
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: laura...
quote:
I really don't know if he was just blowing smoke or not
The proof will be in his actions. His initiating counseling and his moving back would be great first steps.
Has he given you any financial support for your child yet?
He has offered it, but I refused anything, I am very independent, and always have been, I told him instead of money that he juts needs to try and get thing's worked out with us.
_____________________________
We enjoy warmth because we have been cold.
We appreciate light because we have been in darkness.
By the same token, we can experience joy because we have known sadness.
-David Weatherford
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RE: My Husband - 11/10/2008 3:38:53 PM
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laura...
Posts: 2921
Joined: 3/1/2005
From: NE Ohio
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: BeeLuvsAva
quote:
ORIGINAL: laura...
quote:
I really don't know if he was just blowing smoke or not
The proof will be in his actions. His initiating counseling and his moving back would be great first steps.
Has he given you any financial support for your child yet?
He has offered it, but I refused anything, I am very independent, and always have been, I told him instead of money that he juts needs to try and get thing's worked out with us.
It's very good that he offered. It's not so good that you refused. He NEEDS to support his wife and his child. It is as much, if not more, for his benefit as it would be to you. Men need to be needed and they need to be respected. Allowing him to support you and his child would show him both.
_____________________________
This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’ Jer 6:16
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RE: My Husband - 11/12/2008 10:35:57 PM
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BeeLuvsAva
Posts: 1237
Joined: 10/23/2008
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: laura...
quote:
ORIGINAL: BeeLuvsAva
quote:
ORIGINAL: laura...
quote:
I really don't know if he was just blowing smoke or not
The proof will be in his actions. His initiating counseling and his moving back would be great first steps.
Has he given you any financial support for your child yet?
He has offered it, but I refused anything, I am very independent, and always have been, I told him instead of money that he juts needs to try and get thing's worked out with us.
It's very good that he offered. It's not so good that you refused. He NEEDS to support his wife and his child. It is as much, if not more, for his benefit as it would be to you. Men need to be needed and they need to be respected. Allowing him to support you and his child would show him both.
yes but in many ways I want him to know that I can do it on my own, to me it is kind of like me telling him that he really needs to work hard if he really wants it back, well in my mind that's why I declined.
I wanted him to know that I don't need him financially, but I need him emotionally, and that the best thing he can do for me is to come back and help me raise our daughter, and to work on our marriage.
_____________________________
We enjoy warmth because we have been cold.
We appreciate light because we have been in darkness.
By the same token, we can experience joy because we have known sadness.
-David Weatherford
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RE: My Husband - 11/13/2008 9:53:05 AM
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laura...
Posts: 2921
Joined: 3/1/2005
From: NE Ohio
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: BeeLuvsAva
quote:
ORIGINAL: laura...
quote:
ORIGINAL: BeeLuvsAva
quote:
ORIGINAL: laura...
quote:
I really don't know if he was just blowing smoke or not
The proof will be in his actions. His initiating counseling and his moving back would be great first steps.
Has he given you any financial support for your child yet?
He has offered it, but I refused anything, I am very independent, and always have been, I told him instead of money that he juts needs to try and get thing's worked out with us.
It's very good that he offered. It's not so good that you refused. He NEEDS to support his wife and his child. It is as much, if not more, for his benefit as it would be to you. Men need to be needed and they need to be respected. Allowing him to support you and his child would show him both.
yes but in many ways I want him to know that I can do it on my own, to me it is kind of like me telling him that he really needs to work hard if he really wants it back, well in my mind that's why I declined.
I wanted him to know that I don't need him financially, but I need him emotionally, and that the best thing he can do for me is to come back and help me raise our daughter, and to work on our marriage.
I understand that. The problem is you are thinking like a woman not like a man.
_____________________________
This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’ Jer 6:16
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RE: My Husband - 11/14/2008 11:29:32 AM
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crankius
Posts: 4661
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline
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I agree with laura.
He NEEDS to support his family. He needs to be needed. Even if you feel like you don't need his support, your daughter certainly needs the support of her father.
By telling him no to the support, in a man's view, that's basically saying that you don't really have a need for him.
_____________________________
Do not be overly righteous, Nor be overly wise: Why should you destroy yourself?
Ecclesiastes 7:16
SYSTEMATIC THEOLOGY
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RE: My Husband - 11/15/2008 5:56:42 PM
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PrincessDonna
Posts: 10187
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Cow country, Upstate NY
Status: online
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((((((((((((((Bee)))))))))))))
_____________________________
He fulfills the desires of those who fear Him;
He hears their cry and saves them.
The Lord watches over all who love him,
but all the wicked He will destroy.
~Psalm 145:19-20~
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RE: My Husband - 11/15/2008 8:35:42 PM
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Roberta_
Posts: 7416
Joined: 9/28/2007
From: East Bay Area
Status: offline
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((((Bee))))
_____________________________
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RE: My Husband - 11/15/2008 8:38:01 PM
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manda59
Posts: 6162
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
Status: offline
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Bee
I am so sorry that you were upset by your conversation with him. Do you want to tell us what happened? (no problem if not)
_____________________________
"Manda is right"
mvic, January 2009
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RE: My Husband - 11/15/2008 9:05:45 PM
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daughter_of_faith
Posts: 1288
Joined: 1/10/2008
From: Great Plains, Kansas
Status: offline
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Uh oh....
Continued thoughts and prayers.
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RE: My Husband - 11/15/2008 9:41:43 PM
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Brandy
Posts: 1839
Joined: 4/7/2005
From: Los Angeles
Status: offline
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Bee I will echo the support/encouragement to get financial support from him. If you refuse an offer or don't seek it now, it may come back to harm you later if you needed it or something else happened custody/financial wise.
You could always take the money and put it into a high yield savings account and let it sit. When she's old enough for college she could have a nice fund!
_____________________________
~Brandy
<--- Isabel Grace eating on Thanksgiving. Her first food.
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RE: My Husband - 11/15/2008 9:43:04 PM
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BeeLuvsAva
Posts: 1237
Joined: 10/23/2008
Status: offline
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I"m not really wanting to go into to much details , but I believe that our conversation was answer in prayer from the Lord, not Necessarily the one I wanted, but still, I feel very strong that he does not care enough, I don't know if it's my fault, I don't understand if it was anything that I have said, or done, I pray it is not.
I was just talking to him about how Ava's been doing. I told him that I wanted both of us to be completely honest with eachother on what we wanted, and how we wanted things done, I told him that I wanted my family back, I wanted all three of us together, but I wanted it when he was ready, and then he told me that he couldn't gaurantee that he would not freak out again and leave for awhile, I told him that wouldn't fly with me, I needed him there 100% or not at all. He got very upset with me, he said makes me sound to controlling (possilby I shouldn't have said it  ) but it is how I feel. After that it went downhill, he said many hurtful things, and also went on to say how he was unfaithful and he was happy about it. What can I say to that? Ava deserves so much better! it just makes me cry knowing that I let her down, that I feel I have to give up on the three of us being a family, because she deserves a dad who is there for her 100 and 10 percent.
The conversation entailed quite a bit more, but I don't want to get into that, I just wish I could forget about him. The conversation just makes me think this is what God wants for us.
B
_____________________________
We enjoy warmth because we have been cold.
We appreciate light because we have been in darkness.
By the same token, we can experience joy because we have known sadness.
-David Weatherford
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RE: My Husband - 11/15/2008 9:44:42 PM
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BeeLuvsAva
Posts: 1237
Joined: 10/23/2008
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Brandy
Bee I will echo the support/encouragement to get financial support from him. If you refuse an offer or don't seek it now, it may come back to harm you later if you needed it or something else happened custody/financial wise.
You could always take the money and put it into a high yield savings account and let it sit. When she's old enough for college she could have a nice fund!
I am going to do it now, I don't need to prove anything to him anymore. Thanks for the advise!
and again thanks ladies for all the encouragement and support that you have given, I thank God for the care that you all have showed
_____________________________
We enjoy warmth because we have been cold.
We appreciate light because we have been in darkness.
By the same token, we can experience joy because we have known sadness.
-David Weatherford
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RE: My Husband - 11/15/2008 9:52:57 PM
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manda59
Posts: 6162
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: BeeLuvsAva
and then he told me that he couldn't gaurantee that he would not freak out again and leave for awhile, I told him that wouldn't fly with me, I needed him there 100% or not at all. He got very upset with me, he said makes me sound to controlling (possilby I shouldn't have said it ) but it is how I feel.
Of course it was totally ok to say it - it's an entirely reasonable expectation for a wife and mother to want her husband to be there 100% - that's why people marry, to be together.
quote:
After that it went downhill, he said many hurtful things, and also went on to say how he was unfaithful and he was happy about it. What can I say to that? Ava deserves so much better! it just makes me cry knowing that I let her down, that I feel I have to give up on the three of us being a family, because she deserves a dad who is there for her 100 and 10 percent.
I'm so sorry Bee. ((((((((Bee)))))))
_____________________________
"Manda is right"
mvic, January 2009
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RE: My Husband - 11/15/2008 10:01:01 PM
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BeeLuvsAva
Posts: 1237
Joined: 10/23/2008
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: manda59
quote:
ORIGINAL: BeeLuvsAva
and then he told me that he couldn't gaurantee that he would not freak out again and leave for awhile, I told him that wouldn't fly with me, I needed him there 100% or not at all. He got very upset with me, he said makes me sound to controlling (possilby I shouldn't have said it ) but it is how I feel.
Of course it was totally ok to say it - it's an entirely reasonable expectation for a wife and mother to want her husband to be there 100% - that's why people marry, to be together.
quote:
After that it went downhill, he said many hurtful things, and also went on to say how he was unfaithful and he was happy about it. What can I say to that? Ava deserves so much better! it just makes me cry knowing that I let her down, that I feel I have to give up on the three of us being a family, because she deserves a dad who is there for her 100 and 10 percent.
I'm so sorry Bee. ((((((((Bee)))))))
yes that is what I was thinking. My heart wants him around, but my head knows better.
There is no need to be sorry, I can't be sorry for God's plans for Ava and me, he has given me just a bit of clarity so that I understand his doing this, and I thank him for that! It makes me unhappy, but can I really go against what our all powerfull God wants for us? no I don't think so, I can just try and keep my chin up and take care of my daughter, and pray that God helps both me through this. Thank again.
< Message edited by BeeLuvsAva -- 11/15/2008 10:41:24 PM >
_____________________________
We enjoy warmth because we have been cold.
We appreciate light because we have been in darkness.
By the same token, we can experience joy because we have known sadness.
-David Weatherford
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RE: My Husband - 11/16/2008 10:49:22 PM
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daughter_of_faith
Posts: 1288
Joined: 1/10/2008
From: Great Plains, Kansas
Status: offline
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You're completely right in saying that he either needs to be there 100%. If he can't do that, it's really better for Ava.
Continued prayers.
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RE: My Husband - 11/16/2008 10:56:38 PM
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PrincessDonna
Posts: 10187
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Cow country, Upstate NY
Status: online
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You don't have to give up just yet.
What you do need to do is to make a life for you and your little girl. Make plans for you both to be healthy and whole without him. It's okay to pray for him to come back while you still move forward. Ask God how He wants you to do this. He will show you! Maybe your husband comes back fully repentant, maybe he doesn't. But *you* and your baby can have a God-filled and God-blessed life either way. You are not out of hope and this pain is not for nothing. God loves you and He will never leave you. Cling to Him.
(((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))) and prayers for you and Ava.
_____________________________
He fulfills the desires of those who fear Him;
He hears their cry and saves them.
The Lord watches over all who love him,
but all the wicked He will destroy.
~Psalm 145:19-20~
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RE: My Husband - 11/17/2008 8:09:53 PM
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MrsTracy72
Posts: 2058
Joined: 2/28/2007
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: BeeLuvsAva
Myka- If and when I do get into counselling I am hoping to find someone who is Christian, I just feel I would be more comfortable.
There are Christian Counseling clinics all over the place. If you have a Christian radio station, I am sure they have resources and commercials that advertise Christian Counseling. You don't have to hope for a Christian Counselor, you just need to look for one.
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