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Emotional purity - affair of the heart? - 11/3/2008 10:23:42 PM
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stimulus
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Has anyone read the book? Regardless, I'm curious what you think about it's thesis. While I'm sure most of us would agree that "emotional affairs" by married people are wrong, the author believes that emotionally intimate friendships by opposite sex friends are wrong, too. What do you think of that?
The author defines emotionally intimate relationships as close, private relationships that stir up strong feelings. It's more than being casual friends with someone of the opposite sex. The friends may spend a reasonable amount of time together, pursuring a common interest. However, they share far more about their lives with each other than they do with other opposite-sex friends. They are close - emotionally intimate - but just friends.
What do you think? It that almost as bad as having an "emotional affair" after marriage - because you're giving away a part of yourself that should be reserved for marriage?
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RE: Emotional purity - affair of the heart? - 11/4/2008 10:22:47 AM
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deermousie
Posts: 1948
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quote:
ORIGINAL: stimulus
Has anyone read the book? Regardless, I'm curious what you think about it's thesis. While I'm sure most of us would agree that "emotional affairs" by married people are wrong, the author believes that emotionally intimate friendships by opposite sex friends are wrong, too. What do you think of that?
Close relationships between a man and an unrelated woman always seem to have sexual overtones. I think we're just made that way, or it's part of the fall. Dunno. I've known people who had opposite-sex friends outside of their marriages, who've angrily insisted it was an above-board situation. Everyone of those relationships ended in adultery. That's a small sample size over all, but I've been an adult over 40 years and have seen a fair bit.
My husband read a book called "Hedges" and it was about things guys could do to protect their marriages, like don't be alone with a woman but always have another person there. It's hard to be emotionally intimate when there's a third party present.
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RE: Emotional purity - affair of the heart? - 11/4/2008 3:14:01 PM
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kd4hvz
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quote:
ORIGINAL:
The author defines emotionally intimate relationships as close, private relationships that stir up strong feelings. It's more than being casual friends with someone of the opposite sex. The friends may spend a reasonable amount of time together, pursuring a common interest. However, they share far more about their lives with each other than they do with other opposite-sex friends. They are close - emotionally intimate - but just friends.
That describes many of my relationships with people. One of those females (I am a male) would be my daughter. Surly no one wold suggest that because I have a private and close relationship with her that has strong feelings that I am having an affair with her. The qualifications that are being used to define an affair are flawed.
You cannot (in my opinion) say that because you are close to someone that you are in sin. God commands us to love as Brothers and Sisters, and to truly do that brings with it close relationships. And there will always be someone who you "share far more about your life with than you do with other opposite-sex friends". It's a relative comparison.
The whole idea seems to starts with the presumption that male/female relationships are inappropriate and then seems to seek to justify why. I just don't find anything in scripture to suggest that male/female relationships (even close ones) are wrong. To the contrary, I read about loving one another as Brothers and Sisters, and loving each other as we would ourselves, and I find no exceptions made just because someone is of the opposite sex.
The whole idea is just flawed from the start in my opinion. There seems to be the idea that our spouse should be everything. Not so. Just because I go fishing with a buddy and he fulfills a need my wife does not does not mean it is an affair. And that can be applied to many things including male-female relationships.
(Edited for spelling)
< Message edited by kd4hvz -- 11/4/2008 5:07:12 PM >
_____________________________
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[http://www.kd4hvz.com/]
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RE: Emotional purity - affair of the heart? - 11/4/2008 3:29:24 PM
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DaveW
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Indeed. Jesus had many close female friends. The fact that He chose Mary of Magdala to be the first to see Him after rising speaks volumes.
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RE: Emotional purity - affair of the heart? - 11/4/2008 11:05:27 PM
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deermousie
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quote:
ORIGINAL: kd4hvz
That describes many of my relationships with people. One of those females (I am a male) would be my daughter. Surly no one wold suggest that because I have a private and close relationship with her that has strong feelings that I am having an affair with her. The qualifications that are being used to define an affair are flawed.
It's a tight father/daughter relationship, and godly. My husband and daughter are very close, too, and I rejoice. If you are worried about my definition, I said a man and an unrelated woman.
quote:
You cannot (in my opinion) say that because you are close to someone that you are in sin.
Nor does God say that. I didn't either; are you making statements in general or responding to me? I'm assuming the latter since I'm the only other person who wrote anything in response. Forgive me please if I'm misreading you, Dave.
quote:
God commands us to love as Brothers and Sisters, and to truly do that brings with it close relationships. And there will always be someone who you "share far more about your life with than you do with other opposite-sex friends". It's a relative comparison.
The whole idea seems to starts with the presumption that male/female relationships are inappropriate and then seems to seek to justify why .
I made my comments based on experience of watching people fall for each other inappropriately, and in response to God's command that we avoid sexual immorality (fornication and adultery) and it's better to see how far away from the cliff we can stay, not how close. Perhaps I'm too cautious or getting things backwards when I think about how every adulterous affair I know of started with "friendship;" and there are enough Christian books that encourage married Christians to really be circumspect in the their relationships with unrelated people of the opposite sex. This is not to say friendship is impossible but I think it's an unacceptable risk (1% is unacceptable if God says don't sin in this area and friendship is increasing the risk of sinning).
Can men and women who aren't married to each other really be friends (more that acquaintances)? We had a thread on that last month I think and there was a lot of back and forth on the idea, so it's not a slam dunk either way. But a lot of the people seemed to think it wasn't possible, and I wonder because men and women are just so different.
quote:
I just don't find anything in scripture to suggest that male/female relationships (even close ones) are wrong. To the contrary, I read about loving one another as Brothers and Sisters, and loving each other as we would ourselves, and I find no exceptions made just because someone is of the opposite sex.
True. But there are no male/female friendships to set a precedent, either. Look at the OT and see that man/woman relationships seemed to end either in marriage or adultery (Deborah excepted, but that didn't look like a friendship but was strategy planning). It's a grey area, Dave, and most of my argument comes from inference and observation, not command.
My husband and I don't have friends of the opposite sex unless their mate is friends with us, too. Neither of us, by mutual agreement, is ever alone with a person of the opposite sex. I recently heard that Billy and Ruth Graham did this, too.
quote:
The whole idea is just flawed from the start in my opinion. There seems to be the idea that our spouse should be everything. Not so. Just because I go fishing with a buddy and he fulfills a need my wife does not does not mean it is an affair. And that can be applied to many things including male-female relationships.
I don't know how "our spouse should be everything" comes out of this - half the world is male and you have plenty of friends to choose from. I can pick friends from the other half (so between us we got the whole world covered!  ) And you fishing with your buddy is highly unlikely to have sexual overtones of any kind. I'm only talking about male/female friendships.
Tangent: What kind of fish to you go for? I love to go trout fishing, I just never catch any trout.
I have relationship with my elders but always in a circumspect way; someone else is always around and can be visible when we talk. I am friends with my neighbors, but in couples. I chat with the mail man but it's always in public and I don't get in the truck with him. Am I at risk to sin? Any Christian can, but I'm staying as far from that cliff edge as I can.
2 Timothy 2:4 says it well, although it's not specific but broad brushstroke:
No soldier in active service entangles himself in the affairs of everyday life, so that he may please the one who enlisted him as a soldier.
My husband and I avoid the apprearance of evil to try to obey God and not sin, and this is a big part of it. We're just trying to live as well as we can, avoid temptation and not give anyone room to talk unless they invent an accusation. That's our basic motivation. If you feel differently, then you'll live differently and I can't say you're wrong; it just seems unwise. And who knows, next year I may feel totally different about it. But it seems wise for now so that's how I have to live. But you may be right.
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RE: Emotional purity - affair of the heart? - 11/5/2008 2:52:59 AM
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jaimestarcross
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I haven't even heard of that book.
There's men I share common interests with and have spent
a large amount of time alone with. I have had these same males
as friends for over 25 years - we went to elementary & high school together for the biggest portion of our lives! It's only natural they would know me
better than other males I became friends with later on in life.
A lot has to do with trust and which ones respect me and my marriage.
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RE: Emotional purity - affair of the heart? - 11/5/2008 10:08:34 AM
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mrtigger
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quote:
ORIGINAL: stimulus
The author defines emotionally intimate relationships as close, private relationships that stir up strong feelings.
Yes I think those relationships are wrong. That is what an emotional affair is.
I think the context is clear that this is in regards to romantic type of feelings. I certainly have a close relationship with my daughter but those kind of relationships are not what the author is talking about. Although I haven't read his book...
There is nothing morally wrong with having a friendship with the opposite sex as long as it stays just friendly. And I know some people who seem capable of keeping those friendships in bounds. Good for them. However, some of my own friendships have turned into emotional infidelity and for that reason, I think it is best for me to minimize my friendships with women. Others can make their own choice but many of them will find out the hard way that it can turn into a real mess.
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RE: Emotional purity - affair of the heart? - 11/5/2008 3:56:48 PM
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kd4hvz
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quote:
ORIGINAL: deermousie
It's a tight father/daughter relationship, and godly. My husband and daughter are very close, too, and I rejoice. If you are worried about my definition, I said a man and an unrelated woman.
Here is where I was coming from... People adopt, and there is no blood relation. People take others under their wing, and it is not a blood relation. There are many ways someone can become close and not be related, and that would include friendships. I think the bottom line is how they are looked at. If someone sees "a female" that is very different than seeing "a Brother/Sister in the Lord". For example, my wife and I work with youth. We have a burden for the girls and the issues that they deal with. I see them like another daughter to me. So, for example, in my eyes I see a daughter that we are trying to help mature, while another person might see the female half of a sexual relationship. It all depends on the lenses you look through.
quote:
ORIGINAL: deermousie
Nor does God say that. I didn't either; are you making statements in general or responding to me? I'm assuming the latter since I'm the only other person who wrote anything in response. Forgive me please if I'm misreading you, Dave. .
I think you are refering to my statement. I was speaking in the context of anyone, not you in particular. Sorry. I didn't stop to think it could be interpreted both ways.
quote:
Can men and women who aren't married to each other really be friends (more that acquaintances)? We had a thread on that last month I think and there was a lot of back and forth on the idea, so it's not a slam dunk either way. But a lot of the people seemed to think it wasn't possible, and I wonder because men and women are just so different. .
There is a balance. To one extreme is no awareness of how relationships develop and no concern for the lenses we look through. That puts us at risk of inappropriate relationships. But the other extreme is to be so afraid of relationships that we fail to love as God has commanded us to. There must be a balance and that balance will be different based on temperament and conviction.
The part that we need to be conscious of is that each person is different. To suggest that because "some" see through lenses that lead them to sin does not mean that all will. That would be like saying that because some get drunk when it comes to alcohol that no one should ever drink wine with a meal because they will end up drunk. It is taking the weakness if some and suggesting that all must have that same weakness. So long as we realize that everyone is different and sees things through different lenses we can learn to acknowledge that not everyone will go down the same path, whether that be a good path or a bad path.
quote:
I don't know how "our spouse should be everything" comes out of this - half the world is male and you have plenty of friends to choose from.
I often hear the two ideas lumped together. It is frequent that people suggest that an emotional relationship is when someone provides a need that their spouse should have provided. But, to use a silly example, I see no reason why if two people (male and female) like to jog that they can't meet and jog together once in a while if that is something they enjoy. It is, to me, no different than if it were someone of the same sex. That said, if you are not looking at them with the right lenses then I certainly could see where that could be an issue! It really is, in my mind, all about the lenses that someone looks through when they see that other person.
quote:
Tangent: What kind of fish to you go for? I love to go trout fishing, I just never catch any trout.
Sorry. I don't fish. I was just using that as an example. 
quote:
If you feel differently, then you'll live differently and I can't say you're wrong; it just seems unwise. And who knows, next year I may feel totally different about it. But it seems wise for now so that's how I have to live. But you may be right.
Certainly it can be an issue of wisdom, but I think many times it is an issue of personal conviction that we try to impose on others. We assume because we see things a certain way that others should see them that way to. And it works both ways. 
And for the record, I am not suggesting you are doing that, just so you know. 
_____________________________
-Michael in beautiful Bedford, VA
[http://www.kd4hvz.com/]
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RE: Emotional purity - affair of the heart? - 11/5/2008 10:16:14 PM
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Odile
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So then where is the fine line between a friendship and something else?
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RE: Emotional purity - affair of the heart? - 11/5/2008 10:30:39 PM
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zippty_day
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I have always had guy friends and most of them I was not so emotional with them that I thought of them more than a brother. One 'brother' however, did stir up some feelings and at times I questioned whether he was having 'feelings' towards me. We are both married. One time, while speaking to him on the the phone he asked me if I loved him? I was silent because I wasn't sure what he was asking. Then he asked me if I love him and his family. Well, of course I did. One time, when I was having difficulty with my husband, my friend said that he didn't want me to do anything bad towards my husband. I questioned what it was he thought I was going to do? There was no answer from him that I remember. I'd pray and ask God to forgive me because I felt it'd crossed the line to an emotional affair but I was so confused and wasn't sure. Towards the end, he kind of got mean towards me. Then later, in front of another friend, grabbed my hand and said he was sorry and that he loved me very much. I assumed it was once again as a friend or brother. Now we have no contact and I don't have to deal with those feelings but every once in a while I wonder. It's much better to stay emotional with your spouse than have to deal with situations like this above. I think it's normal to feel attracted to the opposite sex even after marriage but it's what we do with those thoughts and feelings. For example. I went to a walk in clinic a while back. My doctor there happened to be very attractive to me and when he was listening to my heart, I could barely breathe! When I got home, I told my husband that he needed to come with me next time because I was very uncomfortable. Just saying that attraction is natural and feelings too, but just take every thought captive and bring it into submission to the Word of God. :D
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RE: Emotional purity - affair of the heart? - 11/5/2008 11:17:36 PM
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stimulus
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Thanks for the responses. Just to clarify, I'm not asking if "emotional affairs" involving married people are wrong. I think we would all agree that is wrong. The only disagreement there might be in when a "friendship" between a married person and a friend of the opposite sex would cross the line.
The book's thesis, however, is that those type of emotionally close relationships are wrong between unmarried friends. The reason is that people - particularly women - begin to feel attached in ways they shouldn't feel outside of marriage, people get hurt when their hopes for the friendship\relationship don't plan out, and down the road, people compare their spouse to the opposite-sex friend, wondering why the spouse doesn't understand the person as well. It ends up creating emotional baggage that you take into a marriage, just like physical intimacy does.
The author isn't saying that men and women can't be friends. However, she encourages people to maintain some distance - to have some boundaries. If a woman spends a lot of time with a man and they open up to each other in ways they do with no one else, strong feelings (not necessarily romantic) begin to develop. She doesn't think that kind of emotional bond between unmarried, unrelated opposite-sex friends is good.
The possibility of romantic feelings developing in the woman is a key reason why she thinks it's a bad idea. She says that while a guy may be able to mentally undress a girl in seconds, a girl can mentally marry a guy in seconds if she feels close to him. While it's the girl's fault if she lefts her emotions get the best of her, the guy should be careful not to lead her on - just like a woman should dress modestly.
So, what boundaries do you think opposite-sex friends should honor? How do you keep a friendship with an opposite-sex friend from "going too far" emotionally?
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RE: Emotional purity - affair of the heart? - 11/6/2008 9:38:49 AM
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DaveW
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quote:
ORIGINAL: deermousie
I've often wondered if those romance novels (you know, the bare-chested man embracing the off-the-shoulder woman on the cover) aren't sin because a woman can fantasize about an emotional response that belongs in engagement and early marriage and God hasn't put her there. They are not called "girl porn" for no reason.
Some (unbelieving psycologists) have said the best way for a woman to understand male sexuality is by watching porn and the best way for a man to understand female sexuality is by reading romance novels. While there are obvious moral issues that those who say this do not consider, both formats are specifically geared toward that fantasy part in men and women in order to elicit an immediate response.
_____________________________
Avatar is Saphira 5 months and Louvena at 23 months!
We are now grandparents TWICE!!
====================================
Our CD is now available here:
http://cdbaby.com/cd/dswaggoner
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RE: Emotional purity - affair of the heart? - 11/6/2008 9:52:40 AM
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mrtigger
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Odile
So then where is the fine line between a friendship and something else?
The line is blurry, not fine. In those situations, I've found it is not obvious when things are crossing from 'an ok friendly' to 'too friendly', or kinda flirty, or out of bounds feelings, etc. Because of the blurry lines, it is real easy to rationalize that 'this relationship is inbounds' even when it probably is not.
If there were clear lines so that I could know immediately that I was out of bounds, and a graceful way of defusing it when I have crossed over the line, that would certainly help avoid problems. But I don't think such things exist. I know I've never found them anyway....
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RE: Emotional purity - affair of the heart? - 11/6/2008 10:17:49 AM
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NoShow
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I'd say the author is correct in most cases. Maybe not all, but definitely most.
Prior to getting married (at 36), I always had a lot of female friends. And among them, had some friendships\relationships like the author talks about. Personally, I never had a problem with holding up the proper bountaries in those friendships\relationships. But in most of them (not quite all of them), eventually, the other person (so, the female) ran into a problem in regards to boundaries. I'm sure there are females out there that have been in similar situations as me. But I know I and others like me are the exception, not the rule.
For most of that time, I wasn't a Christian, so Scripture wasn't guiding me (though one could say I was "lined up" with Scripture). Knowing now what I know, about how the enemy uses temptation; in hindsight, I know the best thing to do would have been to not let those friendships\relationships go as far as they did (even though they never "crossed the line").
So in regards to talking to the masses, the author is right. And in regards to those that see themselves as the exceptions to the rule, keep in mind that the other party (the person of the opposite gender in the friendship\relationship) may not also be an exception , so the book more likely than not, also applies to all friendships\relationships, even if it doesn't apply to all people.
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RE: Emotional purity - affair of the heart? - 11/6/2008 2:35:39 PM
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kd4hvz
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quote:
ORIGINAL: OdileSo then where is the fine line between a friendship and something else?
quote:
ORIGINAL: stimulusSo, what boundaries do you think opposite-sex friends should honor? How do you keep a friendship with an opposite-sex friend from "going too far" emotionally?
There is no magic formula because we are each different. That said, I do feel that when we look at each other as if we were biological brothers/sister that it creates a good framework for what is appropriate and what is not. When you start to interact with something other than you would for a brother/sister, or son/daughter, etc. than I believe you need to be very aware of where you are are going and what lenses you are looking through.
Another way of looking at it is to ask yourself "Is my interaction with this person drawing them closer to God and making them a better Christian, or is my interaction risking or limiting their spiritual purity or maturity before God?"
_____________________________
-Michael in beautiful Bedford, VA
[http://www.kd4hvz.com/]
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RE: Emotional purity - affair of the heart? - 11/6/2008 2:41:44 PM
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kd4hvz
Posts: 34
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quote:
ORIGINAL: NoShow
So in regards to talking to the masses, the author is right. And in regards to those that see themselves as the exceptions to the rule, keep in mind that the other party (the person of the opposite gender in the friendship\relationship) may not also be an exception , so the book more likely than not, also applies to all friendships\relationships, even if it doesn't apply to all people.
I think this is a great point. While it may take two to develop into an full blow affair as we traditionally think of it, either of the individuals can still be approaching the relationship in an emotionally unhealthy way while the other is healthy and innocent.
_____________________________
-Michael in beautiful Bedford, VA
[http://www.kd4hvz.com/]
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RE: Emotional purity - affair of the heart? - 11/6/2008 7:00:57 PM
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deermousie
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quote:
ORIGINAL: DaveW
They are not called "girl porn" for no reason.
Ah! I didn't know that, but it sure makes sense.
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RE: Emotional purity - affair of the heart? - 11/7/2008 4:52:28 PM
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stimulus
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quote:
ORIGINAL: mrtigger
quote:
ORIGINAL: Odile
So then where is the fine line between a friendship and something else?
The line is blurry, not fine. In those situations, I've found it is not obvious when things are crossing from 'an ok friendly' to 'too friendly', or kinda flirty, or out of bounds feelings, etc. Because of the blurry lines, it is real easy to rationalize that 'this relationship is inbounds' even when it probably is not.
If there were clear lines so that I could know immediately that I was out of bounds, and a graceful way of defusing it when I have crossed over the line, that would certainly help avoid problems. But I don't think such things exist. I know I've never found them anyway....
I agree with what you said about the line being blurry. It;s a "slippery slope" kind of thing, not a black-and-white, it was fine one day until you crossed a clear, fine line.
I don't know where\what "the line" is, but I'm pretty sure I've gotten myself in over my head with a friend. I don't know what to do. Sure, you can mark fake lines in the ground and never befriend people of the opposite sex so it can't go too far, but that's no way to live. But what do you when you wake up one day and realize that you're all wrapped up emotionally in ways you shouldn't be?
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RE: Emotional purity - affair of the heart? - 11/7/2008 5:14:16 PM
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NoShow
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I think the line is pretty clear. What happens is we tend to "squint" ours eyes to make the line blurry, so we can use it as an excuse.
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RE: Emotional purity - affair of the heart? - 11/7/2008 5:24:01 PM
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Odile
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stimulus:
How does someone become "wrapped up emotionally in ways you shouldn't be?" Not, how did you let that happen, but what makes it wrong? Yes, I agree an affair is wrong, however, a cross gendered relationship is not an affair, nor is being close to someone of the opposite sex.
In your original post you asked "What do you think? It that almost as bad as having an "emotional affair" after marriage - because you're giving away a part of yourself that should be reserved for marriage?"
How do we give away parts of ourselves (aside from premarital sex) that should be reserved only for marriage? Sure I think we can get wrapped up in a relationship and give pieces of ourselves away, but the alternative is to not genuinely love. Because no matter who you love, you're giving a piece of yourself to them, and it will hurt if or when things change. So, is genuine love only reserved for marriage?
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RE: Emotional purity - affair of the heart? - 11/7/2008 7:20:38 PM
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mrtigger
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quote:
ORIGINAL: stimulus
I don't know where\what "the line" is, but I'm pretty sure I've gotten myself in over my head with a friend. I don't know what to do. Sure, you can mark fake lines in the ground and never befriend people of the opposite sex so it can't go too far, but that's no way to live. But what do you when you wake up one day and realize that you're all wrapped up emotionally in ways you shouldn't be?
Depends on how bad it is. But for sure you need to discontinue contact with whoever she is for at least a while. I don't think you can fix this while still having a connection to her. If the emotions aren't too deep yet, you may be able to restart the friendship after some time passes and you've gotten your emotions back in line. But I wouldn't count on that. If the emotions are really strong, you probably should disconnect from her permanently.
Disconnect for 6 months or so, work on the issue during that time, and then see where you are at. And if you haven't done so already, tell your wife about the issue.
A counseler may help you understand the feelings that you are having for her and what to do about them.
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mr tigger
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RE: Emotional purity - affair of the heart? - 11/7/2008 8:21:08 PM
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kd4hvz
Posts: 34
Joined: 11/2/2006
From: Bedford, VA
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Odile
Sure I think we can get wrapped up in a relationship and give pieces of ourselves away, but the alternative is to not genuinely love. Because no matter who you love, you're giving a piece of yourself to them, and it will hurt if or when things change. So, is genuine love only reserved for marriage?
That is the point that is often missed in an attempt to avoid a worst case scenario. We are commanded to love one another, and you can't genuinely love without investing your heart in the relationship to some degree.
So the answer, as I read it in scripture, is that genuine love for the brethren is part of spiritual maturity. There is much merit to staying away from the cliff, but if your goal is to stay as far away from the cliff as you can you risk never genuinely loving, and without that you have failed to love as God loves. The goal is not to avoid loving, but rather to love appropriately - as God wants us to.
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-Michael in beautiful Bedford, VA
[http://www.kd4hvz.com/]
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RE: Emotional purity - affair of the heart? - 11/7/2008 8:30:19 PM
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stimulus
Posts: 186
Joined: 6/4/2005
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: mrtigger
Disconnect for 6 months or so, work on the issue during that time, and then see where you are at. And if you haven't done so already, tell your wife about the issue.
Oh, goodness. I'm not married and I'm not a guy.
quote:
ORIGINAL: Odile
How does someone become "wrapped up emotionally in ways you shouldn't be?" Not, how did you let that happen, but what makes it wrong? Yes, I agree an affair is wrong, however, a cross gendered relationship is not an affair, nor is being close to someone of the opposite sex.
It's not a just a matter of being close, but of the things I think about and wish would happen. For starters, you've got to understand that I've never really liked a guy beyond a school kid's crush, and I've never had a relationship. I had plenty of male and female friends, and a great family; I just wasn't interested in dating, relationships, or marriage. So I didn't do it, and didn't think about it either - I was busy with school, work, church, family, etc. And I was 110% content. When I imagined myself 20 years down the road, I imagined myself single.
This guy and I am became friends years ago. We worked together in church ministry, but it's been in the last year that we've done a lot more of that. He led a ministry I was a part of, and over time, he came to really trust me. He relied on me for practical help, but he also started confiding in me and looking to me for some emotional\spiritual support. We hung out in a group of friends, but we talked primarily to each other. Other times, we talked privately before services, and more recently, we've been to dinner alone a couple times.
We have talked about everything under the sun. Work and long-term career\ministry goals. Theology and doctrine and our spiritual lives. How he wants to raise his kids and what kind of wife he wants. Our biggest faults and biggest dreams.
Meanwhile, I'm the one he calls when he needs help at church. The stuff I've done - behind-the-scenes work when he's preaching, setting up food with him before events, etc - is the same kind of thing my girlfriends who are married to pastors do for their husbands, and they started teasing me. At the same time, others at church have thought we're dating, and one visitor assumed he was my husband. I can't tell you how many times I've told a waitress that I need a separate ticket, espcially now that our best friends are all engaged.
None is that is wrong per se, but I play it all over and over again in my mind these days, hoping that he's on the verse of proposing or something. I don't think it's genuinely loving to imagine myself married to someone else's future husband. I think about it all the time and it's just... nuts.
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RE: Emotional purity - affair of the heart? - 11/7/2008 9:01:00 PM
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mrtigger
Posts: 321
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: stimulus
Oh, goodness. I'm not married and I'm not a guy.
Sorry... The OP was about friendships of married persons so thats what I thought your situation was. And I did a quick search and it looked like you had responded on a He says thread so I figured you were a guy... No offense intended.
I don't see anything morally wrong with your friendship with the guy at church.
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mr tigger
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