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RE: Repented husband wanting to save marriage - 12/1/2008 2:45:55 PM
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Hislittleone
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quote:
but I can not stand here and become a door mat!!
Brian, don't forget that husbands are commanded to lay down their lives for their wives just as Christ did for the Church.....
Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her
It also says you are to love and care for her as you do yourself. So make sure she's taken care of as well as or better than you are.
I hope you don't intend to fight over the division of your possessions during the divorce. That will only drive her away. Humility and selflessness will get you much further.
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RE: Repented husband wanting to save marriage - 12/2/2008 7:45:58 AM
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brianm73
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I totally intend to take care of her as much as she will let me. As for the material goods, how do you define being humble and selflessness! I do not believe I should just sit back and let her have everything. We both put our money into having the things we have. But when that time comes I will give it to God and ask him for the wisdom I need to proceed in a way that brings glory to his name! At least I hope I will, just to be honest!!! Last night she told me she is just ready for this to be over. Things are just too weird for her, and that we should not be living together. I asked if she still wanted to keep the house until the school year was over and she said yes it is only fair to the boys. Then I asked if she was really ready to throw away 20 years of life together and she said "YES". So, I said "OK", and went to bed. To be honest, I think I am ready to just get on with my life and see what God has planned for me now! I will continue to pray for her and who knows maybe his plan is for us to be apart for awhile!!!
_____________________________
Those who trust in the Lord will find new strength, they will soar high on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint. In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.
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RE: Repented husband wanting to save marriage - 12/2/2008 9:00:59 AM
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iwillfearnoevil
Posts: 4461
Joined: 11/6/2007
From: upstate NY
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quote:
ORIGINAL: brianm73
I totally intend to take care of her as much as she will let me. As for the material goods, how do you define being humble and selflessness! I do not believe I should just sit back and let her have everything. We both put our money into having the things we have. But when that time comes I will give it to God and ask him for the wisdom I need to proceed in a way that brings glory to his name!
i think you are right. there are a couple of considerations such as you need to survive or how custody will be handled (one parent mostly or 50/50 split) ...
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Photoblogging My Life
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RE: Repented husband wanting to save marriage - 12/2/2008 1:21:10 PM
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Hislittleone
Posts: 628
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quote:
Let me start by saying I was the husband that does not deserve a good wife. We have been together for about 20 years and married for about 16. During those 20 years, I have been abusive, physically and mentally. Add to that 11 years ago I had an affair, and told my wife about it 3 years ago. The reason why I told her was because I was trying to give my life to Christ and felt convicted to tell her. The problem was after I told her I still treated her badly. I have not cheated on her since, but was not loving at all. NOT VERY CHRISTIAN. Well, I stepped away from God and became very, very bitter and my hatred towards my wife grew.
Brian, because of these things I believe your wife deserves to come out on top in the divorce settlement. IMO you owe her big time.
Also, the Bible speaks about making restitution to those we sin against.
Exodus 22:3.......A thief must certainly make restitution.......
You have stolen much from your wife. For 20 years you have taken her security and peace of mind. For 20 years you brought sin and turmoil into her life and the lives of your children.
This is what true repentance looks like.....
2 Corinthians 2:11 See what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what concern, what readiness to see justice done. At every point you have proved yourselves to be innocent in this matter.
You should do whatever it takes to make things right, to make reparation for the damage you've done. In the settlement take the bare minimum you will need in order to survive. I won't really comment on custody because I don't know what kind of father you've been.
Humility and selflessness would be recognizing that you deserve nothing. At least that's the way I define it.
My husband was not a good husband for many years. He was unfaithful (porn), at times physically abusive, alcoholic and the most selfish man I'd ever known. God has restored our marriage beyond what we'd ever dreamed it could be. It's taken a lot of work on my husband's part. He humbled himself before the Lord and me. Instead of fighting for "his rights" he works to take care of me emotionally and physically, putting me first in all things. He has really worked hard to live out that Bible verse I quoted earlier about "husbands laying down their lives..." It's not an easy thing to do because we humans are very selfish creatures. But when we accept Christ we are no longer bound by the sinful nature and have the freedom to choose which way we will go.
If you really want to prove to your wife that you are a changed man then show her in your every action. If you make efforts to reach out to her and she pushes you away don't react in frustration or anger but in unconditional love.
I realize some of this may seem harsh but I speak out of concern as your sister in Christ. 
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RE: Repented husband wanting to save marriage - 12/2/2008 3:29:28 PM
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brianm73
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Hislittleone, Thank you for your honesty... And I take what each of you say to heart and then pray on it. I still pray that my wife and I can work things out, but I feel she is too far gone! You are right I owe her alot, and if her taking everything helps her in some way then thats what I would be willing to do. Thank you all again for your input............
_____________________________
Those who trust in the Lord will find new strength, they will soar high on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint. In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.
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RE: Repented husband wanting to save marriage - 12/2/2008 3:37:44 PM
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cynthia
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It does no good to focus on what your wife says or does. You have to focus on the Lord and His word. Do what is right. Walk in peace and don't worry about whether she will change her mind or not. Your main concern should be with your relationship with the Lord and how you treat others. In fact, Jesus said that sums up the law and the prophets: Love the Lord your God with all your heart soul and might and love your neighbor as yourself.
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My husband and I have a motto:
We are the leader. We are one.
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RE: Repented husband wanting to save marriage - 12/2/2008 3:46:38 PM
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brianm73
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I do have a peace about it, but I still cant help, but to want her to love me. I know that maybe selfish, but I have seen the errors of my ways and I wish she could see my love for her is true. I also know that God will take this and use it for his purpose, and in time this shall pass.....
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Those who trust in the Lord will find new strength, they will soar high on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint. In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.
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RE: Repented husband wanting to save marriage - 12/2/2008 4:16:56 PM
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cynthia
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quote:
ORIGINAL: brianm73
I do have a peace about it, but I still cant help, but to want her to love me. I know that maybe selfish, but I have seen the errors of my ways and I wish she could see my love for her is true. I also know that God will take this and use it for his purpose, and in time this shall pass.....
It's good you want her to love you. What I am saying is that your attitude and behaviors towards her should not be based on you wanting her to love you, but from your desire to walk in love and to serve both the Lord and your wife.
_____________________________
My husband and I have a motto:
We are the leader. We are one.
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RE: Repented husband wanting to save marriage - 12/2/2008 5:19:41 PM
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brianm73
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I dont know what more I can do. I am giving her as much space and time alone as possible. Even to the point of sleeping in the basement. I have changed my morning shcedule and have started getting up early to help with the kids. I do dishes, help with the laundry, complement her on her looks, and try to greet her with a smile. I even tell her I love you at least once a day. I know what you all will say, ITS ONLY BEEN TWO MONTH. I am just relaying what I have been doing. What more can I do?????? I am still going to counseling, I read the bible and pray everyday, so I will continue to stay on Gods path. Every Sunday I take my boys to church with me. I know this will not be fixed over night, and I know I am to blame for this whole mess. I just wish it could be fixed!!!
_____________________________
Those who trust in the Lord will find new strength, they will soar high on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint. In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.
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RE: Repented husband wanting to save marriage - 12/2/2008 7:49:12 PM
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cynthia
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Keep doing what you have been doing. If there is something else, the Lord will reveal it as you seek Him. Any changes you are making ought to be permanent changes coming from a heart change.
It seems from your posts that you are expecting some sort of change in your wife. I don't think you should have any expectations. That should help you to relax a bit. Enjoy the time you have with her for what it is, time with her.
Did you read the information on the link that Cindybode sent you?
_____________________________
My husband and I have a motto:
We are the leader. We are one.
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RE: Repented husband wanting to save marriage - 12/3/2008 8:20:03 AM
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brianm73
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Yes, I did check out the site she recommended and bought the book " Man of her dreams woman of his". An to be honest that is how I found out she was going through with the divorice. One of the things they have you do is have your wife rate your marriage on a scale of 1 to 10. Well, I asked heer to rate ours, and her reply was "our friendship or our marriage?". I said our marriage, and then she replied, " Our marriage is over, I am going through with the divorice." This was about two weeks ago. Since then I have not picked the book back up!! You said I should not except any changes from my wife, then how do I know if I am doing the right things or not?? Dont get me wrong I am not trying to force her or anything; I know that will just push her away. I know I need to just stay focused on Christ, and if it works out for the good, then praise God. But that is easier said then done. Granted I am getting better at it. Last night I even slept really good!!! Todays LOVE DARE is to do something KIND, any suggestions????? I like I have said before I help out around the house already, not sure what more I can do. I was planning on cleaning the bathrooms, when I got home from work.. Would you ladies take that as an act of kindness????
_____________________________
Those who trust in the Lord will find new strength, they will soar high on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint. In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.
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RE: Repented husband wanting to save marriage - 12/3/2008 8:38:06 AM
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Restored_Heart
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Brian... I think God is using this time to grow some "fruits" in you....
from Galations 5
quote:
Life by the Spirit
16So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. 17For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want. 18But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under law.
19The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; 20idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions 21and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.
22But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. 24Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. 25Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. 26Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.
God uses hardships and wilderness times like this to grow us the way He needs us to be.... this is your growing time.
Her hurt and hard heartedness is the tool He is using to develop your love, patience, faithfulness, and self-control right now. Focus on Him and choosing to love - even if it is not returned. It took years to get to this point, it will not fix overnight. Trust that God knows what He is doing.
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"Ya mom, I got to see "Some Italian guy" in concert..."
Some Italian guy? (Carman) :p
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RE: Repented husband wanting to save marriage - 12/3/2008 9:57:39 AM
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raivyne
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brian, I admire your efforts to rectify the situation you have created. I also commend you for giving your heart to the Lord.
One thing I've noticed, or rather thought, while reading your posts is that you're doing all of this to win your wife back. While that is a commendable thing to do, and the right thing too, I fear you may become disappointed if your efforts do not yeild the outcome you desire. I think you should prepare yourself mentally for your marriage to fail. Of course God can restore your marriage, but not without your wife's desire for the same. I would just hate to see you get discouraged with God if your marriage fails. I'm not saying you will, I just hope you are prepared. I think you should continue to help your wife and show her you care, but try to do it with a spirit of service because it is what God would want... not just with the motive of saving your marriage.
I truely hope that your marriage will be saved.
If you want to go all out for an act of kindness. Pay for her to have a night out with her friends (dinner and a movie maybe) while you stay home and watch your boys. While she is out clean the house, find something that needs fixing and fix it, and/or get her something that will make her life easier.
_____________________________
P.U.S.H. – Pray Until Something Happens
What if God is asking us for a sign?
Knowledge is proud; wisdom is humble.
Patiently waiting for my KSA
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RE: Repented husband wanting to save marriage - 12/3/2008 10:22:26 AM
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laura...
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Like others have said, all your efforts may not save your marriage. If your only goal is to win back your wife and save your marriage then you are missing the chance of a lifetime. You alone cannot fix your marriage. In order to fix your marriage you have to have the cooperation of your wife. You can't make her cooperate. However, you can fix yourself without your wife's cooperation. You can change. You can become a better husband, father, man and follower of Christ. You are the only person you (with the help of the Holy Spirit) can change.
1 Cor 9:23 I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings. 24 Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. 25 Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. 26 Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. 27 No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize.
What is the prize that you are running this race for? A restored marriage or eternal life and becoming Christ-like? No one can guarantee you a restored marriage. The Word of God can guarantee you eternal life and becoming Christ-like. Now that is a prize worth running for.
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This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’ Jer 6:16
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RE: Repented husband wanting to save marriage - 12/3/2008 7:30:54 PM
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cynthia
Posts: 8073
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From: Beautiful Puget Sound Region
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quote:
ORIGINAL: brianm73
Yes, I did check out the site she recommended and bought the book " Man of her dreams woman of his". An to be honest that is how I found out she was going through with the divorice. One of the things they have you do is have your wife rate your marriage on a scale of 1 to 10. Well, I asked heer to rate ours, and her reply was "our friendship or our marriage?". I said our marriage, and then she replied, " Our marriage is over, I am going through with the divorice." This was about two weeks ago. Since then I have not picked the book back up!!
Pick up the book! You are still married to her. It may be over in her mind, but really that’s okay. Frankly your old marriage needs to die and a new marriage needs to replace it. You are learning to die to yourself, but that doesn’t mean you are hopeless, it means you have new life. How do you know that your marriage cannot be saved? You don’t know that at all.
quote:
ORIGINAL: brianm73
You said I should not except any changes from my wife, then how do I know if I am doing the right things or not??
Your wife’s response is not a gauge for whether you are doing the right thing or not. For one thing, if I were to advise a friend who had been in an abusive marriage for 20 years, I would tell her to be very cautious and watch to see how you were a year from now. I would not advise her to divorce you, when you appear to be repentant, but would tell her not to trust you until you had shown over a prolonged period of time, that you could be trusted in stressful circumstances and good alike. You have to prove yourself before your wife will even begin to think about believing you. Being impatient after two months is not going to help you out here. You have to exhibit the ability to die to yourself through hard times over and over again before you have shown yourself to be truly repentant.
The way you know that what you are doing is right is by comparing yourself to the word of God. Read
1 Corinthians 13 and compare yourself to that. Next read Philippians chapter 2 and compare yourself to that. When your attitudes and actions line up with the word of God, you know that what you are doing is right. Have you read about how a Christian is to behave with an unbelieving spouse? It is directed to women, but is equally applicable to men as well.
1 Corinthians 7:10-16 is a good place to start.
Something very important to understand is that it is your attitude that matters. If you have a truly loving attitude, it will come out in your behaviors. Focus on your attitude more than on your behaviors and let the Lord direct what you are to do, as He changes the attitudes of your heart.
quote:
ORIGINAL: brianm73
Dont get me wrong I am not trying to force her or anything; I know that will just push her away. I know I need to just stay focused on Christ, and if it works out for the good, then praise God. But that is easier said then done. Granted I am getting better at it.
It always works for the good to stay focused on Christ. Of course it’s hard. That is the sin nature. This is the struggle of all Christians. As your relationship with the Lord grows, you will grow stronger, but it will never go away. The only way to remain in the Lord is to seek Him with all your heart, soul and might through prayer, Bible study and surrendering your life to Him constantly. I was reading Martin Luther’s 95 Theses with my daughter yesterday and really liked how he said that our entire life has to be one of repentance. This never ends, as we will not be perfected until we meet the Lord face to face.
quote:
ORIGINAL: brianm73
I like I have said before I help out around the house already, not sure what more I can do. I was planning on cleaning the bathrooms, when I got home from work.. Would you ladies take that as an act of kindness????
I know this is too late for today, but I couldn’t answer earlier.
That depends on various factors. Does your wife work outside the home? If so, are the chores divided and the bathroom is already her chore or does she do all the cleaning, etc.?
_____________________________
My husband and I have a motto:
We are the leader. We are one.
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RE: Repented husband wanting to save marriage - 12/4/2008 7:18:05 AM
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brianm73
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Its Thursday moring, and last night she asked me to get my own place. She said that she can not heal with me being in the house. So, here I am asking God what to do. Which is funny because yesterday I asked God if there was something I needed to do to help heal this marriage or stop doing. Well, I guess I got my answer!!!!!! It will be hard financially, but I will rely on God to get me through and show me the way. So, I guess today I start the hunt to find my apartment.
We talked for about an hour last night and the one thing she kept saying was that she has forgiven me, but she just can not forget. Then she said maybe one day if she was able to get past all this, we could hook back up. Then this morning before leaving for work, she came up to me and said "I Love You." and then gave me a hug. She also told me she seen how differntly I handle a situation last night when I came home from work. She said the old Brian would have acted a totally differnt way. Then she said she wished "WE", would have seeked help a long time ago.
I will continue to make Christ the center of my life, and if my marriage is restored then I will take that as a bonus. Keep praying folks, for her healing and for my growing in the Lord. It is going to be a long hard road. My whole life I have had to fight for myself (childhood thing), well now I am having to learn to not focus on myself, but to focus on God and my Family!!!!
_____________________________
Those who trust in the Lord will find new strength, they will soar high on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint. In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.
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RE: Repented husband wanting to save marriage - 12/4/2008 12:19:25 PM
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cynthia
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I do not think you should move out of the house. The Bible says to let them leave if they want to go. It never tells us that if our spouse wants us to leave that we should go. She is free to leave, but not to take the children.
_____________________________
My husband and I have a motto:
We are the leader. We are one.
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RE: Repented husband wanting to save marriage - 12/4/2008 12:47:28 PM
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raivyne
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I disagree, sort of. With the history of this relationship on the wife's side she could possibly pursue an ex parte against him for herself and her children. She may not get it, but the possibility is there. I think his wife is in a delicate state of mind right now, I don't think pushing her (which is what I think a refusal to move out may do) will send her in the direction of marraige restoration.
Perhaps a compromise can be reached between them, such as he agrees to find another place to sleep but doesn't move out completely and is still around during normal waking hours. Or maybe even if he agrees to sleep in a different room again, or agrees to stay in a motel for a week or two. If he decides not to move out I think he should be very careful not to try and strong arm the issue.
brian maybe you can talk to your pasor and ask his advice?
_____________________________
P.U.S.H. – Pray Until Something Happens
What if God is asking us for a sign?
Knowledge is proud; wisdom is humble.
Patiently waiting for my KSA
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RE: Repented husband wanting to save marriage - 12/4/2008 1:30:48 PM
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brianm73
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I have spoke to my counselor; which is a Christian counselor and my lawyer. My counselor thinks that if it will help her, then I should move out. Now, my lawyer says that I should stay; unless her and I can come up with a financial agreement that will not hurt either one of us. Ohio law would require me, until the divorice is final, to pay 100 % of the bill as if I was living in the house. Which would render me with no money to pay for an apartment, food, water, and electric. Plus, any other expense.
I could do it, if we could figure something out. Unfortinutly, she too will have to share some of the financial burden.
I just dont know what to do, I am sleeping in the basement, I help out around the house.
I know she needs to heal. All I can do is wait and see what she agrees to!
_____________________________
Those who trust in the Lord will find new strength, they will soar high on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint. In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.
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RE: Repented husband wanting to save marriage - 12/4/2008 3:40:29 PM
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Hislittleone
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Have you talked with your wife about this? If so, what did she say? Is there any way you could both cut back on some spending in different areas so that you could afford a very small, cheap apartment?
Also, is your wife a stay-at-home mom/wife or does she also work outside the home? If she's been a stay-at-home mom/wife then it would seem fair to me if you made sure her living circumstances don't change. Meaning that if you've been the sole financial provider I think you should continue doing that after the divorce. She's suffered enough and shouldn't have to suffer any more than necessary from here on out.
It really sounds like her heart isn't completely hardened towards you yet. I really think if you tread carefully you may be able to end up seeing your marriage restored one day. Although like others have said, you should be seeking to be Christlike out of love and devotion to God not just because you want to get your wife back.
IMO you shouldn't keep living in the home with her if she has asked you to move out. I agree with what Raivyne said......
quote:
I think his wife is in a delicate state of mind right now, I don't think pushing her (which is what I think a refusal to move out may do) will send her in the direction of marraige restoration.
< Message edited by Hislittleone -- 12/4/2008 3:50:46 PM >
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RE: Repented husband wanting to save marriage - 12/4/2008 3:47:20 PM
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cynthia
Posts: 8073
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From: Beautiful Puget Sound Region
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quote:
ORIGINAL: brianm73
I help out around the house.
Does your wife work outside the home?
_____________________________
My husband and I have a motto:
We are the leader. We are one.
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RE: Repented husband wanting to save marriage - 12/4/2008 5:24:56 PM
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brianm73
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yes, she works. She makes about 20,000 less then me a year.
_____________________________
Those who trust in the Lord will find new strength, they will soar high on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint. In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.
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RE: Repented husband wanting to save marriage - 12/4/2008 9:47:11 PM
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cynthia
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quote:
ORIGINAL: brianm73
yes, she works.
Then how are you helping her around the house? If she is working and you are working, you doing housework is not helping her, since she already has a job. Housework ought to be as much of your job as it is hers. It is important that you get this idea straight so that you are more honoring in your thinking towards your wife. To think that she ought to work to bring in money as well as be the person responsible for keeping house is outrageous in my estimation. Studies have shown that most households of men and women operate like this, so you are not unusual, however, that doesn't make it right. It puts undo pressure on women. Men need to understand that if they are expecting their wives to earn money, they should be willing to share housework as well. It is not a favor or a kindness to clean the bathroom or wash the dishes, it is a basic responsiblity.
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My husband and I have a motto:
We are the leader. We are one.
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RE: Repented husband wanting to save marriage - 12/5/2008 9:12:09 AM
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Restored_Heart
Posts: 953
Joined: 7/23/2005
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: brianm73
I have spoke to my counselor; which is a Christian counselor and my lawyer. My counselor thinks that if it will help her, then I should move out. Now, my lawyer says that I should stay; unless her and I can come up with a financial agreement that will not hurt either one of us. Ohio law would require me, until the divorice is final, to pay 100 % of the bill as if I was living in the house. Which would render me with no money to pay for an apartment, food, water, and electric. Plus, any other expense.
I could do it, if we could figure something out. Unfortinutly, she too will have to share some of the financial burden.
I just dont know what to do, I am sleeping in the basement, I help out around the house.
I know she needs to heal. All I can do is wait and see what she agrees to!
Be honest with her.... Talk to her - tell her that you want her to heal, but that you need to work together to find a way that is financially feasible for you to do so. Tell her your feelings about her and the marriage, and also tell her the lengths that you are willing to go to help her. See if she will soften enough to find a way to work through this with you. If nothing else, see if she would be willing to draft a financial agreement that would allow you to do as she wishes without harming you. Continue to be humble, respectful and loving in how you approach her. Remember the rules of "argument" - It is always ok to discuss how you feel, but never ok to attack the person. So, it is ok to say," when you do x, I feel y" but not ok to say, " you always x.... " Do you see the difference?
If you can, see if she will talk to you about how she feels. Is she afraid? Find out what she is afraid will happen if she remains married to you - you may be surprised to learn what she is feeling.
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"Ya mom, I got to see "Some Italian guy" in concert..."
Some Italian guy? (Carman) :p
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RE: Repented husband wanting to save marriage - 12/5/2008 9:34:01 AM
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iwillfearnoevil
Posts: 4461
Joined: 11/6/2007
From: upstate NY
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: cynthia
I do not think you should move out of the house. The Bible says to let them leave if they want to go. It never tells us that if our spouse wants us to leave that we should go. She is free to leave, but not to take the children.
agreed. i would let the wife initiate the leaving. i think i asked about children a few days ago, what are your plans regarding custody?
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