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Spousal Abuse - 11/11/2008 7:55:32 AM
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4agape
Posts: 9
Joined: 5/6/2008
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I really need spiritual guidance right now. My husband and I are between churches and are currently having problems. I was shocked the other day because we were having a disagreement on me "keeping up with the house" and maintaining all of my other responsibilities.
For some reason, he starts to call me names that are childish in a way. I have to admit, I use to never call him names, but now I do say stuff (childish) to get back at him. In the heat of the moment, it is hard to control it. Well, after I responded back to him with an ugly comment (just as he calls me), he runs up to me and grabs ME like a man would another man. Then of course, he began to call me more obsene names.
He has never laid his hands on me before, but that day I am afraid that he is not too far from doing so. Its strange because he use to never respond the way he does. I know he has an anger problem, but he refuses to see it. It seems like he is getting worse over the past 7 years.
On some occasions, we get into arguements and when we do they rarely get heated the way this one did and It was over something stupid.
I just need help in the house and he thinks I am not doing enough when my plate is already full. Its hard to get him to see how he needs to help me. When I ask, it rarely get accomplished unless I ask over and over. For some reason he doesnt see this either.
I pray for him, we pray together, we both love the Lord, but when moments like this come up it consumes our relationship. I know I am just as guilty as he is because I allow it to get to me. I raise my voice because he raises his and.....
I haven't spoke with him about it. The day it happened I was so shocked. I felt weird even speaking with him. He told me he was sorry for "what he said". He also stated that we needed to sit down and write out what I did wrong and what he did wrong. It never happened because of my inability to speak with him. WHAT AM I TO DO? I haven' t been speaking with him and for the most part...he is really good at trying to make small talk about things, but for some reason I feel weird talking to him. WHAT DO I DO? I have been praying, and praying....
HOW DO I APPROACH THE SITUATION? PLEASE, SOMEONE WITH SOUND ADVICE. I NEED IT.
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RE: Spousal Abuse - 11/11/2008 10:44:25 AM
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pbaribeault
Posts: 1097
Joined: 4/29/2005
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If this isolated incident is the thing that changes him deeply, by showing him how out of control his rage is... that's the only way that this is ever OK.
If he doesn't approach you, confess that he sinned against you, repent, ask forgiveness and tell you what he plans to do to stop this from ever happening again... then you need to get out of the house, change the locks or ask him to leave. It is not OK to live with an unrepentant abusive man. It's not even OK to live with an abusive man that is "repentant" but has no plans for change. Abuse breaks covenants, and I fundamentally believe that people who abuse their spouses loose the right to live together with their spouse.
If you are disappointed in your own behaviour, you are free to change it, to make better choices, use more self-control, develop relationship skills -- anything you like... BUT your behaviour does not cause abuse, nor does it excuse abuse. No matter how crummy you might be acting, it does not give other people the right to assault you. (You know that's true!) Assault is a crime, and the right to be free from assault is a human right.
If you feel you have sinned against your husband, by disrespect and/or rage, or anything else, you should repent, in detail, and ask forgiveness... but that has nothing to do with how you are responding to his choice to physically attack you.
When you decide to forgive this act, you will still be left with the choice of whether or not to continue trying to live together with your husband. You must make this decision on the basis of trust and confidence -- not wishful thinking, loneliness, practical concerns or a sense of obligation to 'patch things up' since you have forgiven. If he meets the criteria above, you may be able to choose to trust again. If you do not trust, it is his job to rebuild the trust he has broken. Even if he never repents etc. you can forgive him (and should) but your forgiving him does not make him changed or safe enough to re-establish a household.
Oh. And get into a Church. Any Bible believing Church will do. You need it.
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RE: Spousal Abuse - 11/11/2008 10:58:03 AM
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Kat_D
Posts: 3037
Joined: 9/2/2005
From: Where We Shake, Rattle & Roll!
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You are both guilty of provoking each other to anger. The danger of engaging in that type of provocation was revealed in your husband's behavior...he took it to a level that can never be accepted. You and your husband need to get into counseling immediately.
_____________________________
~Kat
"...And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes...no more death, sorrow, nor crying."
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RE: Spousal Abuse - 11/11/2008 11:19:27 AM
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rcjames
Posts: 5771
Joined: 7/15/2005
From: Oklahoma
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Kat_D
You are both guilty of provoking each other to anger. The danger of engaging in that type of provocation was revealed in your husband's behavior...he took it to a level that can never be accepted. You and your husband need to get into counseling immediately.
Good advice, and I would add that both of them or at least one of them need to grow up.
Sniping back and forth will do nothing but lead to greater problems whether verbal or physical. One of them need to stop with the sarcastic and hurtful remarks.
The wife needs to talk to the husband if he is trying to talk to her about the situation. Her refusal to speak to him is just as or more inflamatory than snide and childish comments.
They need to be in Chruch and go to the Pastor for counselling.
Thanks
RC
_____________________________
Just a country Preacher's humble opinion
Read the first chapter of my latest book here;
http://www.deliveranceofsara.com
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RE: Spousal Abuse - 11/11/2008 1:01:42 PM
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Covaan_Meshuga
Posts: 3417
Joined: 6/8/2005
From: a mother who let me live
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quote:
The wife needs to talk to the husband if he is trying to talk to her about the situation. Her refusal to speak to him is just as or more inflamatory than snide and childish comments.
They need to be in Chruch and go to the Pastor for counselling.
There are times when the words simply will not form, because of something within the life. I horribly frustrated my first husband with my inability to communicate. I could not communicate. I did not know how to communicate, except on a light level -- a level of joviality or of things without consequence. It frustrated him beyond degree because I could not voice my opinion about anything from politics to where to go out for dinner. What he did not know was that I had no opinions. I had grown up not allowed to have opinions, and I had not yet learned to form any. I did not want to be that way, I hated it, but I did not know what to do about it.
I write this because who knows -- maybe that is why 4agape did not respond -- she couldn't. Maybe that part of her was damaged, too. We don't know.
In fact, 4agape, if you are looking for help, for suggestions, it would be a good thing for you to tell us why your plate is so full. Working outside the home as well? No break from the children? How many children? Is there a physical problem? Is he a messy who expects you to pick up after him? Just give us a little insight on this and on what he is doing that makes him think that he has no home-responsibilities. Perhaps he was reared in a home in which his father did nothing at home, so he doesn't know any better. Also, do you nag?
Have you ever heard of "Fly Lady"? She is on the internet with lots of suggestions for help with a messy home and about how to get others to help.
Have you considered making a list that is visible to both of you with the things that need to be done? Are you willing to do jobs around the house that were once seen as "men's jobs"? Do you know how? Are you willing to learn?
But bottom line: NO ONE Ever Has the Right to Lay Hands On Anyone! This needs attention -- immediately.
_____________________________
Abiyah
"Ladies and gentlemen, there are things that you will only be able to learn by the weakest among us, and when you snuff them out, you are the one that loses." ~~Gianna Jesson, 1977 LA, CA, saline abortion survivor
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RE: Spousal Abuse - 11/11/2008 1:10:21 PM
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doinkdom
Posts: 4316
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: The higher lowcountry
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Get someone else involved now. Counseling would be extremely recommended.
But get seomeone "in real life" involved now. Preferably another Christian brother and/or sister, a church body, etc.
Sounds like you both were walking right up to the door of abuse. Don't answer it, don't tolerate it, and don't deny it.
Get help now.
Please...
_____________________________
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RE: Spousal Abuse - 11/11/2008 2:05:17 PM
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Roberta_
Posts: 7418
Joined: 9/28/2007
From: East Bay Area
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quote:
ORIGINAL: doinkdom
Get someone else involved now. Counseling would be extremely recommended.
But get seomeone "in real life" involved now. Preferably another Christian brother and/or sister, a church body, etc.
Sounds like you both were walking right up to the door of abuse. Don't answer it, don't tolerate it, and don't deny it.
Get help now.
Please...
I agree!
_____________________________
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RE: Spousal Abuse - 11/11/2008 2:46:25 PM
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hjemerson
Posts: 247
Joined: 3/4/2008
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You can forget the getting to the door!! You were in the Door !!
In most 48 state you were in abused setting!!
Abuse can and does happen in just as many Christian homes as nonchristian homes I have worked with many abused men/women
Both public service and christian service,
GET HELP !! RUN !! if you have to go alone go together is better! Look in the phone book . make local call you are asking seeking help !!! Many thing may have to change may only a few things in you life have to change ,
PLEASE do not brush this under the rug as this won"t happen again ,
We can work thur this by are self. you Stated things have been change. (nick picking on each other over house,overwhembled is the question. etc )
before next time can happen(AND sad to say it will) Yes both were abusing in a verbal way but when you were touch it crossed the Line !
In this day and age were jobs and money and home life and church PRESSURE will Get to the stongerest!!!
Must seek God plan
Talk to each other
Writing your feeling down will help
Seek the NEEDED Help
before someone heards you or see something
and call the police,
Most of the advice you have here is good but
PLEASE I BEG you seek the needed help!
Every Community has support system if you need it
Chrisian and non christian .
PLEASE PLEASE
Now you know what you need to do ,
DO IT!
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RE: Spousal Abuse - 11/11/2008 5:59:25 PM
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4agape
Posts: 9
Joined: 5/6/2008
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I feel a big sense of guilt because I have am no longer the same person myself. I am guilty of instigating arguments and fights....just as he does.
I am humbled by the incident. I realize that the arguments do get carried away because of my remarks and I do tend to get in his face (not to fight) but to try and get him to listen...which does not work.
Its strange because I never thought we would have to deal with stuff like this. He sent me an email admitting his guilt and blaming me for pushing him to that point. I love him and I wish he could see how he is. Sure, I don't help the situation, but for sure I am going to change my approach. I should know...but anyways here are some scriptures he sent me to show me how I am wrong. I have no clue where to even start with them. He must really see me different than what I know of myself.
Proverbs 21:9
It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.
Ephesians 5:21-33
Submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ. (I’ve done this buy allowing you to be who you are. I don’t interfere with your hearts desires and wishes. You do as you please with mostly no complaints from me.) Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. (I told you to clean and you refused.)
Proverbs 27:15
A continual dripping on a rainy day and a quarrelsome wife are alike. (Is it any wonder that the bible compares a quarrelsome wife to a sound that can make you go crazy?)
Hebrews 13:17
Obey your leaders and submit to them, for they are keeping watch over your souls, as those who will have to give an account. Let them do this with joy and not with groaning, for that would be of no advantage to you. (What advantage is it to you to fight against me? Why do you battle with me? Submission is a hard thing to do but it is a command from God.)
Proverbs 21:19
It is better to live in a desert land than with a quarrelsome and fretful woman. (A desert land is hopeless: hot, no water, sweat, dry, unbearable!! Is it any wonder the bible uses such analogies?)
Proverbs 19:13
A foolish son is ruin to his father, and a wife's quarreling is a continual dripping of rain.
1 Peter 3:5-6
For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. (I’m not asking you to go rob a bank or steal some groceries. I’m just asking you to clean the house. And you say I’m making you a slave?)
1 Peter 3:1-2
Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct.
1 Timothy 5:1-2
Do not rebuke an older man but encourage him as you would a father, younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, younger women as sisters, in all purity.
Ephesians 5:24
Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.
Proverbs 31:10-31
An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life. She seeks wool and flax, and works with willing hands. She is like the ships of the merchant; she brings her food from afar. ... (IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO FIND A WIFE LIKE THIS THESE DAYS!)
For the most part, I can be annoying...but for the most part it is because he doesn't want to talk about anything. He always says it the wrong time or place. We rarely discuss and if we do, he will knod as if he is listening, but then returns to his same ways.
I honestly feel like he does not listen to me. He does not seek to understand me? I feel like he wants me to be his slave. We both work (him fulltime me partime) I just feel like I do everthing: bills, budgeting, cooking, school (he attends as well), cleaning, laundry (he does sometimes after arguing)
Here is another part of his email (the end):
I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO DO. YOU ARE GOING TO SEND ME SCRIPTURES ABOUT WHAT A HUSBAND SHOULD DO INSTEAD OF FIGURING OUT WHAT YOU CAN BE DOING DIFFERENTLY. I SAW ON THE COMPUTER YOU LOOKED UP “VERBAL ABUSE”. AS IF I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH VERBALLY ABUSING YOU WHEN YOU PUSHED ME OVER THE EDGE. PLEASE START LOOKING AT HOW YOU CAN CHANGE. IF THERE IS ONE THING FOR CERTAIN IT IS THIS: I HAVE CHANGED FOR THE BETTER OVER THE LAST TWO YEARS. I’VE MADE DRASTIC CHANGES. YOU HAVE CHANGED FOR THE WORST. WHY IS THAT?
He was right...I was going to try to show him scriptures that may help him see more clearly....but I dont think he is going to pay any attention to it after this comment. For the most part, I do feel that I need to look at how I react to a situation. There are some things I can change..and I am willing...
He has changed for the better over the past few years....a lot..he gave his life to Christ. How ever there still seems to be some anger. However, I am bad about reminding him who he acts like (father and brother) when he does something wrong.
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RE: Spousal Abuse - 11/11/2008 7:58:28 PM
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pbaribeault
Posts: 1097
Joined: 4/29/2005
Status: offline
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If you are going to try to go on living together with him, he needs to answer these questions, preferably with a counselor, pastor or trusted friend or two present. You should get into counseling in any case.
(1) "Have you sinned against me?"
(2) "What did you do? Do you believe it is abuse or not, and why?"
(3) "Do you believe it was morally wrong?"
(4) "When it happened, I know there were difficult circumstances. Do you, or do you not believe that any circumstance makes it right for you to do what you did?"
(5) "Do you have a plan that will prevent you from doing this again if circumstances are the same some other time?"
(6) "Do you want me to forgive you?"
(7) "Do you know how to treat me well before your Lord? Do you plan to find out? How?"
---
After that, you need to decide which side of the submission fence you are on. If you believe that the submission passages reveal God's order for family authority, and that they apply directly to your marriage today, then you need to struggle your way towards doing things however he tells you to without growing bitter and resentful. That's tough, but possible and it works for many families. In this case you will have to find a way to keep the house to his standards, with no fights and no requests for help.
However, there are Christians, myself included that believe that the submission passages tell wives how to deal with the secular authority structure that ran families in that day, but that it does not indicate that such an authority structure is His ideal or His desire for any time when the secular law did not make a husband the lord and master of his wife. I do not believe submission of wives is a command from God, except in the case when the law of the land had already put the husband in authority over her.
If you believe that, you need to let him know that while you plan on choosing to respect him, you do not believe that the Bible give him moral authority over you, and that you do not intend to submit to him in everything. If he wishes to be your leader, he should try to lead you well, not through bully tactics. When people submit to one another neither one tells the other what to do.
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After that, you need to clear your own conscience and confess your sins towards him... making your true repentance clear, but not taking responsibility for what he did "because you pushed him over the edge". He makes his own choices, even when he is angry. You might consider answering the same questions you are asking him.
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After that, you need some good time with God to begin to grow spiritual fruit, and some good time with relationship books and a counselor to begin to learn how a good and godly wife behaves in her marriage and how she treats her husband. You also need to pare down your responsibilities. Nobody can do all that well, so you can either do it all poorly or do some of it well. Decide which things can go, and start putting your relationship with your husband high on your list of priorities.
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If any of this goes badly, then he is in no shape to live with a wife without abusing her, and you need to be somewhere else while he has a chance to choose to come around if he wants to. While you are somewhere else you can work on the relationship together, go to counseling, develop your own godliness and relationship skills for if/when he is safe enough to reconcile with...
But once he has had a chance to answer your questions the decision needs to be made on that basis. If he is not completely repentant and broken, that's the end of the discussion. No pushing, no fighting, just moving out.
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RE: Spousal Abuse - 11/11/2008 10:26:22 PM
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GroupW
Posts: 2863
Joined: 11/16/2007
From: Up in the hills of Colorado (very BIG hills...)
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What she said ....
BT
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“For every problem, there is a solution that is simple, elegant and wrong.” -H.L. Mencken
"Most people would rather die than think; in fact, they do so." -Bertrand Russell
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RE: Spousal Abuse - 11/11/2008 11:15:44 PM
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hnt
Posts: 539
Joined: 4/11/2005
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That's not an apology. Far from it!
It amazes me each time someone tells another person that they MADE them do something. That's call denial.
He is a broken person - just as we all are, but we all have to face our brokeness...and his note clearly shows he doesn't wish to own something VERY serious one little bit!
You need to call the police if he lays his hands on you again. If you can't snap him out of denial - the police visit just may.
Please seek outside help. Submission doesn't mean I told you to clean the house and you didn't do it. 
Jesus speaks of leadership, and he speaks of servant leadership. The man has a wrong sense of what biblical leadership is. During his anger in your note from him - he is using it as a tool to get his way. God wouldn't wish people to use scripture in this fashion.
My prayers are with you both.
_____________________________
h
Emotional abuse and Faith
Reaching for IT!!!!!!
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RE: Spousal Abuse - 11/11/2008 11:17:08 PM
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hnt
Posts: 539
Joined: 4/11/2005
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I think part of the dicussion needs to include his laying hands on you. If he can't get past 'you made me do it' you may need to leave for a while.
That's just dangerous.
_____________________________
h
Emotional abuse and Faith
Reaching for IT!!!!!!
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RE: Spousal Abuse - 11/12/2008 10:02:20 AM
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coolfamily6
Posts: 338
Joined: 4/18/2005
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4agape, please get with your pastor and talk to him about this. Yes, you were wrong in provoking him to anger. His reply to you including the fact that he is checking behind you on the computer is a red flag. He has crossed a line.
_____________________________
If your bible is a mess; your life won't be.
~Encouragement a mom gave to our children at our First Grader's Bible Ceremony!
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RE: Spousal Abuse - 11/12/2008 10:50:46 AM
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pbaribeault
Posts: 1097
Joined: 4/29/2005
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He has crossed a lot of lines. He is living in sin, and he is habitually and unrepentantly sinning against his wife. Whatever 4agape might need to learn about not provoking, NOTHING justifies the behaviour of an abusive spouse.
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RE: Spousal Abuse - 11/12/2008 1:00:51 PM
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DeeAnnBailey
Posts: 2638
Joined: 3/23/2006
From: SC
Status: offline
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quote:
I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO DO. YOU ARE GOING TO SEND ME SCRIPTURES ABOUT WHAT A HUSBAND SHOULD DO INSTEAD OF FIGURING OUT WHAT YOU CAN BE DOING DIFFERENTLY. I SAW ON THE COMPUTER YOU LOOKED UP “VERBAL ABUSE”. AS IF I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH VERBALLY ABUSING YOU WHEN YOU PUSHED ME OVER THE EDGE. PLEASE START LOOKING AT HOW YOU CAN CHANGE. IF THERE IS ONE THING FOR CERTAIN IT IS THIS: I HAVE CHANGED FOR THE BETTER OVER THE LAST TWO YEARS. I’VE MADE DRASTIC CHANGES. YOU HAVE CHANGED FOR THE WORST. WHY IS THAT?
He was right...I was going to try to show him scriptures that may help him see more clearly....but I dont think he is going to pay any attention to it after this comment. For the most part, I do feel that I need to look at how I react to a situation. There are some things I can change..and I am willing...
He has changed for the better over the past few years....a lot..he gave his life to Christ. How ever there still seems to be some anger. However, I am bad about reminding him who he acts like (father and brother) when he does something wrong.
Ok, first he knows the scriptures will show he is wrong in what he did so he doesn't want to see that. Just as a sinner must come to God acknowledging their sins without trying to excuse them to be saved, he just accept the responsibility for what he did. He isn't doing that - you provoked him, you have changed for the worst, etc, means he thinks he is justified in what he did.
Please get out. God can fix this but your husband has to be willing to listen to the word. The word says that the husband is to love the wife as Christ loved the church - it is after that it talks about the wife being submissive. There is a reason for that. If the husband loves the wife that way, the wife is going to want to be submissive (and submissive doesn't mean to lay down and allow someone to bully you!).
I try not question anyone's salvation but I've just watched my daughter go through a situation where her husband 'gave his life to the Lord' but it was trully all to keep my daughter with him and to keep control. Once he thought she was buying it, he began to show his anger issues and abuse. Be very careful!!!
_____________________________
D. Ann Bailey
My Blog Dee's Delights and Delusions
<<<<<<The love of my life - precious Erin!
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RE: Spousal Abuse - 11/12/2008 3:20:36 PM
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phosadaud
Posts: 11092
Joined: 9/19/2005
From: Washington State
Status: offline
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One thing you will find among abusers is how craftily they blame their victims for the abuse. No matter WHAT you did, until he gets some serious counseling and accepts responsibility for his actions, you are not safe with this man. Please, please, please! Go talk with your local domestic violence advocate before you get pulled in so deep and the problems get so severe, you can't get out.
This is where domestic violence begins. It can end here - but only when he becomes a man and owns up to his responsibility as a husband - responsibilities that Scripture commands of him. It will only get harder for you both, the deeper this goes - and it will go deeper. This kind of stuff doesn't just stop. It progresses.
_____________________________
~Kristin~
Classified Ads: "Government employer looking for candidates. Criminal background required."
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RE: Spousal Abuse - 11/14/2008 12:10:35 PM
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seagullplayer
Posts: 117
Joined: 9/18/2007
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If you continue to be “between” Churches, you may soon find yourself “between” marriages…
Go see the movie Fireproof, now.
_____________________________
The world has only one problem, sin.
There is only one solution, Jesus.
THE WAY.
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RE: Spousal Abuse - 11/14/2008 3:07:58 PM
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all.consuming.fire
Posts: 181
Joined: 11/12/2008
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First I just want to sympathize with you and say how sorry I am that you had to go through this. I have never been in your shoes or in a situation like this one. Heck I am not even married, but just wanted to let you know that I will pray for you and your husband. Please know He is with you and will see you through this if you let Him whatever the final outcome will be. You will be in my prayers. =)
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RE: Spousal Abuse - 11/14/2008 7:25:33 PM
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armydude
Posts: 17249
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: NC
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Moving from Ministry Leaders to Marriage.
Please do not reply to this message within the Community.
Please do not send me PMs regarding this message as I am unable to discuss it further.
Please email Community@salemwebnetwork.com with questions, comments, or concerns. Please allow time for a response.
_____________________________
May all of your troubles last no longer than your New Year's Resolutions!
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RE: Spousal Abuse - 11/14/2008 8:00:38 PM
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csl7037
Posts: 2060
Joined: 3/24/2008
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: coolfamily6
4agape, please get with your pastor and talk to him about this. Yes, you were wrong in provoking him to anger. His reply to you including the fact that he is checking behind you on the computer is a red flag. He has crossed a line.
I agree with Traci and with the other posts above. This sounds like a MESS. There's never one innocent party and one guilty party in any marital problem - but he's the one who crossed into danger and his email "apology" doesn't sound to me like he "gets it" at all - which tells me this is still a dangerous situation. I think there's a lot both of you are probably not seeing. I see a lot of pain and frustration and hurt in his email and that doesn't excuse anything. But for anything to change, you'll both need to recognize what's really going on and figure out what you're both doing to create and exacerbate the situation.
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RE: Spousal Abuse - 11/14/2008 10:31:21 PM
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AbbyGrace
Posts: 660
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: 4agape
I really need spiritual guidance right now. My husband and I are between churches and are currently having problems. I was shocked the other day because we were having a disagreement on me "keeping up with the house" and maintaining all of my other responsibilities.
For some reason, he starts to call me names that are childish in a way. I have to admit, I use to never call him names, but now I do say stuff (childish) to get back at him. In the heat of the moment, it is hard to control it. Well, after I responded back to him with an ugly comment (just as he calls me), he runs up to me and grabs ME like a man would another man. Then of course, he began to call me more obsene names.
He has never laid his hands on me before, but that day I am afraid that he is not too far from doing so. Its strange because he use to never respond the way he does. I know he has an anger problem, but he refuses to see it. It seems like he is getting worse over the past 7 years.
On some occasions, we get into arguements and when we do they rarely get heated the way this one did and It was over something stupid.
I just need help in the house and he thinks I am not doing enough when my plate is already full. Its hard to get him to see how he needs to help me. When I ask, it rarely get accomplished unless I ask over and over. For some reason he doesnt see this either.
I pray for him, we pray together, we both love the Lord, but when moments like this come up it consumes our relationship. I know I am just as guilty as he is because I allow it to get to me. I raise my voice because he raises his and.....
I haven't spoke with him about it. The day it happened I was so shocked. I felt weird even speaking with him. He told me he was sorry for "what he said". He also stated that we needed to sit down and write out what I did wrong and what he did wrong. It never happened because of my inability to speak with him. WHAT AM I TO DO? I haven' t been speaking with him and for the most part...he is really good at trying to make small talk about things, but for some reason I feel weird talking to him. WHAT DO I DO? I have been praying, and praying....
HOW DO I APPROACH THE SITUATION? PLEASE, SOMEONE WITH SOUND ADVICE. I NEED IT.
I believe with all my heart, that if you and him do not get Christian Counseling, you are headed for a divorce. I'm saying this because it just happened to me. Everything you just explained in your post, is something that I can relate too, so I'm not advising you out of what I feel, I'm telling you because I know. I was married to a man, who had an anger problem and toward the end of our marriage, he began to get a little out of hand, never hitting me, but to the point of trying to frighten me, and that made me furious. To make a long story short, I sent an email to the preacher explaining the situation, and asking for prayer. My ex did not want counseling, but I did, and the ned result was....we didn't get the counseling we needed. So, I'm telling you, if you love this man and he loves you, please get counseling. Sometimes we have to truly humble ourselves and reach out to someone for these reasons, and they are there to help us. My end result was a divorce, and it's been very hard, so do everything you possibly can to save this marriage. God will see you through.
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Hebrews 12:14 "Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord." 
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RE: Spousal Abuse - 11/14/2008 10:57:43 PM
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hnt
Posts: 539
Joined: 4/11/2005
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: csl7037
quote:
ORIGINAL: coolfamily6
4agape, please get with your pastor and talk to him about this. Yes, you were wrong in provoking him to anger. His reply to you including the fact that he is checking behind you on the computer is a red flag. He has crossed a line.
I agree with Traci and with the other posts above. This sounds like a MESS. There's never one innocent party and one guilty party in any marital problem - but he's the one who crossed into danger and his email "apology" doesn't sound to me like he "gets it" at all - which tells me this is still a dangerous situation. I think there's a lot both of you are probably not seeing. I see a lot of pain and frustration and hurt in his email and that doesn't excuse anything. But for anything to change, you'll both need to recognize what's really going on and figure out what you're both doing to create and exacerbate the situation.
I don't agree that she 'provoked' him to anger. I see that she got sassy back, but if anyone provoked it was him. Nasty name calling came first....and wasn't her. That was him - and she came second.
That part I don't agree with.
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h
Emotional abuse and Faith
Reaching for IT!!!!!!
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