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RE: Mrs Ed's blog - 12/27/2005 5:04:41 AM
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forgiven4ever
Posts: 303
Joined: 4/12/2005
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I started day shift on the 19th and I had SUCH a busy week. I had forgotten how physically exhausting that shift is! I surely won't go to sleep on THAT shift. The week went so quickly. Between that, and preparing for Christmas I was busy as a bee.
I can see subtle changes in Ed. He began driving about two weeks ago. At first, he only drove very short distances; with me or Becky in the car. Last week, he decided to test himself and drive to the next town, by himself. Yesterday when we went to drop off Kyi to his grandpas for a week-long visit, he drove the whole 2-hour trip! Both ways. I am so glad for him. He is still frustrated that he needs so much pain medicine, and that he still has weakness in his right arm and shoulder. But he is getting well. He has also lost weight. If only I could!
This week is a weird schedule for me. Today I started at 3am and will go til 3pm. I do the same tomorrow and then I won't be on til Friday nite. I will work three nite shifts in a row because the only fulltime nurse left on nites is on vacation.
Christmas was wonderful. We went to Tina's house and had a nice dinner. Kyi loved his presents. I got a foot soaker/massager and a new pillow. I also got a Christian writer's guide so I can begin submitting things to magazines, etc.
I got a new sleeping pill last week but it seems I am allergic to it! SO I am back to my old meds. Tonight when I get home after a 12-hour shift I don't think I will have any problems with sleeping. I already cooked some fish for our dinner tonight, and will make a bean soup in the crockpot for dinner on Wednesday and Thursday. I truly want to lose weight, but I seem to be back to my old bad habits of overeating. Please pray that God will help me change these destructive patterns. I don't need to gain back all my old weight. I see the blessings that God has given me, so I need to stop feeling like I need to feed myself.
I am hoping to clean Kyi's room on my two days off. I want to rearrange it, too so he will have more room
God bless you all!
_____________________________
I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth! Psalm 34:1
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RE: Mrs Ed's blog - 1/9/2006 9:50:16 PM
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forgiven4ever
Posts: 303
Joined: 4/12/2005
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Alot of changes since my last post and some are good.
Seeing myself in the plate glass window of a store, while dropping off Kyi on Dec 26 was the last straw. I started my food program again on the 28th and it is going well so far. I lost 14 pounds in the first week! With God's help, I am doing well with the plan and feel as though my prayers were answered.
New Years' Eve was spent working night shift, so I was taking report when the New Year came in. My friends knocked on the door of the report room to let me know.... I was too busy to come out then but later joined them in a little party. The food I ate at the party was planned and I stayed on the diet that night, too!
We took Christina down to Virginia to her new home. We found out just three days before the move that she expected all her furniture and belongings to fit into Ed's SUV but hadn't taken into account that WE actually had to ride in it, too! 
So... we ended up renting a Uhaul and we drove down there.
The home she will live in is nice, and it is in a beautiful area. The family seems nice, too (we met them at dinner last Friday night) She seems happy there and I pray she will be. Saturday, we played tourist and rode a trolley around some historic areas. We went to a Civil War museum, and took Kyi and the little girl who Christina will care for to a fun park. Sunday we went to a great church down there, and then went home (after a wonderful lunch at Olive Garden which was on my food plan!  )
As sad as I am about Christina leaving, it is Kyi who has really been hit the hardest. He began feeling "sick to his stomach" last Thursday, and by Friday (the day we left) he said his leg hurt so bad that he couldn't walk. I looked at it, and couldn't see anything wrong. I gave him a little Children's Tylenol just in case, and we just got in the car and went there. He clung to me desperately whenever we stopped, and he had to walk. He drove me crazy with overacting but we tried to pay as little attention as possible.
Saturday we knew he really wanted to go to the Fun park. We tried telling him he couldn't go if his leg didn't "feel better" .... nothing really worked. So we finally talked to him about what we knew was really wrong... he didn't want Christina to go. She has been like a second "mom" to him; watching him many days when I was at work. He has had a separation anxiety ever since his mom died, and this has really hit him hard.
I explained to Kyi that sometimes, when we are sad, those feelings can come out as physical pain. I asked him to make a decision to get well. He began slowly to start walking again, though stiffly. Saturday night at the fun park, whenever he didn't think we were looking, he was jumping and running just like any kid.
His appetite remained poor through the weekend, and then this morning he said he was too sick to go to school. Suddenly, his back and neck were sore. (The same symptoms as Ed was experiencing because of helping drive the trailer for the move) Ed couldn't lift Kyi, and I was already at work, so the only choice was to let him stay home. Ed told him he couldn't watch TV or play Gameboy or with any of his techno toys. He just moped around all day. By after lunch, Ed was fed up because Kyi still said he couldn't walk. He had to go to the bathroom yet said he couldn't walk... Ed wanted to call the ambulance to scare Kyi .... I thought that was too much to do to scare him. So I suggested that Ed tell Kyi that if he didn't get up to pee, that I would put in a catheter when I got home! That did it! He was out of bed and in the bathroom in 5 minutes!
I talked to him again tonight and prayed with him. I don't know what else to do. I told him right out that we don't think he is really hurt, and that he needs to make a decision to go to school and to get well. Both Ed and I have written emails to his teacher, so she knows what is going on. I pray he does go to school, tomorrow. Ed is very angry and isn't very patient. He understands Kyi's feelings, but says he needs to get over them and suck it up. I do agree, but am slightly more patient with him. Ed's view comes from having spent his childhood in REAL pain; he doesn't understand a child who pretends to be in pain. Also, I think he is worried. He can't lift Kyi if something is really wrong with him.
I ask all of you who read this to pray for Kyi. That God will help him with his feelings, and to help him have the courage to keep his promise to me (that he will go to school tomorrow). To help Ed have patience and wisdom, and me to have wisdom and compassion and patience. And that Christina will be safe.
I praise God for all His blessings.
_____________________________
I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth! Psalm 34:1
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RE: Mrs Ed's blog - 1/10/2006 11:01:31 PM
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forgiven4ever
Posts: 303
Joined: 4/12/2005
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Today Kyi got out to the kitchen and ate his breakfast, but missed the bus because his legs suddenly hurt again and he couldn't walk fast enough. Ed got him to get into the van and drove him to school. His teacher met us there. He clung to the walls for most of the day but got through school. At the end of the day, the school counselor saw him.
She couldn't tell us anything new. To him, the pain is so real that he can't walk without severe pain.
I took him to the doctor. I just had to be sure that he didn't have anything physical. The doctor said he had a slight fever (from not eating or drinking much for four days) but was otherwise OK. So he wrote a prescription for an antidepressant. He is to the point where he is crawling around the house.
The counselor says to get him to his "real" counselor ASAP. After my meeting tomorrow, which I cannot miss, I will reschedule his appointment for as soon as I can. I will change any of my own appointments to help him. His regular teacher, who understands the situation, will be absent tomorrow so I am keeping him home again. There is no point in sending him to school if the teacher doesn't understand
I must say his teacher, the doctor and the counselor have been great. They are very patient and understanding with him. I am doing my best to be patient, but I did make him eat dinner and get to his room on his own. He took an hour to do those things, and I rewarded him with ice cream. I am at my wit's end and ask God for wisdom many times in the day. Today at work a Christian coworker prayed with me. It was so kind that I burst into tears. It made me realize that I have feelings of my own about Christina leaving, and I can't say them because of Kyi.
Tomorrow I will take him with me to all my other appointments.... I am trusting God to help me know what to do and that Ed will be patient. Ed was very quiet tonight, but I can tell he thinks I am coddling Kyi and being too lenient. He just doesn't understand. I don't pretend to understand but I can imagine....
Please continue to pray for him
God bless you all
_____________________________
I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth! Psalm 34:1
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RE: Mrs Ed's blog - 1/13/2006 5:47:19 AM
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forgiven4ever
Posts: 303
Joined: 4/12/2005
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Praise God... Kyi is better.
He was actually worse on Wednesday. He said he couldn't walk. He still wouldn't eat and so I brought him water and carried him to the bathroom. A few times he would ask for something else (like ice in the water, or to watch TV) but we told him he would have to come get it.
He had in his mind the doctor's words that his new medicine (the anti-depressant) would work in "24 to 48 hours" so he said it hadn't worked yet. I gave him some Benadryl to help him sleep (he hadn't slept at all on Tuesday nite) and went to my meeting. I bet it's no surprise that I couldn't concentrate.
That afternoon I was at the church for the new member class and told the pastor what is going on. So, he came over and prayed with Kyi.
Yesterday morning he woke up. He drank a whole glass of Gatorade! Woohoo! And told me "today is the day that the pill will work." About 2 hours later he got up and walked. He gave himself a bath and ended up having about 2 quarts of Gatorade. Unfortunately, that plus a little milk is all he has taken, so I am still watchful but we have definitely turned the corner with God's help. I had written emails to everyone I know and they were all praying.
I told him that if he goes to school today, I will let him spend the weekend with his best friend (who lives about 2 hours away). The friend's mom and I have been friends since childhood and she is wise and compassionate. She knows about the situation. I think he really WILL go to school, and I pray he will eat again today. He will continue to take his "sadness medication" and see our doctor again next week.
I am thankful to God for this healing... for it was healing of his spirit.
I am also thankful to God that, during the two weeks He has granted me the gift of being able to follow the food plan, I have lost 18 pounds! That is awesome and I am grateful!
Thanks to all of you who prayed.
God bless you all
_____________________________
I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth! Psalm 34:1
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RE: Mrs Ed's blog - 1/18/2006 10:22:46 PM
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forgiven4ever
Posts: 303
Joined: 4/12/2005
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Kyi did go to school last Friday, and he got to spend the weekend with his best friend. He had fun, but was still walking slowly and stiffly when he came home. His friend's mom said he was having bad dreams and crying at night. He is still not eating very much... just a few bagel pizzas and Eggo waffles for breakfast. Most of his calories come from Garorade.
He was off school Monday so he was still at his friend's house. Tuesday he just couldn't get up for school, and I didn't really push it. He was crawling again, and didn't eat much. But we talked and prayed. I took him to the doctor again (he wants to see him once a week to be sure he isn't getting too dehydrated) and he still has a fever but he only lost one pound. Today I am thankful to say he went to school, and I met with his teacher and guidance counselor to make a plan to make up his missed schoolwork. They truly seem to care about Kyi, and they want to help him. The counselor is giving me the number for a hospice group which has a grief group for children. He isn't doing much schoolwork, and of course he isn't eating at school. So we talked about what he would eat... for this week I have agreed to buy the small Lunchables... I think he will eat one of those.
This is very hard.... we got back the pictures from the trip and Christina looks so happy with her "new family." I know she is doing what is right for her, but it's so hard to be here dealing with this challenge. I know God can get us through this. I appreciate your prayers for this. I want to help him to get well, and to become the man that God is calling him to become.
Ed went to his doctor today, and it looks like he will go back to work in early March. I am so glad for him, because he wants to contribute to the family again. He just doesn't feel right if he isn't working. The doctor switched around some of his medications, and he is sending him to therapy to work out some of his continuing problems. I pray that God will help me be the best wife that I can be.
Work has been challenging this week. For some reason, I have ended up with several patients who have major attitude problems. One man was downright rude to me this morning, and a patient's mom called the patient representative because I wouldn't come out of another patient's room "right away" to fluff her daughter's pillow. I was in an isolation gown, at the time, giving a tube feeding... and she got mad because I wouldn't immediately stop that, to fluff pillows. That's the kind of people I am dealing with, this week, and with what's going on at home... never knowing what Kyi or Ed will be dealing with, I just feel super-challenged.
But I believe God doesn't let us get into situations that we can't grow from. "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me" is something I cling to. He is faithful... He can turn this into a victory. I know it. I have to keep serving... keep looking to HIm... keep seeking His will and if I do, then.... in HIS time... there will be the victory... and I will give Him the glory.
Please pray for my precious boy. I love him so much... this breaks my heart sometimes... I have to let God heal him... and I have to ask Him for wisdom so I don't make the situation worse.
_____________________________
I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth! Psalm 34:1
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RE: Mrs Ed's blog - 1/24/2006 4:42:54 PM
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forgiven4ever
Posts: 303
Joined: 4/12/2005
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Kyi went to school today.  He didn't make it yesterday, and that was disappointing, because he had an amazingly "normal" weekend with his grandpas. We definitely have to ask God to take control of this, and to lead us one day at a time.
Ed's benefits and medical leave have run out, so he is officially unemployed. Since he isn't yet able to work, he is currently on half-pay, and has lost his own benefits. I am thankful that we thought to put him on mine, when I signed up. So he is covered, and for the six remaining weeks that it will take him to qualify for permanant disability, we will be OK on half his pay.
He is devastated by this. Because of being hospitalized for much of his childhood and teen years, he vowed that he would never let his disability limit his ability to be independent. And now it looks as though he has to totally depend on God to provide for us; without knowing if or when he will be completely healed. Ed feels like a man should provide for his family. It has never bothered him; that I make more money than him. But to make so little... and to have to accept my benefits... he feels like less than a man. I am trying to reassure him, and show him how much I love and respect him. I am doing all I can to continue to let him know he is still the head of the household.
We had a really bad fight yesterday. I am a very bad housekeeper, and it never seemed to bother him. It bothers me, especially now that I am responsible for doing almost all the housework because of his disability. I can't keep up with it, and the apartment looks like a disaster area most days. This is embarassing, but I just try to ignore it and do the best I can. Yesterday, our next-door neighbor came over and cleaned my kitchen. She washed the dishes, organized my shelves, and straightened off the kitchen table. I was SO angry. Don't ask me to explain that. You would think I would be happy... I can't keep up and I wish it were done. But to have another woman do my housework????
I guess I am sort of jealous of Ed's friendship with her. She is about 20 years older than us, so I don't think he is having an affair. But he spends most of his free time with her, and shares more interests with her than with me. She is the one who walks Kyi to school most mornings. So ... in a way, it is as if she is taking over my home. All the things that a wife/mom is "supposed" to do - those are the things she is doing (except for physical intimacy, of course)
I don't know why it got me so angry. I had even suggested to Ed that we should get a maid once a month. Instead of that expense, why do I object to a friendly neighbor coming over and doing what that maid would do?
I don't know. But we fought quite loudly about it and Ed slammed the door and went in our room for an hour. But when he came out, we made up and clung to each other. And we spent the day together, today... talking about many of the things that are going on in our life. It was a good day, and I thank God for it.
Please continue to pray for Kyi, and for Ed.
God bless you all!
_____________________________
I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth! Psalm 34:1
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RE: Mrs Ed's blog - 2/10/2006 11:22:25 AM
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forgiven4ever
Posts: 303
Joined: 4/12/2005
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Wow I haven't written in awhile.
Kyi has good days and bad days. He is now seeing the counselor once a week, and he has been referred to a psychiatrist. I am trying my best to be supportive. He is eating poorly, but has improved. He hasn't lost any weight. He only missed one day of school this week. I am thankful but I am in prayer for my precious boy every day.
Christina seems fine and happy. She has to go to NJ next week, for a traffic ticket which is several months old. She actually expects to beat it and I am betting she gets the fine plus court costs. Well, it is her decision. She really enjoys taking care of the baby and seems fine.
Ed fights with pain every day and has unfortunately been told that he will not be able to go to work any time soon. So... he has run out of benefits and sick days so he is receiving no salary and had to switch to my benefits. He will become eligible to get long-term disability as of mid-March. He had a brief period of chest pain last week, and went to the hospital for a few days but they said his heart is not further damaged. So, his problems are probably nerve problems and will be handled by the nerve doc.
Kyi is going to his grandpas' house next weekend for a 3-day visit cuz he has extra days off for Prez day. So... me and hubby are taking advantage of an ad we saw in the local paper for a Valentine Day package at the local bed & breakfast. We get dinner, entertainment and breakfast all included. There is a whirlpool in the room, and it is very old and romantic place! I am so glad...we really needed something like this.... we deserve it.
For any of you who are following my weight loss progress, I have now lost 22 pounds since Dec 28, and my clothes are definitely too big for me! I am buying myself a new dress for our weekend.
Guess that's all for now. I consider myself very blessed
God bless you all!
_____________________________
I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth! Psalm 34:1
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RE: Mrs Ed's blog - 2/12/2006 2:39:24 PM
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forgiven4ever
Posts: 303
Joined: 4/12/2005
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Hi all
Kyi had one of his bad days yesterday. He didn't get out of bed the entire day until 4pm. I've heard of "sleeping in" but that is just too much! So our plans to visit the museum were cancelled. I prayed for him and my instincts told me to leave him be. He told me nothing is bothering him so I did, and he got up and ate a waffle and two hot dogs at dinner. Today is somewhat better. Though he is stiff, he was up eating breakfast at 8am and has already watched a couple hours of Olympics on TV. I reminded him that this week at school is only 3 and 1/2 days so I am encouraging him to do it.
We have some snow here (like most on the East Coast) so it wasn't much fun getting to work last night. But it's my weekend to work so... like it or not, I was off to work at 10pm and again will go in tonite. But then I don't have any nites for over a week so I shouldn't complain. I really dislike the night shifts so much more, now that I have had a taste of day shift. I am looking forward to next month, when I take a course that may enable me to work in another unit. I hope I can switch, but I will let the Lord lead me unless something happens to seriously change my mind. Some of the people on day shift have warmed up to me and it is a bit easier to work with, but some of them continue to give me the cold shoulder - two full months after my transfer. 
Ed and I are really looking forward to next weekend. It seems so extravagant, but Ed says we are worth it. Between all the stressors of trying to live together, and dealing with Christina's move and Kyi's emotional problems, we need to just get away (even though the place is less than 5 miles from our home) and be romantic. Because of Ed's heart problems, we can't turn the water very hot in the whirlpool, or keep the jets going very long. We basically use it like a big bathtub, and just relax and enjoy our closeness...
Well, I better change the subject before this gets to be TMI. 
Church got called off today, because of the snow. I was sad, but then I realized I could sleep a few hours more. So I did!
God is good... all the time. God bless you all!
_____________________________
I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth! Psalm 34:1
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RE: Mrs Ed's blog - 2/20/2006 5:56:52 AM
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forgiven4ever
Posts: 303
Joined: 4/12/2005
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Hello all
We had our weekend, but it went way too fast. And romance for me is more of a wish than a reality these days. I was a bit worried about Ed, and whether it was advisable for him to go on a "romantic" weekend in his condition. But I really wanted time to connect, and I do love to get away, even if it is such a short distance.
But the little adventure was more like a comedy of errors. The room was amazing and beautiful. The bed was as big as the state of Texas (OK, I'm exaggerating) and the jacuzzi was right next to it, so we were both happy as soon as we saw it. But as soon as we took our coats off, we realized that it was FREEZING in there! So instead of sitting on the couch and getting romantic, we hopped in the bed with all our clothes on, and yanked all the extra blankets in there with us. We couldn't concentrate on anything but the frigid cold for the next hour, so we watched a bit of the Olympics and held hands while we snuggled. The next thing either of us knew, it was 6am! BOTH of us had gone to sleep with the TV on! Well, we laughed and made the best of the morning together, but I think it's so funny that we paid all that money for a romantic night and then both fell asleep! I feel like I'm getting old!
The breakfast there was great, and I found many healthy choices, so I stayed on my diet and am doing well (almost 30 pounds gone, now! Thanks be to God!) and then went to church, came home and caught up on my email.
This afternoon after work I go and get Kyi and then back to real life in earnest.
Yesterday in church the pastor was preaching on marriage (he is doing a series; this is the third episode) and talked about the husband's role. I saw Ed was challenged by the description in Ephesians and on the way home I told him he is a wonderful husband. I told him how much he encourages me in my own walk with God, and how blessed I feel to be married to him. Although I wish I hadn't been married before, I was... so I am able to compare the experiences. They are night and day. Even the problems I have with Ed are of a different quality. I am not miserable all the time, like I used to be. I see that Ed is striving to be the man God has called him to be, and it shows in everything he does.
A final note: please pray for my stepdaughter, Becky. She broke up with her boyfriend, and it wasn't friendly and she is grieving terribly. She knows it was the right thing to do, but she is very hurt by their final days together and I would like prayers that God will comfort her and sustain her during this time.
When I was over at her house on Saturday I got to see a picture of Ed's first wedding. He was about 30 years younger... and I would never have known him! He looks like a different man... it is before the disease and years changed the appearance of his spine, for one thing, and I can totally see the resemblance to his son for the first time. It was very amusing to see him at that age, but now he wants to see MY first wedding pictures (also 30 years old). We have to go to NC to see those (they are with my mom) so he will have to wait til April, when we take our planned visit to see mom.
God bless you all!
_____________________________
I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth! Psalm 34:1
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RE: Mrs Ed's blog - 3/8/2006 3:46:50 PM
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forgiven4ever
Posts: 303
Joined: 4/12/2005
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Wow! Two of my fellow posters in the Bodicelli thread reminded me I haven't posted here in awhile. I have been so busy, but I want to take a few minutes to update.
The best news is that Kyi is much better. He is improving, and I am beginning to see that he may soon return to the precious little boy that he was before he began this episode of grieving. This is definitely a praise to God. I am glad he is healing and growing closer to God. It is so wonderful to hear him talk about his faith in God; children are so pure in their faith.
Ed's pain is getting him down. He has not improved, and feels so weak. It is so hard for me to see him suffer, and not to be able to do anything to help him. On the other hand, he is using this opportunity when he is stuck home on disability to read about how to help your children learn more about the Lord. He has asked that we resume family devotions, and he is really working on his relationship with Kyi. It was such a blessing, for example, to see them playing chess the other night. And he has asked Kyi to come with him and his own son to a Men's and Boy's breakfast in April.
This is such a blessing to me. To see him strive to become the man of God that he believes he is called to be. Despite his disability he is so strong in the Lord. I just love him so much more each day. Although the illness makes it difficult for him to physically express his feelings for me (hugging or cuddling hurts his back, so we seldom do that) I can see his love in everything he does. And the way he is caring for Kyi... that ALONE would make me love him, if I didn't already.
I have been feeling very stressed. Work is still pretty discouraging, and last week the stress finally caved me in and I passed out at work. I was in a patient's room and another nurse had to take me to the ER! It was a frightening and humbling experience, but thank God it isn't my heart. It is a condition that they think can be controlled with medication. And though the medication makes me tired, it is better than passing out.
God has really been working on my heart about being a better wife and becoming the woman God has called me to be. I have decided to go on a Women's conference in April. It looks like my stepdaughter Becky will go with me, but if not I will room with one of the ladies at my church.
That's all for now... I am taking a class tomorrow and Friday to explore a different department in the hospital and I am hoping it may lead to a transfer to that dept. One day at a time, with God's help and so many blessings
God bless you all!
_____________________________
I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth! Psalm 34:1
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RE: Mrs Ed's blog - 3/11/2006 9:16:14 AM
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forgiven4ever
Posts: 303
Joined: 4/12/2005
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I am in a "blue funk". 
Don't know if it's hormones, or the devil, or just middle aged depression but I have been overwhelmingly sad since Thursday. I'm not entirely sure why though in this post I am going to make a stab at it.
The class that I took was about a certain type of nursing that I thought I would like and be good at. I hoped that by the end of the two-day course, I'd not only know for sure if I wanted to transfer to that department, but also I guess I hoped that there would be some magic revelation that there is a job available there. In my fantasy, they'd desperately want me in that dept; I'd transfer there, and get away from all the nasty junk in my dept. 
But God didn't work that way.
The class was very interesting. It taught me things that I didn't even know that existed, let alone that I needed or wanted to know them. So it was worth it. And it was also worth it from the standpoint that I got to know someone, on my floor, who has been particularly evil to me. She is an extremely negative and critical person, and I avoid her whenever I can. Well, she was at the conference with me and sat in my row and went to lunch with me and my friends. And though I can't say that she is my new best friend, I can definitely say I know her better now, as a person. And some of the things I learned surprised me and made me see her in a different way. 
But I feel very let down. I was so hoping this class would help me find a solution to the difficulties that I am facing at work. And it didn't. I feel very strongly that I need to change. To transfer to another department, or to leave and go to another company (IF I could find one that would give me insurance on Day One) But it didn't do that so I am pretty sure that is why I am so sad. To be feeling so let down. 
I did something very crazy. I applied for a job that is available, within the hospital. My girlfriends encouraged me to do it. I am qualified for the job, but didn't - and don't - really think I have a chance in heck to get it. I am sure that others with more experience have applied for it.
The thing is: I would have to work, every day, side by side, with the person who I just described above. The person who has been so "evil" to me. And though I thought previously about applying, because I think I would enjoy the tasks of the job, I stopped myself by saying that 1) 20 other people with more seniority want this job so why bother? and 2) do you really want to work with ____ every day? But getting to see her in a different light made me think twice about my second excuse so my girlfriends dared me and I did it. I will let you know if I hear anything.
I also think that my hospitalization last week has made me "face my mortality". I am 51 years old. My youngest child is 9. I feel very fatalistic; as though I am on the downward spiral. Talk about pessimistic! Even reading that last sentence makes me laugh at my own absurdity but it is how I feel. I feel as though I have accomplished so little with these 51 years, yet am stuck in a rut with what my options are for the next 51 years (or however much time God gives me). 
It doesn't help that I've just read two very depressing books (about suicide, of all things! Who knows why I even got them out of the library? I am definitely NOT suicidal!) And it doesn't help that poor Ed is absolutely miserable these days... no relief from pain and he has the flu on top of it. And it doesn't help that we somehow overdrew our checking account and now I have to write a "rubber" check to get us groceries until next Friday's paycheck. 
Gosh, should I invite a crowd to this Pity Party? I feel like now is the time when I need to count my blessings. And I am blessed. No denying it. And yet I am also so sad. I had been doing really well with my food, but since Thursday's blues I am again eating too much.
If I let God, I know He will transform my life so that I can see or at least believe in the hope of whatever He is calling me to. I do have so many blessings... just can't see them today. 
For the practical: today I am going to try to rest. I must go to work tonite. My weekends at work are night shift, still. And tomorrow I am going to look at a Sunday newspaper and see if any of the jobs appeal to me. And we will see. A friend of mine in a 12-step Program tells me that when you get to the place where you don't know what God wants you to do, just ask Him to lead you. And then you do the "next right thing." Pray about what that is. And do it. For now; for today, that thing is to go to the grocery store (I don't want to write a rubber check, but we gotta eat!) , and then do my laundry. After that, I will ask Him for more direction. 
Thanks in advance for all your prayers. I do appreciate them, and your comments.
God bless you all 
PS aren't these smileys fun? I feel somewhat better already!
< Message edited by forgiven4ever -- 3/11/2006 11:43:23 AM >
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I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth! Psalm 34:1
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RE: Mrs Ed's blog - 3/16/2006 5:38:41 AM
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forgiven4ever
Posts: 303
Joined: 4/12/2005
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Hello All!
I am feeling much better, though today I woke up with a terrible sore throat. The changes in the weather play havoc with my throat every year.
Last Saturday I got up and walked about two miles in the beautiful sunshine, with Kyi. This was such a blessing, and seeing him walk that far is a real miracle. He didn't hesitate or drag behind, and that is God's hand on him! He is still not eating as much as I want him to, but with drinking Pediasure every day and trying to build him up, I think he is getting better each day.
And I thank God!
I didn't see very many jobs in Sunday's paper, but I had already seen two jobs that I wanted to apply for. And I did! I sent my resume to two other places, and on Monday one of them called me. This place is about a 10-minute walk from my apartment (so on nice days, I can walk!) and I know someone who is a patient there. I know from the patient that this is a quality place. My only concern is the insurance. If their company policy is that I would have to wait three months, and they won't bend it, I just can't take the job. Ed can't be without insurance for very long, so I have to consider that.
My new manager (who is very nice) approached me about the job I applied for within the hospital. I have thought about this one, and I realize that it isn't for me. Although I could do the tasks of the job very well, it wouldn't work. It might even make me more miserable. Because the two main reasons I want to transfer would suddenly be made worse! So I turned it down. But I did admit to my manager that I am applying for another job.
Poor Ed is the same. His pain is almost constant, and he is made so weak by it. I pray for him daily - probably not enough. I pray that God will comfort him, because his body can't comfort him.
I am going for an interview after work, at the place that is near where I live. I want God's Will for my life. If this is where He wants me to go, then I believe He can and will work out the insurance problems!
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I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth! Psalm 34:1
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RE: Mrs Ed's blog - 3/19/2006 12:55:58 AM
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forgiven4ever
Posts: 303
Joined: 4/12/2005
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I loved the job. I could see myself doing it, and I got excited to think about the opportunities. And about the chance to "start over".
But I found myself thinking, as I was driving there, "do I really think my present job is THAT bad?"
And that is so strange for me, because since at least December I have been whining to anyone who would listen; how evil these other nurses are, to me. How they don't respect me and how I am tired of not being treated as a team member.
But as I rode to the interview, I realized that something had happened to my attitude about the job, during the last week. It is acceptance. It is the ability to "endure"; to stand above the unfair treatment and the ignorance of some of my colleagues. Plus it doesn't hurt that we have a brand new manager, and she is a sweetie pie. I would really like to see if she can make a difference. If anyone can, she can.
And even though I can definitely see myself doing this job, and the people were fantastic there, I also have another stumbling block. The insurance. Just as I suspected, there would be a month to wait for the insurance to kick in. When I hesitatingly mentioned that to Ed, he was a sweetie and didn't immediately say "no way". But he said it would be a hard thing to endure. A month without insurance... and, the way the plan works, after the month there would be more time without it, as there is a large deductible!
In the end, we agreed to pray about it.
And no matter how much I want it, I kept coming back to my feeling that God has given me the ability to endure and to accept the way my current job is, one day at a time. And when I asked Ed how his prayers were going, he said he'd been feeling like God is saying that He (God) will give me "the strength to stand it" (my current job). Almost the same words!
So even though I probably won't stay on that floor forever, and even though it is almost sure that I won't be going with my department to their new facility, I am content to stay where I am, for now. I will be telling my manager this on Monday, and I will also call the other job and tell them I am not interested.
Sigh. It stinks to grow up, doesn't it?
And if my decision wasn't clear enough, God gave me a screamingly vivid demonstration tonight. Ed had another complication of his condition, and is now in the hospital. And as I was riding there to see him tonight, I thought "if I had that new job right now, I would have to pay for this entire hospital stay out of my pocket." And boy, that is a sobering thought.
Tonight he suddenly found himself unable to walk, or to move his right arm. He has had spinal problems for most of his life, so the docs and I are pretty sure this is what it is. But if all who read this could pray, anyway, I would appreciate it.
I went to the ER with him around 7pm tonite and just got back. I am trusting in God, and doing my best not to worry. Of course this means several adjustments for me in terms of child care. Thank God for my wonderful neighbor (yes, the one who is also my "maid"!) I will only have to let her know, and then I can be sure Kyi can get to the bus in the mornings if Ed isn't back home by Monday.
Well, I am just waiting here til the coffee I drank, in order to be able to drive home; wears off so I can get to sleep. I know God has Ed in His hands, and He is in control.
I feel good about my decisions, and I am trusting Him to continue to guide me.
God bless you all!
_____________________________
I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth! Psalm 34:1
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RE: Mrs Ed's blog - 3/19/2006 9:09:16 PM
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forgiven4ever
Posts: 303
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline
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God is so good. All the time.
Ed is somewhat better today. He is very weak, but this morning he found that he could move his arm again, and could get up and walk a very short distance, though he needed a walker. The neurologist came to see him, and they are going to run some further tests tomorrow. The C/T scans show some narrowing of the spine bones. This is a part of his condition that he has had from childhood. What they can do about it depends on how bad it is.... and they will know that after the tests tomorrow.
We have a theory about why it got so bad last night. He had been referred to this neurologist by his doctor. Because of the weakness he had, before. But this doctor had no appointments until late April. And his doctor didn't want him to wait. So he sent him to another neurologist. He was supposed to see the other doc tomorrow. But Ed firmly believed - and especially believes now!- that THIS was the neurologist he was supposed to see all along. Because who "just happened" to be on call last night in the ER for neurology? And had to see Ed? Yup! God's timing IS perfect.
And the topic of today's sermon was timely for me. Again and again, God is telling me "stay where you are." Today our pastor talked about "being a grace-giver" instead of a "grudge-holder". He based it on the book of Philemon. And he talked about how we need to "forgive those who trespass against us", and give them back grace.
Wow. So those Mean Girls that harass me... I am supposed to give them grace?
Yes. For His sake.
I don't know how long I must stay, and I don't know where I will transfer. And now I even wonder IF I will transfer. All I know is I MUST talk to my new manager tomorrow and tell her I will stay. And whatever comes to me because of that, God will give me the grace to deal with it. And then I will give that grace back to them.
I sometimes just have to sit for a minute and bask in amazement at God's wondrous timing, His boundless love, and His endless mercy.
Thanks to all of you who have written that you are praying for us. It is sincerely appreciated.
God bless you all!
_____________________________
I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth! Psalm 34:1
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RE: Mrs Ed's blog - 3/24/2006 7:29:48 AM
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forgiven4ever
Posts: 303
Joined: 4/12/2005
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Hello
my week went well, and Ed came home Wednesday evening. I picked him up when my shift was over, and he's been home since.
What the doctors said was that his spinal curvature has progressed to the point where they can no longer do anything else for him. He will have some good days and some bad days. He will have days when he cannot walk, and days when he can walk four blocks. His pain can be controlled, only to a certain extent. It is just not an exact science. He won't ever be able to work again, and he will have to keep the walker, and they will sign on for him to get a "scooter" to use for family trips.
This is good news (because he is alive and has his mental capacities) but he is sad because it means the end of hope that he could get back to work someday. He was told, as a child, that if he lived to be an adult he would never walk. That he'd be in a wheelchair by the time he was 20. So here he is at age 55, and he isn't in a wheelchair yet. So every day is God's gift. Every step he walks. Every day he lives. So he is grateful, yet sad.
And, to be honest, I am sad, too. I married him knowing about his disability. But when I married him, he was able to walk and work and be a relatively active person. He wasn't someone I needed to take care of. As a nurse, and as a realist, I expected that someday I would have to take care of him. But I thought that would happen when he was 70 or so. Not now. Not when we have had so little time to be "newlyweds".
But God's timing isn't ours. God knew exactly what He was doing, and exactly when to do it. I can be resentful about his condition, and about how this means I don't have a fully healthy husband..... or I can thank God that he is alive and able to still be the spiritual leader in our home.
And I am grateful. I do wish he had some of his function back. I do wish he could help more with housework. And, most of all, I wish it didn't hurt him to be affectionate and/or intimate with me. I can't lie. Gosh, I miss that part of our relationship. But I am grateful... and learning to be content with my "portion". Ed tries very hard to push himself so that he can show me, physically how he loves me. He can't do it often, and sometimes he gets upset. I try not to let him know how much I miss it, but it's hard.
The week at work went well. When I told my new boss I am staying, she got so happy and hugged me. I had a bunch of new patients this week and just did my best job. Any of the attitudes of the others have bugged me less, and I know this is God.
One of the social workers noticed a change in my demeanor, and I know she is a Christian so I shared what God has been showing me. It was weird discussing verses that seem so personal, but I felt led to share it. And I am glad I did because she said that she had needed to hear those verses, too.
I was off yesterday and got some rest. I took Kyi to the psychiatrist. The school wanted an evaluation. He said it looks like he is getting better (true) and that we are doing the right things for him (praise God!) I did get a scare though. When the doctor asked him how he is punished when he does wrong, he said "my mom beats me with a belt." I was appalled! I would never do that. But he quickly corrected himself... he said "no. wait. that's what I am afraid of ... but all she does is yell and take my Gameboy away." Yikes.... I was sure they would call DYFS on me. Phew!
I am very blessed. Today I must work nights, so I am off all day again. Kyi is off from school, so he will be with me. I think I am going into work, to work on my poster. And I will take Kyi with me, so he can "help".
God bless you all!
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I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth! Psalm 34:1
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RE: Mrs Ed's blog - 3/31/2006 2:58:06 PM
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forgiven4ever
Posts: 303
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline
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Another good week. We are having financial challenges, but Ed's disability claim is moving forward and that will result in us getting some money, eventually. Also did our taxes last night and we are getting a nice refund. So that will also help.
I have alot to be thankful for. I look at the many things that Ed CAN do (like interact with Kyi, and check his homework in the afternoons and to help him get ready for school in the mornings, as well as to be loving and supportive with his words - even when he can't back it up with actions) and I am grateful to God.
Before I married Ed, I am sorry to say my life had a lot of sexual sin. Even though I have been a Christian for most of my adult life, I admit that I wasn't as pure as I could be. I didn't cheat when I was married, but I did have several affairs when I was separated. When Ed and I started dating, I was honest with him about this.
I would NOT cheat on Ed for anything. I know God will help me deal with my needs in this area, without cheating or sexual sin.
The reason I bring this up is that lately I have been wondering if Ed's inability to express his love physically is part of the way the Lord is dealing with me; in relation to my sexual sin. I think of King David, and how even though God used David, he still reaped the results of his sexual sin and murder because their baby, and later Absalom died, and because he never did see the whole revelation of God's promise in his own time.
So, I wonder if God is saying to me "you had enough sexual intimacy to last a lifetime already, so you don't get any more." I don't mean that God is cruel, or that he'd use those exact words. Just that maybe there is stuff I need to work through in relation to those sins, in addition to the repentance that I have done. I know that once we are forgiven; we don't need to do anything else to be reconciled to God, but maybe these are the consequences of my past actions. Maybe to let me see that true love may be better with marital sexual intimacy, but true love can be and is more than that.
I hope that Ed will get better. I hope my love life isn't over, at age 52. But if it is, then I guess I need to look at what else God can do within my heart and in my life, and especially between us to make up for that. I love him very much. This marriage is a blessing to me - just as it IS, especially compared to my former marriage. So I need to continue to accept it as it is, and to rejoice in its blessings and learn to love him in the ways that he is able to give and receive love. And God will be there, blessing us, as we do.
God bless you all
_____________________________
I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth! Psalm 34:1
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RE: Mrs Ed's blog - 4/1/2006 12:53:16 PM
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forgiven4ever
Posts: 303
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline
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Today is the anniversary of my daughter's death.
My daughter Larisa was 23 years old and she had leukemia. She was only sick for about 8 months, and then she died. It was the worst thing that has ever happened to me. It was 7 years ago.
It is so ironic that it happened on April Fool's day. She loved this day, and loved playing silly practical jokes. We loved "falling for" them. But it was hard, for the first couple years to play jokes.
On the day that she died, my heart was so broken. But I wanted to do something to connect to God. My daughter Christina and I were part of a theatre group during that year, and we had a performance scheduled on the night of her death. We both decided, without hesitation, to go. It was Good Friday... it was an Easter play and we both wanted to bring the message to whoever might go.
It was so difficult to go and not talk about it, but I was afraid that if I told anyone, I would break down. One of the ladies knew Larisa... she said "how is she today?" and I lost it.
During the scene where Jesus is on the Cross, I was one of a group of ladies who is supposed to be crying as we mourn for Jesus. I definitely didn't have to fake crying that night.
Her son, Kyi has since had a problem with April Fool's day. Since he knew what happened, it was hard for him to joke or enjoy this day. It made him so depressed. But this year I told him we are reclaiming the day. We are not going to forget his mom, but we won't be held in bondage by our grief. We are going to enjoy the day. And so far we have!
We live near Hershey, Pa and Ed saw a notice in the paper that they have a new ride at Chocolate town. And that the first 1000 people would be given a special commerative candy bar. So we went. We were there 25 minutes early but the line was already filling the front walk. We did get in, in time, and got the special candy bar. It was HUGE! I was glad we went. Because Ed had to take the walker, they let us go through a special handicapped entrance, and we got to see lots of backroom stuff that not many people see. It was cool!
On the way home, Ed dropped me and Kyi off at the library and we walked home. It was a nice morning. This afternoon we are going to play laser tag, and tonight I promised Kyi that we can watch the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice awards together. It may not be a grand slam celebration, but it is definitely better than dwelling on sadness.
One piece of positive news from work. One of the women who has been mean to me has decided to retire. She has worked there 35 years, and doesn't want to go to the new location so she is leaving at the end of this month. This is good because it is one less person who will be mean to me. Plus, with her not available to be in charge anymore, and with one of the other charge nurses getting a promotion, I think it won't be long until I get to be in charge once in awhile! I really enjoy paperwork, and think I will be good at it. Also, the person who is retiring was active as a facilitator when the new nurse assistants were trained. Once or so a month, new nurse assistants would come to the floor for training... and she would be their facilitator. I am praying so hard that I could have a chance at that job. THAT is EXACTLY what I want to be doing...one of the things that I most hope for. So I am praying that I might get that job.
And speaking of jobs, the pastor is coming to see us next week to talk to me about taking a service position in our church. Now that my new member's class is over, I can be given a service position, and I would really like that.
God is blessing me...if I concentrate on those things instead of my challenges, I will be rejoicing all the time!
God bless you all
_____________________________
I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth! Psalm 34:1
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RE: Mrs Ed's blog - 4/11/2006 10:45:28 AM
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forgiven4ever
Posts: 303
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline
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Not much happened last week. I am still dealing with alot of resentment about my situation. It is difficult to work so hard at work, and then I can't keep up with our bills. After the last paycheck, we were overdrawn three days after the money was deposited. Gosh, that's discouraging... going through 10 days of being overdrawn. It wears you down.
One of the agreements that Ed and I made was that each of us would have a small amount of money, out of each paycheck; to spend as we like. This works really well when we are not so broke. Now, though, I find myself resenting that he has this money. It's not rational, and definitely not fair, but when I have to cancel all my own activities and appointments; yet, he buys stuff online for the CAT! I get very resentful. But fair is fair... right?
I am seeing light at the end of the tunnel. Last Saturday we went to a free lunch, and this coming Sunday (Easter) we get a free breakfast (at church, after sunrise service) plus are going to one of my stepdaughters' homes for dinner. AND the best part is that Christina MAY be able to come for Easter dinner. I miss her so much. I pray that this paycheck won't go quite so quickly, and maybe that tax refund, or Ed's disability check will get here soon. I know God will provide.... He is the source of all that we need.
When the pastor came to visit, I told him I would participate in VBS, and though I wanted to do Sunday school, I didn't think it would be fair because my schedule would result in missing every other weekend. Choir is something he wants me to do, but I can't keep Kyi up that late, and Ed already watches him whenever school is out. So I am praying about that one. There is a "school's out!" party in June that I will also be part of.
Work is OK, but it is wearing me out like never before. I don't know if it is my new meds, or the Change of Life (which I seem to be going through lately - phew! those hot flashes! ) but I definitely am exhausted at the end of each day.
Tomorrow I am supposed to start training for the desk job. We will see if that happens.....
I had a very difficult patient last week. He curses alot, and it really made me so uncomfortable. Two days in a row, I left his room crying. I am praying for him....he must be so miserable to have him act like that.
I told Ed how I feel about our lack of physical intimacy, and he didn't contradict my fears about God dealing with me, so maybe he feels that way too. I am glad I was finally able to tell him, but it was hard. It's not his fault that he can't move in certain ways. But I was able to reassure him that, no matter what, he doesn't ever have to worry that I would cheat on him. That won't happen..... God will provide those needs as well. It's hard, but it's my problem to deal with. Cheating would make things worse.... I know from past experience how miserable I have been when I am outside God's will in that area.
God bless you all! Thanks to t | | |
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